The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
In addition to checking in here for ESH several times a day, I have also been reading posts that I have started to pay attention to the progression of where I was when I came here at the start of 2012, and where I am today.. It has been helpful to see that I started as desperate, angry, bitter resentful and now feel determined, resolved, peaceful(ish) and accepting. I know now how much strength and wisdom I have gained from everyone here sharing their stories, experiences, personal victories and pain. I know that had I not come here and started f2f meetings I would be stuck as I was for over two decades in a situation that was not changing.
I'm so grateful to know that we are all in this sharing our stories together. Would love to hear how others deal with the 2 steps forward 5 steps back that can happen sometimes? For me since my soon to be ex travels so much, the 5 steps back flares up when he is in town and not as busy with work--frees up some time for some maudlin phone calls and probably the combination of our long history together and my own co-dependency and I find myself listening, engaging trying to reason, explain....like I said, 5 steps back. Anyway, of course I have my ways--reading, coming here, checking in with friends, running, piano etc to put positive focus on me but would be interested to know what you do if you feel the 'backward slide' in terms of dealing w the As in your lives? A recently divirced friend of mine suggests the interaction each time is like reopening a wound, not allowing it to heal. Any thoughts?
I am trying hard to pay attention to how well the kids are doing as a positive guage of where I am as well...I guess it's human nature (and codependent nature?!) that we guess and second guess ourselves?
Mostly I am posting to express gratitude for the support here--this process is daunting and as you can see from above it is so hard for me to be content with living right NOW...I am working on it though!
Hi Mary. Excellent idea looking at your old posts to remind yourself of how far you have come! Re the 2 steps forward 5 steps back... I try to remind myself that recovery is not a linear process... it is more of a zig zag line, but it's general trend is up!
Aloha Yanksfan!! That is soooo good and affirming to experience in and hear back. This is how we get to learn that "it works when you work it and also when you give it away". For me practice is what gives progress on a firm foundation of acceptance; acceptance that this is a disease and that I didn't cause it, cannot control it (except my part) and will not cure it, because no one can. You were told as we were that we are and this is about you knowing you and also knowing the thoughts, feelings and behaviors you use which do not serve you and your peace of mind and serenity. You were told that we attend face to face Al-Anon meetings holding on to the hands of our Higher Powers and Sponsors and that we listen, learn and practice...how affirming that you have done that and we learn again thru your work that what we practice also works. My forgetter use to be the most overused tool in my program and not now, anymore. I remember the lessons and that practice, practice, practice is required. We have shared our pain with others who have known that pain and have not been coddled...we have been step by step redirected, sometimes in very small changes and have come to understand that change is what we can do, are allowed to do, must do in order to get that elusive peace of mind and serenity that others speak about in meetings with honest smiles on their faces. We desperately want the "WHOOOO HOOO" they cheer with and we ask nay plead to our Higher Powers..."Me too please...Me Toooo".
We have learned that 2 steps forward is what we are to make habit and then stop and enjoy and practice because we know about the 5 back and we will not let those steps happen because they also are choices. We do the positive and the appropriate and the steps back stop and we "WHOOOOO WHO" and enjoy the change and learn a third step and forth which create the momentum that takes us past the point of falling back...we don't relax we create this new way of living...in all our affairs.
The ups and downs in my recovery which were about my reaction to whether my alcoholic(s) and addict(s) changed when I learned with the help of my sponsor and the program to "not project" the future...garage sale my crystal ball and stay in the moment. I also sold my "what if" manual and gave the idea of "what if not" an opportunity to balance me. I killed my expectations of everything except the program and working it as I was being taught and directed. I needed to save my sanity much more than have a clean and sober spouse and so I also started more practice of "detaching" and then "detaching with love".
I read your post and it sounds like you are at that place of learning to live for Yanksfan spiritual peace of mind and serenity. I will pray to HP for your additional "Courage to change the things she can" Please (always say please...HP loves humble people) and then continue being a fan of Yanksfans recovery. Good to hear your growth...it inspires. ((((hugs))))
Thanks, yanksfan, for reminding me that looking back can help me realize how much I have moved forward. Here is what I posted in July, 2011:
As of today my AH has now lost:
1. His health
2. His home
3. His self-owned business
4. His childhood best friend
5. His children
6. Me
What else is it going to take for him to finally hit the bottom? I keep asking this question when I pray to my HP. My HP's plan for my AH is a mystery to me.
Little did I know then that the 7th loss to add to this list would be his life (he died in January of this year). I've often read here that they either recover or die from the disease of alcoholism. And as for us, we either get better or get worse. I'm glad that I'm doing better now with the help of Al-anon, my sponsor and my HP.
I remember posting on the steps forward and backwards, isn't it amazing to look back and know how far you have come!!! It's not easy, but it's good to have the record of all the forward steps.
For me now I'm trying to work through Step 4, and move forward!
Thank you for sharing. I think 2 steps forward, and a few steps back is part of life and I try not to dwell on my failures in this area. I have to learn that acceptance of myself for who I am is truly important to recovery just as much as acceptance of the alcoholic. As you said, it's human nature to second guess ourselves but I have learned that if I turn it over to my HP and pray to be in his will, that I can sleep better at night even if the answer makes me very uncomfortable.
The last few readings of the year in the ODAT asks that we review the year and see how we have grown and changed. It is a powerful practice that i enjoy doing
Thanks for sharing the journey
-- Edited by hotrod on Wednesday 14th of August 2013 08:48:59 AM
When I first came to Al-Anon, I struggled with the 2 forward, 5 back steps thingy. Felt like I was moving slower than concrete because moving at the 2/5 speed I was NEVER getting ahead... I was always a few steps behind where I thought I should be and where I wanted to be. As I work this program and let my HP and time do what they do, it started to change... 3 forward, 4 back, 4 forward, 4 back, ... 4 forward, 3 back (yah!, one step ahead!) 5 forward, 4 back, 5 forward, 3 back (yah! 2 steps ahead!) Ahead of what? Of my self loathing, harsh self judgement, self pity, mental intercourse (where my mind literally tries to screw me) LOL and all the other goodies that come with being me.
In short, compared to where I was... I'm no where near that today. Because each step or two forward accumulates. For me, back stepping is a sure indicator that I need to slow down and look at my program. What step am I currently working, when was the last time I reached out to my sponsor, how many meetings am I getting to each week, what literature have I read??? Another very important factor for me is to look at the people I am interacting with the most. I can't get well when I'm huddled around a bunch of other sick, toxic or otherwise unhealthy people. I have to be interacting regularly with people who have been down this road a little longer and are a little healthier than me. Another and extremely important piece for me is, what am I doing on a daily basis to enlarge my spiritual condition? When I am running on empty spiritually, I am likely running on empty in all other areas, and just trying to bull doze my way through the day.
There is no perfect method, there is no perfection in this process, it is a process... and if I can look back and see progress, I have to give myself a little bit of credit and stop beating myself up for not being superman.
I like one of Melody Beatie's daily meditations called, Near the Top... I'll share it here.
Near The Top
I know you're tired. I know you feel overwhelmed. You may feel as though this crisis, this problem, this hard time will last forever.
It won't. You are almost through.
You don't just think it has been hard; it has been hard. You have been tested, tried, and retested on what you have learned.
Your beliefs and your faith have been tried in fire. You have believed, then doubted, then worked at believing some more. You have had to have faith even when you could not see or imagine what you were asked to believe. Others around you may have tried to convince you not to believe in what you were hoping you could believe.
You have had opposition. You have not gotten to this place with total support and joy. You have had to work hard, in spite of what was happening around you. Sometimes, what motivated you was anger; sometimes fear.
Things went wrong - more problems occurred than you anticipated. There were obstacles, frustrations, and annoyances en route. You did not plan on this being the way it would evolve. Much of this has been a surprise; some of it has not been at all what you desired.
Yet, it has been good. Part of you, the deepest part that knows truth, has sensed this all along, even when your head told you that things were out of whack and crazy; that there was no plan or purpose, that God had forgotten you.
So much has happened, and each incident - the most painful, the most troubling, and the most surprising - has a connection. You are beginning to see and sense that.
You never dreamt things would happen this way, did you? But they did. Now you are learning the secret - they were meant to happen this way, and this way is good, better than what you expected.
You didn't believe it would take this long, either - did you? But it did. You have learned patience.
You never thought you could have it, but now you know you do.
You have been led. Many were the moments when you thought you were forgotten, when you were convinced you had been abandoned. Now you know you have been guided.
Now things are coming into place. You are almost at the end of this phase, this difficult portion of the journey. The lesson is almost complete. You know - the lesson you fought, resisted, and insisted you could not learn. Yes, that one. You have almost mastered it.
You have been changed from the inside out. You have been moved to a different level, a higher level, a better level.
You have been climbing a mountain. It has not been easy, but mountain climbing is never easy. Now, you are near the top. A moment longer, and the victory shall be yours.
Steady your shoulders. Breathe deeply. Move forward in confidence and peace. The time is coming to relish and enjoy all, which you have fought for. That time is drawing near, finally.
I know you have thought before that the time was drawing near, only to learn that it wasn't. But now, the reward is coming. You know that too. You can feel it.
Your struggle has not been in vain. For every struggle on this journey, there is a climax, a resolution.
Peace, joy, abundant blessings, and reward are yours here on earth. Enjoy.
There will be more mountains, but now you know how to climb them. And you have learned the secret of what is at the top.
Today, I will accept where I am and continue pushing forward. If I am in the midst of a learning experience, I will allow myself to continue on with the faith that the day of mastery and reward will come. Help me, God; understand that despite my best efforts to live in peaceful serenity, there are times of mountain climbing. Help me stop creating chaos and crisis, and help me meet the challenges that will move me upward and forward.
I am sooo grateful you posted this because sometimes I forget that things are changing and I have .. yes .. things change if I put the effort into it. You my friend have put a lot of effort in and you are reaping the rewards.
Hugs P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
thanks to all of you for sharing your support and strength; I am working hard to try and appreciate the difficult days as well as the ones when I am feeling strong...
Doing it alone is white knuckling it for us, too, I think. Glad you're helping us through our difficult days and celebrating our growth with us, too. (YF51) (As an aside, looks to me like Derek Jeter may be getting ready to move out of his shortstop position. 3 injuries in a year or less. Hope he recovers, but dunno.)
