The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
the exA is at a family cottage on a lake for a week. the 11 yo and 16 yo boys are with him.
One of the 11 yo's friends couldn't come with him bc his mom is not comfortable with the exA. When my son left at the beginning of the week, it was okay bc another friend would be able to come visit on thurs. I don't know what happened, and last I knew the friend's dad had not even returned a call about what was happening, but end result was...no friends all week at the lake.
My 16YO gets it...but the 11 YO still deals with disappointment, alot. His Dad (my exA) talks a big game, but often does not follow through. Many of his friends do camps all summer (big bucks) so he hasn't had friends over very much this summer...he was so looking forward to his week with friends at the lake...and it didn't happen.
Of course, I immediately went to rescue mode...do I pick up a friend and drive 3 hours so he can have fun? (which means spending the day with my exA)...
Instead, I paused, felt really bad...and decided not to fix it.
But now..how do I help him understand that it is NOT a reflection on him (friends not comign over, and how do I help him through the disappointment? He also is spending way too much time on the computer...maybe to cope with loneliness...which also worries me..
There is sure nothing easy about watching our children hurt at the hands of alcoholism!:( It took great courage and working your program to not make that drive, good for you. You now your boundaries and you know that would have been a temporary fix...I was wondering if you have taken the boys to Open AA meetings? I did take my children, between my sharing Al-Anon with them and then the Open meetings, really helped them! Open meetings for all of us, gives us the opportunity to hear and learn about this disease from someone on the outside...someone we are NOT emotionally attached to:) A different perspective...and or, do they offer Alateen in your area?
Thank you for sharing with us, prayers for all of you! Have a blessed weekend! ~HUGS to YOU~
Gosh. This stuff hurts my heart. Good that you are in Al-Anon to model for your kids how to deal with disappointment. Mimi's suggestions for open AA meetings and Al-a-Teen for the children would be mine, too. Before Al-Anon, I did make the mistake of trying to rescue my children from hurt in relationship to their Dad. Didn't help. The one thing I did right - according to my kids - was to refrain from bashing their Dad to them and I won't say I didn't have talks with friends and family members that didn't contain the rest of the story. Sorry your kids have such a bumpy road to travel in this life. Good there is AA, Al-Anon and Al-a-Teen to help them cope and grow through some of the peculiarities of this particular disease and its manifestations.
Hugs sister-friend I sooooo feel your pain and understand. You did a great job and your son will come to a point where he gets it and his dad's actions and lack of action will speak louder than you realize. He will figure it all out. My kids are both dealing with similar emotions and feelings. We've been reading out of the daily alateen reader and I plan on ordering a workbook for my daughter to work through some of her stuff. My son on the other hand even at 9 has such a yoda approach to things I often laugh at myself and so does my older child .. they get it .. they don't want to admit it .. they do get it.
Sending lots of positive thoughts and prayers for your family, hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Have you directed your son to the post at the top of this board ? there are safe Alateen meetings available to him. I think we take on the disappointment that our kids have when dealing with broken promises . Often they really don't hurt as much as we think they do, as they are used to disappointment living in an alcoholic home . I feel it helps them become self relient and not waiting for others to make them happy . some of these lessons are painful to say the least , but your sharring with him that it is not personal , just life plans gets changed . He may have had a great time boys , lake sounds good . Louise
I think we take on the disappointment that our kids have when dealing with broken promises . Often they really don't hurt as much as we think they do, as they are used to disappointment living in an alcoholic home . I feel it helps them become self relient and not waiting for others to make them happy . some of these lessons are painful to say the least , but your sharring with him that it is not personal , just life plans gets changed . He may have had a great time boys , lake sounds good . Louise