My issues, right now,  are not alanon related....Its this financial fear, inability to find more income, depression  and fighting off this financial fear.... Sadness and grief and yea, anger how my life could be taken from me and I kick myself for not knowing about alanon, coda till so late in my life....

I am even backing off facebook....I am happy for "so and so" finding a happy relationship , or that other one who got delivered from their troubles.....yea, happy for them, but right now I can't handle it...I want to be happy for ME TOO.....

Also I took off my news feed all the horror stories about child and animal abuse....my "sharing" the homeless horses I will do, but paring down to the larger rescues and the ones I know who post but not the awful pictures of animals half dead from abuse.....

I talked with my AA best friend of 30 years, and recovery mate and she said "if you don't feel common ground  for the time being, where you are,  then take a break....rest....DO something different....Then come back..."  

I told her I befriended some of you and that I cared very deeply about your struggles and I hope I was at least a bit of help to you....

I am going to chat meets and working the literature and the steps....

NOT going awol....NOOOO!!!  U guys will see me again....

I just have to hunker down and take care of  me....Get into the quiet and try to meditate away these deep seated fears of never feeling safe...

This goes way back to the days of being left w/no food, or utilities in the dead of winter...having to steal from the neighbor delivery trucks to feed me and my siblings, OR on a bad "patch"  we ate dry dog food...OR...drank water and ate ice to dull the constant aching hunger we felt...what little wildlife I could hunt wasn't enough for the 4 of us......

This fear  "i wont' make" it is really , sometimes I can handle it...Sometimes i need to cry, curl up and lay low and just lick my wounds...

I spoke to "R" last night and we are gonna talk over weekend...She is my favorite recovery mate...She got into AA b4 I got into alanon......We are totally 100% honest w/each other.....sisters in our hearts....She is my rock...I am her buddy who is always there for her.....She calls me her pet pit bull....I am loyal and my love has no conditions....

She knows my total history and this is REAL deep seated....I know I have to "let go of"  the resentment over my life......first the trauma...then the mental illness b/c of it....then I go through hell and back, in recovery, wading through all that pain, raging and grieving over it....letting out all the buried emotions  to "dig me out and sorta find my sanity"   now the opportunities that used to come do not....I feel like I am just waiting for the end...Like riding out life until I can get outta here

NOT healthy thinking....and it is all stemmed from this fear....I have to work until I drop...No retirement for me....and w/ptsd and anxiety, I am getting tireder...Mental exertion tires me out more....so I exercise, diet, work out, meditate, eliminate stressors as much as I can., I do everything in my power to help me and I see results...but not in the income department....

I get these people who want to "talk"  but they don't do anything...I thought I had a new client and a reprive from this constant battle to survive and he refuses to answer my emails, requesting a status on "what materials do you have ready for me to do your audit????"

after two refusals to get back to me..return my calls, return my emails, I decided that if this is how he is, how hard would it be for me to get my CHECK???   so I was smart to walk away, but oh so dissapointed....I was "this close"  but no hit.....yea, it probably was for the best, and I know that, but why get his call in the first place??  Good thing I don't expect anything from UNproven people...

Anyway,  my recovery mate and dear friend and I are gonna work our stuff together and she agrees, my "stuff" may not be , for now, anything the board can relate to....so its time to go to MEETS....work the steps......the slogans (she loves the slogans)  and get out my worksheets and work to manage my fears better....

I will come back...I will check in for my messages....I am not going awol as before, I just need to do a different thing to help ME.....I am not being stressed out by my A's at this time, this is just a  "me" issue and I need support...I don't need a doctor...don't need any pills for my being so sad, I just need a break OR, how to manage this bad karma i am in of late.....I am not depressed when life is showing me some hope and better circumstances...Actually when life is not throwing spears at me, I can have FUN..

2 weeks ago, at that party I went to, I did something...I wanted to escape my worries, fears and trubles, so I drank waaay to much....I got really DRUNK and I hate that *****...But I did it...hungover the next day and the situation is still here only this time I am hung over on top of it.....I told "R" about it and she said, yea, I did a major escape....I just could not handle this fear, worry, wondering how I am gonna make it, and how bad is it gonna be when I age more????  so I got DRUNK.....I ran away.....it didn't take much b/c I hardly drink...but oh yea,....it was fun, while I was doing it...I had no fear, no worry, but that is temporary and not healthy....

I guess in a nut shell, I am older and more tired....even racehorses get to get off the track and take it easier.....for me ,. the hardship is worse and at age 67, now, I am exhausted....AND my having to struggle to make ends meet, I see no end...no reprieve.....so time to work out the anger, and sadness/grief over this and come to terms with it.......My hardest challenge....I can't do anything more than what I am doing...I study year round to be good at what I do......and b/c I don't trust, really, in anything outside of me,  oh well.....Just learn to detach from my own sorry situations.....

I gotta work on me to get a grip......meditate...visualize the situations being better.....giving up any negativity and resentment holding me down......a big step 4...we are gonna get into over the weekend....then a game plan to help me feel better.....

And,  MOVE...be it dance, or trampolene,  ANYthing to create feel good hormones as I sit in this friggin hallway, I am no where....don't see my "place where I can go" , I am in the hallway....and its been on and off since 2008 when I lost my job due to downsizing and moving.....I think I have "coped" quite well, but its getting REAL old...

I know.. A lot of folks are in my boat and that does not give me comfort to know others are in same situation....when I was younger, it wasn't so bad....now...I see me working at age 80 , trying to make it, an OMG....I don't wanna go there...So I will work to stay in TODAY....

I don't have any interest in anything...I want to cry all the time b/c I am SCARED....I aint making it but day to day.....and heaven help me if the plumbing goes or the truck screws up again....2011-12 was a very bad year re: financial disasters....the house and truck gotta leave me alone till I can dig me out of this, IF I can....

I know I am rambling, just getting this out....I am not going to isolate..."R" won't let me, lol....I just have to do something different, re: my program to help me feel like there is a purpose to my life..

Anyway, I will check in from time to time, but I have nothing in my tank.....What I got I need for me....I will , as I said, check in and check for pvt. messages....ONE good thing....My A's are behaving themselves....not in my face causing me to have to detach to keep what little peace I have.....

So, its NOT a goodbye..Its a  "gotta do something different"  for a while....Less facebook......MORE meets, working with my AA mate....Steps...literature...sloagans.....meditations and of course taking care of my physical

So I will say  "see ya later" and hopefully when I get back, I will have a better, happier frame of mind.......

You guys take good care....Don't be ashamed to say "I'm scared..I need some comfort"  or  "I hurt....I need a hug"......like I told my close ones.....or just "I feel like crap...I care for you, but what little energy I have, I need it for me, so I CAN come back and help you".......

Please don't feel like the sky is gonna fall in on you for admitting that you are maybe scared....feeling helpless....grieving......wanting to cry...

The best thing I did was to come back here , work the program and yea, I discovered how badly I am feeling about my life, but maybe I would have kept distracting me on youtube and facebook had I not come here....NOW I am facing it....it sucks, yes, but I am facing it and WILLING to do what I gotta do to take care of me.....and in that I THANK you, those of you who responded to me, I will treasure those times....Those of you who "read" and kept silent,  my hope is that my posts were a blessing of some sorts to you......and with that I will say............

See you all SOON......I HOPE....But I will see ya