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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Text
Post Info TOPIC: Text
grateful2be


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Hi, Cathy. Are you afraid of him or afraid of being pulled into some more drama or afraid of how you'll react if you respond? If you can identify the fear, what might be the step, slogan or solution that could be of help to you now?

This is my experience with my son: If he acted out in ways that hurt himself and me and within a few days I behaved as if all was forgiven and all was okay, I would feel like I had betrayed myself.

My experience has also been that when I act while my emotions are all churned up, I regret it most of the time. When I've had time to become aware of my own fears, the reasons behind them and ask for God's guidance and wait - either the situation changes and I realize I don't and didn't have to do anything except to acknowledge it - or I am clear on the next step to take.

Others may think differently than I do on this, but if my son had brought alcohol and drugs into my house, lied to me about doing that, acted like I'd done something wrong when I confronted him and been angry because I was upset by his driving when he couldn't even walk or think straight, it would take me awhile to respond to him at all or if I did, it would be something like this to a text that he'd gotten a job: Hope it works out for you.   Mom

In my tradition, we talk about something called cheap grace. Cheap grace to me is immediately returning to a relationship in which I had been harmed and disrespected in a short time and acting like nothing had happened. Once in awhile, somebody might act out in a big way and that might result in my letting go of a pretty firm boundary in a short amount of time, but when it is repeated behaviors that are destructive and harmful, I will do what I can to keep my side of the street clean, my boundaries in place, learn the lesson I need to learn and refuse to put a whole lot of energy into the relationship until I see a change that tells me it is time to reconcile slowly.

My son hasn't been allowed in my house for years. Now, I don't even let him in my car. That isn't because I'm trying to punish him or control him.   It is because until he is actively seeking sobriety, I don't want to deal with his temper tantrums, drama, or continuing needs that he wants or expects me to meet. Others may handle this differently. But, it works for me. I keep my house my safe place, my car and place of business, too.   When son shows consistent behavior that demonstrates his increasing maturity and impulse control, then I might let down some of those boundaries.   But not now and not until he has demonstrated that he is trustworthy enough to let him ride in my car or visit my home. He might not like it, but I do think he knows why and even if he doesn't, I do.



-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 11th of August 2013 02:28:52 PM



-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 11th of August 2013 02:30:22 PM



-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 11th of August 2013 02:31:36 PM

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Cathyinaz


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It's been a good day so far.  I'm putting together my new patio furniture and just stopped to get a bite to eat and something to drink.  I check my phone and there is a text from my son.    Quote:   I have the ranch job......

OK......I don't even want to respond to his text.  I think it will just give him hope mom will come and help him...maybe move....or whatever. 

He needs to just be on his own right now.....I don't even want to cross that street.....don't want to even step off the curb.

Can this be right?   Can this be a way of keeping me safe?  Keeping me without fear and anxiety. 

I hope he's telling me the truth but I don't even want to find out at this moment. He can do this on his own......yes he can......

I'm rambling I know but I get scared......I can't believe it...but he scares me.

I needed to tell somebody......I'm scared.



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Pushka


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Hugs Cathy,

You have every right to be scared based upon recent events especially, it's normal to react in that way. The biggest gift of the program is to allow me to feel that it's ok for me NOT to react to a text. I can feel whatever I'm feeling and it's ok. This stuff with the STBAX his texting my oldest child I have to let him be where he is at and let it be, .. literally just let it be .. HP has a plan for him and it's not mine or for me to meddle in and try to make it something that it's not.

If your son is working that's amazing .. if he's not .. well he will have to carry that burden on his own. It's not going to change anything if you respond to that text that is 100% on him.

I'm so sorry that this is so hard and learning that I can feel scared, then I can pause and proceed .. question what helps me feel less scared about a situation. I don't have to react to a text immediately if at all .. just keep doing what you are doing.

Hugs P :)

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afglin


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It would not hurt to reply in my opinion. But you don't need ot offer help with moving or setting up. Maybe something like..Let me know how your job at the ranch goes. I am happy you got it.


That lets him know you care and does not get sucked into his drama.

We don't give advice in alanon. this is just what I would do.

LIN

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Jerry F


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Cathy...Him getting the job and you being afraid are two different things.  He gets to work on the ranch and you get to work on the fear.  Try choosing another emotional response...like gratitude and empathy and support for the news...something positive like that.  Continue to understand that the fear reaction is temporary...it will go away while you continue to work on practicing powerlessness and faith and acceptance.  Scared isn't the only feeling available.   (((((hugs))))) smile



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Debilyn


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 the unknown can do that. I would just wait for the doing it. hugs honey,deb



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Cathyinaz


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Went back out and finished putting my furniture together.....I'm loving it....nice new patio furniture. Now have a nice space outside to sit and enjoy.

My reaction to him or about him is something I have to learn to control. I'm powerless to do anything so why in my mind I think something is going to happen with me. That can only happen if I let it happen. Yes it's the unknown or past history that takes me to the fear emotion. I still have that enabling monster inside of me.

I went ahead and text him back " I'm happy for you, I hope it works out" Hugs!! I feel better than to ignore him. I just can't be giggly excited for him and he will sense that because of past history.

I pray he follows though but if not I will keep on keeping on.....practice, practice practice.

I am not alone.......

(((( hugs ))))


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 Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth

Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.

 
grateful2be


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(((C)))  Back at you.  So glad you got your furniture put together and now have a space to enjoy yourself under the stars.

Texting him back seemed the kindest thing you could do for you.  If I got it I would think, she still loves me.  That's all I'd need to go on with my own life while my Mom went on with hers. 

After all the years I've been in Al-Anon and with all the years I've been through things with my son, my inner urge to rescue him or to excuse him and his behavior still kicks in.  The difference for me now is I don't give into it as often although the feelings still rise up in me when I hear his voice or know he's trying to contact me because he wants me to help him do what he has to do for himself.  It isn't anything he is doing.  It's just something that happens in me when he calls.



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Cathyinaz


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I have those same feels no matter what my son did. I get mad and upset, become really strong and THIS IS IT NO MORE...then a week later.....oh oh oh...my poor son. I think because of his disease he can't do it himself....I have to help....GEEZ I'm a basket case sometimes. As bad as the alcoholic trying to stop drinking and then giving in again and again.

But you know...I have this feeling this time I don't need to step in, I don't need to do anything, I don't need to rescue him anymore. He will either make it or he won't...I'm OK with that now.

I love him but I will let go.....he needs to know if you want sometimes out of life you have to go get it and not mom giving it.

(((( hugs ))))


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 Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth

Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.

 
Tasha


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I think you're a good mom. Yes that's my judgement : ) Take it or leave it *wink*.

I think we mom's take other mom's inventory pretty innately. I have spent time gauging how I'm doing as a mom, by what others are doing. I know I couldn't do it all alone - however... when all is said and done... I have to learn to trust my gut. This is my learning process - my kids too - my HP is here for all of us - always.

I think about when my kids were babies and I was letting them cry it out. It was awful. My gut told me to go in and nurture them. Finally after 6 months listening to the doctors and other mothers... and even strangers on the street say 'no no no... don't go in there' - I snuck in one night and whisked my baby into bed with me. We slept peacefully every night from there on out... together. It was our little secret, and we were safe. Woman didn't set their babies in the opposite side of the cave and then go to sleep alone on the other side!!!!

Now I "pay the price". My kids are 4 & 6 and still sleeping in a cot at the end of my bed.

Am I paying the price? Or do I GET TO spend long nights whispering and giggling with my 'babies' about silly things, and sometimes important things... and everything in between.

My son's best friend just lost his mother to a brain aneurism. She was 33. I'm 35.

I guess detaching with love is different for you.

My kids aren't on drugs. They get hopped up on sugar and keep me awake past my bedtime... I. AM. SO. TIRED!

I need breaks - I have to detach from them with love.... FOR ME! I must love me enough until I can love them enough and then I must detach again so as to keep the balance. Before recovery, I never ever ever loved me. I wasn't good at loving them. Quantity is not better than quality... IMO.

So I have no advise or experience. I can only imagine that you will know when you're loving your child from a reserve of love you've built for yourself to dip into and give out. And if you pay attention closely - you will know when that is empty and it's time to detach with love for yourself... to refill your tank.

I can't give what I haven't been responsible to give myself. I GET TO be an example of that because of recovery and the 12 steps... and I give them 'practice time' at it. If I don't break away for a while, and give them a chance to experience and practice and learn... I'm not loving in a healthy way for me or them.

Someone told me to teach them so they don't need me anymore. ZOWIE!
xxxxx



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Cathyinaz


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(((( Tasha ))))

I hear you and I need to continue with my 12 steps to get healthy again. Healthy for my son that he may one day find what you have. The gift of life and the love you have for yourself.

You have done a great thing for your children...they have their mom and nothing in this world could replace that. They will grow up knowing they have the greatest mom in the world that loves them more than life.

Thank you so much for your prayers....I am not alone.



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 Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth

Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.

 
Breakingfree


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You are working a great program and you are not alone! Sending you love and support!

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neshema2


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Cathyinaz wrote:

..

OK......I don't even want to respond to his text.  I think it will just give him hope mom will come and help him...maybe move....or whatever. 

 

 

 ((((((((((((((((Cathy)))))))))))))))))))  hang strong, lady friend......I agree with your leaving it alone........You know its "hands off" time...and u r doing great



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neshema2


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I went ahead and text him back " I'm happy for you, I hope it works out" Hugs!! I feel better than to ignore him. I just can't be giggly excited for him and he will sense that because of past history. 

 

 

((((Cathy))))) I think that was great...kept it text (distance)  yet send love and congrats.......yep....I think that was a great move on your part, and NO expectations as u illustrate......fantastic work, ladysmilesmile 



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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!! 
neshema2


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neshema2 wrote:

I went ahead and text him back " I'm happy for you, I hope it works out" Hugs!! I feel better than to ignore him. I just can't be giggly excited for him and he will sense that because of past history. 

 

 

((((Cathy))))) I think that was great...kept it text (distance)  yet send love and congrats.......yep....I think that was a great move on your part, and NO expectations as u illustrate......fantastic work, ladysmilesmile 

**********************************

My earlier post said "leaving it alone"  didn't mean to totally diss the guy....just leave his "journey" "lessons"  alone......Just wanted to clarify on that,  I think text over talk in this instance was smart.........

 



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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!! 
Cathyinaz


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(((( neshema ))))

At this point if I need to respond I rather do it though texts. I don't want to talk to him. He makes me nervous. One minute I'm fine and the next upset and worried. All I can think of that he wants something that I can't give him. I don't want to be involved in his decisions and he always always wants my opinion. No more, not this time. My anxiety has just went up 8 points just thinking about him.

Yes Jerry....practice, practice practice. Jerry is talking in my other ear right now..



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 Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth

Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.

 
WorkingThroughIt


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Hi Cathy

i know the fear.

for me, I won't text with anyone in recovery, esp alcoholics. texting can become the "norm" esp for younger people but it can also be an excuse to not pick up the phone and/or manipulate. Of course they don't really see what they're doing IF that's the case. I've just been foiled too many times on text and email with these folks.

and if it hurts me I have to set boundaries.

in any case, I see your point. You are afraid to be let down or save him maybe Too.

how about you start letting more and more time go by between communication? Not sure if you feel you should be talking to him at all but your heart where God is knows what's best for you and for him. I try to feel the truth without guilt!!'

Can I not trust that God is running everything?



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