Me~ Self righteous? - Al-Anon Family Group

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

Me~ Self righteous?

John · ~*Service Worker*~

Self righteousness, tends to be so self wrongfulness. Keep in mind that this disease, no matter which end of the spectrum you come in on it... is about separation. If I am superior, I am separating myself from others. If I am inferior, I am separating myself from others. Being judgmental instead of compassionate or having empathy separates. Ever notice how those that drive much faster than you are maniac's and those that drive much slower than you are idiots? Separating ourselves out, with either superiority or inferiority keeps us in a place of disharmony, both externally and internally.

Sometimes I have to remember that a child is being born today and brought into this disease by no fault of their own. I have to remind myself that what I am seeing might be one of those children. And I have to remember that the very best thing I can do for either myself or them is pray in their behalf for freedom from the hell they were born into. Otherwise my judgmental stuff kicks in and I think they all should simply be shot and put out of MY misery. LMAO!

My personal experience is that if I allow myself to become the enemy, I will be treated as such, and if I allow myself to become a friend and act as such, I'll be treated as such. Which do you think these kids are going to respect most?

John

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I am looking at one of my character defects and am still trying to put into action handing it over. I come from addict/alcoholic parents and I am so proud that I did not follow suit. My brother drank growing up and I cleaned up after him and of course I grew up and married an A. I have now been divorced from exAH 2 years and I still find myself being so self righteous toward A's, I can hardly stand to be around them and living in the section 8 low income apartments I live in I am surrounded. It is making my life stressful, I am on a one month break from school and with that time off I am seeing high school kids around here drink and smoke on the side of my apartment and it is pissing me off royally. Before I had a puppy and had to take it potty so much I wasn't over there as much either, but now I am aware and have talked to the property manager about it, which he says call the cops if I see them underage drinking or smoking pot, but that would be a lot of calls. I have called late at night when they have interrupted my sleep or when a fight broke out, but I just don't have the time or energy to be that neighbor and one girl stood outside my apartment last night giving me dirty looks through my back screen porch and it worries me what kind of people are coming around here. I am worried for my 15 year old daughter who has to go to the high school with these kids and I am the one that reports them and is trying to clean up my hood, I know some of the kids that live here sell pot. I might have an option to move to a different building where an older age group live, but I fear my kids and animals and just noise factor may disturb the senior side and we would be further from the playground and younger kids that my 5 year old loves to play with. I feel like I want to take a stand here in my hood, but not at my serenity or my kids safety. I know I can be self righteous and feel so above it all after growing up with it and coming out the other side. I have to live here until I finish school, I can't afford to move to more expensive housing. I find myself regressing and judging these kids who are growing up in it and I am having a very hard time finding a loving and compassionate heart towards them. I do not like how I am feeling and I am lacking empathy which I usually have high amounts of. I know when I left AH I would still be around it a bit, but I feel immersed in my apartment building and now have too much time and am seeing it more with our frequent puppy walks and it has me angry.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear Breakingfree: My prayers are with you as you determine the next best thing for you to do. This is certainly one of those circumstances that make our skin crawl. I agree, you alone, are too vulnerable to deal with this on your own. One sentence really stood out for me in your share: "I have to live here until I finish school." My experience with my HP has been this: If S/He led me to it, S/He will bring me through it. If S/He hasn't led me to it, I keep my eyes and ears and heart open for guidance and direction out of the situation I find myself in at the time. I'm sure others will have ideas and suggestions and wisdom to share with you. Just want to reach out to you and share my own E/S/H. I also lived in lower income project. God moved me out of it sooner than later. Until then, I hung out with as many healthy people and friends as I could.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks grateful2be, I do have lots of healthy friends that live outside of my apartment complex and I do see them regularly and I have meetings and a sponsor, I am fighting myself here because I want my kids to live in a nice clean place, but with al-anon I have learned I can not change others. I am trying to figure out the balance here of do I fight and make myself a target or do I bow down and live and let live in my own backyard. The next two years here will be hard if drugs and alcohol are constantly right out my backyard and I feel like I need to take a stand on my property and at least run them out of my area, but I worry for my kids to what extent I will be making them targets. Just need ESH here to help me decide what al-anon tools I need to use, Lord knows I can put up a fight, but I am grown up and want results not drama. Thanks all ahead of time!

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Whenever I've tried to "fight" anything alone - nothing changed. Is there a group of people there who are also concerned about this that the management can co-ordinate with you? It is management's responsibility to oversee the quality of life for its residents. Where I work, landlords are required to evict those who are doing nothing but breaking the law. What is management doing to handle these things? If nothing, would they be willing to form a group of tenants who will stick together? Can you form a neighborhood watch program?

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

I wouldn't say you were self righteous.....maybe concern/upset about your sanity, safety and health for you and your children. They say distance and detach yourself from the A....get away, but you can't really do that right now can you? You have to live with it. Your seeing it as a sad situation what these children are living with and doing at a so very young age. Your seeing how much you need to distance yourself so you don't get caught up or your children don't get caught up in it.

((( hugs ))))

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

I know I can be self righteous and feel so above it all after growing up with it and coming out the other side. I have to live here until I finish school, I can't afford to move to more expensive housing. I find myself regressing and judging these kids who are growing up in it and I am having a very hard time finding a loving and compassionate heart towards them. I do not like how I am feeling and I am lacking empathy which I usually have high amounts of.BREAKING FREE

I dont 'see this as self righteous, but you are alone...concerned....want a clean life for your kids and its OK to see something wrong and call it WRONG.....I see it as awareness and accepting the facts as they are.......I sure hope you can change places, b/c the stuff that goes on there is kinda scary......be careful...I think living alone like you are , you gotta be careful.....I think I wold detach.....strive towards moving to a better place when you can.....take care

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks all, I do have a neighbor who is also a single Mom and she and I do run the kids off from time to time, the manager has left the parents notes about getting kicked out if this keep up, but the manager doesn't live here. Most the kids do not live here, but they come here because of three teenagers that live right next to me and they can sit out front of their Moms apartments and drink and smoke without consequences. I am trying to get more neighbors involved and we have all stood out there and made our stand and presence known, I just want to know how far I should take this thing, and if I am trying to control, be self righteous or am sticking up for myself. It can be a fine line and I don't want to be on the other side of it, which I have a history of before al-anon.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

Great perspective likemyheart, I used to be more that way and need to get it back, thanks for the reminder. I need to be the light in the darkness and show love not judgment. I am glad I posted this, just needed reminded who I strive to be especially in the heat of it.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I just see a Mom trying to keep her kids and herself safe. I don't see you as being self-righteous as much as I see you doing the best you can within the circumstances of your existence. I guess if I saw underage kids drinking and smoking outside my apartment complex, I'd call police since parents seem to be disengaged from it all. If I felt as strongly about this as you do, I would continue to go as far as I could without endangering my kids and myself.

If I had the time and energy, I'd set up something for kids to do with management's help a day or two a week with parents from the apartment building that I trusted. I wouldn't allow any kids to come to it without talking with their parents and letting them know what the expectations for behavior would be and the consequences and see if we're a match. If I didn't have the time or energy, but knew that there was a community building that was under-utilized, I'd contact local churches after talking it over with management to see if they were willing to set up an after school, evening or weekend program for kids at my apartment building. Even if management doesn't live there, they are still responsible for the quality of life there together with the residents. Maybe they'd be willing to help residents create structured programs and activities for the young people.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

(((((BF))))) Often times solutions come from different perspectives and mindsets. When I use to be in your situation, somewhat, I inventoried me and asked myself what was the cause of my problem. Self-righteousness? everyone has that and often it come from belief and loyalty to our value systems. We don't sell out our value systems. On the other hand what I found out that triggered my reactions was fear...plain old everyday common 1 buck a ton fear and I had to loose fear or it and not them would do me in. I with the direction and support of my sponsorship worked on the "opposites" of my negative feelins and what I found and they encouraged into changing the things I can was that the opposite of fear was love. When I came to love those people that scared me I then could give them stuff I wasn't giving before...compassion and empathy and not pity. Humility..I learned to listen to them and to respond with my own ESH. When I stopped being afraid of it they stopped being afraid of me! No I didn't support their drinking, using and poor value system behaviors and I could touch them and smile with them and move on. Maybe your home group would want to start an Alateen group at your complex? Just thinking...mostly those kids are affected by someone elses drinking and using also. You think? Inventories are sooo helpful. (((((hugs))))) smile

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I love the ESH I am feeling superior and separating myself here. I am feeling fearful for my children and I living here that brings out my inner victim. I want to protect my children from having things happen to them that I have survived and out comes the ugly monster within me. I started out much friendlier with these kids and need to work to get back there. I am really having my eyes opened more here and love it, thanks MIP family!

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

I like what Likemyheart said and I take a similar approach to most people, even if they are teens experimenting with alcohol and cigs. My son acts nervous around people with piercings and tattoos and I try to remind him that they are still human and deserve love. One thing I struggle with is trying to protect my kid( like you) from criminal behavior yet also being compassionate towards them. I guess if it were me, I'd probably be leery of them if they were acting out or behaving badly or being aggressive, etc. But, if they were just doing their thing and drinking and smoking, I'd probably do what LMH said: bring them cookies, let them play with the puppy, introduce myself to them, etc.

We made friends with a kid at our park(probably around 19) who walks his dog on his skateboard. He lit up a cigarette one day and my son wasn't too fond of that but I didn't let that stop me from conversing with him. He seemed a bit shady and gets a bit loud when he's down there with his friends who also smoke and tear up the park sometimes, based on my own self righteous judgements but I started talking to this young man and let my dog play with his dog. Anyway, I ran into him at the grocery store the other day and he was SOOOO friendly. Asked about the dog, told me about his trip to Romania to visit his grandparents, etc. If I hadn't reached out to him to talk to him, he'd just be another punk kid in the neighborhood. Yet, he actually is nice and outgoing and, quite frankly, I'd trust him with my dog any day.

Another incident we had was when we were flying from Denver to Phoenix. My son sat in the window, I was in the middle, and a young man(again probably around 19) sat in the open seat next to me. He was covered in tattoos with skulls and crossbones, devils, he had face piercings, etc. Basically, he looked like a scary dude. He pulled out a notebook where he had some drawings and started to finish his art piece. It was all about hell and the devil and it had foul language on it, etc but I said, "Wow, you are a really good artist. Did you design your tattoos too?" He was surprised I spoke with him and he opened up about his tattoos and how his right arm has his grandmother's birthday on it and the left is dedicated to his grandfather. He told me he was staying with his aunt in CO but she kicked him out and put him on a plane back to Phoenix and that when he got there he was going to be homeless. I didn't offer him anything but my sympathies and told him that God cared about him and that I'm sure he will find his way. He was just another lost soul, and really, aren't we all?

Melly1248 · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm pretty new here so I'm hesitant to weigh in but I really feel your experience- I'm a (more or less) single mum trying to to study and make a better life too, and to be honest sometimes I think I should just throw in the towel and get a full-time job in a supermarket or something, just so I can provide a slightly safer, more stable and all-around nicer environment for my child, so that she doesn't turn out "like me".
I don't think having ideals and desires is being "superior" or "separating yourself". You've chosen something better for yourself and your children and you are trying to achieve it! That's amazing!
Working to get back down to being on a level with your environment- sort of makes me think of how hard I have tried to compromise and co-exist with dysfunction. Those kids in your neighbourhood need guidance and help- yes, but are you really the person that needs to provide it? Isn't part of this recovery un-learning to be a rescuer? Teaching yourself and your kids to put on their own oxygen mask first so that they are in a position to help others?

Sorry if that's off-base. It just sounds like you are taking an awful lot on your shoulders.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks Melly1248 and I love dogs, you both have expanded my brain on this and although I do want to love each and every person that I come in contact with, yes I do and will have the desire to protect and safeguard myself and my children first. I do have very little left just for us and am not trying to save the world just yet, maybe when I get out of school, when I am not so tied up financially and time wise. I do however want to be a good role model and not a stuck up jerk for these young people. I have a lot on my plate and with all that I am juggling I am not trying to enable or take on these kids, but I can try harder and be more open to them. I am open to being the best, healthiest, serenest and loving person I can be. I come from a probably similar childhood and don't want to add to the negative experiences they have already had. I am working very hard to raise my children and get up and out of this life style, but I don't want to do it while making others feel less than. I am glad I opened up about this, because as much as I can be judgmental I want to be loving even more so, especially with the unloving childhood I had. Thanks for this ESH MIP family!

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Ok you know me, I say what I feel.

I have not liked this place from what you have shared from the beginning. Only you know your options however. Craigslist has a lot of postings and also shared things.

You might think about sharing a home with another single parent or? I invite you to look at your options.

Am telling you right now, you have put yourself into an even more dangerous situation. Many kids now are going to take your being nice, as being weak.They are not in their right minds when they are using and many when they are not.Their parents may be dangerous as well. If they are in gangs you have a whole new set of problems.

Remember I was up at a cabin in the woods.Found there were meth addicts all around me. I made myself known by going to all the neighbors and letting them know I don't care what you do, but the smoke from your cooking is coming across the river. I had to move it was so bad.

I have heard you say over and over in your posts about not feeling safe, you don't want your kids affected. etc. You are right, it is up to you to provide your kids a good environment, but not up to you to change it. Believe me, you cannot. I would rather live where it is safer, than spend my time being concerned about the bs that is there.

You have so much responsibility as it is, you do not need this. Those kinds of people think nothing of breaking into your home sweet one. I am sorry the world is so horrible, it's not your fault or responsibilty to try to change it.

Even here at my home, I have it all fenced in and the gate locked. A huge growing farm pig who runs to the gate or to anyone who pulls in down there. Along with a horse and seven dogs. I put bells on every single gate and on my doorknobs. I hang chimes on the insides of the doors. Keep yellow jacket spray by the doors and my bed.

I invite you to think outside the box. Maybe rent a big place to share with two other single parents or? It is possible to think of alternative ways to live and live safe. Or find a single lady like me who would love a single mom and her kids to move in. There are ones out there as nutty as me uno!

I know familiar seems easier, but I am telling you I feel sooooooo much safer now. Sad to lose the mountains, the river, the birds and other wildlife, but this is my home, feels like home.

hugs hugs, debilyn ps pics of puppy? kind? name? details I want details! (c:

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

BF: I have to go with Deb on this one. I work in a neighborhood that has the kind of stuff going on at all times. I can tell you that reaching out to teens who are looking for trouble has resulted in nothing positive at the time. I'm not saying every teen smoking or drinking will hurt you, but the disease works in them as much as it works in adults. Lots of these kids are using at an early age. My own grandson avoids them in the schools because they're looking for trouble and for those they see to be weaker than them to target. They don't have jobs so they have to have money to get what they want. I get the self-righteousness and I get the fear stuff. I also think we carry an intuitive knowing about what is a really bad scene for us. As long as I've done the work I do and as much support as I have had from neighborhood residents, I still wouldn't approach a group of drinking teens hanging out in a group and offer them cookies. You're in the situation. You see what you see. You'll do what you sense is necessary for you and your girls. But, sometimes the kindness we need to offer is to ourselves and to our loved ones. The disease operates the same in young people as it does in adults.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.