The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Of the many tools alcoholics use to avoid taking responsibility for their own actions: anger, blame, and denial are high on the list. If he had not acted out in front of your mom then you would not have felt the need to explain. We talk in alanon about examining our motives for the actions that we took and owning our part. You could do that with him now. You were tired of pretending to your Mom and could not continue denying the realty that was going on. Since then you have searched out an appropriate support group (alanon) and now have a safe environment to recover.
Please remember that no matter how you explain it or now loving you are, he will continue to hold on to the anger because it has nothing to do with you and is all about his EGO and not accepting responsibility.
Offer your explanation, keep coming here and attending al anon face to face meetings and in time believe that your recovery will be supported as you travel this difficult road.
-- Edited by hotrod on Monday 5th of August 2013 09:06:18 AM
Just remember, Pigeons do what Pigeons do....alcoholics do what alcoholics do. I remember reading a similar post from you a few weeks ago regarding his reaction to a conversation with your brother? He will never run out of blaming and finger pointing...so my question is, how will you transform this for you? Are you going to meetings? We can provide oodles of ESH which will help, however, it is the fervent action on your part to break this cycle for you that will bring you towards serenity regardless of whether or not he blames you for whatever...you will feel strong enough to put up the hand indicating to him "talk to the hand"....then you can walk away in freedom, oh sweet freedom.
-- Edited by PP on Monday 5th of August 2013 09:37:40 AM
So my AH displayed his drinking problem infront of my mom last week (not going to work for 3 days and just drinking home and watching tv, driving to get more booze, etc, though not disturbing anybody, bringing food for lunch for all a few times, not putting tv loud, etc). My mom asked me a lot of questions and I told her the truth, not all, but how often that happens and for how long etc. My mom didnt judge him, at least not to me, she was praying for him, etc. But my AH said that she was giving "face" and basically he is blaming me for telling her things and her for acting so "pure", etc.. I have been hiding the issue from my parents for years, as long as I could. This time around it was just impossible, because it was so obvious and to be honest I was just too frastruated and tired coming up with excuses for AH.
Now AH is acting mad at me for telling everything to my family. I dont know how to react. Did anybody have a similar situation before? Do you guys have any "esh"? Thanks!!!!
Yes....your AH truly knows it's not your fault. He just needs to blame somebody for his guilt. He knows his MIL see's what is happening and you just confirmed it.
My son does it all the time......but won't remember a week later and all is good. One day he's mad and next I love you mom.
Same with husbands or most alcoholics. They suck you in then spit you out..because they hurt for what they do. It's called the merry-go-round of alcoholism.
Let go Let God is what I strive to do every day of my life.
Al-anon will give you the tools to combat it..
((( hugs )))
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Thank you!What would be a better approach now if this subject comes up?
He even said "Not only you opened new avenues, but now when she leaves, either you cut communication with her, you can tell her all about your life everyday if you want, but just not with me around. I will move to another room when she leaves....up to you. I dont need her to know everything about me, so i will have to hide from you."
Should I also talk to my mom and explain and ask her not give faces to my AH or act as f she is better than he is?
One of the best ways we get sucked into our codependency issues is by agreeing to be the middle person in a triangular relationship. Step 1 helps me here when I insert the words: people/places/things. From what I see here, looks to me like the disease is attempting to isolate you from any means of healthy support. Can't tell you what to do here. Can only tell you what I see and what has helped me in the program. At some point, the same thing will probably be asked of you when it comes to attending Al-Anon meetings. The disease doesn't want change. It just wants to keep on its destructive path. Program, program, program. Practice, practice, practice. Increase your meetings if at all possible. On-line meetings, too, if you can't get out.
PP, thank you! For myself i am reading books now and this forum. I will have to go to meetings when my mom leaves in 2 weeks or even later when the baby is born, i really dont have time as I work all day and then take the girls to classes. Now I am trying to spend more time with my mom before she leaves. SO i would probably find more time when either she leaves or the baby is born, so i can go in the earlier meetings.
Meanwhile i am trying to understand a little bit more thru this forum. I am trying to be the most honest to myself and do things for me, trying to learn myself and bring the focus back from AH to myself, I just dont have all the tools and knowledge yet. This weekend we went to New Orleans and allthough my husband had some drinks, it didnt really affect me at all. I actually had a good time and I actualy enjoy our time together.
Sometimes I need a reality check to understand that I am on the right path. I trully didnt tell my mom about AH to hurt him or to make him look bad, or hoping that my mom would do something to change the situation. I did tell her, because it was so obvious and also i couldnt keep up with the lies and excuses.
Always and FOREVER, to thine own self be true. Until you build the muscle of detachment from the things he says (you can look at him as providing a library of opportunities to practice), you will react.....but you don't have to let him know you are reacting inside. Take a pause, walk away, check in with YOUR truth, remind yourself that he is a sick man and what comes out of him is tainted and poisoned until he gets into recovery, which may be never. We can't learn through our minds; we need the experiences. And you absolutely need the experiences of meetings. As grateful said, begin with the online meetings. If you had cancer, would you make time for chemo? We all know how our minds will tell us we don't have time...it is the ego wanting to keep you in a survival mode. It was when I needed to move from survival to thriving that I crammed in what I needed to cram in to save my life. I am way too precious to let somebody else's caca (I so enjoy swearing sometimes, but I won't) get in my way...you can do this!
Your Mom witnessed for herself how he acts and what he drinks not your fault and why do you have to hide anything if he has nothing to be ashamed of. I had to attend face to face meetings and find my sponsor to answer these questions within myself and to get a better understanding of why the A said and did what he did. Glad you found us here at MIP too. Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I would "bet" your mom is NOT really giving him faces. Probably just his own insecurity or guilt. In my opinion he wanted you to continue denying it, right
along with him. Good for you for sharing it with your mom and, Wow, completely impressed that your mom did not make you feel worse by
talking about him in a negative manner.
In my case, no matter how much my AH provides and is able to continue "living" she still has something to say. So-- I'm happy for you that you have a support system that
does not make you feel pulled in all directions.
I would listen to your husbands "issues" and "complaints" and just let them float right through/by me. That is just noise from a sick person. Don't doubt yourself or your mom. It's HIS alcoholism and HIS craziness and attempts at controlling you to elicit more enabling. You are probably not used to challenging him but for me, i would be the one to say "I am not hearing any more of this. You don't want people knowing about your destructive drinking, get into recovery. It's not my job or anyone elses to cover for you. This is not about me ratting you out, it's about you having a problem and not being willing to enter into recovery." Then I would walk away and refuse to listen to more bullcrap, excuses, and attempts at manipulation and control.
All that focus he has on you telling people, you doing this, you doing that, your mom doing this and that...who cares? It's just noise and mud slinging to distract from the obvious issue which is HIS ALCOHOLISM.
Venera, with more alanon behind you, you will get better at handing him back his own disease. It's not about you. This doesn't mean you are perfect and always do the right thing but he is the last person to listen to when it comes to what is right and wrong in dealing with his disease. He's the one with the MOST WARPED and least objective viewpoint.
You just posted how wonderful you felt telling your mom and getting that support. Now you are allowing him and his illness to take you hostage again and make you question yourself. Please stop. Do what is right for you. He is going to do whatever he's gonna do. He already holes up and tries to hide what's going on so his threat to "hide things from you" is ridiculous. I might also be inclined to say "You can live in shame and lies about what's going on. It's not healthy, but I choose not to do that." As far as him saying "I don't tell people all about you!" I might respond to that with "If you feel like you need to in order to get support...go right ahead." Don't fall for the ploys if you can avoid it.
This is also about setting boundaries and sometimes standard answers work well. Attempts to guilt and manipulate over sharing "his shameful secret" can be met with "This is not about me needing to keep your secrets so you can keep drinking. You can always choose recovery if you don't like the natural consequences that occur as a result of your alcoholism. People will find out and I can't stop that for you, nor should I have to. I love you and that is all."
Easier said than done I know, but my point is that the alcoholic/addict will constantly try to shove the disease and it's consequences off on you. Hand it back to them or else you will be living in the same prison of addiction as they are.
Your husb by his behavior is the one who let the cat out of the bag . so don't take on the guilt he is trying to lay on you. For everyone s sake I found life was easier if I didn't share what was going on with my marriage . our parents want us to be happy and of course they worry . I reassured my parents that I was choosing to stay In my marriage as I was finding help in Al-Anon and I asked them to just support my decision. I learned to talk my feelings out with a trusted Al-Anon member some one who understands exactly how I feel and passes no judgment , offers no advice . I was told a practicing alcoholic has no anonymity, the only person who dosent see his drinking as a problem is him . Louise
....then you can walk away in freedom, oh sweet freedom.