The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well, as I mentioned in my first post, I used to do more than my share of drinking too, so I never really thought too deeply about his- because- well I guess I would have had to look at myself too. So I rescued and argued and felt the stress of being "the responsible one" while he blamed and failed to appreciate and...so on. Around and around. Both avoiding ourselves and blaming the other.
This latest bender has gone on for longer than usual; it's interesting to take a back seat as I have been and just watch it unfold without getting involved. 2 nights of getting absolutely paralytic, 1 night of sleeping it off, rinse and repeat.
He seems intent on dragging me into it- trying to make me party with him, cranking the music so that I can't sleep, trying to start petty fights, and when it all fails, accusing eyes and claims that I don't care about him.
I'm just following the path of least resistance. I'm finding it quite easy to calmly stay detatched. I'm not even really annoyed with his behaviour; having challenged my own codependance so much I'm thinking differently and I am starting to understand that he really is very unwell, so even if I COULD somehow get him to "behave" for a few days, weeks even- it won't change anything other than to deepen his sense of "it's not so bad" and my own sense of "maybe I should hang in there, look how hard he's trying". 2 attitudes that will keep us drifting further and further out to sea.
As I've not lost my cool and allowed myself to get angry or upset, he seems content to coast along doing what he's doing. His money is dwindling, he's received a warning from work for not showing up, looks and smells awful, spends more nights than not unconscious on the floor. Oh well. I used to feel the need to argue and threaten; maybe the thought of losing me will be enough to change him...actually, all that did was keep the drama unfolding continuously and lets face it, the drama was addictive. It completely obscured my own reality from me.
Tonight is his "sleeping it off night" and he's snoring on the couch; just before he awoke to pee and gave me the look of death as soon as he woke. Why? I guess because it has just become so instinctive to him to hate me when he feels poorly. I just smiled and said "good morning sleepyhead" and went back to what I was doing. What purpose would arguing serve? "What are you looking at me like THAT for? What have I done?" would be my usual response. Then he would accuse me of something ridiculous and I would get angry and it would be on. Instead of focused on ME and enjoying my evening, I'd be focused on HIM, trying every which way to modify his opinion because it's just so UNFAIR of him to blame sweet innocent loving me!! Meh.
Many good things are happening for me lately. I've been making friends with some of the other mothers from my daughter's school. Keeping on top of my studies, finances, motherhood. Tomorrow I have to do something uncomfortable (socially), a person that I met online years ago and have kept up an online friendship with with is passing through my town (with his wife, nothing funny) on their way to a wedding and as we always agreed to meet for a coffee if we were ever in the same state, tomorrow is the day; I'll meet them for a quick coffee in town, get a photo for posterity. I'm so irrationally nervous; I'm pretty awkward socially (partially why I started drinking as a teenager) and I've a habit of going blank when I'm nervous and just staring at my feet. So, out of the comfort zone I go- it's that sort of fear that has kept me housebound and friendless, living in a bubble of addiction and abuse and loneliness for so many years. The less I focus on HIS behaviour, the more I have to challenge my own fears and issues.
For a very long time I have blamed him for my own loneliness and unhappiness- HE moved us here to a remote town, HE refused to go out and try to meet people with me, it's HIS FAULT that he is the only adult I speak to on any given day. What a load of crap.
Crazy though- I'd put my fear right up there alongside the way I feel when I know I am supposed to be having a driving lesson or going to the dentist; I feel so edgy and unwell. Just because I have to go and have a pleasant chat with some people that are very nice and want to meet me in person for a quick coffee as they pass through my town...wow. I'm just a half-step away from scared of my own shadow aren't I?
But, as someone who has been sharing their wisdom about recovery to me has said, a big part of it is learning to be uncomfortable and deal with it instead of avoid it. So off I go, creating my own life and interests and friendships instead of staying indoors and nurturing my relationship with HIS addiction.
No more scared little rabbit! (She exclaims nervously).
I laughed out loud at your cute greeting "good morning sleepyhead" that sounds like great detachment to me. I love your awareness in this post and lack of anger, I hear so much strength and acceptance here! Keep up the great recovery work, I am amazed to hear such growth and to hear you are heading out to live life is awesome! Sending you much love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
But, as someone who has been sharing their wisdom about recovery to me has said, a big part of it is learning to be uncomfortable and deal with it instead of avoid it. So off I go, creating my own life and interests and friendships instead of staying indoors and nurturing my relationship with HIS addiction. MELLY
sounds to me like you got a grip on this thing called alanon and its ability to free us of the "stinking thinking" and alanon can help us, it did me, anyway, to reclaim the life I soo deserve...that you sooo deserve......GOOD JOB
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
How fantastic that you are willing to go out on such a social encounter. I must admit that socially things can be very difficult for me. I do better these days but I can still feel very very awkward. I can allow myself to be awkward these days. I do tend to be more friendly these days too.
I did indeed blame the ex A for all my problems and believe me he caused plenty of them. I took a long time to see my part and detachment and being in al anon helped me tremendously but nevertheless living around an alcoholic was really really difficult. Watching someone destroy themselves never gets to be easy.
I certainly went along with a lot of the alcoholics hair brained schemes. I could recite them for you but I somehow embraced his desperation and need for a solution out there rather than inside. He always had some other grand plan afoot and I used to feel abandoned by them all the time. He never got to responsible decision making.
I am so happy for you that you can look at taking things one day at a time and looking and being willing to be nervous and apprehensive. I am every day in many ways and on other levels I recognize wherever I am I am. I don't wish to be at another place anymore. Whatever it is today is a good day. I don't need to be obsessed with what fearful things can happen tomorrow.
Well, "Operation be Sociable" was a success. Had a pleasant meeting with my online friend and then went to dinner at my daughter's friend's house. I've not had any friends or social contact for years, in fact until a couple of months ago, before I started to really tackle my codependence, I often went for weeks at a time without even leaving the house (I study online). Gosh I was depressed, and what a difference it makes to be building friendships and saying YES to invitations instead of hiding away and making excuses (convenient migraines).
For a long time I wouldn't invite anyone inside the house because I was ashamed of the empty bottles, ashtrays, rubbish and general carnage. I swung between 2 modes- being "on strike" and refusing to clean up after him- this would go on for weeks until I couldn't stand it and cleaned everything up, hating myself and him the whole time. This new system is great. I clean my stuff and keep the house nice, and I shove his mess into a corner or put it in his office (yes, I'll walk PAST the kitchen to carry his bottles/dishes/rubbish into his office so that I can close the door on them). I will not clean his mess but I'll relocate it for the sake of my own sanity. Now that he knows I am going to have people in the house he's become concerned about them seeing his mess and asks me if they commented on it etc. He's also stopped leaving empty cans, bottles and cigarette butts in the bathroom and toilet which is a real bonus. Because he knows I'm not keeping his secrets and living in hiding anymore. I hated getting in the shower and finding empty wine bottles etc in there. It's just gross.
So HE is drunk again and trying every which way to be lovey and snuggly tonight. Also wants to tell me all about his latest get rich quick by gambling online scheme. I've told him again and again- don't involve me, because he expects me to listen to him rave about these schemes for weeks and listen to endless bullcrap about how rich he is going to be and how wonderful life is going to become- and then when it doesn't work, it's all my fault and I bear the brunt of all of his misery and dissapointment (not to mention having to bail him out when he has blown thousands again). So I'm done, I don't want to know anything about it. I swear he can talk non-stop about it for up to 4 hours at a time and not even notice that I'm not listening and could not care less. Addiction-Aquired-Aspergers I call it.
One thing I have definitely noticed is that the more I reach out and make friends and contacts in the real world, the less affected I am by his nonsense. It's so much easier to shrug it off and laugh at it now that he's not the center of my universe. And leaving seems so much more feasible. All in all, a good day. Yay for pushing myself out of my comfort zone!
