Not sure if I boarded the crazy train, but I went to the station - Al-Anon Family Group

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Not sure if I boarded the crazy train, but I went to the station

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

When I first got into program I had come to understand and admit that I didn't know and didn't know that I didn't know anything about the disease of alcoholism much less even to spell it. Dumb as a stick I use to admit and then the program says at the end of each meeting, "If you keep and open mind you will find help". That is absolutely true. I let go of all barriers I had toward other people helping me and just accepted that they cared and loved me unconditionally. I followed directions..."Sit down"..."all the way down"..."Listen....learn....practice, practice, practice": and I did and accepted so much on just faith alone because I knew so little. I did what I was told and I followed other members practices all the time without question even the one that told me, "You cannot have a rational conversation with an irrational person"...rocket science (for me...still a stick). "When in doubt don't"!! which saved my ass soooo many times because my habit was always to give the alcoholic/addict power over me and I never knew how to respond to her or others and so I'd get hurt and flustered and angry and blow the whole situation up. I always had doubt about what was up, down, proper in relations to the disease and that slogan allowed me to say to myself "Don't!!...not now!!...wait!!...and even out loud I don't know, I'm gonna think about that". That slogan gave me soooo much margin and mercy from having to win discussions or arguments....I Don't have to win at all do I? Then came the master question from my sponsor which set me up so well all the time in my relationships with the alcoholic/addict, my dysfunctional family, others who were looking to have their power and control verified by me..."Would you rather be happy or would you rather be right"? Are there any more easy to ask questions than that one? Happy...Happy...Happy. (((((hugs))))) smile

-- Edited by Jerry F on Saturday 10th of August 2013 12:19:37 AM

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I had a phone conversation with my exAH tonight that took a bad turn. Reason number 1 was because he was drinking, reason number two because he is an active alcoholic. We were discussing getting together for a walk when I take the girls to him on Monday and discussing some things. I told him that I am unsure if it was a good idea since he is drinking again and he said his family left him he was blaming me because he was 30 days sober when I left, which is true. I told him if he was really working an A.A. recovery program and was staying sober for the right reasons he would have stayed sober, he told me that was very below the belt to say such a thing and told me not to call him back and hung up. I felt bad for leaving him with 30 days sober under his belt but he was just being a dry drunk and I knew it was a matter of time. It was not his first time drying out and I saw the writing on the wall. I don't know if what I said was fair, but I do believe it to be true. Saying that to him when he was drinking was not smart, I know. Him still drinking is not my fault and I did not believe that for a very long time. Give me some ESH MIP family, I need it!

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

" everybody hates me, nobody likes me , guess I'll eat some worms."

Oh, Boo , Hoo....., He will get over it. Truth will not kill him, but drinking will.

You did fine, you didnt say anything that was not true. He's either gonna drink or not.

I always use to tell the A, I know why Alcoholics get married, because if they were'nt married , who are they going
to blame for their drinking. You know what, I'm sure they would come up with something, lol...

Carry on Breaking free your doing great. you are not responsible for his recovery. Don't let him confuse you.

Hugs, Bettina

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Breakingfree wrote:
I felt bad for leaving him with 30 days sober under his belt but he was just being a dry drunk and I knew it was a matter of time. It was not his first time drying out and I saw the writing on the wall. I don't know if what I said was fair, but I do believe it to be true. Saying that to him when he was drinking was not smart, I know. Him still drinking is not my fault and I did not believe that for a very long time. Give me some ESH MIP family, I need it!

You felt bad b/c you are a loving person, but you know it was the right thing to do.....Your posts that I have read now for a month or so shows me you are really strong in your program and taking good care of you....yea, dry drunks are no fun.....been there done that.....it does not work...the patterns are still there, just no booze.....and U R right....NOT your fault....remember your slogans...the 3 C's.....I did not cause it......cannot control it...........sure can't cure it............they love to blame us, but now it doens't work b/c of this gr8 program....I loved the title of your post, LOL...caught my attention big time.........U R doing great, my friend....keep up the awesome work......... biggrin biggrin biggrin

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Bettina wrote:

" everybody hates me, nobody likes me , guess I'll eat some worms."

Oh, Boo , Hoo....., He will get over it. Truth will not kill him, but drinking will.

LOL...Bettina, this is great.....and sooo true....AH#1 was real famous for being the victim and it was always MY fault.......this made me laugh.....Thanks... biggrin biggrin biggrin

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Remember my thing is their disease and how they deal with it is none of my business. I would not say anything. Maybe you are right, or yes we all have a right to believe what we believe etc.

I said it must be very hard to be an addict. Or I am sad you are so sick. But as far as any info, forget it,not my job. I told my A I did not want to hear anything about it. It was not my problem or issue.

That I loved him no matter what, but his disease was his own. Plus I hate it when I would see him after a day or two and first thing he would say is I am not drinking. LIke that is all I cared about. Besides I did not like to hear him lying, and saying things that were so apparently not true.

Not sure if this helped or not.To me its like if I want to get healthier, then eat ice cream and the next day I say I sure am sick, and he says well you know you are intolerant to it and it does not digest right. um shut up.....

uno?

hugs,deb

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

Oh, Bettina, that was a good one. Yes, who else is he going to blame. Well, in Bf's case, he's going to blame his ex, right? UGH! My AH blames everyone and I mean, everyone else, depending on the situation. The neighbors, the people who drive trucks, the people who have tattoos, his boss, corporate America, ME, our son, his family, his own mental health issues, blah, blah, blah.

Yep, boo hoo, is right. Sorry, BF, you did good. Nothing wrong with speaking the truth. Yet, we have to remember that A's don't live in the same reality that we do. Once we accept that and we say what we say and don't say it mean, we can give it over to HP, and get on with our day. Hugs to you today, I'm sure it wasn't a fun conversation to have, dealing with someone who's drunk never is.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I left my exAH 3 years ago and have been divorced 2 years now and so I no longer feel responsible after all this time and in working through my steps I learned what was mine to own and what was his. He was never abusive sober and very rarely and only at the very end when drunk, but I left non the less for a better life. I sometimes wonder had I found al-anon when we still were together how would things have worked, but since he is active now and no longer seeing his A.A. sponsor I know I am crazy for even considering going on a walk and talking with him. I will always love him, but I can not live with him actively drinking and I know that after 15 years I was with him and the last 2 away from the drinking have been hard, but so much healthier and easier to just breathe. I still pray for him and want to keep a detached relationship with him unfortunately I let myself get roped in every once in awhile. Progress not perfection is my aim. So another lesson learned and we will talk when he is sober next time and move through this one. I still have to decide about the walk and talk awhile back it was my idea when I thought he was sober. Darnit all, nothing changes until something changes, hmmmm.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

smile

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

My reaction is the same as Bettina. We have an AA saying "Poor me, poor me, POUR me another drink." Alcoholic king baby self pity. Yeah you engaged some but time to detach again. No biggie for you. Sucks that he's so sick and immature.

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

You are handling your situation beautifully. Understandably you will experience the complexities of this relationship as there is still love, but it is a great way to see yourself through the tension. Remember, being sober without recovery is still hell. A walk may expose you to more blame. I read recently "unless we transform our pain, we will transmit it". You are an easy target for him.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

The only thing I will say outside of you rock girlfriend is knowing when I'm trying to rationalize reason with an irrational person. I can say whatever I want if I know they have been drinking then what I say, how I say it doesn't matter. They are going to manipulate it the way they need to.

As an example my stbax is now saying that the kids left his house because he wouldn't buy them material things they were asking for and I am using that as 3rd party contact. There is more to it however OMGosh I have never been more horrified in my life!! So they are going to twist it the way they need to in order to continue to do the same behavior. The reality of what happened is sooooo different than what is .. so expecting anything out of him is completely insane on my part and logically I know this .. I forget though .. LOL .. You work an incredibly strong program and know what you are ok with and what you are not .. stay the course and do the next right thing for your own mental and emotional well being .. if he wants sobriety he will work for it .. it takes effort for anyone to work a 12 step program. No effort .. nothing is going to change.

Hugs P :)

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

As my sister puts it, there is no GOOD time to leave someone, no perfect moment to split the sheets - there are always holidays, special occasions, birthdays, etc. Every month has something in it almost and the burden of finding the right time between special days can be overwhelming. Add to that burden the extra load of waiting to see if this time sobriety will take. Just because they've been sober 30 days does not mean they won't fall off the wagon on day 31 and resume the abusive behaviors. AND - 30 days of not drinking doesn't really mean they are sober, not if they are not working on recovery - as you said, 30 days as a dry drunk.....

blondie99 · Veteran Member

BreakingFree, you are such a bad-arse! I want to be just like you when I grow up :) Nice work - now go ahead and get in a cab to get away from the crazy train station as quickly as possible. (((hugs))) Blondie

tortuga · Senior Member

you are understanding what is happening, your awareness is great, you are working your program marvelously.....everything else happens on the other side of the street, not yours...

Thanks for sharing, happy to read you are doing fine. Keep it up girl, we are with you..all along

hugs

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