The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've never been to an Al anon meeting nor has my AH been to AA. As my Husband would say: I "have just enough information to make me dangerous".
I'm under the impression that because my husband owns a successful company, has hobbies, well known and respected in the community and a member of a church, some would consider him to be a "functioning A". Eh.... I don't know what that really means. Because it makes things much harder when trying to better our home and family life.
As I've alluded to I have read many books and done hours of research on the internet it is very obvious that he has a problem. Any and every argument that we have is because of or due to his drinking. Period. He is aware that I do not like it and he is also aware that the girls don't like it either. He has even "joked" that the reason his daughters are clean and have never tried alcohol or drugs (18 and 16) is because he has given reason for them to not want to. They will come right out and say it too. Ever since they could understand I've told them "nobody begins drinking or doing drugs hoping to become and addict, remember that when you are offered a drink or drugs".
As I've read it does get worse, in his case it is happening very s l o w l y . He will alternate between beer and wine. He will sometimes go though the weekdays not drinking and then on the weekend work in the yard, wait for noon and pop open a beer. Other times he will buy wine and have "a glass" to unwind. ( What A has a glass of wine?)
Last few months I would smell pot once in a while when I'd empty the trash. I would mention it to him and his response would be either "ya, I think the neighbors are smoking or geez, you have pot on the brain, you always smell pot". I knew. So, on the 4th of July it was just he and I at home we were bbqing and he kept going to the side of the house for this or that. I waited and watched. I crept out of the house and there he was , coming around the corner and exhaling. I just said.. Wow, you've been lying to me. He started to make excuses and then just finally said "I haven't been lying".
I don't know why I never addressed it after that. I tried the silent treatment, I tried to make myself bring it up but I knew he would turn it on me. So I did nothing.
A couple days later I found a bottle of rum in the garage. He obviously has been using that in addition to his beer so he can claim all he's had was "a couple of beers."
I find myself praying, wishing, praying and hoping and praying again that something would happen to make him come to the realization that he is going down. He would embarrass himself so that he says enough is enough. Why can't I just confront him?
I think he believes because he is still able to function that I should have nothing to complain about.
Whats worse: I'm afraid even if he did go to AA or quit it might be too late. I really don't look forward to our time together at all.
So sorry for the long whine... I just needed to get this off my chest.
I can relate to your share and hope you can make it to face to face al-anon meetings and keep coming back and reading here at MIP. Two books that I read early on and made an impact were "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews and "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. I found a sponsor and many new friends, almost family members in the meetings and learned so much that my life will be forever changed for the better no matter what. I am glad you found us and keep reading and coming back. Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Aloha hisimage...welcome to the board and exercising your courage to reach out. You've come to the right family and there is unconditional love and support and understanding here. We know where you are at and how your shoes fit. We have been or currently are where you are at now to some degree or other.
There is not such thing as a functional alcoholic or addict. I came to understand coming from within the disease and then working in the rehab industry that all to often the term "functional" fell by the way side when I dealt with the wife and family. Often times they can hold on to their jobs while at the same time loosing their friends and family.
You're okay...you can start detaching from the disease now...you don't have to creep around checking and re-checking and your research has been good. I even went to college to understand the disease of addiction...Wow what an eye(s) opener and best of all I contacted and joined the Al-Anon Family Groups for those of us who are negatively and seriously affected by someone elses drinking and using. The drinkers and users in my family go back generations and the disease owned me for quite a while also. I am a "double" a member of Al-Anon and also a member of AA. I am also a therapist who worked in the field. Today I know and know that I know what this disease is about and I know now that you have enlightened yourself. Are you attending face to face Al-Anon meetings in your area? Did you know to find the hotline number for the group in the white pages of your local telephone book? If you are attending good for your...if you are not I would encourage you to get there as quickly as possible. You will find others who have the Experience, Strength and Hope which will support you very very well. There is lots of literature and more tools to repair your mind, body, spirit and emotions which the disease of alcoholism destroys over time. If you have any apprehension about going...go first and then see how apprehensive you are afterward. Sit down and listen with an open mind. You can identify (first name only) if you wish...you don't have to identify your alcoholic by name and should not, you don't have to speak at all...Listen first and then keep coming back.
Keep coming back here also. You are not alone...just check out the membership numbers at the bottom of the page and you will get an idea that you're in family. (((((hugs)))))
I learnd recently, on my return back here that there is no such thing as a functioning alcoholic....oh sure, they may have a job, but their family is wrecked....AND if untreated, they slide down that slippery slope of darkness untnil they have nothing....the drink makes them worse and worse until they die if not under treatment with AA and the 12 steps
what can you do??? you came here, that was your first big step to reclaiming your life , which, sadly, until he gets into recovery and begins to live a healthier life, your life will be separate from him in that you are going to need to live for yourself, think for yourself, work on you...alanon teaches us to focus on us...it is about us....not the alkies in our lives....alanon shows us how to live healthy, whether we stay in the relatioship or not.....alanon will help us detach from the drinking and stay focused on us
My 2nd AH was a good guy, but he was an alcoholic....I wanted recovery b/c I knew I was a sick codependent from my childhood and it never was resolved...I was ready to resolve it.....I wanted help...my X Alkie husb. did not....he was my 2nd husb. a good guy, but did not want recovery...I did
I told him that we were getting help...both of us, or I would go it alone....I saw the insanity of staying with him, I did not want to watch him die, so I kicked him out when he refused to get help.....so, in 2002, i got into alanon...a bitter, resentful, screwed up little mess
I got the 12 steps literature...alanon literature, coda literature b/c I am coda and alanon....I got a sponsor to guide me on the steps and literature...i went to meetings.....2 to 3 a day for the first few months of my recovery
alanon turned my life around.....yea, I have issues and triggers, but I am aware of it....I can deal with them.....I know what to do b/c of my program...
i surrendered me to the program and its parts with a hunger for a healthier life....I worked it so hard that for the first few months into it, I did nothing BUT recovery....I had to because I was so messed up
I am so glad that I did b/c I am not even the same person anymore.....I take care of me....I set limits on what i will accept and not accept and i am true to myself....I accept NO abuse....I will not stay around liars or abusers or manipulators....if a relationship looks unhealthy to me, I am gone.....I only seek out folks who love themselves in a healthy way so they can share that love with others.....i went from shallow well people to deep well people....I no longer accept crumbs.......
please embrace this program and work it thoroughly....it will pay you back 10 fold if you just give it a chance
I am glad you came.....
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
I recently spoke to a man at the request of his wife. She was very concerned about his drinking. I was at their house, so he and I stepped in the garage area, where he has this great work bench, all sorts of power tools, etc. and then he showed me his latest creation. He didn't know yet that I was going to speak to him some about alcoholism.
He opened his attic steps from the garage ceiling, and told me "to come on up and check this out!" In his attic he had four 2 gallon bottles of vodka, and a fifth one turned upside down on a little stand he had built and had it plumbed so that gravity would send the vodka down a 1/2 inch plastic aquarium tube, to a faucet valve next to his work bench below. He was just tickled pink about this new creation, so darn proud of it. "This way she can't catch me pouring a drink any more!"
I asked him to sit down so we could talk for a few moments. He agreed he might be an alcoholic but was a "functional one". That opened the door for me. Functional alcoholics don't have to build devices to dispense alcohol in secret. I told him, that would only qualify him as a "Functional Drunk". We both laughed. We continued our conversation and he was able to cross the bridge of being a functional alcoholic to the island of being dishonest, manipulative, and never being at home because when he was, he spent most of his time in the garage, not present and available to the family, and not catering to the needs of any other part of the house. I shared with him some of my own shenanigans of the past and we spent two hours in that garage laughing, exchanging the stupid stuff we do as drunks. When I left, I shook one of his hands while the other held on to a drink from his new creation. I told him, he doesn't have to do anything if he doesn't want to, but now that he realizes he isn't a "functional alcoholic" but merely a "functional drunk", if he ever decided he wanted to do anything about it, I would be glad to take him to a AA meeting with me just so he could see what it is about. The look on his face wasn't too promising, thats for sure.
A few days later, he called me and asked if my offer was still good. I said of course it is. We went to a meeting together that night and the topic was sponsorship. At the end of the meeting, without so much as a nudge from me, he got up and got his very first "desire chip". On the way home, he asked, "would you be willing to sponsor me?" I replied, "if you are willing to remove the vodka from your attic, and remove all the plumbing for it going to the work bench, I'll help you and that will be where we start". He asked "when?" I smiled and replied "tonight". The look on his face was hallmark material. I could tell he was immediately second guessing his asking me to sponsor him. LOL
His first week was pretty rough. He has 23 days now, and his wife is a little happy camper. He has moved back into the house, so to speak. We talked last night and he admitted he didn't realize how glued he had become to the garage to meet his need for alcohol. My reply was... "yeah, and we want to think we are functional alcoholics", when what we really are is garden variety drunks with a little twist in our madness". We both laughed.
Functional? I don't think there is a such thing. Last year, I was called by AA intergroup to go see a man that had called them. He was a heart surgeon. Lived in a home worth several millions. And when I went to see him, he was inside a walk in closet in his boxer's, bottle in hand, boggers running out his nose, which he wiped off on his arm and then ran his arm across his bare leg. He too tried to qualify himself as a functional alcoholic because of his standing, his career, his education, his financial holdings.... yet what I saw was a man that was as homeless as any drunk I had ever met, a real drunk. He died about six months later, being so darn functional.
John
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" And what did we gain? A new life, with purpose, meaning and constant progress, and all the contentment and fulfillment that comes from such growth."
I can understand fully what you are saying. You are not alone. Every little example you told us is literally to the "T" of my AH, the yard work, the awful smell of pot, the empty bottle in the shed, at least the kids aren't like me "I did a good job didn't I' Please find a face to face meeting. Not for him, for you. Much love and prayers.
Thank you all, for your kind words and support. It's funny I know the words and I just don't know how to put it into action. I have a very strong faith and believe that is why I am still standing.
But, there is that part of faith, some of you may understand what I am saying; there is that one little part of faith that has a very fine line. The line between loving, not judging and standing by. That gets completely miss aligned with being taken advantage of and being used. Anyone understand what I am saying? I think I confused the two.
Any way, thank you.
I've tried the meetings here a couple of times. I have the darndest time getting into those chat rooms without "making a scene". I never sign in correctly and it seems like I do it wrong. I then interrupt the meeting.
so, I will continue to try.
Wow found this site and so happy I can get some comfort. My husband is a "functioning" A as they say but! When he doesn't drink he has a flash temper and extremely angry. It's volitile so you don't know when it's coming. When he's home his excuse is "I can't drink for the next 3 days so I'm going to enjoy myself, what is the problem,". The problem is the day before he has to go to work he can't drink, random blood testing at work, and he's short tempered and I'm miserable no way to escape. But as long as he's drink he's a happy man! Doesn't seem like a problem until he can't drink. Any comments are appreciated and I will go to a meeting soon! I think I need it because this is affecting my happiness and health.
Thank you all, for your responses. I can see I stated correctly, it really isn't functioning. I am hoping to gain courage to address the issue or let it go. Whichever will benefit, that I'm sure of.
My daughters understand it as well, which I find quite sad. The oldest does not like him, even though I've tried to explain it's the alcohol she should hate. She is also very angry at me for being who I am... A co. She keeps expecting me to do something,
what, I don't know. Thankfully she is in counseling and NOT willing to try something like Alateen. Even though she now would actually belong to Al anon. My youngest daughter pretty much handles it like me. Hates it but just goes along as to not rock the boat. Sad. I would
bet she'd be willing to go.
John,
your words made me tear up. Thank you for your willingness to save the lives of others. Both the addict and the co.
hisimage: I understand the church thing and the fine line. By acknowledging that you have a problem with your husband's drinking, you are taking responsibility for your own pain and your own struggles. No judgment in that or rejection of him either. Al-Anon will help you learn ways to cope with this disease that are life-giving for you. I actually felt like my Al-Anon home group was more like my church home than my church home. You might find that to be true for you as well. Once again - I'm truly glad you are going to go to Al-Anon. You won't have to give up your religious tradition and you will learn how to deal with a disease that the Church does not formally address in most denominations. Give it at least 6 tries before you decide whether or not Al-Anon is right for you. There are usually different meetings at different locations. You might like to try different ones.
