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I hope I didn't overwhelemed this forum with all the questions, but here is one more. My frined is doing a baby shower for me this weekend, which is Very nice of her, but she has 3 small children and a husband that likes to drink. So while we will be in her house with the girls, she wants to send her husband with three kids to our house. And my main issue here is that when our husbands get together and have a few beers and let the kids run around i will end up worrying about the house and also what will I get when i get back from the baby shower. I wanted this day to be about me, and in fact it wasnt my husbands idea to bring her husband. He would just wait at home with our kids and he wouldnt drink, but now he is "forced to have a few with his friend". One of our friend's kids is out of control most of the time, i had to stay with him for 1 hour a couple of times and i just ended up following him everywhere, because he wouldnt listen, so if the husbands start having beers they will leave the boy by himself and he will get into trouble, because our house is not build for that.
So my concern here is I dont want my husband to continue drinking when we return from baby shower, plus the house will be destroyed if they let the kids run around without supervision
Am I trying to control my AH? I know the kids will be fine, my husbnad wont be drunk before i return and i can trust him with kids. It looks like I am controlling him again and not focusing on me? How does it look?
I have not read any of your previous posts. After a quick read this seems like a normal problem. I mean, you don't want to have to worry about the kids, sounds legitimate (could be any number of reasons), you really really don't want to have to clean the house up when you get home either. I also imagine that your husband didn't "sign" up for it either. there is "controlling" and then there is wanting to have a say in who comes over and how messy your house it lol.
If it were me I would have a discussion with your friend that is giving you the baby shower and voice your concerns.
What good is it if you will be worrying all day, when your suppose to be having a nice time. Does your friend have family that will watch her children.?
Well, if she doesnt find another solution, then its Higher power time....
For me, it would be a no brainer. I would tell my friend that it does not work for me to have the hubby's drinking together at my home while the children are with them "alone". The end.
The thing that bothers me is the assumption by your friend that the right to use your house (to park her husband and kids) has been earned because she is throwing the baby shower for you at her house. I am sure she has already told her husband that this is the arrangement so now it puts you in the uncomfortable position of having to create an "issue" when there shouldn't have been one in the first place.
Hopefully your husband will very quickly remember (as in now) that he has been invited elsewhere for the day--so he won't be home to babysit the lady's kids and husband (or he has a big project for work he has to complete and needs quiet to do so......). The sooner you let your friend know that it isn't going to work out for her hubby and trio to go to your house, the sooner they will begin to start figuring out something else to do (her husband can take the kids to the zoo for the day or something).
Geez! How is it that something as simple as a baby shower can be turned into such a complicated issue when alcoholism is involved? If this were me - and its not - I'd do the simplest thing for me. If a friend cares enough about me to host a shower, I'd assume that they care enough about me to hear my concerns. Then, I'd let everybody own his own. I'm only responsible for my part in it.
I already told her that they can come to the community pool and spend a couple of hours there, that way kids can play, and initially she was ok with that, but yesterday she said it is 2pm and they dont go to pool at this time, because it is too hot. So now i can't come up with other excuses. I told her to send jids with ready for the pool and we will see how the weather is, she said ok... But still it is going to be an issue.
(((V))) Happy baby shower. I hope the entire day is a really good, good experience for you. I've learned that when I let go of what I can't control, I experience peace and watch HP sort out of the rest of it. Once I've done my part, and know that it is all I can reasonably do in the situation, that is all I can do.
Control is absolutely an issue of mine. I sometimes have to walk away from certain situations. If you can't get the boundaries you need in place what would it be like to walk away and say no baby shower. Thanks but no thanks. I say thanks but no thanks all the time. I absolutely could not do that before.
I agree that I could not enjoy something if there were things that annoyed or irritated me. So then you can humbly butt out. Thank you so much for the suggestion but it isn't possible. No excuses, recriminations no nothing. Just say no.
I know full well what it is to have a husband/boyfriend who drinks to put a spoke in every situation. I lived with one for 7 years. I could live with one tomorrow if I wanted but I know where that will lead. Trying to control an alcoholics behavior is pretty much impossible. I really don't buy that any person has to drink because people around them are drinking or I somehow need to protect them from situations that are difficult. After all they are an adult. If an alcoholic drinks it is nothing to do with my actions.
I really did want to please everyone in the past. I wanted everyone to hail me as the person who solved everything and indeed I did solve all these peoples problems made them feel good, made them feel appreciated and di all kinds of psychological gymnastics. Now I don't. Sometimes I say I can do things that I can't I don't know that is a capital crime anymore. Sometimes I am not able to go to things I feel I ought to. These days I am first on the list. I put my needs first most of the time. Of course there are some places where I don't get "my" way but I set tremendous limits on what I will do and won't do. I no longer exhaust myself worrying about what other people will think.
Having a baby shower is great practice for observing yourself in certain situations. I know when I get anxious around certain people I have to set limits. If someone is repeatedly ignoring my boundaries there is a consequence. I don't permit them to keep on at it. If they don't respect them then I don't just permit them to keep on keeping on. Sometimes things don't go great. Getting to a seamless state of dealing with people is a long long haul. Sometimes we are incredibly clumsy and awkward that's all part of the practice too. Some things are awkward and difficult. When its okay for things to be awkward and difficult I have made progress.
