The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
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Hi everyone. I've been going to F2F meetings since January and have yet to share. It's so hard for me because not only is my AH in denial, but I was in denial for more than 20 years. After much therapy and alanon, I've come to the decision of divorce. He would not leave voluntarily so I had to hire a lawyer and he is being forced out. My friends and family don't understand why it's sad for me to see him go. Apparently, I should be happy. My therapist suggested that my alanon peers would understand. So, here goes.
I was treated very very badly for many years and as his disease got worse and worse I buried all those bad memories deeper and deeper, pretending that we had the perfect family. Over the last year I found out, quite by accident, of some horrifying secrets he'd been hiding. With therapy and slowly it all came into light - my husband is an alcoholic. I can't shake the feeling of embarrassment and shame. I feel used and scared. I've never been on my own before. I have 3 teenagers. They are late teens. I feel ashamed that I wasn't strong enough to see the light and leave when they were small. They are all good kids who get good grades and keep busy in athletics. However, I have a great fear they will inherit their father's alcoholism - he's fron along line of alcoholics.
Well - just the "tip of the iceburg" as they say, but I'm exhausted now. I did want to say that as much as a fought going to alanon, from the very first meeting, I felt like this is the place I need to be. This program is helping me change my life. So thank you for everyone who helps teach us newcomers how to live again. Peace to all - Lee
and welcome to our family of Miracles in progress & Alanon.
So happy to hear you have been attending Face to face meetings.
You will learn new tools in coping with this horrible disease and to not carry the shame of alcoholism. Your husband has a disease and its nothing to be ashamed of , on your part and your husbands part. It's ok to love an alcoholic. Sometimes its hard for us to find the love we once had because its hidden beneath all the emotional baggage that this disease can bring, anger, isolation, shame, resentments, fear and more.
You have taken the first steps to a new realization of what life can be even in the midst of chaos and craziness. gaining strength and knowledge for the important issues that need to be resolved for the happiness and serenity of your life.
Keep attending those meetings and keep coming back here and post or vent and do what it takes.
Quote I can't shake the feeling of embarrassment and shame. I feel used and scared. I've never been on my own before. I have 3 teenagers. They are late teens. I feel ashamed that I wasn't strong enough to see the light and leave when they were small.
Hi, welcome to alanon family....Nooo need to feel shame and badly about you or him.....He is ill and no wife wants to face the possibllity of having to go it alone, etc.....
I am glad U R in alanon....GREAT first step....I would get into the meetings, steps and the literature.....Hey I married TWO alkies b4 I got into recovery, and do I feel badly about it??? Nope b/c I was so codependent I just didn't know any better....alanon helped me go back to my family of origin, working the steps, I went back in time and I found out why I was behaviing, thinking the way I was...so I worked on those issue...Now I am healthier and happier then I ever was, and you will be too..
One day at a time ok??? and Trust me, it will be rough for a little while, "going it alone" but you will feel better and your feelings will "catch up" with your actions to take care of you and re-claim your life....
Please keep coming back....This program is totally awesome
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Thank you so much for sharing. I can relate to your fear of your teens becoming addicts, for years I've lived with the same fear. My 2 are teens, well the oldest just graduated high school.
I've shared with them for many years that they have a very big chance of becoming an addict, some sort of addict because of their father with alcohol and me (cigarettes) btw I've been smoke free since January.
Anyhow, I've drilled this into my girls heads.
I've shared somewhere here before that they know. My husband "jokes" that he taught them to not want to drink, because they just hate it so far. I keep telling them that it's a big risk to take that first drink. "nobody drinks hoping to become an addict". I hear them preaching that to their friends. I can only hope it lasts.
Not to steal your thunder, so to speak, but I'm glad you shared that. I have the same fears.
I kept up the facade for years...and I too, decided to divorce. The people here are great...supportive, and offering perspective as well. You can take what works from the posts and leave the rest...
we have all felt the shame and embarrassment...but remember...addiction touches everyone...
Thank you all for support. The first thing I've learned by listening and watching others with alcoholic loved ones is that we are all in some sort of denial for a time anyway. That helped me alot because I thought there was something wrong with my brain that I let so many years go by without seeing it. I'm working on trying to stop blaming myself for his treatment of me. For years, I kept trying everything I could think of to change me because I thought he was drinking because of me. I know that's not true, but I'm working on believing that!
Lee - I absolutely understand your sadness. I can't think of any break ups of long term relationships I had where there was not some terrible sense of grief and loss. You loved him, had high hopes, had some great times, produced wonderful children together and it is legitimately sad that it's ending with him regardless of the bad things. Yeah, at this time, the bad outweighs the good...the disease is more progressed so what you are doing is sensible and necessary and other who are not in your shoes may have only seen the bad for quite some time and are not remembering other better times...they didn't walk in your shoes.
After a long marriage, it's hard to not have some of yourself intertwined with the other person. Some codependency is inevitable when you are married to someone for decades. So it may feel like you are losing a part of yourself. Only later down the road will you feel like you dropped some dead weight (I know that sounds awful but that's kind of how I feel about my ex-A and that was a lot of weight since he was like 360 pounds LOL).
So anyhow - I do understand your sadness and I empathize. Of course this is not easy. I wonder if your friends are trying to be well meaning and saying "Oh he was a jerk anyhow" thinking that is helping you to be more positive and not so sad. I can also understand that possibility. Because they just want to see you happy so much, your friends and family are going to have a hard time letting you grieve and feel sad for this loss but it's going to progress and you'll work through it.
Glad you found us. Sending lots of support. No need for judging yourself or your husband. This is a progressive disease like cancer or diabetes.
It isn't something you or he caused. Neither can control it. Neither can cure it. Alcoholism can be treated and arrested. Knowing that is the disease your AH has inherited, it is good you are going to get involved in Al-Anon. This is what I learned: In a family of four people, if one is an alcoholic, 1 child will probably be an alcoholic as well or marry one. If both parents are alcoholics, their children could have also inherited the disease. Your getting into recovery will not also help you, it can also help your children more than anything else. Al-Anon and/or Alateen would be a good program for your children.
