My father got his 2nd DUI - Al-Anon Family Group

slogan_jim · Senior Member

My father got his 2nd DUI

slogan_jim · Senior Member

Thanks Guys,

The first one was about 2 years ago and he got his license suspended for a year, ordered to rehab, had the blower in his car for a year. He plead guilty and didn't fight. There was never bail nor jail time. The police called and just had us pick him up.

This time around, my sister noticed his car never came home. Then at about 8:30 am he got home and said he got a dui. I'm thinking they had him sober up and he took a cab home. The car was impounded.

I've tried calling, no answer. My sis says he got up from his 'nap' and left the house. Likely walked over to a bar.

Lesson learned I guess, *****hole.

This is likely the end for him. He can't drive to work.

What's scaring me is that a few years ago before al-anon, I co-signed his car loan.

-- Edited by hotrod on Wednesday 14th of August 2013 07:10:56 PM

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

My son's 2nd DUI was 4 months in jail, 3 years license suspended and not sure if he will have to get a interlocking device when he gets his license back this October but I'm sure he will have to get one. He could have gotten 2 years prison time but I guess he had a good public defender.

Oh....and 12 grand in fines which I paid. My bad

-- Edited by Cathyinaz on Wednesday 14th of August 2013 07:16:38 PM

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

That would be a concern for me, too, SJ, if I knew he'd lost his job and wasn't making payments on the car loan. I co-signed on a loan for a loved one. Got burned. Didn't do it again. They learned their lesson and I learned mine. I did make them pay off the balance of the loan after it was totaled and insurance paid what it would. My credit was hurt a bit, but not too much. One day, one fact at a time, Jim. Wouldn't hurt to check the status of the loan now though. I can let my mind whirr with what ifs and things are never as bad as the whirring says they're going to be. Today is enough of a concern and it sounds like your life is peaceful. His life is not. Sad for your Dad with no AA. Happy for you with Al-Anon.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Wednesday 14th of August 2013 07:41:28 PM

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Boy haven't we been thru this before? The memories....light the corners of my mind. (lol) We all know this from some angle or another and from my angle I was in recovery after living this without recovery and in Al-Anon I learned to change my part with all of the tools that allowed me to do that. The 3Cees Jim; sounds like you've got them down good and maybe your sister has had it rub off on her also? Watching the alcoholics responses from the feignt to suicide from taking the chance to drink (which is suicide) is amazing. Truely the definition of cunning, powerful and baffling is represented here.

This is His problem...his awareness, his choice in spite of that awareness and solely his consequences and....he knew it a head of time. I read, "Says he can't rely on me and my sister for rides, it's not fair to us, he's put us through enough. He loves me and we'll talk tomorrow." and I know that he knows and knows that he knows and this is another bottom. Hard as it is...it is his bottom and he needs it to help him get and stay sober as he has only one other option which is death...he is going thru the insanity now.

It's important that he come up with his own solutions...(coming from a former alcohol and substance abuse therapist). He will try to wiggle around this because of the fear aspect and then all you get to do is your own life and it sounds like you've been doing a good job in that area. Yay Slogan_Jim!!

Keep coming back (((((hugs))))) smile

Just a note? I was sitting dispatch one night for the CHIPs and got a call for identification on a 23152 female ...female drunk driver. I asked the officer for his info and it was my alcoholic/addict wife. I already knew the whole routine except this angle. I knew she would be taken from the car and most likely cited. I knew that the car would be picked up by a relative or a wrecker; none of which would be me. In the essence of saving him time on the stop I just told him "the subject is known to me" and left him to asking me for the info at shift end. None of what I told him was more than he needed to know and none of what he saw I needed to know. I had seen it and live in it long enough...Later on she got clean and sober. I pray she and all like her continue on in recovery and reach out to help others.

-- Edited by Jerry F on Wednesday 14th of August 2013 10:08:28 PM

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

Maybe this a blessing to save his life.
You and your dad are in my prayers.

slogan_jim · Senior Member

Thanks Cathy,

Yeah, so I mean part of me feels relieved, scared, part of me knows that somehow God will do what's right. It's a blessing my sister still lives with him and she told me she would consider driving him to work for a price, as she could use the money and her work hours allow it.

I mean part of me just thinks 'yeah, whatever' it's business as usual for me. I am glad that I live on my own as I can come home to a serene environment and count my blessings.

During his first dui, I lived with him and I was in school, and we got through it.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

What a blessing that he didn't lose his life or cause the death of others. He had to have been driving rather erratically for police to pull him over. Glad they caught him at the wheel. Hope he stays away from the wheel. Glad you know you are coming home to a place that is serene and predictable for you.

slogan_jim · Senior Member

Reading the government of Ontario website, it says that a 2nd offence at over 0.08 (which is likely what he blew) can result in a 3 year license suspension, 3 year interlock device, and 30 days in jail.

Man, this doesn't look good.

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

2nd DUI's never look good. Don't know about the law in Canada because here in the states there are lots of factors that can sway a judge to change the punishment for the offense. My AH only got 3 days of jail for his when he actually was supposed to do 45 days. He had 11 days of home detention and had to pay for a breathalyzer in the house and had an ankle monitoring device on him. He was put on an interlock restriction and has to have it on his car for 2 years.

I'm sorry that you are experiencing the fallout from this disease. I watch my own son try to process what his dad is doing and there's a lot of fear there, worrying about dad's behavior and how it will affect us in the future. I am glad that they stopped him before something truly bad happened to himself or to others on the road. Sending you lots of support, please know that you are not alone!

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Hey there is all this talk, but i know several people who have had up to 8 dui's and nothing happened till about the sixth to eighth one......

Isn't it strange how they think they messed up only becuz they were caught?

concentrate on YOU. hugs,debilyn

ParisMemories · Senior Member

Hi Jim Sending prayers for you and your family. Hold onto your serenity and remeber, this too shall pass. Hugs

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

Dont know what state you are in but in California, DUI's are suppose to be a seriously money loosing proposition for
the Alcoholic. My X had 1 DUI, where he rearended the other parties, who said they were injured, soft tissue, .Soft tissue injuries are subjective to say the least and these were fairly young men. Are DUI's a wake up call or a bottom to an A, that remains to be seen. The X still continued to drink after the DUI, even though he was ordered to AA, this was the last straw for me. I didnt divorce him when he had the affair and had the twins, or other drama he caused, but when you hit my pocket and hard earned money, that did it for me. That 30,000.00 I considered his divorce settlement. Calif. being a 50/50 state.

As the X was hauled off to jail, it would have been a felony on his record would have gotten fired from his job, stuff to consider, Atty cost 10 Thou,the bail was set at 10 thou, another ten thou for School for one year, other court fines...

That DUI wasnt the X's bottom, but it sure was mine.

I hope its your Dads Jim, you must stay detached as your are, you are in a good place.

Bettina

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

consequences for an alcoholic do look good to me

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

Payments on the car would still have to be paid, Is your name on the registration?

As far as the DUI your not responsible for any of that. You don't know the details , hoping there wasnt an accident.

A's always seem to leave out the important parts. As far as work, he can drive a bike or take a bus.

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Hey Slogan...Just stopped by for a min. and saw your post.....This consequence will either drive him into recovery or not...If not, then he has to further hit bottom..I guess u will see...In a way this is a blessing b/c MAYBE it will wake him up AND no one was hurt THIS time...If he loses license and has restrictions on him, I dunno..Sometimes they wake up...sometimes not.....Meantime??? focus on you, work your program...detach detach....NOT your problem......

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

slogan_jim wrote:

This is likely the end for him. He can't drive to work.

What's scaring me is that a few years ago before al-anon, I co-signed his car loan.

-- Edited by hotrod on Wednesday 14th of August 2013 07:10:56 PM

Just saw this.....Lets wait to see how he does re: his job...He may get rides to work and it will be ok.....Deal with the stuff as it happens...yea, its good to plan...cover your butt, but one day at a time....worse case scenario you can take the car and sell it maybe??? At least you didn't say he wrecked it....I think I would take measures to protect the car, though....

slogan_jim · Senior Member

Thanks again guys,

I just spoke with him on the phone. He was coherent. Here's what went down.

He blew a 1.9. The legal limit in Ontario is 0.08 I believe.

He was at a local establishment. He drove home and just as he pulled in 2 police cars pulled up behind him. They said that someone called in a reported his address. He said that the cop said 'we've been waiting for you to come home'. They cuffed him, and he made a comment about taking his life. Because of that, they kept him overnight in a jail cell for about 12 hours. In the morning they asked if he remembers what he said and he said, he said it out of frustration and he doesn't own a gun. They let him go.

He spoke with his sponsor, program friends, He phoned a lawyer and we await the next steps. He says there are people in the program that have more than one dui and don't do jail time. He says he will tell the judge about his prostate cancer to see if he can do something else instead. The lawyer will know all that I guess.

He says he will be selling the car as there is no point keeping it if his suspension is for 3 years. He has someone to take him to work tomorrow and he will take the bus form there. He even read me the schedule, so he's been looking into it.

Says he can't rely on me and my sister for rides, it's not fair to us, he's put us through enough. He loves me and we'll talk tomorrow.

All in all I am relieved. Still wondering what comes next.

One day at a time.

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

Jim, it sounds like your dad is at least formulating a plan to take control of his life and to take responsibility for himself. Isn't it nice to know that you don't have to do anything except pray for him and support him as he works through his difficulties? One day at a time is all it takes!

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks for the update, SJ. Sounds like his HP is looking out for him? Hopefully, he'll follow through on his plans and glad he's talking to AA. I didn't realize he is actually involved with it. I'd still check on the loan and wait on whatever other facts come to you about his situation without any effort on your part. I'd be wondering what comes next, too, but like you say - "One Day at a Time." It must feel more than frustrating to you sometimes when you are in a position where it seems like your parenting your parent? I hope you know, you don't have to do that even if it feels like that to you sometimes? Good work today, SJ. You kept calm, reached out, listened and responded to what you read. We're rootin' for you, for your Dad and for your sister, too! Lots of support and prayers.

Jen61 · ~*Service Worker*~

My husband's second DUI was very expensive. He did not drive for over 5 years. It is a roller coaster ride for sure and hopefully your dad will finally get help. Take care.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Jim - I know your dad and your sister are all the family you have and it's scary - However, I am just wondering about the statments like "WE will await the next steps" and "We got through it" during the last DUI. This is HIS DUI - his journey, his court case....not yours.

Not judging - but there are even little nuances in language that keep us more involved in other people's problems than we have to be.

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Prayers to you and your family. Thankfully, there was no loss of life....now their are chances to choose responses.

LeenieBeanie · Senior Member

SJ

Prayers for you and your family at this time. Hopefully this is a wake up call for him and he wont be sliding down the slippery slope any further.

Our alcoholic daughter just got probation for her 2nd DU in this state . She has another from when she lived down south, making a total of 3.

Don't know what it takes to lock her up....

Stay strong

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