The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I can so understand your confusion. When I attended my first alanon meeting I assumed that I would be given a "HOW TO" book.How to make them stop their drinking and be responsible adults I was very surprised when I was told that I was powerless over people,place and things and that the best I could do for myself and my family was to seek recovery from this disease for MYSELF. I needed to relearn how to trust myself, my thoughts my decisions and to rebuild my self esteem which had been lost as I tried to fix someone else's life.
. Attending meetings helped to break the isolation caused by the disease and asked me, for the hour of the meeting to focus on myself, how I was feeling and what I needed.
Detachemnt for me started when I stopped feeling my partner's feelings and started feeling my own. Feeling my own feelings without needing him to fix them gave me the opportunity to grow and be rsponsible for my own well being. I also gave him the reponsibility for his feelings and for fixing what ever was disturrbing him because I was powerless and did not want to waste our time . It works
We do not give advise in alanon and it is a come as you are program We encourage everyone to have compassion, empathy and understanding for the alcoholic and for ourselves. The tools of alanon reading conference approved literature, the Steps, The slogans. a sponsor will help to guide you to the courage, serenity and wisdom that we all seek'.
Keep coming back
-- Edited by hotrod on Monday 5th of August 2013 04:50:31 PM
I've attended 3 Al-Anon meetings so far & I guess it just hasn't clicked yet. Everyone is so vague with their sharing. I haven't really heard any real scenarios & how we should handle them. I'm not sure how to NOT worry and be concerned for my husband when he could very well die. On the subject of detachment.... If he falls and gets hurt do I just turn & walk away? If he falls thru a glass window, do I let him lay there & die, if he tries to drive blacked out, do I let him? I would love to hear from some wives who live happy lives with alcoholic husbands. It's a terrible feeling walking in to your home not knowing if the person you love will be dead, alive, hurt, or blacked out.
It can seem so vague, at times, however if you keep up with recovery work (meetings, sponsor, reading, this forum) your brain will begin to clear up and you will know how to handle these situations. For example, if your husband falls through a glass window, you call 911, just as you would do for any human being in trouble. All people deserve to be treated with love, dignity and compassion. If however, your husband is passed out on the floor and lying in his vomit, you gently place a blanket over him and go to bed. You did not cause him to fall, you cannot control his falling and you cannot cure the condition that caused him to fall. Many of us have danced with the martyr within us who likes to dramatize, awfulize and rescue...we let the martyr lead. I stopped that dance long ago AND will not live with an addict anymore. My husband has been in recovery for several years and I know that could come to a screeching halt in a second. My well being is not in his hands. I don't worry about it (the martyr/rescuer is too old to move), I stay in my program and live my life knowing that I will be fabulous without him. Al anon says to attend at least 6 meetings, then, if you choose not to come back, your misery will be returned Of course you love your husband and of course you want the best for all of you. Alcoholics do not care who they bring down with them...yes he could die..will you let your soul die along with him? Keep coming back....here is a great big hug for you (((hug)))
I have only been to few meetings so I certainly don't have the answers, but I can tell you some things that have helped me. For one, these boards have helped me. read other peoples posts. Try to see how some of those situations are similar to your own, you may find that many are. There are also online meetings although I found it a little frustrating at first that people don't hand you the answers to you on a silver platter, they do offer words of wisdom on how to start treating yourself and thinking about the situation in a healthier way so that YOU can come up with healthy answers on your own. Many of the sayings are very helpful and you will see in many peoples stories (and during sharing) how they have used the saying to change their lives.
My husband is an alcoholic, had started playing with drugs, and has been in the ER 6 times in the span of about 9 months. The first time he went to the ER...I miraculously found him on the balcony in the condo below me passed out and purple from lack of oxygen, his jaws clenched closed. 2 of the other times he went to the er were because I had found him unresponsive. So by no means am I encouraging you to let him die.
I am not sure how to advise you to live with your AH, because I had to remove myself from my home and AH because I felt that his "friends" were putting me in danger, and I was an emotional wreck and putting myself in danger. So I left. I left so that I could finally find some peace. He obviously was oblivious to my needs or feelings. I let him and his "friends" take care of themselves. I am not sure if that would work for you. But the idea is to let your Adult husband behave like and adult and take some responsibility for himself. It is not so much about not caring for him..its about not caring for him so much that you lose yourself. I spend alot of time "waiting" for him, I may wait to make dinner, hoping he will actually come home. But he never does. so I ruin my evening.
That constant worry...drove me to overmedicate myself on xanax and lexapro.... to the point that I started vomiting and was afraid for my own life. Please don't let taking care of HIM turn in to not taking care of you. I was blessed that that was a one time thing, but it is an extreme example of what can happen.
Detachment....the way I like to think about it is....He is an adult.... he makes his own choices...If he chooses to get into the car drunk (whether you choose to try to stop him, or you choose not to stop him) call the police. you save his life, you save other peoples lives. He made the choice. That is a drastic example, yet again. But I hope you see my point. He makes his choices, let him live with the consequences. It has nothing to do with you *caring*...you will always care. It is about HIM caring about HIM. (and you caring about you)
I left home. I have been gone for 8 weeks. about 4 weeks ago, my husband was in a motorcycle accident. I still do not know the whole story. Nor have I asked. He waslucky to have a helmet on and to not have gotten run over by a car. He wanted me to come home to take care of him. (I almost thought he was making it up at first, because that's waht they do). I didn't and told him to hire a maid. to me...That is detachment.
maybe Dont' buy him his beer ( I used to do that too).
Please continue to go to meetings, listen to the ways they cope. even if you are not sure how to use it right then and there...you will find it useful later. Perhaps there are other groups in your area? you could also try online meetings in addition to face to face. You may also make a connection at one of these meetings who will "sponsor" you and you can get more ideas on your own personal situation. try to talk to people after the meeting. But the way I think it works is that you learn what direction to go in but you drive your own car. It is better in the long run to make your own decisions. I have also found that sharing...the act of verbalizing (or typing) my thoughts and feelings with other people has a way of helping me clarify how I feel or what I want to do. Right now, I am sure you are frustrated and want to know the recipe for success..just keep reading and keep posting..you will get closer.
All the best
I agree with PP, give yourself more time into the philosophy of Alanon.
Nobody in Alanon is going to tell you what you should do for your Alcoholic, the only solution for him is to find recovery.Alanon is not recovery for the alcoholic but for the wives , Mothers and family members of a drinking person.
There are solutions for you though and as you attend more meetings you find your path and higher power, you will find much
serenity in living with the disease of alcoholism. It will also help you to cope with the chaos and bring you to a peace within yourself even though the drinking continues. It can help you to be happy even in the midst of all the craziness.
You only have to work the program, because it works if you work it. There is no easy fix to a serious problem. Alanon is common sense and self protection. Yes, alcoholics can be blacked out, injured, hurt, nothing you can do to prevent that. You didnt cause it. We have all loved an alcoholic and we all wanted to be happy in a relationship with them. There are no guarantee's. Not with this disease. Take care of you.
Keep coming back, post, read, listen, You will see and feel the benefits.
Hi. Welcome to MIP! I hope you will take just a few moments to read the post I put up this evening entitled "Better Days Are Ahead".
There are answers to your questions, but in Al-Anon we avoid telling each other what they should do, instead we are inclined to share what we did. We never frown at someone for doing what they are most comfortable with and encourage the changes needed to end doing what makes someone uncomfortable. I sometimes simply ask questions, such as.. when you do this, does it make you angry or resentful towards the alcoholic? If so, why do you want to do that to yourself? Having done so many things to stop the alcoholic from suffering real consequences as a result of their drinking, do you understand you could be loving them to death by enabling them? You did a whole lot for your alcoholic this week, it's obvious you love him/her dearly. What have you done for yourself this week?
We want to encourage and support you in the decisions you make for your life, and we hope you will let us.
John
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" And what did we gain? A new life, with purpose, meaning and constant progress, and all the contentment and fulfillment that comes from such growth."
As we're told in Al-Anon in the meetings - these are for us - not for our loved ones. Sometimes, its hard to hear guidance for ourselves because we are looking for guidance for our As. I've known folks who fought going to AA, went and felt totally disoriented and confused - the language seems so strange at first - and then one day, they were crying and surrounded by people who totally understood everything - phone lists and #s came out, and the same folks who felt out of it in meetings, suddenly knew they had a home group where they belonged. I was one of those people.
Dear Swood
I felt the same way when I went to my first meetings. I had no clue what these people were saying. Nobody talked about how to fix the chaos in my home. I was frustrated, but I knew something had to change, so I kept coming to meetings. That was almost a year ago. My husband is still drinking, but I am not so consumed by what ne does. Sure, I have bad days, but they are further apart and less intense. I am learning to let my husband be an adult and take the consequences of his actions. I pray that we can stay together, but I know now that it will be up to both of us getting healthy, not just him. I read Getting them Sober, by Toby Rice Drew, i think that is the author. It really helped me to understand the how to's of Alanon. Keep coming and take care of you. Peace and love.
For me it was a weight off of my shoulders to go to my first F2F meeting. I was scared and I too thought someone would tell me what to do. I found this site in February and go to F2F meetings each Tuesday night. The message boards are another great source along with books. We cannot help them. We can only help ourselves. Until they are ready nothing will change. I use to cry, beg, talk, scream, look for the vodka, pour it out and the list goes on and on and on. Nothing changed. I finally got it. The only person I could change was me. I spent so much time thinking of what I was going to come home to, how he was going to be, etc. Too much time I might add. There again nothing changed. I finally decided a few months ago that I was going to get as strong as I could. I started going to counseling too. I did not feel selfish getting myself better. I just knew I could not live like this any longer. I told my husband to leave 3 weeks ago. I went downstairs to talk to him and there he was with a bottle of vodka at 8:30 a.m. He said in a very abusive tone - what are you looking at? At that moment I thought what am I looking at. Who is this guy. I told him to leave. I felt immense relief that I held my ground. Four days later he came home. He is going to a counselor who is a recovering alcoholic - 20 years sober. He is reading books and told me the other day that the best thing that ever happened to him is that I told him to leave. Is this it? I have no idea. I will continue to work my program and I now have a sponsor for my F2F meetings. We have been married 33 years and together for 36. We both love each other a lot, but in my mind I cannot and will not live the rest of my life like I have the past 7 or 8 years. I try really hard to live one day at a time but at times it can be a minute at a time or a second at a time. Continue with your meetings and share if you want to. I cried so much in the beginning. I consider the ala-anon group my friends. They truly understand how we feel and what we are going through. Take care of you. Keep us posted on how you are doing. Take care, Jenny
I agree with PP as to how you respond to his different scenarios....
as to the meets???? give it time...It will "take" in your head and heart as you go
now...what do you do for you????
Meetings as u r doing....get a sponsor to guide you through the 12 steps, get literature and read up....and post on here, and ALSO...U want real life stories??? surf these posts of ours and you willl feel like you are "home" because you will be able to relate to a lot of us...Some you won't...and that is ok
the big thing is you came here and reached out and asked ???s gr8 start in my books
alanon is about US...not the alkie,but US...how to focus on US...how to take care of US...how to meet our own needs....
I agree w/PP about how you react to the alcoholic....an accident w/a glass window??? call 911, and let the hospital take it from there......if he passes out on teh floor??? put a blanket over him and go off to bed by yourself.....You , of course want to be humane to anyone but also to yourself.....he is doing this to himself...you can not stop it...you cannot control it.....you cannot cure it.....you must detach from his "reaping what he sows" so he will MAYBE learn enough hard lessons to get into his own help w/ the AA
if he does not get help??? well its sad to say that untreated, he will just keep getting more and more sick and closer and closer to his own demise b/c that stuff will eventually take him down....
in the meantime, you can love him with detachment in that you no longer cover for him, you no longer absorb his burdens, you no longer enable him, you let him learn his own hard lessons...
while you work on you...focus on you....re-program your way of thinking and responding.....re-claim yourself as a woman who deserves a happy and healthy life
alanon nver says...leave or stay...that is up to the individual....i notice the ones who have a shot are the ones where HE is in AA and SHE is in alanon....both separate, but still together, working their programs and learning a better way to live.....
good luck and so glad you showed up here.....you are not alone
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
I'm relatively new to this so these are just my own ways of dealing, hope they help.
My way of looking at it is- when he's "off" (drunk, hungover or has been drinking so much that he's awful no matter what) I consider him to be "not here". Instead, that guy who is staggering around or yelling or passed out on the back lawn is a particularly annoying "lodger". So yes, I'd call an ambulance if he was helpless and badly injured but beyond that I try to view him as I would an unsavoury flatmate- what he does isn't my business and I prefer to avoid him. For example I won't call his work and say he's sick if he's passed out and isn't going to get there. I don't try to get him cleaned up or off to bed if he passes out on the floor. I no longer buy him vitamins or healthy foods or shout him trips to specialists hoping that this will spark off a healthier attitude. Or wash his clothes when he's stinky and hasn't changed for days. Or try to make a "plan" with him. I also don't engage and try to pretend to be friendly when he is "jolly" and trying to get me to join the party. Sorry, I'm busy/tired/not interested.
He drove off drunk in my car this morning.
I meditated, made a note to renew my insurance and took a nap. Worrying would have achieved nothing; if he's going to self destruct completely then all I do by interfering is prolong it. One sentence when he got home- if you do that again you lose the privellege of driving my car. The less I react to him or try to "help", the more he seems to believe what I say.
Trying to clean up after him, sort out his messes and save him from himself just gives me an excuse to focus on him instead of myself, and it also gives him the illusion that he can be as irresponsible as he likes, because Superwoman is here watching over him always.
He wont get better without consequences and I won't get better by being his saviour.
You received some of the greatest ESH from the MIP family here that I have ever read and that is saying something since this family has lived it and has become so wise in working there programs. I didn't share as deeply when newcomers would show up until I got to know them a bit and that may be happening where you are and as you keep attending you may notice the change. I just want to say stick with it, it does take time, you didn't get here over night and you won't figure it out that quick either. Keep coming back and try to find lots of al-anon literature to read from your meetings and by asking around, I received lots of great books and information from my group meetings that helped me immensely. Sending you love and support on your journey!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
trying to clean up after him, sort out his messes and save him from himself just gives me an excuse to focus on him instead of myself, and it also gives him the illusion that he can be as irresponsible as he likes, because Superwoman is here watching over him always.
He wont get better without consequences and I won't get better by being his saviour.MELLIE
LOVE this post......what a gr8 description of good ole detachment........let him suffer the karma for his negative deeds...its the only hope he will see he needs help....meantime??? we "rock on" with life on our own...making our own good energy and reaping it back.......FANTASTIC post, Mellie.....Loved reading it
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
There is a book called Getting them Sober by Toby Rice Drew which is an excellent resource on the what ifs.
I don't know that anybody has a manual on what to do when certain things happen if they do I have not seen it yet.
I do know that over a period of years I have learned what other people did when really awful things happened to them. I also know what I did which was generally pretty awkward and difficult and I certainly didn't sail through any situation.
Detachment isn't very easy to do. When we come to al anon generally we are facing the impossible situation. None of us rush in here wanting to deal with pain and fear and anger. Nevertheless with practice it is possible to detach some around very very difficult situations. I can step back now in ways I could not before. Did that happen overnight for me. Certainly not. One practice I did do was to each day write down things I am grateful for. They had to be different each day. That alone helped me tremendously. Of course when a sponsor suggested it I was furious after all I was suffering. That practice helped me to carve out certain times of the day when I wasn't mired in resentment and fear and hopelessness.
Like you I wanted all the answers day one and like you I didn't get them. I am now so glad I did not. There are days when this journey is indeed full of joy and love.
Of course you love your husband and of course you want the best for all of you. Alcoholics do not care who they bring down with them...yes he could die..will you let your soul die along with him? Keep coming back....here is a great big hug for you (((hug)))
