The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am struggling with going down the same road again. Mom is reporting how good she is doing and asking for "another chance" but the last time I vowed not to deal with this ever again.
Hi. Al-Anon meetings and literature can help us develop ways to say what we mean, mean what we say and not say it mean in relationships to our As. We also learn to look at what our As are doing and not saying. Ultimatums, in my experience, don't work as well as setting boundaries for ourselves and sticking to them until there appears to be a reason rooted in facts that shows us it is healthy to change the boundaries. We have on-line meetings here, too, 2x a day. Information about meetings appears at the top of this board. Welcome to MIP.
Did you make your ultimatum to her? or to yourself?
We talk about boundaries. They are ultimatums that we make to ourselves. The other person doesn't even need to know what it is. All we know is that when that line is crossed, then we need to do "x or y or z". We keep it internal because then when situations change, like Mom saying she wants another chance, we can decide then and there if we want to change where our boundary is right now or keep it in mind for later and see how the situation is then. Like you say, you have been down this road before. I would want to give it some time and see if this time she is serious.
Stick around and read more and see if there are any little things that other people post that would apply to your own situation.
Nothing changes if nothing changes. Doing the same thing over and over expecting different results..
Couple of slogans we should all have in our tool boxes.
Boundaries are nothing unless we can keep them. I found out the hard way. You will know if she needs another chance but until you decide she on her say so might now be a good thing.
You are the only one that can take care of you....so let go and let HP give you the courage and strength to change.
PS: Al-anon give us those tools and the help we need to not keep doing the same ole same ole.
Again welcome and keeping coming back because you are not alone.....
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Aloha Big Dave and welcome to the board...another guy to balance the MIP family populations...go figure. Stick around with an open mind and I hope you follow up on the AL-Anon face to face meetings suggestion. If you're not already attending let me suggest that you get into the rooms as soon as you can. The program saved my life. I hope you keep coming back to MIP. "Big" Dave reminds me of some other "Big" guys I met in Al-Anon and who walked the walk with me years ago. Loved them all and have room for one more. ((((hugs))))
Yep to all that was already posted. And, yes, this is difficult, which is why the support and wisdom of the al anon community is essential. You cannot do it alone, regardless of your gender
It's not going back on an ultimatum per say if it was along the lines of "I'm not going to deal with you drinking any more." Well she is saying she's not drinking right? Of course the problem is you have heard this before and she's probably lying. BUT - that will be easy to stick to your boundary when you figure it out. You can easily revert back to "You are drinking and I told you I'm not dealing with you like that" and then leave or cut off communication again. I don't know if you want to put yourself through that - but it's your choice.
NOW - if the "ultimatum" was "If you drink again I will never talk to you again ever" ...well that was not a realistic ultimatum for your mom. It's harder to cut your family off like that forever. It's really difficult to enforce an ultimatum that extreme and it doesn't give the person any room for change. I think with most of us, we might be slowly okay letting the A be more involved in our lives if they were sober and working a good recovery program. Hence the ultimatum or boundary of "I'm not dealing with you while you are in the throws of addiction" is more realistic than "I'm never gonna talk to you again if you drink."
I do understand that there are some times that the A may have actually done things so terrible that it does merit "I'm never talking to you again ever." So that is your choice also.
Not sure what you actual ultimatum was but these are just my thoughts. In sum - this is all about your choices and what you want. Her disease is out of your control anyhow. You don't want to enable but seeing or talking to her is not necessarily enabling. It's about you...if you feel okay with it fine. If not - don't.
Hi big dave, from old dave...