Newby needs listening ear & help! - Al-Anon Family Group

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Newby needs listening ear & help!

MeTwo2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Debra .. the situation you're in is a hard one. The advice you received on the board to get to a face to face meeting And get a sponsor can save your sanity and many years of more heartache to come Not only for You but for your children as well. The question isn't always so much why do they drink but why do We allow it. The power in the meetings is truly about awareness and wisdom. We lack it. For me, I was powerless because I didn't know how (I) was being effected by alcoholism. I didn't know it was a disease .. The Truth is, We Can See what the Alcohol is doing to them, we cannot always See what the alcohol is doing to Us. My Biggest Assumption was to think we Both knew there was a problem. For the Alcoholic, Alcohol is Not the problem, It's the Solution and when We come along saying let's talk about Feelings, morals (it's Not a moral addiction) Love, Family, etc.. We Become the problem for messing with Their solution. At the Same time, we believe we Also have the solution .. Just Get them Sober and Everyone will be fine and yet on a deeper level, Everything is Not fine when they get sober Unless they are Truly working Recovery for Themselves and Even then Recovery is a Process Not an Event.

For me, it was easy enough to hear others pre-Alanon tell me to Just leave. I couldn't. I came to alanon to fix him but when I recognized my Obsession on Him, I realized I needed to go back for me. When I got a sponsor, I remember telling my sponsor I feel like I can't walk away; I feel So comfortable with him, it's like I have known him my Entire life. My sponsor replied by telling me I know, you are powerless and You Have known him your Entire life, you've known the behavior. Alcoholism is Not just a Drinking disease, it's a thinking disease. They drink; we Think (about Them Only many times) Our stories may be different but Each of us has lived with the devastating Effects and distorted thinking, feelings, etc., which accompanies the disease.

I'm not going to bash you or give you advice. The children are Also powerless over how this will all effect their thinking though too, self worth, growth process, anger, obsessions, etc., or the fact they may end up later in a similar addiction. The saddest thing Ever for me is that when I allowed The addict to stick around, I was Teaching my children Learned helplessness and that this is what we do; we Forget about ourselves because we Love alcoholics. She also had some behaviors I later understood as My mom will let others hurt as in harm me. There was never physical violence in our home, but there was yelling which was violent Enough; arguments. Even if you can't, don't want to, etc.. walk away, Please consider the suggestion to attend meetings. It took some time but my life with my kids is finally beginning to heal.

Your story is Not unique. We Simply cannot control the behaviors of others, but we Can control our choice to reach out for help through the humility (willingness to learn and be teachable) of seeking out our Own Recovery; the Only thing we truly Can work on. Good luck Newbie. Your Among Many who truly do understand better that most others can !!

Our children Need us.. My favorite Alanon quote from Paths to Recovery .. "When my hubby and I got married, we became One; we became Him." There was No me until I began to Work on recovering Me. I thought it was Him I was losing; Never could see it was Me.

-- Edited by MeTwo2 on Tuesday 6th of August 2013 02:25:29 AM

DebraAnnRegan · Newbie

My boyfriend is a drunk. He drinks 151. Full pints. Whats more he gets violent sometimes whens hes drunk and I left him tonight cause he wanted to go get another pint and was already toasted. Whats worse is that the last time he drank two or three pints he got real violent and hurt my teenagers. That was a year ago and everything is about him. Everything is my fault. Hes very possessive and I cant even live on my own w/o him having a hissy. This morning I woke crying and crying cause of all the stress. Feel little better about things. I've been praying a lot and even prayed tonight for him and his dad and his two kids but watching him drink over and over also reminds me of my childhood and I'm loosing patience. He's worried I'm going to break up w him and I just want him to stop drinking. He won't. He even overdose about 2months ago and it just does not seem to matter. How do I detach w love?

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

Al-anon face to face meetings, finding a sponsor and reading everything al-anon you can find helped me immensely. The first two books I read and still love are "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews and "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. Both those books taught me a lot about me and my life as well as gave me tools like detaching and answered some of my questions. I am glad you found us at MIP and keep coming back! Sending you love and support!

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

DebraAnnRegan wrote:
My boyfriend is a drunk. He drinks 151. Full pints. Whats more he gets violent sometimes whens hes drunk and I left him tonight cause he wanted to go get another pint and was already toasted. Whats worse is that the last time he drank two or three pints he got real violent and hurt my teenagers. That was a year ago and everything is about him. Everything is my fault. Hes very possessive and I cant even live on my own w/o him having a hissy. This morning I woke crying and crying cause of all the stress. Feel little better about things. I've been praying a lot and even prayed tonight for him and his dad and his two kids but watching him drink over and over also reminds me of my childhood and I'm loosing patience. He's worried I'm going to break up w him and I just want him to stop drinking. He won't. He even overdose about 2months ago and it just does not seem to matter. How do I detach w love?

Dear Debra............the fact that he got violent with your kids, right there, you need to get RID of this guy....His drinking is only going to get worse and worse and worse UNLESS he surrenders to AA and spends a long time in recovery and sober

Violence escalates...I know...Been there done that, but I draw the line when it comes to my kids....I was lucky, I took the brunt, but your situation is now dangerous....I would , if I were you, talk w/an abuse shelter expert about how to legally get him out of your life if he is living with you....if he is not living w/you, YOu need to drop him....get into alanon, get into meetings....get yourself a sponsor, work the steps so you can disolve these patterns of why you got into this situation...what old childhood issues do you need to resolve?? the 12 steps in alanon will help you understand this......

You CANT stop him from drinking, you cannot control him and you cannot cure him.......If he got violent once, he will do it again....One thing I can guarantee is this.....a drunk who is NOT in AA and is violent is a tragedy looking for a place to happen.....he is a ticking bomb....I hope reading this you are concerned enough to get him out of your life and get yourself into alanon....I hope he is not living with you b/c those kids of yours are in deep danger......if he is not living with you, I would go talk w/ an abuse shelter expert, still and even the cops if they suggest it to keep this guy away from you and your kids......I am really worried about the damage this is doing to your teenagers....I URGE you to get into alanon, and immediately take steps to eliminate his getting near your children, and you, b/c he can and will get worse....untreated, he , guaranteed , is gonna get worse.....you need to take care of you and those kids NOW...I can't stress this enough.....When my first Ex started getting violent w/me, pushing me around, etc,. that was IT...I was GONE ....for good....drinking makes them worse and worse unless they get into AA stop drinking and really work the program....

You couldn't pay me to get involved w/another drunk...Alanon has taught me how to love me, protect me, value me, care for me......I couldn't say that b4 alanon

If I am scaring you, maybe that is a good thing b/c you are in danger and those kids are in danger.....U posted that he got violent w/the kids and I wasn't going to post, just read , but I saw your post and as a mom of two grown daughters, I saw that and knew I had to tell you what you are facing...

he is only gonna get worse until he surrenders body, hart and soul to AA 12 steps and works his program with all his being.....I don't see him wanting to do that, reading your post...All I see is a drinker who wants you but on his terms and that is not acceptable, with someone who gets violent

let me tell you something else....a violent person or a cheating person or a pervert person is that way even if not drinking....the drinking only takes away the inhibitions.....my 2nd husband was an alkie, but he would cut his hands off before he touched me...why??? b/c violence was NOT in his nature.

so I don't buy at all..."the drink made me do it" that is Bu****it!!!! the drink only makes that stuff come out...

My father was a serial rapist...girls 13 to 17 were his targets....he was that way sober just as much as he was drunk

My mother was a raging alcoholic....she was just as nasty sober as she was drunk....she was just a very angry raging woman......

So the "devil made me do it" just does not wash......a person who is violent can be that way sober as well....

A lady on here told me she consulted w/mental health experts and they said that drinking only brings out what is already inthem.....a cheater is a cheater....a violent person is violent.....an abuser is an abuser.....

So, my fellow alanoner you did the right thing coming here and coming forward......You are in BIG danger being w/someone who gets violent w/your own children.....

PLEASE get to the meetings...get a sponsor....get books on the 12 steps and get the literature and lets get YOU going on recovery......Drop him and let him find his own path, hopefully he will get into recovery one day, for his sake, but it is He is NOT your problem, You cannot fix him, begging, crying, praying for him, thats all fine, but its HIS choice to drink or not to drink....then when hes "dry" and you piss him off, he may come at you or the kids again......

3 things I never put up with....abuse of any kind..(especially physical) ....and adultery.....and now since alanon, NO substance abuse......any one of those 3??? I am gone....

alanon has taught me I am more valueable than that to live with that kind of misery....best to be alone then to live in that hell.....

PLEASE give this program a chance.....It can save your life, and your sanity AND restore you to a healthier person who will take good care of herself and you will attract better people to you b/c you will be healthier....

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

As long as he has no consequences and you are still there taking the brunt of everything, nothing will change.

You must adapt a change in your behavior, which may cause him to pause. he may or may not reflect on himself.

One thing for sure is you need alanon and this board of MIP. This will start some progress for YOU.
You cant change him and you have no power over the alcohol

If you cant attend a Alanon meeting, stay close to this board and we will support you.
There are online meetings, chat and step work. The steps help in our recovery and you will see how you will gain strength
from them and start to build a better world for you and your children.

You have a Higher Power in your life. This you must trust.

Please keep coming back and post.

Hugs, Bettina

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Nothing much more to add than this: There is a whole big world out there beyond this insanity. Don't let his power/control issues rob you of your life or your children theirs. He isn't violent with you because he's drinking. He's violent because he's violent. YOU are not going to change him. He'll change him if he wants to do that. Most abusive men I've met NEVER stop blaming somebody/something for their awful behavior. The longer we stay in an abusive situation, the sicker we get, too. After he acts out, there's probably a honeymoon period. That isn't because he loves you. It is in order to control you. GET OUT the best way you can with support of Al-Anon and Domestic Violence Assistance Centers/Shelters. He may change at some point in his life, but that doesn't mean you have to be there to help him along. You can't. His hissy isn't your problem.
Your safety and well-being and that of your children is.

I lived with an abusive man. I didn't have to do it. I found another way. I can smell them a mile away coming now no matter how charming they might appear.
As Iyanla VanZant says: "When I see crazy coming, cross the street." Crazy is thinking I'll be the one to change him once he knows how wonderful I think he is. Nobody's loved him before. I'll be the one to love him. If he'd just stop drinking, then everything will be okay. If I lose weight. If I keep a neater house. If I am more sexy. If I am not so sexy. If I just talk with him when he's calm. If I was sweeter, smarter, happier. If I stand up for myself more often - that will do it. If I treat his family nicer.... and on and on our disease spins its tales.

Glad you're here. Keep coming back. Contact Domestic Violence Assistance/Centers for guidance. Go to Al-Anon. There is a whole new world out there waiting for you. One that is free of fear and violence. A friend of mine is married with 4 children. She describes her husband as the place where she gains comfort from the world. That is a normal, healthy relationship. You can have one, too.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Tuesday 6th of August 2013 03:50:36 PM

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I also wanted to add this morning that abuse is never okay, no one deserves to suffer violence or threats of violence it is a very uncomfortable way to live, trust me I know, I grew up with it. There are domestic violence places that have dealt with many spouses and children needing help to change their lives and if you look online or in the phone book I am sure you can find one. Please take good care of yourself and your children you deserve nothing but love and compassion. Since finding al-anon my life has changed in more ways than I can explain, but the best part is I am no longer a victim I am a survivor and overcomer! Sending you much love and support!

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

I also wanted to add this morning that abuse is never okay, no one deserves to suffer violence or threats of violence it is a very uncomfortable way to live, trust me I know, I grew up with it. There are domestic violence places that have dealt with many spouses and children needing help to change their lives and if you look online or in the phone book I am sure you can find one. BREAKING FREE

This is what I told you....PLEASE see a domestic shelter expert and work out a plan to rid yourself of this danger..........I never give advice.....I try to keep the focus on what I did, etc., but this is soo scary with teenagers in the house AND I am concerned about you......this is a very very bad situation and we cannot force you to protect yourself...bottom line it is your choice...but we DO have a choice....to live safe....or to live in danger.....with kids, I would think that this is not only your life in jeopardy but the children who are helpless and NEED you to protect them........JUST saying....please keep coming back...alanon was my salvation.....

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

grateful2be wrote:
Nothing much more to add than this: There is a whole big world out there beyond this insanity. Don't let his power/control issues rob you of your life or your children theirs. He isn't violent with you because he's drinking. He's violent because he's violent. YOU are not going to change him. He'll change him if he wants to do that. Most abusive men I've met NEVER stop blaming somebody/something for their awful behavior. The longer we stay in an abusive situation, the sicker we get, too. After he acts out, there's probably a honeymoon period. That isn't because he loves you. It is in order to control you. GET OUT the best way you can with support of Al-Anon and Domestic Violence Assistance Centers/Shelters. He may change at some point in his life, but that doesn't mean you have to be there to help him along. You can't. His hissy isn't your problem.
Your safety and well-being and that of your children is.

Oh Pleeeeeeez read and re-read grateful's post......this is serious stuff......domestic abuse never gets better.....it gets worse.....trust me.....unless he gets therapy AND AA big time.....U and those poor kids are in BIG time danger.............Grateful said it SPOT ON!!!!! We care....We are here....We are listening, but we can't do more than that....You gotta make the decision......WHAT am I gonna do to keep my kids and me alive and sane???? Who do I pick???? This abuse or my own live and the lives of my children b/c that is what it is about.....You got your warning, last year when he got violent with the kids......someone may not be so lucky the next time............alanon is here....alanon is free.....alanon saved my life......it can save yours...but first, I would get in touch of a domestic violence expert...look into a retraining order....DV experts can guide you and help you w/each step...........take care ok????

DebraAnnRegan · Newbie

Thanks guy. I've already done all that. Guess I'm not very strong. I keep going back to him. And he has hurt me over and over. My kids (they r teenagers) and live w their father and they haven't been around him since last year since he did that and I haven't seen my kids much cause of it. I am saying it again and he told me not to call him or come over again but I'm going to try again for the 25th time to get him out of my life. I have a restraining order now. Last night he was mad I was leaving (and drunk) and threatened to slash my tires. I know I cant understand why I keep doing what I keep doing. Yeah, he has hurt me many times. I will try to get to an alanon meeting tomorrow and will call the counselor. I keep thinking he will change this time. Yeah, if I do this and he'll stop this but he doesn't. And its always my fault. Thanks for the support. I really appreciate it.

Phoenix7 · Member

I'm pretty new too but the one thing that I do know is that nothing is ever the alcoholic's fault. It's always blamed on others.

Don't believe that. They become masters of guilt and manipulation.

Don't accept that this is the best your life can ever be. :)

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Debra: He isn't hurting you. You're hurting you using him to do it. You don't have to figure out the why of it right now. What's important is to get out of it with help from DA and Al-Anon to stay out of it. I've been there. I know what goes on in us to some degree. But, until I found a way to remove myself from it and take better care of myself - and allowing somebody to hurt me over and over again is NOT taking care of myself - nothing changed and my self-respect dropped lower. I do hope you choose to follow through with DA and Al-Anon. That restraining order is no good if you keep contacting him or letting him contact you. If you choose to follow through on action with DA and Al-Anon, you will be incredibly surprised as how different your life will be and how beautiful a person you truly are. You have to want that more than you want to keep hurting yourself. You deserve kindness, compassion and care. There is only one of you in our world and we need you here. (((D)))

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

Nothing changes until something (you) changes. He has proven who he is, now take care of yourself and know you deserve much more than this life! I am sending you so much love, prayers and support on your journey!

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