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Hi, Tiffany. I read your post and find myself wondering if you aren't feeling some ambivalence right now? Although you say you want to fix things with her after 10 years, other things said in your post seem to point to not being sure you really want to do that? Maybe I just don't know the whole story or I'm misinterpreting your meaning? If you want to do your part to re-establish a relationship with your Mom that doesn't require any change on her part for you to do that, you might experience a better outcome than in the past where it looks like you tried to start fresh because your Dad asked you to do it? If you are wanting to do your part and have an idea in your head of what your Mom's part should be, it could be a very difficult and hurtful time for both your Mom and for you, too?
-- Edited by grateful2be on Friday 9th of August 2013 10:10:41 PM
Well I have decided for the first time in 10 years to fix things with my mom, it is time to let go of the past and move on into the future and have a healthy bond, I am not saying best friends. I am wanting a understanding that yes we can talk and we can go hang out occasionally, however I am not ready for it all. I want to see how it works out with an understanding. In the past me and her have always had a very unhealthy relationship, where we would fight and argue over just about anything that we would talk about. I went three years without talking to her and it didn't bother me at all. However my dad told me to start over fresh, well I did and all the drama starts back again, not saying I didn't feed off of it, but that is what I was trying to stay away from was drama and bad situations with her. There is more to this story, however not enough space. But I am pretty confident to a extent .
Tiffany alcoholism is a family disease and because of this we, the family of an alcoholic, all need a program of recovery I am glad you are here and attending alanon face to face meetings. It is all a process and takes time to eliminate patterns from the past. Please know that the Slogans and the Steps have been deigned to help us recover from reacting to people and help us to learn to act in constructive manner.
Keep coming back you and your mother's; relationship is worth it Maybe Mom could also check out alanon but she should attend different meetings than you do. 'Keep sharing because that is where the growth happens
I am glad you and your mom and gonna "try again"...if relationship is reconcilable, why not?? You have alanon under your belt and working a strong program, you can not only keep your side of the street "ok" but you can also set inner boundaries...
I have an "A" brother whom I choose to keep in my life b/c he is a good guy, but ohhh the drama factor can get "up there" especially if he has had a drink and not quite in his speach yet, but the personality changes....I just , while we are on the phone, if he starts getting drama'd and stuff I just say "OH...someone is at the door..gotta go"
There are ways to "bail" if the drama factor rises w/out getting them all upset....I used to throw the baby out w/the bath water, but now, IF the relationship is more good then bad, I can handle ME and my responses and not have to kick them out to protect me....alanon has helped me so much
Keep on workin on you......
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
When I made a choice to try to improve my relationship with my mother, I started very slowly and limited my time with her - maybe a hour at first by phone. I allowed myself to be vulnerable by telling her I would like to have a better relationship with her. When she agreed, I asked to have some personal boundaries respected concerning things that I did not want to talk about. I knew these had always been hot spots that led to arguments. I remember one time she told all we seemed to be able to talk about without arguing was the cat! She was right but once we both learned to mind our own business, things improved between us drastically. I was particularly resentful of how she catered to my brother but expected more of me. I had to let that go and not react when she shared things about my brother with me. I learned to use "How Important is It," a lot. I found that the longer I was in Alanon and working the steps the more my relationship with her as well as other people improved. Part of my step work was looking at why I was so affected by what others said or did. My work around the topic of boundaries helped me to become more respectful my own and of others as well even if I didn't like their boundary. I couldn't ask mine to be honored without it being reciprocal. That took maturity and being unselfish and it took time to learn. I also had to give up the idea of my mom and I having the perfect mother/daughter relationship. What is that anyway? This came down to a lot of acceptance of where I was at and where she was at. My mother was living with an alcoholic and had no recovery and her daughter (me) was a work in progress - a newcomer with a little recovery ( so evolved ) I think when I started talking with my mother like any other woman that I knew rather than my mom, things improved. I told her things I admired about her with no expectation just because it was true. I remember how surprised she was. It was as if she'd never really seen herself that way. Over time, we became best friends and remained so until her death last year. A lot of healing and understanding took place. We had started looking more at what drew us close to one another instead of what separated us. We'd both lost our husbands, A that we had loved. She'd lost my sober father to death, I'd lost mine to the disease and divorce. And those boundaries we both had put in place... softened a lot as we got to know one another as two adults. I think we gained a greater understanding of why each of did the things we did by opening ourselves up to know one another more.
I wish you the best as you get to know your mom one day at a time. TT
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Saturday 10th of August 2013 09:56:43 AM
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
My mom suffers from a mental illness that we believe to be schizophrenia. All her emotional ties to her family (kids, siblings, parents) are gone and have disolved. Even when we all try to reach out she pushes us all away. When we call it's as though she is talking to a co-worker, a friend, a neighbor. There is just pleasantries, small talk and a 'well, thanks for calling'
My mother grew up in an alcoholic home and married my alcoholic dad. How much do they have to do with the other? I don't know.
It's like I have lost my mom without actually losing her.
I have made the effort and the rest isn't up to me. You have made the effort and if she wants to be angry and complain, that isn't up to you.
) I think when I started talking with my mother like any other woman that I knew rather than my mom, things improved. I told her things I admired about her with no expectation just because it was true. I remember how surprised she was. It was as if she'd never really seen herself that way. Over time, we became best friends and remained so until her death last year. A lot of healing and understanding took place. We had started looking more at what drew us close to one another instead of what separated us. We'd both lost our husbands, A that we had loved. She'd lost my sober father to death, I'd lost mine to the disease and divorce. And those boundaries we both had put in place... softened a lot as we got to know one another as two adults. I think we gained a greater understanding of why each of did the things we did by opening ourselves up to know one another more.