The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Maybe I'm naïve or haven't gotten the whole of this, but is there a reason why you couldn't spend some girl time with your Mom tonight? Sometimes, I'd just go to my Mom's and we'd watch movies or talk (not after 10, we were too tired and didn't get along too well talking after that hour). In a day or two, I felt like I could go back to my own life and do what I needed to do. I didn't need to say anything except that I needed some girl time with my Mom. I dealt with what I had to deal with, but some things were simply none of my business. You don't even have to go to the shower. You can just buy a gift - or not. All sorts of options to try on for size. Living with an A is like living in a pressure cooker at times. Leaving the situation was dealing with the situation for me when I just didn't want to engage with what had nothing to do with me.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Thursday 8th of August 2013 07:14:52 PM
Boy oh boy, I am having a bad week. I have settled in to the fact that my husband will be going to a bachelor party this weekend and going to a strip club and I have to focus on him being an alcoholic and bad things can happen no matter where he goes. So while he has his fun at the bachelor party the soon to be wife is having her bridal shower that day. I couldn't remember where she was registered so I was searching online. DEAR LORD...what do I find....her mugshot folks of being arrested in June 2013 for posession of a controlled substance. (The couple getting married were supposedly clean for years) Now I have to buy her a present. And not only that....if she uses you can bet your fancy dollar the soon to be husband is too and how perfect that my AH gets a whole weekend to hang out with them. I know I know, don't worry...no need to get myself all worked up on everything I have no control over...so instead of worry now I feel depressed. It's hard to let go of the doom I feel for the weekend approaching. I have a work meeting tonight and I had a split thought of, wouldn't it be nice to stay at my Mom's tonight and not have to deal with all this crap today. I feel like I have perfected the "act as if" and I am so tired of it. I really want to scream from the top of a mountain "I AM THE ONLY ONE WHO GETS IT" sorry for the rant...I really need to vent, I have found this website by the grace of God...Just when I think I am free of negative thinking....it won't stop now. I hate google...wish I never saw that mugshot.....
You are really not alone People in alanon face to face meetings get it!!!. Attending a meeting when I felt as you do ,really helped me stay sane and keep the focus on myself.
Being powerless over others gave me the power of choice over my reactions and feeling. I was not going to let others action ruin my day or my life.
Please try to increase your face to face meetings if at all possible . It will help
QUOTE Attending a meeting when I felt as you do ,really helped me stay sane and keep the focus on myself.
Being powerless over others gave me the power of choice over my reactions and feeling. I was not going to let others action ruin my day or my life.Please try to increase your face to face meetings if at all possible . It will help
I totally agree......so OK.....What can you do about it???? can you change this????? can you stop him from being aroudn these people????? NO NO and NO again
So...what CAN you do??? You can get into a meeting....you can get into the steps...you can post here and read the shares here to see how alanon works.......This is about YOU....not him......\
Lets talk about what YOU can do for YOU...and lets leave husb. alone to do what hes gotta do......I get into meetings when I feel the coda crazies hit....I get out the steps....call a recovery mate.......I do what I gotta do to keep the focus on the ONLY thing I can take care of/change/ modify and that is ME
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Can you get to meetings soon? There are times I just need to sit in the serene environment that meetings bring. You don't have to do anything ex: give a gift you resent having to give. Be true to yourself and do what feels right to you, not what is expected of you. Have you read "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews or "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie, might be a great gift to get yourself. Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
You may want to consider that everyone has a past. Sometimes, a person's past intersect with the law. As far as "I have to buy this person a gift?!" just roll with it. After all, you're not giving her an organ; you're giving her a blender.
I think it is really difficult to see a person for who they are. The thing is that you don't get to make your husbands decisions for them.
I think it is perfectly legitimate to be concerned if you think that someone is using a substance. Nevertheless you are not in jail with them you can disengage at another time.
I know it is really difficult not to act out on concern, fear and trepidation. I have been there. Generally I over react to everything. I have had to learn to work out whats important. Of course it is normal to be very very concerned when you are around an alcoholic addict. The issue is that we don't get to control their drinking.
I did all kinds of really crazy things when I was living with an alcoholic. I can certain be very very apprehensive when I am around people who are using substances. One of the tools we learn in al anon is to have a plan b. We can learn to have an out. If we go somewhere and people are drinking and we are apprehensive we learn how to exit gracefully. None of this comes overnight. None of it is seamless. All of us want the other person to recover on our schedule and we don't get to have that.
What we do get is to have a way of handling, coping which doesn't mean over reacting. That takes practice, persistence and certainly lots of feelings of frustration. You are right on track with that. Of course none of this is easy, none of it is anything like any of us want but it is a way to live and not be swallowed whole by living around an alcoholic.
I love Tiger's response. It addresses responsibility for self...You hate Google and what you found out and then that was a fulfilled expectation...you went looking for it. I use to do that all the time and after I learned to be responsible for the consequences of my choices my sponsor taught me how to say, "There...I got myself good that time". I hated being where you are at. I hated acknowledging that "the disease OWNS me" and that drove me to work the program even harder. I don't like being captured by people, places and things that out power me. If you can acknowledge that "you are powerless..." what should the outcome be if you don't do anything different? If nothing changes...nothing changes...for them...for us. Remember you're not donating an organ...you're gifting her a blender or something else. Your husband? ....powerless. He gets his own choices and his own consequences...you're not his siamese twin...you can detach. ((((Hugs))))
I am feeling better now. Didn't get to a meeting, however, I got to my work meeting. I left the kids at my Moms a little earlier so I could have some alone quiet time. I am back on track with "I can't control anything with this disease" I can control me. This couple has nothing to do with me, so why get so worked up. I can't control situations that are out of my hands..HP does that. As I sat in my car I felt ease again. Read my courage to change book and felt better. Thank you all for your ear. Sometimes that's all a girl needs! (ps, after work I took the kids for ice cream and had a fantastic time)
