how to know how I feel now that husband is in recovery - Al-Anon Family Group

sadsusie · Senior Member

how to know how I feel now that husband is in recovery

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

Sadsusie,

Give it more time, Its not even been two weeks, too early to worry about this.

You didnt want to kiss him because your still hurt and didnt want too. Why do women like us not self protect, why do we give in so soon. Is it because we won't let go of the dream we have of living happily ever after. We can still have the dream, but maybe it won't be him.

This man has to prove himself , step up to the plate. You still need time to answer all those questions you have in your mind, nobody can tell you what to think or how to feel.

But I have had experience with an Alcoholic husband, I was married for 26 years. I know all the manipulation. Yes, he loves you, but what does that have to do with anything. Respect is the number one quotient in a marriage. Nothing can exist without respect.

Re read your post, your answer is there.

Just keep working your program, you need a meeting, this board is great, if you can't get to a meeting, this board has online meetings, chat and step work. You need to work it girl.
Best to you
Bettina

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

What you are experiencing is totally normal, but as Bettina indicated, give it more time. I had times when I sat in the parking lot at Kroger and cried...the tears came so suddenly. Then, I would whip out my piece of paper with the reasons I was sitting in the parking lot crying and I dried up in a hurry. If you know it is too hard for you to ward off his "spells" in his presence, stay out of his presence. It is hard not to get caught up in the trance...they know what to say to cast their spells. When I could see what a con my husband was during his active addictions, I got pissed off and I was so glad I was mad, finally! Don't get all Hallmarky or listen to country music for awhile smile Big hug!

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Let it unfold susie. It's going to take months or years not days to get perspective and clarity. Talking about mentoring with two days sober...please..Sounds like he is working hard to make a sell rather than taking it a day at a time. He has a long journey ahead and he's scared and wants you to make it easier or enable him to stop changing. Take your time. Hesitant and skeptical is exactly what I would be expecting you to be feeling right now.

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

I agree.....you need TIME and a heck of a lot more than 2 weeks

and he wants to be a mentor???? yea, right!!! He is not even in AA yet, and I agree with another poster here who said that it sounds like a 'sell"

another poster said we women all have that dream of the good life, the loved life, and yea, but is the dream "realistic" with HIM?? or not???

I would definitely take TIME....sorta like probation....Let him in TIME...SHOW you....words mean nothing...He wants you back...why not??? but what is best for you????

Alanon does not say leave them or stay with them, all it says is let them go to their own path, their own journey an their own (hopefully) recovery

AS YOU WORK ON YOU.....alanon is about YOU....NOT him.....he has to make his own life.......this is about YOU...you making YOUR life liveable

how about getting into some meetings and finding a sponsor and working the 12 steps w/sponsor guiding you and lets think about what YOU can do for YOU

you cannot help him...you cannot change him...you for SURE are not going to cure him

I urge you to put the focus on you and keep it there b/c you are the one one you can help......worry about you and what you need to do about taking care of you.....as to how you feel???? let it sit for a while.......as they say "let him show sustained good fruit" before you even THINK of making things work with him.....

Take care

maryjane · ~*Service Worker*~

HI Sad Suzie,
wow reading your post triggered a lot of the old feelings in me. I started alanon after my hubby had his last drink, but I was so sad and confused that it was suggested by someone in the court system that I find an alanon meeting. I did and I finally, the more I learned about alcoholism and how it had affected me.... I really got p-oed... really angry. I stayed in alanon to figure out what to do about the anger.

This journey in alanon, so far, has been 13 years. We have been married 42 years....and, for today, we are still married. He could drink again tomorrow and we would not be married anymore. I remember, back in the day, that I could not look him in the eyes. It would melt my resolve. I also would not kiss on the mouth, only the cheek or just a hug.

my hubby was all full of how great he was at his meetings and how he would help everyone else figure out their lives. None of them knew his own wife wouldnt kiss him. It was just his own ego not being willing to come down out of the clouds and face reality.

has our marriage come back to the closeness that we had before? Heck no. One problem is trust and the other one is respect. But we can travel together and have a good time. He is very slowly changing. But we also live in our own worlds. I have my friends in alanon that I can trust.

keep learning about how his disease has affected you and how you have changed to accomodate his disease.

most of all, you have to take care of yourself because you know he wont.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Time takes time Susie...Take your time. Go sit in face to face meetings and listen to the input and at the end of the meeting listen to the closing statement that says, "If you keep and open mine...you will find help..." It goes on with experience and the fellowship will support you and love you till you learn to love yourself. Family is family we're here for you. ((((hugs)))) smile

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Some really great reading material is getting them sober series I think it's vol 2 that talks about dealing with someone newly sober. Time is a huge factor and you aren't on anyone else's time schedule .. that is between you and your higher power. If he wants sobriety today he will want it tomorrow. What you do or don't do won't make a difference. Hugs p ;)

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

My experience with my Ah was so horrible I NEVER wanted to feel that way again. No matter how much I loved him, the thought of him relapsing any second, and going right back to that hell...no thank you.

The disease almost killed me the first time around, I was not going to give it another chance.

hugs,debilyn

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

Funny you should talk about him wanting to mentor. My son came out of jail with the same idea. Going back to the jails to hold AA classes. That lasted about 2 weeks.

I have finally let go completely but I haven't given up on him. I love him just like you love your AH. It's time you just get your mind and body in shape to deal with the merry-go-round ( getting off it ) before you make any decisions. Al-anon with help you with that.

Take care and keep coming back
((( hugs )))

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Debilyn wrote:
My experience with my Ah was so horrible I NEVER wanted to feel that way again. No matter how much I loved him, the thought of him relapsing any second, and going right back to that hell...no thank you.
The disease almost killed me the first time around, I was not going to give it another chance.
hugs,debilyn

yep....I agree....why go back to the same kind of fire that nearly cooked me the first time????? I know what my limitations are...what I can tolerate..what I just cannot....and I abide by them.....its called being true to me and what is best for me....

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.