Hello dear MIP brothers and sisters...it's been so long since I've had a chance to visit or write. I've missed you.

XAH and I have not had any communication since the beginning of July, when we were working out some of the details of the divorce decree. I am relieved that the only thing left is to take the quit claim deed to the mortgage company to take his name off the house.

Work is going well and HP knows that I needed some extra $$ so he placed some extra freelance jobs in my life to help me get along.

My three-day weekends this summer have been a true blessing. I have been a little hard on myself because there's so much to be done and I wanted to use the time wisely. However, I also know my limits and have tuned in to my body closely enough to hear it say "REST - dammit!" LOL So I've been trying to balance taking care of business with getting some well-deserved R & R.

One of the most interesting things that is coming up in my life (and in my fourth-step inventory) is realizing that I love Love LOVE to force solutions.

And as the Al-Anon welcome says, forcing solutions makes me irritable and unreasonable without knowing it. And I'm sure it does the same to others who are being forced upon.

I am trying to learn the balance between working smartly toward what I want, or forcing what I want. It's a tough one that reared its ugly head while I was on a date last night.

The same person I had written about before. We've gone out several times in the last couple months, but a busy work schedule on both our ends has restricted our time together. We finally had the chance to go see a movie last night and we really had a good time.

However after the date, we went back to his house. I had been building some major expectations for last night and hoped that we may get the chance to have a little smooching session since his son was with his ex-wife (which happens pretty rarely) and it was just the two of us alone together.

That went over like a lead balloon, but it was my own doing.

He was really tired because he had been doing a landscape project and had been out in the hot sun all day. After the movie, he was wiped out and even said he needed to go to bed early because he had continue the job this morning at 8 a.m.

But I didn't listen, and pushed it because I let my hormones get in the way. 

We ended the date with a discussion about our differing expectations for the night. He said that he was just expecting us to have a nice, mellow evening. I said I would have like a little more than that, and I was frustrated because my expectations were much different.

Finally, I just said thanks for the lovely evening, and that I hoped we would be able to spend some private time together but obviously this wasn't the night. He walked me to my car, we had a really nice kiss goodnight, and he invited me to go see another movie with him, his son and some of his son's friends Sunday afternoon. 

I felt like hitting my head against the wall repeatedly when I got home and still am feeling it today. D'OH!!!!!

So many feelings today.

I have to stop this "is it me - was it something I said - something I did?" behavior. It is NOT me.

I finally am getting to the point where I feel like a sexy, successful woman again after 10 years of riding the merry-go-round. I've lost almost 45 pounds at this point and am frankly feeling my oats. I'm fitting in clothes that have been languishing in my closet in years. I had foot surgery two years ago that has finally healed enough to where I can wear my awesome stiletto heels again that I LOVE and that make me feel attractive.

I have a career that I really like, friends and family who love me and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and adventures that await.

OF COURSE I wanted to spend some private smoochie time with him. He's witty, smart, successful and pretty darn sexy.

Yet, I saw that he was tired. I could hear it in his voice. He even apologized in advance if he fell asleep during the movie. But I chose not to see what I saw and proceeded full steam ahead, much to my detriment. PS - I'm really good at that, too! Cripes.

I need to stop having expectations of what I WANT to happen. If it's gonna happen, it's gonna happen. My HP wouldn't just drop me someplace I'm not supposed to be.

I may have blown it with this guy...I may not have. My HP will reveal more when it is time. I just need to keep on keepin' on.

I'm also realizing that my behaviors and responses to people and situations are being seen through the eyes of someone who has lived with an alcoholic. My friend calls them my "beer goggles!" LOL I need to get rid of those goggles and understand that not everyone behaves like my XAH did in our relationship. 

That'll take some time to work through, and I just need to be patient with myself. Progress, not perfection, right?

I've heard a saying in meetings that has really resonated with me. "Disappointment is unmet expectations." I am a living, breathing example of that today. 

HP, my prayer for today: Please take away my shortcoming of trying to force solutions. Help me to learn the balance between working for what I want and understanding that while your goals for me are sometimes unknown, you always have my best interest at heart. Help me to understand that the best things will happen when I don't try to force it and just enjoy the ride.

Also HP, you know I've got a heart and soul still on the mend. Please protect me as I learn these lessons.

Amen.

Good to be back with you, my dear brothers and sisters. :)

 

Welcome back to the board. Like you, I've tried to force solutions and ended up feeling bad about myself in the process. Glad to see that you are comforting yourself with the slogan - "Progress, not perfection." I can't help but wonder if what you're thinking about him in relationship to you is a mirror of your own thinking? Maybe he blew it with you because there seems to be something between you when it comes to wanting more private and personal time with him than he seems able to deliver right now?

I dated a guy once who was a perfect gentleman. He was a big help to me as I climbed out of the depression prison I had been in during my marriage and for the first year after it. He was kind, decent, a hard worker and attentive to my emotional needs. Yet - there always seemed to be somebody in the middle of our relationship. It was as if his being alone with me with no kids(mine) or his brother's family(who he lived with) was almost impossible. Even if my kids were with their Dad or with a babysitter, it seemed as if he always had something or someone between us and the continued development of erotica. In hindsight, I see that he was very good for me as a decent man who treated me with respect and kindness, but he wasn't a good match for me on a more intimate basis. I broke the relationship off with him after 3 years. He was angry and hurt but not willing to make a commitment to me that made sense to me. I realized we could have spent 7 more years together and not much would change with him. I moved on. Not saying this is true for you, but I see some similarities and wanted to share my E/S/H.

Thanks Neshema - ooh...that's a good one that you brought up - that letting go doesn't always mean giving up.

I've always had a hard time with that one, too. One spat with a partner and I thought "that's it, we're gonna break up." One disagreement with a co-worker or a boss and I'm out looking for another job.

Letting go and giving up don't always mean the same thing. I appreciate your ESH on this. (((hugs)))

Great post, welcome back...been there , done that ...and yes I agree, great awareness, i think that's what it takes, you are doing well, don't be too hard on yourself...take it slow, with yourself
Hugs

My thought is put yourself in his place. I am thinking, since he already asked you out again, that he was very flattered that you are attracted to him! Just becuz he was too tired is no big deal. Here it makes me think this is a real man who didn't just say ok and let his hormones jump your bones then be sorry!

He obviously feels comfy enough with you to want to wait till he is awake! (c: Geez you wanted him, how bad can that make him feel? I would leave it up to him to want to kiss me first, that is just me. After that watch out.

What is so bad about your wanting him. Force solutions? After all you shared about changing you, I can see what made ya a little too excited to try it out! So now just mellow out and see what happens. At least now when ya do get intimate, you will know he really likes you, is not doing it to just well uno.

Why is it people today are so quick about all this, talking sex? I have learned for sure, the relationship is ever so much better to get to know them very well first. I loved waiting till I was married.

with the new you, make him wait, make you wait. You know how it feels to have to wait for a present. Even movies and tv shows let all that desire build up. When we get intimate too fast, we lose knowing that person who is our friend first also.

I remember what you are talking about. I was like that when I was young.

My guy or sorta guy these days, got sorta ticked with me cuz I asked him when are you coming to where i live, or do you want me to come there. Or? He was tired from work, but still. I said geez how bad it must be that someone you love wants to see you. whatever.

anyhoo good you saw that about yourself. Please do not be hard on yourself, he sounds like a cool guy!!! love,deb 

For some reason I was thinking about your post again. You know not one place in it did you mention you really liked this guy and wanted to let him know this. Or that you felt a closeness with him.

What  I did see was hormones, he is sexy.  And that you are feeling sexy and like your new bod. Now maybe I am old fashioned, but for me I want to kiss someone at that moment when he wants to or I want to. Nothing planned. How does one plan or have expectations of intimate things when it may not come up? For sure it did not for him. And you had planned it.

Is that maybe what you do also? You make up what you want to happen then do your darndest to make it so? Do you ever let things come as they do?

Not just solutions but in almost everything?

Just what I was thinking hon. love,debilyn