The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My AH has been given privileges in his first week of rehab. He has snuck a phone call to me at 6:30AM. And His counselor let him call me today. Primarily because he was not able (no real idea why) to get online access to our scottrade account. I assume that online access was special too.
I was shocked to hear his voice this morning, and he mostly sounded a bit mad or in a bad mood this morning. I don't look forward to talking to him honestly. Our conversation this afternoon was me trying to explain to him how I feel controlled, that I feel like I can't have friends, that it (even now that I am gone) catch myself thinking how fun it would be to hang out with this person or that person, but I feel like I can't...Now, he never "forbade" me from hanging out, more like manipulated me into hanging out with him...or guilty for not wanting to hang out with him. I even question whether this was as much MY problem as it was his problem.. (there is that self doubt again). I had convinced myself that it wasn't worth trying..or I was so disappointed in my life that I didn't want to make the effor to make friends. Or I was afraid that I would be embarrassed at how he treated me like a child.
He says that as a huband he has the right to know who I hang out with. I told him that I have never met an adult woman who has to ask her husbands permission to have a friend. for example if I want to just go out for coffee. I just couldn't ever see that happening. I can't just see me saying hey honey, I met the great lady..we are going for coffee later, adn that be the end of it. I can't imaging it just ending there, with me going on my way. There would be a bigger discussion. (this is all hypothetical). So how do I know this isn't in my head?
even now, while he is in rehab he has already decided to cancel his AMEX (cause of the fee) so that I will put him back on our joint one (it is in my name and I changed the password so he couldn't see where I bought groceries) and so I could flipping buy what I wanted without feeling guilty. I mean, he has bought what he wanted for years ($5000 a month)
He told me that I should be helping him. He told me that it seems like I am just blaming blaming blaming him. (I can't say I *wasn't* but it was more like you made me feel crappy...) He told me that i have no willingness to work to help him. He wants me to stop thinking about the past.
He says that I change my story. that these last 6 weeks I am completely changed. (maybe so).. I probably do (change my story) because I think I was living in la la land lying to myself to allow myself to be "happy", that I would sort of lie to myself and then lie to him to say what he wanted to hear. For example Sure, I want to be a homebody..cook and bake and have a family. But does that mean that I don't want to have friends, or never leave the house except to go to work - NO. I allowed myself to believe that he was the only thing that mattered to me in the world.. But I realize that is unhealthy. That is the best way to put it. (that was a little breakthrough for me...that it is not healthy to let him be the center of my life) go me.
Family day is day after tomorrow..ICK! This is incredibly exhausting. At least we will be able to meet with the therapist together. She can also see me privately (Which I really really want).
When I spoke to her about family day she confirmed alot of my feelings (that he was in denial), and did give me hope that the things we had just spoken about could be fixed in counseling.
Is is fair to say that right now I am not sure that I want to stay married to him, but that I am very sure that I don't want to give up. Does that mean this marriage is doomed? I mean I did love him..to much..so much that I sacrificed my "self".
Wow, he is really taking your inventory, telling you how life is going to be and how you must feel. Tell him the financial arrangements dont have to change just bc he says so. And you dont have to lift a finger to help him.
I used to say "it's a selfish program" bc I knew that is what they were telling him in meetings about aa. I just carried it over to alanon. If he can use that excuse, so can I.
maybe you could not answer when he calls? Give yourself a break. He sounds very self centered and selfish.
I would say be honest and focus on you. Don't let him play head games with you. It always shocks me how demanding and insulting and insensitive alcoholics and addicts can be from rehab when it comes to their families. They scream about what they need from you to get sober when it has nothing to do with you. He is fresh in rehab. Most of what is coming from his mouth is garbage. Also..to be honest, fixing the marriage really takes a back seat to him needing to develop and work a program of sobriety on his own. He doesn't want to step up to that plate and is scared so you are getting manipulated to buffer his fears and stop him from focusing on the most frightening thing: himself.
And your recovery takes a front seat. Your recovery work in al anon will help you sort through all of this...in support. This took time to become the mess it is and will take time to clear.
Wow, he is really taking your inventory, telling you how life is going to be and how you must feel. Tell him the financial arrangements dont have to change just bc he says so. And you dont have to lift a finger to help him.
I used to say "it's a selfish program" bc I knew that is what they were telling him in meetings about aa. I just carried it over to alanon. If he can use that excuse, so can I.
maybe you could not answer when he calls? Give yourself a break. He sounds very self centered and selfish.
I cannot add to this....THIS post says it all...He is already dictating, how things are gonna be.....SO....what are you gonna do for you???? I would #1, let him to his own devices and either he reached out and gets help or not, NOT your problem....NOT your control....NOT in your arena.....
So...I would get into a lot of alanon meets, get a sponsor, work the steps, work on YOU...this is for YOU....He has to take care of his own stuff.....AND I would keep the finances separate.....Hang onto your credit....I would also not take his calls if he is nasty....I would not engage in any debates w/him...Boundaries are set within and they are for you........If you want to "hang out" then DO IT....If you want to shop groceries???? DO it......
He is in "control and manipulation" mode right now b/c he is afraid, I am sure...agian NOT your problem...Alanon is for you....about you....to help you......its like you gotta just detach from him and live your own life w/alanon.....hate to say it that way, but unless he gets working in AA really intense and STAYS sober and working for maybe 5 years or so, maybe you guys have a shot....but w/out AA there is NO chance for this relationship......Just saying it like it is.......take care of YOU
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Far too early in his recovery right now to expect any kind of closure or reasonable discussion with him in regards to difficulties in your relationship.
Hope you are getting to face-to-face Al-Anon meetings. They're real helpful. I know they've shown me I have options as to whether or not I feel I need to participate in these kind of discussions with someone who is not healthy. Many times I found I didn't have to at all. I could simply say, "I love you, honey. I hope you feel better." and leave it at that.
I dont think that is the objective right now. He is discussing trivia, maybe because he feels off balance and wants to assert
he has it all under control. I don't know what his motives are. I think he just wants to talk to talk.
Anyway, its still too early, (I agree with aloha,) to see if the marriage is going to work. The A is in rehab and should continue with his recovery and you should continue with yours. Its not about the therapist having a judgement about the Alcoholic. I dont think you need a therapist telling you he is in denial, that's not big news. Isnt that a symptom of the disease. A well known fact.
The X A was in rehab many times and was not allowed to make phone calls home and when he was he was monitored and couldnt talk that long and get into heavy issues.
I would just take care of YOU and let him ramble and rant and say what he has to say to his therapist.
No matter what your decision is about your marriage, you still have to attend Alanon and attend to your life. Because getting rid of the alcoholic in you life does get rid of a lot of grief, but not all of it.
