Confused (Amers) I feel your pain, and yes I have been where you are. My first AH (I've had more than one. ) would threaten suicide a lot. It is part of the disease, and because it is part of the disease you can apply the 3 C's... I didn't cause it, I can't cure it and I can't control it. Let me add to that... "It's not my fault, nor am I responsible, if he choses to do harm to himself." My AH often would call me and say, "I have my gun laying on my bed and if you don't come home I'm going to use it." I don't know how many times that I ran home to him scared to death of what I'd find. Fortunately he never followed through. 

You have done what you can do... you called the police. That's all you can do, to do more would put yourself in danger, IMO. You can also pray... his Higher Power will watch over him, of this I know. If you decide to take out a PFA (I'm thinking that's the same thing as an Ex-parte Order of Protection in my state) for you and your children's safety... do NOT feel guilty... you have to do what is necessary to take care of you and your children first and foremost. I had to do the same. I also had to stay in a woman's shelter with my daughter for a time. We do what we have to do.

And no, you are not the only one "who has walked away, shut the phone off, and prayed that something bad doesn't happen." Take care of you, and I will be praying for you too, Confused.

 

Overcome 

Howdy confused - If you have not already, I would try some alanon and/or naranon meetings.

I'm hearing a lot of turmoil and serious mental abuse that you are enduring from your addict. TONS. Short of actually physically abusing you or threatening that, I hear every other kind of abuse going on. And him taking advantage of knowing that you want to help and feel desperate, confused, and helpless - but also prone to guilt - in doing so.

No - you are not the only one who has walked away, shut the phone off and prayed something bad wouldn't happen. Most folks would have done that probably. If you tell this story to people that don't understand addiction and what it does to families, my guess would be you get immediate reactions of "Oh my God, why do you put up with that?"

I understand why this is going on and I empathize. This is your husband and you didn't plan for this - and really he didn't plan for it either. You care for him and somehow think that will help him - which it might if it were any other kind of sickness. But it's not. His addiction is very powerful. Even supposing he was "sober," he's still on methadone and that is gonna make him seem high at times (it's still a drug with some affects)...and that is assuming he's not using anything else which is unlikely describing the behavior you are describing.

Anyhow, he sounds unsafe to himself and others. Your trying to "help" him is likely going to hurt you. He is beyond your help...way beyond. If he's gonna do this, he will do it on his own and he will need to reach out to NA big time.

For you, this is serious - alanon and/or naranon can be the saving grace that aids you to take care of yourself and step out of the way of his recovery or lack there of.

Hi. Al-Anon, Nar-Anon and special care for yourself at this time is the best way to help your husband. You did what you needed to do for you by leaving the situation, turning off your phone and getting rest. My x blamed me for his drug use. I blamed him for how I felt. Al-Anon helps us take responsibility for only our thoughts, feelings and behaviors. The rest is none of our business. That spells freedom and peace for those of us who truly want to make changes for ourselves which can result in changes for our loved ones although that isn't guaranteed. What is guaranteed for us is an increasingly serene and joyous life if we apply the steps, slogans and learnings from others to our lives. Much support for you. This disease is a killer if we allow it to do that to us. Al-Anon is the medicine we can apply as an antidote to the disease.

My ex used to threaten to kill himself, send texts saying he is sitting on the bed with his knives all around him wondering what he is alive for; used to threaten to disappear into the woods with just his father's gun and kill himself so I wouldn't have to bother with him anymore. He sent a text to my daughter telling her to tell her mom to turn on her phone and call him or he would destroy my gig stick - a memory stick that held all my work for other people - got what he wanted, I called (we'd been fighting and he'd stormed outta here again) - ya know what was so vital he had to use threats to get? His pool cue, it was in my car and he wanted to play in a tournament. Poor baby, I was about 100 miles away, and I wasn't coming back just to give him the stick.

Remember those kids growing up who would threaten to take their ball and go home if they didn't get their own way? Suicide threats work because we care so much, oh we don't want them dead, please don't I'll come help you.... and once again, they get their own way. Once suicide threats stopped working between my ex and I, he moved onto other tactics, his only goal - to get his own way.

Yesterday was the two year anniversary of my second divorce - I didn't celebrate then, and not celebrating now - too tragic - but I remember when he got the signed papers in the mail, he went to a bar of course, drank too much, of course, sent me a "HELP" text and I responded because contrary to what he believed, I still loved him. I drove him home and stuck around a bit to be sure he was ok, watched him go back and forth between being normal and feigning extreme sorrow with tears and grimaces and all - still trying to get something from me that I wasn't giving anymore, I was detached, cold even, said goodbye and bawled all the way home. I say he was feigning sorrow because I know what I look like when I cry, my eyes are a mess, my face gets puffy, breath hitches in my throat, and I can't really communicate at all.

And I still love him - well, the him he was at first but I'm not playing into his game anymore - Al-Anon helped me to find the detachment I needed to get my emotions out of the way so I could think. They use our love against us to get what they want until we learn how to not let that happen anymore.

 

 

Confused...Welcome to the board.  I'm glad you are here and listening.  You are not dealing with a normal "He"..."He" is your altered "He"; altered mind, body, spirit and emotions by mind and mood altering chemicals.  The real "He" isn't there and maybe isn't even near there.  If your thinking is that maybe what he is going thru is something like a bad flu or something that isn't even close...His mind, body, spirit and emotions are being altered by chemicals he is taking because he has a compulsion and obsession which is more powerful than any of us who are not addicted can understand.  Having the chemicals and taking the chemicals are more important than staying alive...cunning, powerful and baffling.  It is the mindset and desire of every alcoholic and addict to be able to drink and use with impunity and with no negative consequences which isn't sane.     Does that help you understand your picture?  Are you expecting something and someone which you cannot have because it is irrational?  The consequence of drug and alcoholism is an abnormal life and most family, friends and associates and spouses of the alcoholic and addict don't desire abnormal and choose to continue to live in it.   Does that help you understand your picture?

Simply the best place for me to go to understand was to the face to face open meetings of the Al-Anon Family Groups and AA; then I began to understand how sick my alcoholic/addict wife was and how unreasonable it was for me to expect anything else.  I also got to understand how sick I had become and more.  You don't get sober and sane from drinking.  You get sober and sane from not drinking and learning how to live that way one day at a time without ever drinking again.  

Keep coming back.   I hope a bit of this has been helpful.  ((((hugs))))