Desperate - Al-Anon Family Group

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Desperate

Phoenix312 · Newbie

do you have those times where all feels out of control? Like everything you learned in meetings doesn't work and you feel like just....nothing.

I'm feeling like that right now. I don't have anymore fight in me, I'm tired of struggling. My abf is out of control and I feel like he's dragging me and my daughter along, and I can't find an anchor.

i hate him, I really do. I wish I could pack and leave and never see him again, but that's just not possible.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

I reached a point where I would have rather lived in a shelter or even in a box on the street than with my ex-A. If I had stayed any longer, there would have been some violent incidents and one of us would have been going to jail. So yeah...homeless was a better option even at the end.

Anything is possible. Try not to let the alcoholic dictate your choices. Not saying you should stay or go, but really - you can do all sorts of things you probably aren't envisioning at this moment. Depression is made worse by feeling helpless and that you have no options.

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

These are the times when I say "God came in and messed up my hair"....our HP sometimes has to make life so miserable and chaotic, we surrender (step 3). When I finally said enough, I was ready to give up everything I had and knew, to be free. It was then I could say to my husband, "move out" and he did not utter one peep. He packed up his stuff and left not knowing where he would go....I did not care where he went. I had live with his s_ _ _ long enough and he knew the gig was up. Why do you need to leave? Consider making him move...anything is possible. Your meetings have worked perfectly or you would not be feeling as you are feeling now. It seems horrible, but, I love when clients are at the point where you are. I say "finally"....you are ready to surrender your will to the will of your HP. Keep reaching for sanity...the program works if you work it and you are worth it.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

(((((Phoenix)))))....Good thing times like these are temporary huh? Stay in the moment...fume, ffffit, tantrum and spit in the moment. I remember my desperate times...all of them with and without the alcoholic/addicts in my life. I didn't know that there were explantations and solutions then and so I permitted it to eat my heart, spirit and almost my life out. The solution for me was the program and getting into the day...one at a...time. I learned stuff like Desperate for me was a desire for peace only...peace of mind and serenity...quiet and most often that mean't that I would have to give up blaming the addicts and alcoholics in my life for my insanity. It was my insanity...I created it with what I was choosing to do and also what I was choosing not to do. Desperation is a consequence of insanity. I get to thinking that there isn't a solution for me and that if I don't find the solution immediately all of "them" are going to do me in. Could I be wrong? I was wrong and I was insane and insanity was all I would practice until I got into Al-Anon. One of my early solutions which came from the fellowship was literature....read literature...go into the index and pull out the pages on the subjects of what I needed to have...go into the "Just For Today" pamphlete and memorize it until it force all of the insanity in my mind out with replacement. Meetings were a "must"...I did the suggestion of 90X90 and a bit more...service in meetings also helped unfocus me from the "isms" of alcoholism...I was a coffee maker and then more. You've gotten good feedback...stop blaming him and focus on Phoenix. He doesn't have any power other than that which you give him. (I hated that statement...until I loved it). Keep coming back ....Hugs smile

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Phoenix312 wrote:
do you have those times where all feels out of control? Like everything you learned in meetings doesn't work and you feel like just....nothing.
I'm feeling like that right now. I don't have anymore fight in me, I'm tired of struggling. My abf is out of control and I feel like he's dragging me and my daughter along, and I can't find an anchor.
i hate him, I really do. I wish I could pack and leave and never see him again, but that's just not possible.

hey Phoenix, I can relate to what pinkchip said, I ended up just leaving....packing my stuff and going and not looking back...I had friends and family I could stay with then he talked me into coming back...and the "till death do us part" vow I went back...the abuse started again....I left again and for good......I cannot say to you "go or stay" b/c that is not in our arena here at alanon......But i CAN suggest you get to a meeting....get out , hang with a friend for a time....just DO something b/c any good action will help U calm down.....this is a boyfriend so there is no legal stuff like child custody and all that to worry about and I don't know how old your daughter is, but I can imagine what this is doing to the child......BUT....right NOW...you need to get into a meeting if you can't find a face to face one, then go on line....do you have a sponsor???? any recovery friend you can talk with to "de stress"?????

I dont' know why its impossible for you to leave, don't know enough details, but if you think you are in physical danger, there are shelters that can help you get away and get started over in your life......

because I dont now your particular situation, its hard to say what I would do, but I know this....If I wanted out bad enough like my AH #1 was so mean to me...when I was done....I was done....I had NO money for rent, nothing, but I found a way to get out....it is a really neat story, too long to go into here, but I knew I had to get out and I found a way......

PLEASE keep working your program....find a meeting....talk with a recovery friend if you know anyone....just keep working on you, anyway you can......so sorry you are in this spot...but you are not helpless

worse case scenario if he is not physically dangerous, and you are trying to make other arrangements, while you are there, you can just detach from him, tune him out, work on your meetings and just "detach in your head" and let go that way....You CAN take care of you....when your mind is racing , Yea, I used to feel helpless , too, but even now, when crap happens, I STOP....breathe.....get into a meet or call a recovery friend and destress...get my bearings and then I can THINK...and respond in a rational way...

Please keep coming back......ok?????

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

grateful2be wrote:

When my mind is racing, it helps me to do something physical. If I can't go out this example helps me: I am sitting in the livingroom. The couch is soft. The carpet is still. I see the pictures on the wall. I notice my arms are cold. I notice I like the feel of the carpet on the bottom of my feet....

-- Edited by grateful2be on Friday 9th of August 2013 05:30:18 PM

Oh GREAT grounding exercise.....I have begun practicing that....like when I am in tub, or if I am walking outside in yard, I narrate to myself.....oh the grass tickles my bare feet, I can hear the crickets, I can smell someone cooking on their BBQ, and stuff like that.....really helps me get grounded and I can THINK w/out the racing thoughts......NICE share, (((G)))

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

PP wrote:
It was then I could say to my husband, "move out" and he did not utter one peep. He packed up his stuff and left not knowing where he would go....I did not care where he went. I had live with his s_ _ _ long enough and he knew the gig was up. Why do you need to leave? Consider making him move...anything is possible.

In my situation, I would have LOVED to kick him out, but it was his lease....I wasn't even on it...My bad...b/c I could have called the cops and got him out...but not in that way, AND we lived w/in walking distance of his enabling, meddling mother, so it behooved ME to be the "mover" but yea, why does the lady always have to be the one to leave?? with AH#2 this was MY house, MY name, I made sure that it was all MINE....when we got it in 1992....in 2000 I told him "AA our you got 30 days to leave" he was not abusive , not a threat, and off on leave from navy, so I knew he could just go back to the ship and stay......he refused AA so he packed his stuff and he was gone....later, he came for the rest of his stuff and that was it.....whim wham thank U mam....but THIS time in THIS house I covered my butt......he was on his ship when I bought this place and it was all in my name......in Fact he was out to sea...I was here 6 months b4 he even saw the place, but he was a good guy...just drank and I was not gonna watch him die....I miss him to this day, but I know I did right....I wanted help and he didn't.......sooo sad..... this rotten thing called alcoholism is the curse hey????

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

pinkchip wrote:
I reached a point where I would have rather lived in a shelter or even in a box on the street than with my ex-A. If I had stayed any longer, there would have been some violent incidents and one of us would have been going to jail. So yeah...homeless was a better option even at the end.

For me its almost like something goes "Click" in my head and heart and I know I am done....Like pulling a rubber band...ya stretch it and stretch it and then it breaks...and when it breaks it can't be put back together......that is what happened with both my X's...one was a B*****d and the other one was nice, but end was the same....I was done.....I can relate to your post...my first A was mean to me...There were times where I just wanted to bash his brains in with a skillet and ring his bell for good...and I came close to following through with that.......Knew it was time to go...

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

I stayed a month with my friend and her 80 year old mom sleeping in her couch. My ex-A had the nerve to complain I left him in financial arrears with regard to rent. This after ruining my credit and him not consistently working for years. I started getting very angry and resentful and hating him. Arguments became screaming fights loud enough to disturb neighbors. I got all up in his face..police did come and almost tased him once. He threatened me with a hammer. It was just so much drama...seems like another life now. I know I acted wrong now too but the whole relationship had turned super toxic.

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

pinkchip wrote:
I stayed a month with my friend and her 80 year old mom sleeping in her couch. My ex-A had the nerve to complain I left him in financial arrears with regard to rent. This after ruining my credit and him not consistently working for years. I started getting very angry and resentful and hating him. Arguments became screaming fights loud enough to disturb neighbors. I got all up in his face..police did come and almost tased him once. He threatened me with a hammer. It was just so much drama...seems like another life now. I know I acted wrong now too but the whole relationship had turned super toxic.

Yep...I can relate....my AH#1 was a doozey....I am really surprised w/my temper that I didn't ring his bell with a skillet with his abuse, throwing stuff AT me....I remember one time he wanted me to warm up some Chef Boy R Dee spaghetti and meat balls and make some garlic toast on the side...well I did it and hes insulting me and calling me useless and ragging on me the whole time I am making his snack and I can feel my anger boiling...by the time I reached the coffee table where he was sitting, mouthing off at me, I shoved that plate of stuff w/the toast and all, just shoved it in his face and it drizzled down from his face to his lap and yelled "Bon apetit...You a-hole" and I got outside before he could do anything.......yea, I can relate to super toxic relationships.....I let him get to me, I let him make me that mad....I had no alanon training re: detachment and in his case just leaving and staying gone........Wow....things are so different now...and as you said...."seems like another life" I share this and think "in my old life, I was and did this" and I shock myself.....now??? He would not have gotten to first base w/me....red flags, I run...I am not expecting to ever find anyone perfect as I am not, I am super imperfect, but I am not toxic.. but it would be nice to find somebody I could share life with and be healthy with..Enjoy and have fun together, but I don't hold my breath....I sure hope there is such a thing, LOL

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