The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've had some time to process since my Tuesday appointment this week left me in a strange emotional place.
2 weeks ago on Saturday evening my AH acted like an A, and while I've learned to drop the rope, and the conversation ended fairly quickly I was still left frustrated by what had been said, and the apology the next morning left me wondering how do I keep doing this? I've been at my meetings, I stop by the board, and I pray A LOT! The past 2 months have been difficult and I finally felt like I needed to reach out for more help.
I did a search, sent an email, made a phone call and this past Tuesday had an appointment with a counselor located near my office. I went during lunch. In the week leading up to the appointment I wrote down the items that I want to address and work through so I would be able to articulate what I hope to achieve. I pulled up the documentation so I could effectively share what the past 2 years have looked like.
When I got married in June 2011 the world turned upside down as I realized that this person I was married to was not very nice. In preparation for my Tuesday appointment I went back through my documentation of the past 2 years. It was hard to see all of it again. In fact as I read back over the accumulation of stories I was definitely struck by the fact that it has been a story that if I read it for someone else my question would be why in the world do you stay?
I got to Al-Anon end of October/early November 2011. I found this board first, and everyone encouraged me to get to a face to face meeting, which I am so thankful that I did. In February 2012 I got a sponsor and she has been wonderful!
I was not going to say anything to my AH about my plans. He asked Monday night why I left so early and I explained that I had to make up time for an appointment the next day. He asked what kind of appointment and I explained that I was going to talk to someone. To which he asked if I was leaving him, that he doesn't want to lose me, and he apologized for being a bad husband and so difficult to live with.
From what I have been told wife #2 left after talking to a counselor but to be completely honest if she was experiencing the kind of person that I knew for the first 6 weeks I understand why she left. But that leaves me in a position of simply telling him no, I am going for me in order to be able to better process things.
When I told him that I was going to a face to face Al-Anon meeting the response was "well that deserves a drink" so I consider Monday's reaction progress.
After talking to the counselor she asked me to visit a website called mosaicthread which I wasn't expecting to see the type of survey but after answering the questions I realized that 2 years ago I was much more at risk then I am now. I learned through working my program how to handle someone who is at times verbally abusive. It's not acceptable, and I when it starts if it does not stop I leave. Had I not found Al-Anon and learned how to establish boundaries I know I would not have been able to stay. I stay because for me for now this is the choice that I make because it's what I feel is the right choice for me.
Looking at the details, taking that survey, the conversation during the time with the counselor, left me seriously looking at my choices and decisions and I prayed, and prayed and prayed. I don't know what the future holds. I will be going back for the next few weeks and learning how to process so that as I move forward I have the ability to take care of me the best way that I can. I also finally started on Step 4, I've only been procrastinating on that one for a year but this morning I finally started! Progress, not perfection!
Awesome for you that you are delving into the hard stuff in the name of growth. You are working a good program and have your mind set on your recovery, keep up the great work! Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Aloha Jackie and great to have you back....good work. It's all learning so that you/we can make better choices for ourselves after we find out we've made a mistake. My early sponsorship told me clearly..."in doing your inventory...when you find out you've made a mistake, it is your responsibility to go back and correct it". I did that because see that is true and necessary. Everyone makes mistakes and I've made some beauts. My first marriage was to an addict and 9years and 4 kids later I had to walk or take my own life faster than I was letting others take it. More mistakes and then another marriage (mistake) and I married an alcoholic/addict (progressive disease) and then got into Al-Anon. Some of the things that kept me in the problem and my feet to the fire was the loyalty I put into the promises I made in the process...marriage promises and family promises which history pronounced over and over were sacred however alcoholism and alcoholic was never mentioned during the process and no one came forward with definitions and ESH about what it was like. Also the institutions that participated had absolutely no idea how to help or support like Al-Anon does and I didn't know about alcoholism or Al-Anon. Break it off became a reasonable solution in time along with kill myself...I took break it off after a failed attempt at the other and my life changed. When I found my early sponsor and before he was a sponsor I was told "You have to move away from all things alcohol" and I did and that included my alcoholic/addict wife my families of origin and my eldest son. Saved my life and I have never ever found in the agreement to co-habit with my addicted wives that "till death do us part" mean't except when that is un-necessary and un-avoidable..
I hope some of my ESH is supportive. Keep coming back (((((Hugs)))))
