The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I wrote not so long ago, how big of a mess I was, and yes, I'm still a mess, just with a different perspective and a lot of gratitude. If my wealth were to be measured by what is in my pockets, I would qualify for the Federal Emergency Management Agency to step in! LMAO
But my wealth is not in my pockets, its in my heart, and in my spirit. It's in my relationship to myself, to others, to the universe around me, to the God of my understanding, and in the thousands of words I get to experience right here as you share with me your experience, strength and hope. Yes, I do experience being alone, but I rarely feel lonely. Just as every fiber/cell of my being is connected to one another in one form or fashion, I am connected to the universe in one form or fashion. There is a universal energy that I am a part of, and this is a part of me. I see that I woke up again today, not because there was a alarm clock going off, but because the universe called me forth again. Many alarms will go off this morning, but many will not wake up again, as it rings next to them.
You, yes you, the person sitting in front of their monitor, tablet, ipod, smartphone, reading this are a meaningful part of my day today. You are not alone. We are on this journey together. Feelings cannot measure or even acknowledge the distance between us, understanding and compassion reach places in the spiritual arena that NASA hasn't even explored yet.
Morning John. Been thinking about you. Working in rehab industry now. Many of them are terrified of going to halfway and are spending inordinate amounts of time trying to convince loved ones that they don't need it when I know they do. None are from NC yet but if they were...I might be writing you asking if you had openings. Just an aside. Glad you are doing well!
P.S. You know I came to MIP when I had 60 some days sober....This site (the AA board and now this one also) have been HUGE motivators and contributors to my life as a whole. Obviously you know you do good things but you also facilitate others to do good things too. So thank you!
I will have decaf with cream and Stevia thank you!
I'm up early this morning , I have to go over to Kaiser and take my regular blood tests for my Diabetis and other stuff.
Grateful that I have never suffered any complications. I just take my meds, watch my diet and do what I'm suppose to do
because I want to live and stay connected to this Universe and the people in it.
Everyone have a great day as I raise my cup of coffee, here's to connectiveness and Compassion and here's to you John.
That was a very good read, especially the part about the alarms and being called on by the universe.
Lately, I've been questioning where this is all leading for me. Things in my life have gone down to a snails pace.....my social life, my dating life, work had begun to get slow, the NHL/NFL seasons havn't started yet.....I just kind of feel...dull and boring...my weekends are mostly spent alone with little social interaction and most of my socializing is done during the week.
But I have so many blessings to be thankful for and I know that. When I begin to feel sorry for myself, I think of all the times that God has come through for me and that he's kept me here even after all the chaos. There were times when it could have been over or I felt I had more than enough reason to throw in the towel, but nope! Still here :)
I am kinda like Slogan Jim...Went to bed depressed last night...Money is tighter than a bull's butt in "fly time" and I am seeing myself getting older and life and making it getting harder and harder
Wondering what I am supposed to do...I want a few acres soo bad with a couple of horses (had em all my life..they are my therapy) that I want to cry
I know, wanting a "thing" is not good, I was telling my best within me that I don't care if the house part is a mobile, small or not, I just want to be in country, riding my horses feeling the movement underneath me as we are one...I have to be near work...Can't make it on Soc. Sec. alone, other wise I wold sell this house...go out in the boondocks and do it...but I have to be near work...It has always been that way for me..My dream has been to be out of the city, in the country for a long time, it just hurts more now b/c I see it not ever happening, so I have to LET GO
I am , however, rateful for my good healthy inspite of the ptsd and anxiety I am in good shape, grateful that I have my alanon fellowship, my daughter #1 is working her program and doing quite well with it...
I was on facebook again last night and I see these homeless horses , affordable to buy at various auctions and I think "if only I had a couple of acres I could swing it with grazing cutting down on my feed costs, I know how to trim their hooves, I know how to booster shot them and worm them and I wouldn't have to pay a stable for room and board"
I have hunted around for affordable places and there are none, anymore near me...and I would want my pet with me where I cold watch and she cold be in her own safe pasture...
I visualize this but not so much of late b/c I get depressed....
Funny, growing up was so miserable but the one good thing about it was my horses...I remember fondly only that part...so even hell had its one good thing..My horses and how I could ride off into nowhere with them and feel soo free...recharged to endure another week with the tormentors...
Today I will go to the pool..Its our last weekend and a lot of us will gather and for that last swim of the season, then I will have to do dancing exercises to keep in shape and I wll sit out back in the sun here at the house...maybe when weather cools a bit I will run in this park we have that begins across the main street off my street...
I, too , am wealthy when it comes to loving people who really care about me....only about 4 are DNA, 2 brothers and 2 cousins, the rest don't exist anymore to me and I am more peaceful...the rest are non blood but that never mattered to me b/c as you say, we are all connected ..We are all parts of the universe...I so agree
While I wait for the pool to open, I will visualize myself w/my beloved horses, their smell, sounds...the bond I had with my equine friends was so beautiful....I cold do anything w/my big pets....whether I trained and broke them as babies or rescued an older horse., I wold do bonding stuff with them and there is nothing that feels so good...
I drove around to see if any stables were near me that maybe I could "expense share" with an owner who is struggling and we could "co-share" the pet but the few stables that were open near me are gone....This crash affected soo many things...
Oh well, I will visualize and vizualize and in the meantime I will do what I can to find joy...work on me...try to fill the vacancy the client I had to quit left , I have had to make so many changes to stay going...
Sorry..Don't mean to sound negative, but I have been depressed of late..Life slipping away and I am thinking "what am I doing here?? what purpose do I have??? is this all there is??? struggle struggle w/my needs not met?? and forget the wants, I can't get past my needs"
I don't know, Just going to go day to day...research about putting me back together w/my horses was a failure...and with work so insecure and hard to find, at least the type that I can do and I cannot work full time anymore b/c I ampartially disabled due to the ptsd...experience overload with mind work tires me out and I have to shut down and rest....Funny, I can go all day physically, but mental work and mental strain, I get exper. over load and I have to rest....
Oh well...they say if you visualize something enough you can draw it too you, so instead of "distracting" myself with you tube and facebook to run away from my dreams being deferred or just denied, I will try to go it one day at a time...Try and find joy wherever and whenever I can....work my program...try to put out good energy...try to make good karma....Allow this grief to pass through me....I got healthy too late to make any of my dreams come true, so why the craving?? Why can't I just quit craving my little dream place out in the country w/my horses??? I guess it won't hurt to, during my meditations to experience it in my visuals.....AND while I do that, just try to put out good energy to make good karma.....
You know I almost had my dream place ONCE ....It was way out east of me, maybe 50 miles, but too far from work...i was gonna put up a deposit on this cute little place out in caddo mills, TX...it was PERFECT for my dreams....waaaay far away from work.....not doable in bad weather...so I started looking for work in that area....None....while I am dickering about what do I do, the house caught fire and burned down to the ground...It would have been perfect...3 acres...smaller house, but who cares???? have a garage sale and get rid of some of my stuff.....but the place burned down and I was working at my last FT job then and I knew the clock was ticking on my ability to stand FT work w/my issues...I was starting to need more rest....well when house burned down, I guess it was not meant to be...I was heartbroken....I still think of that cute house w/the perfect place for a barn and pasture...
Oh well, I dont' want to ramble, but I wanted to share my story....I haven't said a word about it till now b/c it is sensitive issue, and I was afraid of sounding not grateful for what IS right in my life....I am ...i am gr8ful, but I feel like I am just existing...I get up...work my program....try and network homeless horses to help them not end up in slaughter so I share them, trying to drum up interested people who could save them, I even send $5 to $10 when I can to contribute to their bail, so they find homes....and sometimes it just gets to me...Sometimes I feel my dreams will never ever be realized...
I came sooo close a few years ago....then my job went belly up after the house burned down, so maybe I was protected from financial failure b/c back then I would have been carrying a mortgage....
So thankful for that....sorrowful to have come so close, but no score.....
So GOOD morning folks....I am going to get into my meditations more, visualiations more....facebook and youtube less.....maybe through thought I can bring my dream to me in some way.....I even bought a halter at a garage sale to "throw the good energy out there"....I have my tack...I won't give it up.....Because if I give it up, that will mean that my dream is hopeless....I don't want to go there
I hope your health is doing better...I think about you, sending you healthy and healing energy.....I am going to do some meditations after I check the posts......working on facebook trying to find homes for some lovely equines, I dream that were mine is hard, but if I can't have them, I will help someone else have them, however there are times I want to SCREAM....."Haaaay HP....how about ME TOO?????"
Take care, you all....
John I put some $$ in the MIP kitty....we should be good to go for a while, I hope.........Wish I cold have given a bit more, but big bills are coming up on the horizon so I gotta be careful and this cell phone is sucking up my battery bad and bats I have to order online and expensive, so I am trying to negotiate w/verizon to do a new 2 yr. contract and so I can have a phone that will WORK worth a crap.......see ya all later
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Glad to hear you are feeling better! I'm enjoying a cup of java this morning before this mornings Sunday Spiritual Meeting in chat. Why not come on in and join us and share your e,s, & h? We'll be discussing trusting our HP. Hope to see you there!
Lisa (Overcome)
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I can Overcome all things through my HP who strengthens me.
Thank you so much for your words of hope, John... 