Why Being A "Victim" Is Awful - Al-Anon Family Group

WorkingThroughIt · ~*Service Worker*~

Why Being A "Victim" Is Awful

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Being a victim for me was living in the "I'm bad, I'm not acceptable and everything is wrong because of me". Immediately all of the lessons come back to me now when that happens. From "Get over yourself" to "What is so important about you that the world has to walk on eggs shells around you"? Those and more initially hurt my feelings yet caused me to look for answers as others saw me. I formed opinions about me based upon others reactions to ???? whatever. I wasn't allowing others to have their triggers always thinking I was the trigger and then I learned some stuff that help me alot. One of the solutions was in the question "Could you be wrong" when I thought and came up with an answer as to why. The other was inside of the slogan "Live and Let Live" and this one was like a crowbar to my closed mind. It came with a question, "Could I just not allow others to be who it was that the were or seemed to be at the moment without thinking they had to be different or that it was all about me"?

Those are inventory questions and the solutions are hugely important to my peace of mine and serenity and perspective. I also learned about "giving mercy and giving margin" which is about allowing others space around me to live their lives in the moment. I learned to give mercy by allowing myself to think and feel that often times what I didn't or don't agree with has nothing to do at all with me and that they have something going on with them that may need greater attention. I don't always know what and why others do what they do and unless I know I ought not react as if it was me.

I use to victimize myself by default which is crazy when I hold it up to the light of "I ain't all about me". You're right...it's awful and with work that could be come awesome. (((((hugs))))) smile

-- Edited by Jerry F on Monday 12th of August 2013 08:31:25 PM

tortuga · Senior Member

THANK YOU TANK YOU for that reminder.....'to allow myself the right to be happy and create some newness'...
exactly what I needed to hear today. and exactly where I need more practice..we must grow into the experience, indeed!
I wish you courage and persistence.
may we all be happy

have a good week.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

smile

tiredtonite · Veteran Member

Awareness is so important for maintaining emotional balance and our serenity. I read your post about the book lady in your Alanon meeting. I'm an acoa too and I can tell you that even after a number of years in this program if I'm having one of those "feeling less than" days, I become overly sensitive to the actions and words of those around me. It's as if I need my a validation fix! This is when I most need to work the spiritual part of my program and spend time with my higher power who accepts me without condition. It helps me to get back to being ok with myself just as I am and just where I'm at today.

Ya know I've had a few experiences like your book lady experience and feeling rejected. Yet, I can also tell you that when I was new and being an acoa I was afraid to make mistakes, worried someone would judge me and carried a lot of unjustified shame about who I was. I guess what I'm saying is the book lady might be carrying some baggage along with the books. Either way, easy does it when it comes to referring to yourself as a "victim." We're works in progress all of us and some days were just more hypersensitive concerning other people. We're just a bunch of humans - it's to be expected. wink The up side is that we still have willingness to work at getting more comforable in our own skin. I think for the most part, we're loving, caring and forgiving people more often than not. Unfortunately, the ones we tend to be least gentle with are ourselves. Hope you sleep well and tomorrow feels better for you than today did. You're supported and cared about here. Keep coming back. TT

WorkingThroughIt · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks both.
And TiredTonight, that is an excellent awareness - I am incredibly hard on myself and people in AA who want to punish sometimes cross-talk at me and complain I think I'm a victim.
I need to go easy on myself more than anything.
We are indeed works in progress.

Tort, enjoy your evening as well!

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

WTI: To add a bit to my smile, I don't think being sensitive is anything but what it is - a gift. Sensitive persons are often told to get a tougher skin, toughen up, can't you take a joke, you think too much - and on and on the emotional abuse goes. The only time being sensitive is a problem is when we don't use it to help ourselves move out of toxic environments or get mad at other people because they aren't like us. It's also a problem when we believe the admonition not to be so sensitive. Being true to ourselves is of utmost importance and if you are a sensitive person, you are probably highly intuitive as well, maybe an artist, poet, writer or musician? These gifts make the world a softer place.

WorkingThroughIt · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks G2B. There are absolutely great things about being "sensitive"!
Enjoy your night, good to "see" you today!

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

And in the seeing, I'm sure you've noticed that I'm gorgeous - just like you? Giggle. Forming relationships with people whose names we don't know and faces we don't usually see - is quite an interesting thing, isn't it?

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

I am sensitive too....I accept it...don't fight it....AND when I feel in victim mode, I work the steps and get to the "why" so I can move off the "why" and get to the "what" What can I do for me..what boundary do I need to set...What old pattern needs to be owned and worked on, etc...

there is nothing wrong w/being sensitive...there are folks w/different "make up" for a good reason...variety...creation made variety for a good reason...Probably so we could learn from the different folks.....So I accept my sensitivity...And it can be my good friend, in that I am very very intuitive..I can "sense" the slightest changes in a person's demeanor....it can be a good friend, this thing called sensitivity....and when I am taking stuff personally, I do a quick step 10...is this an old trigger?? or is it a real insult that they handed out to me?? I THINK...then respond if need be , rather than react....

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear WTI

Thank you for your awareness and wisdom. it is a pleasure to walk this road with you.

WorkingThroughIt · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks all.

Jerry: resentment part of step 4, "We realized that the people who wronged us were perhaps spiritually sick."

FIRST I have to see that they are sick.

Then, "...they like ourselves were sick too."

So if I'm disturbed by them, I must be sick too.

Furthermore, "We asked God to HELP US show th the same pity, patience and tolerance we would cheerfully grant a sick friend."

On my INSIDES I want to feel lighthearted, perhaps even humorous about it. It's an inside job. And on the outsides, well, I can be cordial and formal. I can add to that I might just give a very slight cheerful
smile of lightheartedness. I don't have to be intolerant or rigid. NO PEOPLE PLEASING.

Of course when we are close to God this happens automatically. This is not about figuring stuff out and willing myself to do it, it's about adding these concepts into my inventorying so it comes automatically.

Can't wait to do my writing this morning!

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Good post. I like the insights. If not victim to other people, I often thought I was victim to bad luck, horrible circumstances, and conditions inflicted upon me. These were more common than me thinking I was victim of other people (though that happened lots too).

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

Being victimized doesn't mean you have to stay a victim - my ex A plays the victim card all the time, the world is against him when in reality, life is just going on around him.

WorkingThroughIt · ~*Service Worker*~

And life can be hard.
It's
Especially getting tough out there right now.
We are in a society that is thirsty (for God and Principles, although many don't know that's what they really want.)

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.