The material presented
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and we are back in the abuse again. It's not that i didn't see it coming. I just hoped for a while there could be a different outcome, this time. a lesson repeats itself until it is learned and internalized, right!
So I separated from A, he moved out, and i try to move on. 2 days ago we settle on a friendly farewell, with all respect to our love and to our friendship. He took it well, i took it quite well, seeing separation as the only healthy decision and allowing both of us to choose our own way into recovery. so far so good.
But yesterday he gets back to me, in a way that shows me that he isn't accepting the fact of separation, becomes all melancholic and dramatic about the past, and seems he loves dwelling in misery and repeating reliving old stories by talking about them. I said I couldn't do that, had to stop the conversation, in a respectful kind way and that was it.
then at Midnight, i was already fast asleep, the phone rings. It's him, i pick up, because I thought we settled in a friendly way....didn't think much, my mistake, in half sleep also. on the other side, silence....I ask him, talk to me...and he keeps silent....creepy, rude....so i hang up. and continue my sleep. He has done that before...usually he does that when he is back in drinking and drowning in memories and fantasies, in his own illusionary world... but anyway, i managed to get back to sleep, it didn't shake me up this time. Detachment works. I vacillated for 5 minutes maybe... but then reminded myself that I sleep in my own bed, in my own peaceful home, that his problem is not my problem anymore. has never been actually. just sad for he is revisiting his old ghosts.
this morning then, he is all in defensive aggressive mood, writes an email in a victim position, calls me on the phone, i don't respond, sends me really rude abusive messages, which is a complete delusionary description of me, that justifies his choices...all so far from reality and truth...so much that this time i even don't doubt myself, since I know what i did and who I am, and especially what my intentions are. I' sad he took it back to point 0, where we have been 8 months ago, seems like nothing changed. when he is scared, all monsters in his imagination wake up and i'm his surface of projection. Probably worse things are still to come, but maybe they don't . With this disease, nothing is ever sure. I'm prepared for it. again for 5 minutes I felt pain in my stomach, and i felt like crying , for within a week my friend has left, and this scared weird thinking person took his place again.....i will feel more anger, fear , deception, sadness....i'm sure. and that's ok, the situation is sad. But i will try not to get absorbed in it. The disease can have him, if that is what has to happen, but it won't have me. No, it's not so important the content of his accusation, i know he doesn't mean it really, it's his fear talking, and he is struggling, that's all. So I try to see only his pain, will stand strong on my side, ignore the words, and count on HP to lead him where he needs to be leaded. I did the best i could, I do the best for me now. My love goes to him, in thought only. To me, in action...and breathing.
Thanks for letting me share.
have a good evening or day, depending on where you all live
I remember being helped to step my recovery up another notch and change my phone number and if she called my office to not respond at all. That worked wonders when I stuck to it otherwise I was staying connected and responsible for the consequences of her drinking and using. Keep coming back....((((Hugs))))
.i will feel more anger, fear , deception, sadness....i'm sure. and that's ok, the situation is sad. But i will try not to get absorbed in it. The disease can have him, if that is what has to happen, but it won't have me. No, it's not so important the content of his accusation, i know he doesn't mean it really, it's his fear talking, and he is struggling, that's all. So I try to see only his pain, will stand strong on my side, ignore the words, and count on HP to lead him where he needs to be leaded. I did the best i could, I do the best for me now. My love goes to him, in thought only. To me, in action...and breathing.
****WOW....wonderful program work....I am impressed...and love to see alanon in action and that is what your post reflected
Jerry had a great idea...I have a bio sister who just HAD to push my buttons....she started her hate campaign at me or should say escelated her hate campaign at me when I came forward about all the family horrible secrets in order to free myself.....she would do and say nasty things to me, attack me, just LOVED it when she pushed a button of mine, SO....my cure???
blocked her email
blocked her cell
wiped her off my facebook
I live in different state so she cannot come see me and if she did???? I am unavailable....after trying numerous times to try and "work things out w/her" i found out it was detriment to me to keep this woman anywhere near my life.....she is so toxic, worse than the chernobyl plant......I send her , in my head, peace and goodwill...I do not hate her, it isn't worth it, but NEVER is she welcome in my life.....b4 I wiped her from facebook and blocked her, even, she posted something so horrible on my brothers board that not only did she extinct herself from my life, but she turned about 40 people on HIS book against her.........NOT my problem........so anyone can be a toxic in ones life, but in alanon, we don't have to wallow in their self destructive negativity...we can feel sorry for them, but at a FAR distance
GREAT JOB.....LOVE a good "victory" story.....as they say "you done good"
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Wow! Sounds like you are truly working this program, reclaiming your life and moving into a new home on corner of Acceptance St. and Surrender Ave. The air there is so nice to inhale.
((((hugs))))
John
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" And what did we gain? A new life, with purpose, meaning and constant progress, and all the contentment and fulfillment that comes from such growth."
Just the disease talking - nothing more. Good that you drew a warm blanket about yourself, stayed in your own hula hoop, and are going on with your life. Nice work, T.
I currently live around an alcoholic who does much the same thing if she doesn't get what she wants she tantrums. Reminding myself of the boundaries is so so key for me. I also don't allow people to call me at all hours of the day and night unless it is really an emergency. I have a lot of boundaries these days. That is what makes the difference.
