My relationship with my father saddens me. I am coming closer to really accepting it though, at least I think I am. 

Because it recreates itself with others in my own adult life, it had to be completely accepted.

My father has done everything possible to see that I won't recover after going through the steps. Somewhere in his sick mind he knows all the hard work I did...it took me 2.5 years to do the steps and I worked at it everyday and going God. I won't go into my father's extreme psychological control and mind games...the invalidation And rejection and inviting others in to harm me too...i was offered up to the rest of the family too and they did what they do as well...the Family of Fearings.

even when I first got sober, he and many of my relatives were NOT happy...my father would not speak to me for the first few years and when I decided to move back to our home state where he lives he was angry I would be near him.

but I am beginning to remember now how much God loves me. I need that.  

Recovery is getting really simple now. I see my desperate pleas for acceptance from others -especially people who aren't likely to accept me (just like my father can't) and I see I need to be ok with me.

i know my father needs me to be in this position. I know some more ACOA and Alanon Adult Child meetings are in order (I've been going to Alanon a lot). In AA I unfortunately experience some of the same behavior my father exhibits (Not all members but a lot of them.) it is a tall order to love people who slander me But I know they are sick, just with different symptoms than me.

i know this is about me not needing acceptance from people - only God. 

if anyone has any input or experience, please feel free to share.

.physical verbal and sexual predators...I can have pity patience and tolerance for them but need to stay away...I'm a Child of God and I'm not to be involved. ..(Workingthroughit)

You are a better person than I b/c I have ZERO pity, patience or tolerence for any of the above b/cI do believe that it is a CHOICE.....my bio sire could have gotten help....I have 2 children...if i were a male parent, I would cut my *(&(** off before I ruined my child's life....I MIGHT pity one given over to the darkness like that, but tolerence?? I will never tolerate evil in any way shape for form...In fact my girls asked me  "mom why do we know our grandmothers (just the raging alcoholic) name but not the grandfather???"  and I merely explained to them that I would not bring even the name of evil near them......they just said "ok" and let it drop.....It has taken me decades to even come to ASK my inner high power to take the hate/resentment from me..........

My Jewish former boss told me a story....it stuck w/me....She told me how a nazi death camp chief was in the hospital dying and he wanted to talk with a JEW....from the Simon Wiesenthal center, a Jew arrived at hospital b/c he was curious what the Nazi death camp guy had to say....so he is in the room with him, and the newspapers are outside waiting for this "great story"   and I guess the guy on the death bed was ranting and trying to justify or explain his actions to the Jew for what he did...Like not really taking the responsibility ...Just like my bio sire.....justifying..not taking responsibility...blaming the victim.....rationalizing his actions......this nazi was just like my bio sire.(it was later revealed) ....so when the "meeting" was over, and the Jewish man walked out the news media wanted to know  "what happend???  what was it like????  what did he say to you?????    the Jewish man just quietly said  "may his name be erased"  and he walked away...LATER it was found out the dying man never really took responsibility and repented/begged for forgiveness......so the Jewish guy accepted that  "hes evil...not my problem....erase him and move on"

My boss heard this story in her Synagog and thought of me..how my abuser blamed me...a 13 year old child , it was "our" project he called it.....The molestations were something of "ours".....Like I had any choice....

When my boss told me this, I thought ,  "yea, I can do that...QUIT cursing this guy, when my recovery grows within me and I CAN erase his name and move on, after I work through my pain"

Nearing the end of 2004...2 years recovery under my belt, the hate/resentment each year was a bit less and a bit less....

I went to my boss's lawyer and told him I wanted to legally change my name...he asked me why b/c question #5 on the name change petition to the court would want to know why.....I simply told him I wanted to dissociate from my incest aggressor......my lawyer looked at me and said "OMG...I am sooo sorry...I will help you and no worries on payment...just take your time...you work for "J" and I trust her, so I will help you cleanse your name"

Since 9/11 name changes require a bit more steps than old days.....I filled out the petition w/my lawyer's help...Never did I see people so kind and eager to help me in my  "bath"....his paralegal was the nicest gal I met....She prioritized my "case".....my first step after the petition was to get finger printed w/the local police so that state of TX and FBI could make sure I was not a criminal running aay ...

I was clean as could be...step 3....get a court date....It started in July.....we got court date for September....Lawyer pushed, I know, he said that b/c I figured I would have to wait longer

My day came and lawyer is with me and I am sick as a dog from a cold...but nothing was going to stop me.....We went into our court room and they had to switch judges last minute for something...but anyway, a nice older judge w/ gorgeous grey hair and metal rimmed glasses walked in,  nice looking older gentlemen and we approach the bench...court stenographer is to my left...Lawyer is to my right and the judge says, good morning and he has my petition and apologized to me for the "switch" of judges but he would be happy to help me...

my lawyer takes over and tells the judge that "my client is here to petition this court to change her name........................."  and he proceeds to ask me ????s......date of birth....original name..... on and on...then the "big one"   Question #5......"Why,  ms.  "M"  do you wish to change your name from.........to..........??????"   I looked at the judge and explained to him I was in recovery for not only growing up with alcohol abuse, but my main reason was that My father used me as his sex outlet starting at the age of 13 on through my teens adn it was forced....If I did not comply, threats to harm my younger siblings were used, also if I didn't comply, more violence would occur in that hell hole

I asked the judge to please allow me to change my name so that I could dissociate from his memory, his name, and his person.....I asked the court for a clean last name so that I could sign checks, et al without becoming nauseated wearing this monster's name.....I told the judge that I was in recovery, most likely for life to undo or try to undo the mental and emotional damage he did to me...

I also told the judge about my breakdown in 1970 re: the stress of his stalking me b/c I moved out , ran away when I was old enough and he did not want to let me go

I prayerfully asked this judge to help me progress in my recovery by allowing me to have a CLEAN last name , a name that did not trigger me...make me sick....make me constantly think of the past....I told he judge I wanted to work through all this and come to a place where I could focus on me and loving me and my recovery and making a clean nice life for me

He sat there and looked like he wanted to hug me ...I saw anger in his face...I saw compassion for me in his face....I saw a bunch of emotions......He grabbed the papers up and got to the last page and he signed his name on the papers......He told me that he was the replacement judge and that he was GLAD to be able to be of help to ME....

He also said he was going to go home and say a special prayer for me to recover and find the beauty within me and to be able to , with the name change now, and the recovery, to be able to cleanse myself of the evil that was visited on me......He praised me for my bravery coming to court to do this.....He said I looked to be a "little fighter"  to have survived such a horrendous ordeal....and that he was proud of me....

He then said  "God bless you, young lady and I am glad to have been able to help you on your road to recovery"

I thanked him and said  "your honour...I already feel cleaner..."

I walked out in the weather and the rain and greyness had stopped....In its place was a nice friendly sun,  blue clouds and a nice clean smell to the wind and the weather.....It was a good day.....My lawyer hugged me in his arms and said he was so proud of the dignity I showed when I handled ??? #5.....he said he was proud to know me and that He Too, wold pray for my continued recovering myself......we walked to our cars....son shining on my head....the rain cleaned air smelling so new and fresh......Just like my papers showing my name change and my NEW name......a nice day to start my new life.....

I got to work and there was a bouquet of 13 yellow roses.....they wre from my boss...with my FULL   NEW name on the card......She told me to take the rest of the day off and celebrate my NEW and CLEAN name.....she even put some $$ in the card to make sure I had the money to take me out to eat......I stared at her red card with all the sweet flowers on it and I read and re-read my new , clean name...a name I just picked from another recovery friend...a short,  french name, easy to spell,...easy to write.......but most of all  CLEAN.....

yes...that September day was a new day for me.....going on 9 years ago it was......NINE years...it has become habit now......The people who condemn me for this action to clean up my act...clean up my name....they can take thier hate for me and  check it at the door.....I had the right to do what I gotta do for my recovery

yea, its been 9 years, and yea, I still struggle with resentment when I am sick w/my ptsd or knocked down w/my anxiety and need to rest...miss out on doing stuff b/c I am having a "bad day" ....having to shut down and rest b/c I cannot handle experience overload pisses me off and its a reminder, but I work my program and remind me I am a lot further than where I used to be...and that I shall keep progressing as I work my program......No I will never forget....forgive him.....acknowledge his name, and there are NO items in my house that he touched......I refuse to tell stories about him to my girls.....I refuse to entertain conversation about him when I am not in recovery.....when people ask about my parents, I just say they are dead and want no further discussion of them.....they are GONE and I am NOT gone...I want to focus on me and what I can do for me

some stuff is not forgivable....however I no longer try to forgive him....I am forgiving ME....for being there.......my former sister said  "oh you were too needy as a child and that is why he attacked you".......needy????  what abandoned and abused child is not needy for love????

All I ever wanted in life...ALL.....was to be LOVED....wanted for me.....cherished and protected like the sweet little girl I was......thats all....4get expensive gifts....just hug me and value me and love me...

Now I do those things for myself...and the few close people in my life do.....but mostly I give those things i hungered for to me.....

the best I can do is "erase" him and yea, it happend...I can't change that....can't give me back those lost years,  but I CAN give me today and tomorrow if I live to see tomorrow......I can give me the respect i was deprived of....i used to hate my body.....i just hated ME....but now I do not.....now i see me as just a kid that got in evil's way......just a kid who was easy prey for a predator.....a defenseless, helpless chlld who was easy prey......it was NOT my fault or my sin or my defect......do I blame a puppy for his owner beating him near to death???? of course not....that helpless creature just had the atrocious bad luck of having a bad owner

my revenge?????   fight against child abuse....Report it when I see it....GET INVOLVED.....call the cops....testify if I need to.l........I cruisade for animals too....I fight animal abuse b/c animals are helpless, defenseless creatures too and I absolutely adore them.......I get involved....I watch over the children in the neighborhood to make sure they are safe...I play with them....I tell them my native american stories.....I make them feel safe....

I take this evil visited upon me and I share it w/others in recovery to show them that I understand their pain and that they are not alone.....I help other broken hearts want to not only survive and live, but to live good....to love themselves b/c we are all lovable.....we are NEVER to blame for someone abusing us when we were kids.... a child is never ever to blame or responsible for the evil actions of an adult......

my revenge is to live good for me and fight against this in anyway I can......i take my anger and pain and channel it to helping not only children, animals,  but also adults who had similiar abusive homes who are broken and hurt and wanting to find a way out into the sunshine....

OK...enough rambling on someone elses thread......