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So my ex got out of the hospital/psych unit last week.
Tonight daughter and I stopped the hotel so he could give me school supply money for daughter and she wanted to see his "apartment" ( he has been at an extended stay hotel for a month). Of course I immediately notice he had drank today despite knowing we were stopping by and I get mad. I didn't confront him. I was just quiet and wouldn't look at him. We were only there for about 15 minutes because the tension was too much for both of us.
Soon as I leave he begs me to call him when I get home. He needs to tell me something and he is scared. I tell him to call his mom as I am not going through all the suicidal stuff with him again. He tells me that its something that she already knows and he thinks I need to know. So I call.
He tells me that its now to the point that he MUST drink daily because he has the shakes. That he has been in daily contact with the rehab place and is on the wait list for a bed. That he expects to get in within a week or two.
To be honest I am unaffected by the news of the shakes or rehab. I'm just without feeling. Not scared about the shakes. Not excited about rehab...ok I will be relieved if he gets in. But right now I just don't even have a feeling. It's odd.
I'm not sure if its progress that I'm not all upset about the shakes or if its a bad thing... Like maybe I've just shutdown?
Yes I understand what it means, that if he detoxes without medical help it could be very bad. But I have no control over that.
He can also call AA and ask for help there. Keep working your program. We sometimes do reach a point for us where enough is enough and we realize there is little for us to do but pray and point them to the help that their HP and AA offers to them if they want it. Then, we do what is in our power to do for ourselves. Feels selfish to some degree, but is necessary after all the battering, threats, manipulations and horrendous happenings that we experience in relationship to this disease.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Wednesday 7th of August 2013 08:49:04 AM
He doesn't have to drink until he gets into a rehab. Most hospitals have detox centers they can send them to. My son has been many times. My son now has progressed to seizures and that is not a good thing for him alone.
Like you said you don't have any control over him but you do have control over you. Working a program ( Al-anon rehab) will be when you can get some peace and understanding what your both going through.
Take care of you my friend...
Let go Let God
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
QUOTE......He tells me that its now to the point that he MUST drink daily because he has the shakes. That he has been in daily contact with the rehab place and is on the wait list for a bed. That he expects to get in within a week or two.
If this were me hearing this news, I would just tell him to do what he has to do....detach....work my program and LET IT/HIM GO.....You cannot do anything about it....I see you accept this reading your post....Now its time to get to work on you.....sometimes that final straw that breaks the camel's back, ya never know which one it is, but its almost a relief when it does b/c inside you just "let go" and you become free to take care of you and let him and his problems GO...they aren not your burden.....
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
That numbing feeling, is your body/brain protecting you from any more hurt. You've been beat up emotionally to the point your body has blocked out the ability to feel as it can't take any more hurt. The problem is it's blocked out happiness to.
You are going to have to teach yourself to feel again. It's a feeling I know all to well. You know what though? It's totally normal in this situation :)
He doesn't have to drink until he gets into a rehab. Most hospitals have detox centers they can send them to. My son has been many times. My son now has progressed to seizures and that is not a good thing for him alone.
Like you said you don't have any control over him but you do have control over you. Working a program ( Al-anon rehab) will be when you can get some peace and understanding what your both going through.
Take care of you my friend...
Let go Let God
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He was just at the hospital last week for suicide watch. I think he was there for 3 days. So obviously he didnt drink then, I don't know if they gave him medication to detox or how it worked. But he went right back to drinking when he got out.
I have accepted long ago that I have no control over his drinking. I have continued to be a support to him. But here very recently I have been in less and less contact with him. He knows what he needs to do and only he can decide to do it. For my sanity I need to step back and let/make him make those choices on his own (not because someone encouraged him or gave him consequences).
He keeps saying that he never thought he would be where he is (basically homeless, living in a hotel), to be honest it should've happened years ago..... Hind sight is 20/20, lol! But I took on the burden for over 10 years and his mom refused to see things for what they were. So when I got fed up he went to live with her. It took two years of that for his mom to reach her limit. She never would've acknowledged how bad it was had she not lived it daily. So finally his support system is done enabling him all at the same time and its a shock to him.
That numbing feeling, is your body/brain protecting you from any more hurt. You've been beat up emotionally to the point your body has blocked out the ability to feel as it can't take any more hurt. The problem is it's blocked out happiness to.
You are going to have to teach yourself to feel again. It's a feeling I know all to well. You know what though? It's totally normal in this situation :)
You're doing great. Keep it up
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To an extent yes. Years ago I had to go on anxiety medication due to dealing with his alcoholism. My dr and the therapist both told us (ex and I) that my body had used up my coping skills. That basically when stressed I would overact to every little thing. I have come a long way with my anxiety and knowing my triggers and how to deal with them.
But my reaction or lack thereof to the latest news, I think is because twice since Father's Day he has been taken to hospital,on suicide watch. I had basically came to the acceptance that he was going to die (either suicide or drink himself to death) and that if that was his choice there isn't much I can do about it. While that sounds heartless, what I mean is that I can not babysit him 24/7. I have to be the responsible parent, the sane parent, the parent that keeps a job, ins, a roof and necessities provided. That my kids have to be my #1 priority. I had to accept that whatever his choices are they were his to make because he has the support system there but continues to chose to drink.
So with the news of him having the shakes now, it's just another step in his progression to me. I hate it but I can't do anything about it. He knows what he needs to do and it's up to him to do it. Any of us are willing to take,him to AA etc but can't force him. About him trying to get into rehab.... Well first of all who knows if that's true, I hope it is. But then he has been so many times before. Always because he was forced either by court or by other people telling him that if he didnt he would lose his job or wouldn't have a place to live etc. so I don't know if he is going because WANTS to go or feels like he doesn't have another choice ( again his job has him on probation and he lives at a hotel and hates it and told me that if he goes to rehab he thinks his mom will let him live at her house again). And honestly I think he is so depressed over his living situation that rehab almost sounds like going to a spa (he knows he will be fed and have a place to sleep). So I don't know honestly what his reasons are for trying to get into rehab, I HOPE this time it's for the right reasons for a change... Time will tell.
I think you just get use to stuff at some point and you realize that reacting to an extreme of crying and hysterics etc does no good and you just have to accept things for what they are and be neutral about it.
Hugs to you. I have been where you are, I think most of us have been. I do have to agree with the ESH you have already received. I Believe that when your body and mind have taken on too much stress, emotions shut down as a coping mechanism to protect you. You are correct, you can not help him. Only he can do that, only he is responsible for his actions. Work on getting yourself well and being there for your kids. He can only manipulate you or try to assert himself on you, if you allow it. It all takes time and work. Use this program, slogans, and books to help. They all work....
