The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hello all...this is my first time posting here..I'm somewhat familiar with forums but this particular one is brand new for me.
Al-Anon is not new to me (my ODAT book is dated 1972...haha)....but the season of my life that I find myself in requires a BIG return to Al-Anon principals...lol So, I have returned to meetings and reading my ODAT book daily again ....my toolbox was kinda empty...lol
My 48 yr old stepson is currently living w/us. He found he could not get and stay sober while living in his own home 20 miles away....his marriage/home situation created too much stress....we offered a safe, loving haven in which to get sober as long as there was no drinking. We know to support him only in his recovery...not his addiction. He has been here 115 days now...is self-employed...has LOTS of financial nightmares (the wreckage of his past which he isn't addressing just yet).
I know not to enable...but to equip...
I am at a new place in my own live and recovery that I'm wanting to establish a timeframe.....let him know that at the 6 mos mark....it's time for him to move out.
His Dad is a very sick codependent....won't go to Men's Al-Anon..or read any Al-Anon lit.....I am powerless over that, too. BUT.....I feel it is necessary to give our son this info SOON....it will still give him 2-1/2 more months to prepare to move outta here.
I feel he would be making totally different decisions if he didn't think his living arrangement here was "open ended". His dad is "afraid" to voice this....as he thinks the stress of "dealing with life" may cause him to drink again. Obviously, I know the 3 C's....I didn't cause his addiction, can't control it or cure it....but my hubby is a whole nother ballgame. I feel "sandwiched"...with a husband who isn't comfortable telling our son.....6 months and you're out (not like that, of course) and my absolute need to have my home back to myself. I have even said....with no anger or threat to my voice....it is SO necessary for ME....that I am willing to move somewhere else at the 6 month mark myself. (Course this is my home.....and I don't feel I should even have to consider that)
Our son may have been sober all 115 days he's lived here....not sure....he doesn't go to meetings, call anyone, just works.......he NEVER talks about his sobriety...how many days sober he has....never talks about it at all. He's done this once before...quit drinking (and "white knuckled it").....MANY yrs back.....and seems he is attempting sobriety (dryness) the same way once again. I can't work his program...this I know.....I have equipped him with a 27 page printout of all the AA meetings in our area....a phone number for my brother (recoverying 22 yrs) who offered his number 24/7...and also my brother's sponsor when my bro lived here. (I did all this back the end of April when he first moved in.)
I left an "As Bill See's It" meditation book in the room he sleeps in. His Dad and I (early on....like the end of April)...offered to go to his first meeting with him.
The papers offered and the meditation book are covered in dust....and haven't been used since.
I don't nag, suggest, or bring up "his program"...or lack thereof (to him)....but FOR ME....I want him to know he has until November 1st (a weekend) to get plans made to move out. What, how, where.....he goes...that's none of my business....
I'm a recovering addict myself...as well as grew up in an alcoholic home.....have 5 siblings (3 are recovering alcoholics). We have over a 100 yrs of recovery in my immediate family.
Sorry to "run off at the mouth"....I am trying to make peace with this....HOW do I say what needs to be said...I know about staying calm, loving, kind...etc. But am at such a loss for words?? I realize you all can't tell me exactly what to do or say...but can you give me some feedback...options...your thoughts on this?
I would prefer to write it out and give it to my son...or leave it in his room to read when he has time and gets home.....seems kinda "chickensh*t" too...lol But he doesn't listen real well.....he has a bit of a "know it all" attitude...and doesn't truly listen to ALL you say when you are talking to him.
Ok....I'll "give it a rest".....lol
I'm a "straight shooter"....direct....so you can be that way with me, too~
like you I will have heard this 1000's of times- keep coming back, it works if you work at it. Sharing our ESH is a gift, a treasure. I suppose I logged in here even before doing my daily reading- it is live, and it is real. Its early morning, Tuesday here in my corner of the world.
If we keep our mind and our mouth open, and our ears, solutions will come...
You are indeed a straight shooter with a great deal of understanding, wisdom and compassion. I do believe if you examine your motives as to why you believe it necessary for your step son to move--you will arrive at the best possible words to express. it.
In reading your post I "heard" a great amount of love understanding and acceptance of this person and also a definite need on your part. Knowing that it is best for his mental health to be on his own. I would suggest an open discussion with him. Try talking it over, reasoning it out without having a definite deadline in mind See where the conversation goes and then if no compromise is reached then go to plan B as to the 3 month deadline
Good Luck Please keep coming back you are not alone.
Hi CMS...