The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I was on my way to meet my daughter on her way home from school. I ride my bike, my devastatingly handsome dog runs along next to me and says hello to everyone we pass, and people smile and wave and make nice comments ("goodness what a lovely dog!), because he really is.
So we rode past the house that one of my daughter's friends used to live in, except she doesn't anymore because her mum took the kids and left her A a few months back. He was standing in his yard and he gave us a wave on the way past. He looked sad and lonely and lost.
I caught myself thinking "I wonder if that's what HE will be like if and when I leave? I wonder if he will be lonely and lost?" and it dawned on me that it was the first time I'd thought of him- at all- all day. Almost as if I'd forgotten he existed. It's a really strange feeling, one that I've had a few times lately.
Before, I was just obsessed. Every day began with a fight and the rest of the day was spent being miserable, chewing it over, feeling scared and sad and angry, there really wasn't ever an enjoyable or happy moment. It was all just about him-playing and replaying scenarios trying to work out how to control; and manipulate each situation into a state where he would be sorry and I would be right. Wow, that's an awful thing to admit, but it's the sad truth. Happiness for me was when he was really sorry and doing his best to "make it up to me". Yuk.
Instead, today, I studied, and made phone-calls to sort out various things (for myself- a long over-due dentist appointment among other things) and I was quite content. And to be honest, I felt a bit uncomfortable and unhappy when I "remembered" him. I've been feeling that way a lot lately, whether he's trying to be affectionate, or trying to start a fight, or babbling drunkenly at me- I feel so disconnected and uninterested. Have I fallen out of love? I don't know. And I don't feel particularly sad about that, maybe just a little guilty. But he doesn't grow, or change. He just does the same things over, and over, and over. Drink, gamble, fall apart, lose a job, get a new job, drink, gamble, play computer games, blame and complain, yell and then sulk. And for 7 years I have been the one to buy into it all, and obsess over him, love him, wash his clothes and cook his food and keep a roof over his head and bail him out of his financial messes and buy him presents while he yells and abuses and complains. So I feel kinda guilty for letting him believe that I would love him endlessly no matter how awful he was to me, but I used to believe that was true. I believed I was stuck, broken, and destined to be his doormat forever. And now I'm just kinda over it, maybe.
It's liberating, if a little bitter-sweet. I feel so free!
After everything I have put myself through to stay with him (and a lot of it was very, very bad physical and emotional abuse, lets not sugar-coat it), I have to at very least say that there cannot be a future for us unless he has some sort of awakening and gets into recovery. Which is about as likely as ..well, something unlikely. So I have to hang on to these feelings and nurture them instead of fearing them. It's quite alright to feel disconnected and unloving towards someone who has abused and mistreated me, even if they are being nice in the here and now! Maybe this is all part of me finally accepting that I truly can't control him or his addiction, and I cannot force this relationship to become something wonderful simply by "hanging in there" and "deserving it". Maybe it's just time to move on.
I never thought I'd see the day when that thought made me smile, just a little, but here I am. I think, maybe, finally, ready to let go and move on alone without fear.
I so so love your post and your awareness. Parts of your post was my story and I love that you are open to the changes and growth and flowing through your recovery. I love the picture you paint on your bike ride with your pooch. Great and inspirational share! Keep up the great program! Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I absolutely agree with your comment happiness was for me when he was sorry and trying to make it up to me. I relished the time when the ex A was trying to make me happy. There were pretty fleeting and rare but every now and then he would make a gesture.
I don't know that I got to a point where I could ever see a future without him. Even when I left him physically I had a huge emotional connection to him for a long long time. These days after quite a bit of time when I have had no contact with him I do not obsess about him and wonder where he is, what he is doing and think I might have some comment on what that might be. I no longer seek out information on him.
I did not get to that point overnight. I definitely took a long time to grieve. In so many ways I have grown within al anon and I can't say my life revolves around having a relationship anymore. At one time I lived, ate and slept that I had to have someone to lean on, do for, care for and be attached to. Now I do not. Disentangling myself from the ex A took a long long time. One tool that I used to disentangle myself was to make a list of all that I would need if I should decide to leave him. Making that list, which was definitely rudimentary and certainly very very basic) was a way to explore that option. I did not have to but I was considering the possibility. I had a therapist at that time which was very helpful but I also started to invest in my program in a very basic way.
I am glad you taking time every day to do things for you.
He's certainly not making it easy. In fact the more I stay detatched and don't react, the harder he seems to push for my attention. Last night he turned on the charm, being all sweet and loving and seductive. Just like he was back when we started seeing each other. And I found myself responding, hating myself for it because I've been sucked in before. But in the back of my mind, I was asking myself "if he can be sweet and attentive like this when I stop paying him attention, why I have just endured years of abuse and neglect? This isn't who he is, this is just how he hooks me back in!". And that's the truth; I KNOW that as soon as I relax and start to feel loving towards him again, Mr Charming will disappear and the other guy will come back. So I stayed, as I have resolved, friendly but detatched, lay down on the couch to read a book and he drank up big and alternated between telling me "he knows we have our problems but we will always be together" and then throwing barbs at me, trying to pick fights, and back to "I love you, we'll always be together". Not an inspiring thought under the circumstances, I have to say. Then he decided that I gave him a "look" when he poured a drink, and proceeded to drunkenly yell - "you think just because I have drunk a bottle of scotch I am drunk. Well there's a thing called alcohol tolerance you know, it doesn't affect me anymore". Blah blah blah. Of course, he is special and a whole 700ml bottle of whiskey is no different to a cup of herbal tea to him. Whatever.
And I'm thinking- wow. I'm being friendly, haven't had an unkind word for him for weeks, just lying on the couch reading a book...all I have done is not comment on his drinking or get sucked in to arguments about nonsense. So I fall asleep on the couch and when I wake up he's watching porn. Right next to me. Button officially pushed.
Tonight was a repeat of the same crap, and once again, I wake on the couch and again he's drunk and watching porn- this time ready for a fight; I didn't say anything and he launched into "I'm a grown man I'll do whatever I want, you just lie on the couch so you can spy on me" blah blah blah. I"ll look at whatever I want and if you don't like it, there's the door". Well actually I was on the couch because I nodded off reading again; its freezing cold, the only heater is in the lounge and I'm not going to go back to hiding in my bedroom all the time. So somehow, super-human effort, (and it took all of my strength, I'll tell you) I didn't engage. I got on my computer and spent some time in the chat room here (just missed the meeting) and engaged with people on more useful topics and tried to silence the hurt feelings. (he went through a stage of almost 2 years where he watched porn relentlessly and wouldn't touch me at all so it triggers some pretty big rejection issues). And I re-considered the concept of "powerless". He's right, he is a grown man, and he can do whatever he wants. Right now he wants to push my buttons as hard as he can because he's not getting the same reactions from me that he used to.
But guess what? I'm a grown woman and I can do what I want, too! And what I want is to NEVER feel like a victim again, never feel at the mercy of someone else's addictions or anger, not feel rejected or betrayed or unlovable or hopeless. I want to keep feeling the way I have been since i started this journey- empowered and in control and capable of feeling happy. So that's why I am saying nothing and will continue to say nothing. Because getting upset about what he does (be it drink or gamble or watch porn or lie or rage or say nasty things or whatever) does not serve my own recovery. And, as I have just recently learned, happiness comes from my own peace of mind, not from fleeting moments of "success', when I have managed to tame this damaged, angry man for a short time, and convinced him to put his arms around me and "make me feel loved". That's not happiness, it's avoidance.
Also, I looked up f2f meetings, I didn't think there would be one in my tiny little town but there is! Just around the corner, on a Wednesday at lunch-time when he is at work and my daughter is at school! So I'll go, no need to make arrangements for child-care! Even if it's a good day and he hasn't been a drunken maniac the night before (it's so easy to take a day or 2 of normal and decide there was never a problem in the first place).
Onward!!!!
-- Edited by Melly1248 on Saturday 10th of August 2013 02:38:52 PM
Maresie, I might make a list like that too. They can be powerful!
Back when I first decided that I wanted to get out of this nightmare I was creating for myself, a friend with lots of experience in recovery adapted a kind of step-program (still in progress) and the first thing he had me do was list 20 things about my life that were unbearable because of my choice to remain with an abusive addict, and then 10 things that I have tried to do to "moderate/control/fix" the situation. I took it seriously and spent 2 long nights on the lists and wow did I cry when I looked back on just how awful it had been, and how many times I had been through the same cycles over and over. Right now he sees me pulling away and he's doing everything he can to get an emotional reaction from me. Yep, I can see that on my list- I've been here a few times before! He's paying me LOTS of attention, making a lot of promises, showing me his hurt feelings and letting me know how messed up he will be without me...sure. We've done this already. It comes right before a "dry drunk" stage, where he demands every moment of my attention and care because he is "trying" and "see how hard I am sacrificing for you? You owe me the world!" and once I am hooked back into being his loving support, BANG back comes the psycho abuser before I even know what hit me. And it will all be my fault, because I didn't support him well enough when he was "trying". (Support means staying up all night, neglecting myself and my child, my work and study and devoting every second to entertaining him).
Ugh. No more.
Glad you've found a meeting and glad you are trying to go on-line with our meetings. My experience has been that without the help of others in recovery, I can get sucked right back into the drama in a heartbeat. The disease's affect on us is as cunning, baffling and powerful as it is for our As.
Good you've reached the "done" stage of all this. Glad you're going to enter the healing stage of it. Much support for you. Weekends were sometimes the worse times for me.
Mine would proclaim loudly and often every night how he loved me, no wife, you don't understand, I REALLY love you. And then we'd have these insane episodes. After his last storming out swearing he was done with me and my craziness, I found Al-Anon and started to think & breathe - one of the thinks revolved around the use of "Love" as a weapon and what the word really means.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
