The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Every year AH qualifies for a sales incentive trip. Last year I didn't go with him on his trip to Costa Rica, this year I've turned down the trip to St Thomas. He is taking it quite personally this time around and thinks that I'm embarrassing him by not going. On last year's trip he apparently got plastered and embarrassed himself and a few of the wives complained to the president of the company. His boss told AH that he was the talk of the office and that some folks were offended by his behavior. And, he wonders why I don't want to go this year? I'm sure the rumors will be flying as fast as the free drinks.
Anyway, I am feeling a bit of guilt. I know I have to be true to myself but I just hate that he holds me responsible for his embarrassment. I know I have to turn it over to God. I know that 'for today' I am married, but it doesn't mean that I have to put myself in a position where I am not going to be comfortable. Ok, I think I just needed to vent, LOL!
Two kinds of guilt - realistic and unrealistic. Is this unrealistic guilt - the kind where you've done nothing wrong, but feel guilty anyway? It'll burn off and he'll still make you the responsible one for his feeling embarrassed. If you don't want to go, you don't want to go. Good for you! You've listened to yourself and you're standing for yourself! He'll drink either way.
Does he want you there to be the responsible one and keep him from embarrassing himself? Mine has admitted as much to me; last new years eve we were meant to go out together but he got drunk early and crashed the neighbours party instead, then came home and told me he needed me to go back to the party with him "so they won't notice how drunk I am". I respectfully declined... I wonder if that's the true reason he wants you to go?
Yes, Melly, I think that is part of it. He has made mention to the fact that my presence helps him NOT drink and he has referenced this at home, as well. He doesn't drink around me or our son so he sees us as a control factor. He thinks I'm trying to take the trip away from him. But, really, I just don't want to spend 5 days with him especially in the same bed. He's going to expect things that I'm not sure I'm ready to give and I just don't want to be miserable. My serenity is worth so much more.
Don't feel guilty or sad about it. You have to take care of you my friend. My partner isn't even a A and I wouldn't dare go anywhere for that length of time where I couldn't get away. I won't be put in that position to have to defend, cringe or walk away from something embarrassing. You just can't trust someone when there has been so so many bad happenings when in their company.
Vent away....it helps so much because we understand
(((( hugs ))))
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
ILD, if I were in your shoes, I would have made the same decision. I *hate* that "you help me not drink" talk almost as much as the "it's your fault I drink" talk. It's the same result: they are not taking responsibility for their own choices.
The ex A took it very personally when I did not go to his mothers for every single holiday. I did not learn how to detach and not make a case of it. Now when I turn things down I have to learn to let go. When things happen in my life I may over react on them (I did this week) but I learn how to let go and detach very quickly.
What every your husband thinks is his business. People get to have their own opinion. I run across people every day who because of their substance abuse have pretty out there thinking. Now I can just look at their thinking and not want to change them. Certainly my reactions and actions towards them take into account their thinking.
Of course detaching from a husband is very very difficult. It is pretty normal to be embarrassed and horrified by an alcoholics actions. I certainly have been. I had to learn where I stopped and they ended. Whatever someone else does is no longer a reflection on me.
