The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi, Ruby. Welcome to MIP. You've received some very good E/S/H here. To add a bit - my x behaved that way before we were married. I just thought he'd had a bad day, etc. I couldn't understand his silence at times since the last time I'd seen him we'd had a wonderful time together. I'd ask what the problem was - he wouldn't answer. So, I'd just go back to my apartment confused. (We lived in separate apartments the same building.)
To cut to the chase on this, after I married him he became abusive the day after we were married. I was stunned. His behavior - no matter what the reason - can be a big warning sign to you. There were other behaviors my ex displayed after we were married that were more than bizarre. I believed the in sickness and in health vow I'd taken. I lived with him for 8 more years. After the divorce, he was still abusive and his behavior could also be bizarre. I'd say there is a mental illness involved here - and one you may not want to marry.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Thursday 8th of August 2013 04:44:44 PM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Thursday 8th of August 2013 04:46:35 PM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Thursday 8th of August 2013 04:49:23 PM
First of all let me introduce myself, I'm Ruby, from Hampshire. I am new to the site and looking for a bit of advice.
I have been with fiance over 2 and a half years, we started our relationship when he was only 10 months sober, we took our time starting our relationship until we both knew that it was a good idea. My fiance told me about his addiction very early on and that he developed pancreatitus and almost died, resulting in him going cold turkey whilst spending over a year in hospital. 10 months into our relationship he had to have a reversal operation, in the months leading up to his operation he became distant and cold towards me, we managed to get through the rough patch and we became stronger. My fiance has been working the AA programme for 3 years now.
Throughout our relationship my fiance can suddenly change emotion, one minute he's great, happy and stable and literaly like the flick of a switch he changes, he becomes saddened and quiet, his whole personality changes and he refuses to talk, our sex life is a rollercoaster also, he suffers from low libido.
I have recently found out that in the months leading up to his operation his idea of infidelity was questionable, I have managed to work through these issues internaly however my fiance seems to just blaime all our issues on his addiction. No matter what our problems are it all seems to be blaimed on his addiction.
I totally support his recovery and I always encourage him to attend meetings.
The issues I have are with his mood changes, he doesn't seem to be able to hold on to positive feelings for long at all. I often joke with him about his 'miserable' outlook on life, he can see the issues but he doesn't ever seem to want to work through them.
I'm just looking for someone who can relate to me.
I have recently found out that in the months leading up to his operation his idea of infidelity was questionable, I have managed to work through these issues internaly however my fiance seems to just blaime all our issues on his addiction. No matter what our problems are it all seems to be blaimed on his addiction. I The issues I have are with his mood changes, he doesn't seem to be able to hold on to positive feelings for long at all. I often joke with him about his 'miserable' outlook on life, he can see the issues but he doesn't ever seem to want to work through them.
I'm just looking for someone who can relate to me.
Thank you, Ruby
Hello Ruby.............not sure what the "idea of infidelity" was about...do you mean he believes in cheating???? if so do you want to live with that???? accept it as part of your marriage if you marry hm????
Do you think you can deal with the mood changes???? Has he been checked by a doctor to see if he is Bi-Polar......it is treatable with medication, and good that he is in meetings.....
Now...........What are you doing about you???? are you in Alanon meetings of your own for you???? are you working the steps???? do you have a sponsor to gude and help you ??? are you working on the steps???? if no to any of these ???s you need to get started on it......alanon is for US...not the alcoholic...it is good he is in AA, however this is about you....I am assuming you came here to help you and that is very very good first step, now we gotta get really into this w/ what I suggested
Also I think I would go it real slow with him, back off, and work on you....3 years in meetings is "Ok" but if you are willing to accept a recovering alcoholic as a mate, then I would wait till hes been active in program for about 5 years.....
THEN, maybe you two would have a shot at it......A lot of alcoholics stay sober and do well in AA....a lot of them slip right back into drinking or using.....It is a chance you take....Alcoholism is never cured....it is only arrested w/steady program work and kept in remission one day at a time....
If I were you, I would get into alanon...work it hard and then, after enough alanon under your belt, then you can make a better decision as to whether or not you want to pursue this relationship or back out and wait for someone with whom you can relate better....
I look at me now and what I will/will not accept now as opposed to the days b4 alanon
If I don't mostly enjoy our relationship, If I have to work a program to be able to cope with them, if I am constantly having to detach from their issues that I do not care for in a relationship, if I find that they are just "too much work" for me Do I want that???? the answer is "NO" There is no such thing as perfect, but a relationship that takes that much work to make it workable, naaaaw....I don't think so....I got into alanon to get healthier...yea, I have my "issues"...who doesn't??? But I am keeping them manageable working my program and have been in my program long enough to where it is habit....b4 alanon I would not have recommended me to anyone....I was too messed up....Now??? I truly believe I could hold up my end of a HEALTHY relationship...and that is what I seek if I get with someone....A person who can hold up and keep HIS side of the street clean.....
I hope this made sense.....I would take it REAL slow, back off a bit......take a LOT of time....Work on You....focus on you....get to know you....Get healthier in your relationship with you.....THEN, decide o on what you want to do w/him....One thing I noticed about me.....My pain threshold is a LOT lower then it was before....yes, I expect in any relationship, things can get complicated, life can throw anything at ya, but two healthy people, pulling evenly on the plow, evenly yoked will be ok...they may rattle and rock a bit, but if the two oxen are both equals and pulling the yoke evenly, they CAN work through it....the key here is "even" and "evenly yoked" in that both of you are healthy enough in yourselves, that you can overcome the bumps and grinds of life
Take care
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Have you been attending face-to-face Al-Anon meetings.
It's time that you get to spend some time focusing on yourself while he focuses on his program (AA).
I've found that living with an alcoholic - be they sober or active - is challenging and confusing and when I get myself to regular Al-Anon meetings, I'm able to sift through the tangled emotions, responsibilities, etc. and figure out what's mine to work on and what's someone else's.
One of the important things I've learned through Al-Anon is that I don't have to wait around for my loved ones to be in a good mood before I can be happy. I can detach myself from their behaviors and live my own life, happy, joyous and free.
You received great ESH about finding al-anon face to face meetings and focusing more on yourself, that saved my sanity. I was better able to find what is was acceptable to me, no matter what other people said or did. I can relate to your post and just want to say I am glad you found us at MIP, keep coming back scroll through old posts and read all things al-anon to start seeing what it is all about. I am sending you love and support on your journey!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Welcome Ruby- you're in the right place! I relate to what you are experiencing and I'm sure you'll find many other Alanon members who also relate.
Alcoholism is a powerful, cunning, and baffling disease. Addiction progresses without abstinence and affects everyone who comes into contact with the addict.
It is too much for most of us to handle on our own. Please find and attend face to face Alanon meetings in your area, find a sponsor and start working the steps, look through the posts here on the MIP message boards, ask questions, and learn as much as you can about the disease. By working the steps, my life has improved.
I'm glad you're here. Keep posting and keep coming back!
Hi Ruby, You've gotten alot of good feedback, not sure what else I can add. I would suggest that you remove the focus from him and continue focusing on you. Think of your loved one as a little child--they don't get their way, they pitch a fit. What does a good parent do when their kid pitches a fit? They let'em! Let him pitch a fit, and remove yourself from the interaction. Say something like "I will talk with you when you're speaking more kindly to me" or "I don't talk with people who are calling me terrible names. Let me know when you've cooled down." Keep coming back!
Ruby
Welcome,
What you see is what you get! Don't think you can change him and getting deeper into the relationship
won't change anything either. Its not fun getting involved with a recovering addict. Its a hard road.
Hope you will attend an Alanon meeting and come back to the board and listen to the realities of being with
a person who has addiction issues.
and if you continue with this person, Alanon will be there to help you , to give you the tools of
dealing with all the realities.
Other than his lack of enthusiasm and mood changes he is the perfect partner, I just want to learn how to deal with those issues. Thank you for all your advice!
I am reading your Quote above....the sexual flirtation with a girl and the pornography makes him a "perfect parnter"??? Do you see that he has done things of a "sexual nature" TWICE that you posted about??? It is possible he has a pornography issue as well..sex addiction......My sponsor left her EX b/c of this same thing....It is addicting....It is devastating to a marriage b/c there is no trust...only disgust
If I were you , I would get on line meets if I cannot do face to face ones....I would work the steps and work the slogans, read the literature and find out WHY I would settle for a guy who is into sex, and it IS SEX, be it on phone, pornography, it is sexual and it is not healthy stuff with you
It appears that you really want to make this relationship "work"....alanon is about US, not the drinker or the user or the sex addict....it is about US and for US to learn how to think and live healthier
I would work my program, detach from him and think and focus ONLY about me.....
Let me tell you something....UNtreated, and not going to meetings re: him....This relationship has NO chance of making it...He will only get worse...Trust me, there is NO getting better for either of you without program......He needs it and so do you....But I am talking about you b/c you are the one here posting and alanon is about and for US
There is no chance for you to succeed in any healthy, happy relationship w/a guy who is an addict and now we throw pornography into the mix....it sounds to me that he has sex issues as well....cheating is next.....
Drinking does not cause a cheater or a beater or a porn addict....that is there whether they are drinking or not.....AND it is not uncommon for a person to have more than one addiction
I sure would not want a low percentage relationship like this one....I would be working my fanny off in the meets...on line if I can't get to face to face ones...I would find a sponsor...work the steps and work on me...and find out WHY I think this is the "best I can do" re: a relationship......I wold work the program and learn about me...Get a relationship w/me.....In the earlier days before recovery, I too, settled for drunks.....My first was physical abuse...That got me out of there.......there are things that are non negotiable for me.........abuse.......cheating........substance abuse.....and to me, flirting sexually on phone and porno is cheating...he is lusting after another be it phone, books, movies, whatever it is sick behaviour.....abuse of any kinds..physical, emotional, NOT gonna have it....and of course the substance abuse
an addict, not in active treatment will get worse and worse.....There is no happy prognosis for this relationship with his kind of issues, untreated!!! and he would need a BUNCH of AA and probably, sex addictions program as well.......then you still risk his slipping back into the drink and back into the sexual behaviours......I would , If I were you, be working on me, to find out WHY I think this type of behaviour is a "perfect relationship"
If you really really want to go to the meets, there are wonderful on line meetings here and other sites, that you could go to.....where there is a will to get better there is a way.....in my area the alanon meets "went down" one by one...just bad luck for me, but I got on line and worked the steps w/my sponsor....
Nothing was gonna deter me from getting help....I was gonna get me healthier come hell or high water.....Nothing was gonna stop me b/c I was SICK of sick living....sick of bad relationships, sick of being in a sick relationship w/me.....I wanted out of SICK living....or settling for these people who are not in recovery and cannot pull their share of the load even with me.....whether I ended up alone or not, alone is better than worrying about what bar he is in or in your case, what drinking is he doing and who is he "getting it on with" over the phone or lusting after in a book or other media.....I was sick of being sick and it showing in my relationships
alanon freed me of that....alanon showed me why in myself was I attracting the "fixer uppers" in my life, my codependency was doing it.....I didn't think I deserved any more and good ole parents were screwed up so I just married my "home life".....it was familiar and I had no self respect to demand any better
alanon freed me of that.....Now, the drinkers need not apply to my life....nor the users of drugs......none of them....I am not interested....I am healthier and can hold up my end of a good relationship and I will be alone before I settle for less...
Good luck to you......I do hope you can find the freedom alanon has given to so many of us.....Its a choice......live and stay sick.....OR get into program and get free........None of us here can make you want to help yourself....You gotta want it...reach out for it....work it....and then you benefit from it with a healthier happier life.....I will send you good energy so that maybe you will choose LIFE over this darkness...................PEACE to you
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Hey Ruby, You know him better than I do...I was just reading your posts and the sex thing didn't look good to me.........If you think this can work, I still say you need strong alanon work in order to keep the focus on you and just detach w/love on his problems and let him work his program.....We don't tell others what to do.....I told you only MY experience and what I would do.....I still URGE you to get into alanon so you can focus on you and your recovery......I wish you the best of luck and peace......All I can do is render my experiences based on what I read in a post and what I know of it through others who lived in it or my own experiences.......We never , here, tell a person what to do except recommend strongly the alanon program.........Peace and good will always
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Ruby: Whatever you choose to do in relationship to your fiancé, Al-Anon is the best way for you to take good care of yourself while you learn ways to support your A's recovery process. As far as his straying and your 100% trust that he won't, you are still bothered by the low libido in your relationship as you posted here. Although I agree that healthy relationships require work, in relationships that aren't affected by alcoholism the work is different. Al-Anon will help you decide what is work that is in your best interest and what is work that only serves to deplete your energy and not result in the outcome you want and need to survive and thrive in a romantic relationship - married or unmarried. Much support.
Keep coming back. We have on-line meetings here, too, if you can't get to face to face meetings.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Saturday 10th of August 2013 10:21:44 AM
Although I agree that healthy relationships require work, in relationships that aren't affected by alcoholism the work is different. Al-Anon will help you decide what is work that is in your best interest and what is work that only serves to deplete your energy and not result in the outcome you want and need to survive and thrive in a romantic relationship - married or unmarried. Much support.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Saturday 10th of August 2013 10:21:44 AM
hey G ...You say things so much better than I.....YES...a HEALTHY relationship requires effort.....but the effort bears good fruit and does not suck you dry..........an UNhealthy relationship requires effort, too, but there is NO good fruit that it bears....it just eats you up, leaves you bitter, tired, depressed, feeling hopeless/helpless.....I had to learn this the hard way.....healthy relationship, I feel happy and satisfied in....Unhealthy relationships in the past, b4 alanon, I felt empty, used up, and very unsatisfied....if that is the right word, lol....U said what I think.........
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
