It has been a "Rough" return to program...I saw some old negative stuff try and sneak in a return....Since my return, I have had to battle w/some stubborn old patterns that came back....Then Got sick w/ a horrible attack of IBS....THEN yesterday, my friends and I who rescue horses together, networking, trying to raise bail and donations, we lost a beautiful paint mare....she is headed for slaughter.....I cratered....I cried last night, had NOBODY to turn to, it was just "one of those things", sisters were both out...co-sponsor is in NH visiting her daughter.....friends in bed b/c its a work night

SO..I thought ya know??? I can post here, but it may take until the next DAY for anyone to see my SOS for comfort AND there is no guarantee anyone is gonna be able to relate

SO..yesterday evening was a big test...."how is Neshema gonna take care of Neshema???"

last night, when I should have been in bed, I knew I had to do some "self care".....I played my Sharon Salzberg meditation cd and I followed through the meditation....breathing, being mindful of my breath....at times I wanted to cry over the lost horse, and I did tear up...I did let the emotions and sadness wash over me...I didnt' fight it.....And I am breathing in and out...in and out...feeling the warm air with the box fans blowing go in my nose....feeling the air of the fans brush over my body....breathing in and out

then I did some leg lifts in bed, on my back...left leg..lift, let it down...feel the muscles go in sync with the movement...feel the air blowing accross my leg, over my foot

I did the whole meditation....and then??? filled the bathtub w/nice cool to warm soapy water and I soaked.....listening to the bubbles in the bath  kinda "pop" ...miss pitbull came in and checked up on me a few times and I glanced at her but kept feeling the soothing water....listening to whats around me....feeling my sorrow over the sad evening....

later, I made a banana and soy and soy meal (vanilla soy meal)  shake and I sipped it and told myself not to worry about the late hour b/c I would be "ok" to go to work

I gave over my sorrow and feeling like a failure to my program and my power most high within me...I allowed myself to feel...whatever emotion came up, I allowed it and embraced it....

at about 12am, I did some deep breathing again, with some boring movie on the computer and I crashed out  asleep

I took care of me...I did not stuff or deny or fight my feelings...I did not stifle my tears....I did nurture my body....

Today I worked...Good day...almost cried when I told my boss about the evening and the lost horse, and he was extra sweet to me....gave me $7 in quarters for my "pool" escape b/c it takes 6 quartes or a buck and a half (I use the quarters) ...He knew I wasn't quite on my game today....and he cared and he asked....I told him the truth w/out getting carried away with it and he was very sweet to me...so was his son....They are good people.....Now that I am not afraid to be vulnerable and not afraid to say  "I am in pain...my heart hurts"   I receive more love

this after noon, after work,  I actually felt like getting the car safety inspected, it passed, then went to the pool...It was a slow day....I almost had the pool to myself, it was great....I swam...did exercises under water....swam laps...practiced all my strokes...

Now I am feeling better....I prioritized me and took care of me......

Thanks for listening....