Found out what happen to my son - Al-Anon Family Group

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Found out what happen to my son

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

First got a text message of somebody with a really broken face. No nose, chin and two black eyes. That be my son.

I then got the call......crying still getting sober and lost in his alcoholism. So sad and pitiful. Just got out of the hospital

I asked about him going to the ranch and he proceeded to tell my his story ( lying ) about why this and why that. I just got upset and told him I loved him and call me when he gets a job.

I had to just cry it out when I got off the phone with him.

PS: He said he is NOT drinking.....I just can't comprehend the minds of a alcoholic

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I am so sorry you are having to deal with this, it does sound like you are in the heat of it for sure. Do something nice for yourself this evening and dive into your recovery to keep from boarding the crazy train. I am sending you much love and support!

tiredtonite · Member

I'm sorry Cathy. It's got to be even harder to detach these days when phone are equipped with photos. These last few weeks have been especially hard on you. I hope you can get away for a little bit this weekend to somewhere outdoors that gives you peace and just mentally regroup. I hope your son surrenders very soon. Please keep taking good care of yourself. Hugs! TT

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

I am so sorry Cathy. I do so understand your pain

In my thoughts

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Oh Cathy my heart breaks for you I'm soooo sorry .. you are describing my stbax .. that was him in Feb of this year. I just can't imagine if this was my child .. sending you so much love and support.

Hugs P

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

The disease will push every button you've got. Keep working your program, Cathy. And shed tears are often a big part of this program. I'm sorry, Cathy. I feel so much empathy for you and compassion for your son. So much love and support being sent your way as you do what you need to do for you. We're here with you and for you.

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

Be strong Cathy,

Stick to your boundaries. You need the program more than ever. Try not to ask too many questions of him. Don't set yourself up . Did he send you the photo? He is still trying to manipulate the situation.

Stick with your HP, that will bring you peace and serenity.

Hugs, Bettina

Highlyfavored · Senior Member

Saying a prayer for you and your son!

Gettingitright!!

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Cathy)))...cunning, powerful, baffling, powerless, unmanagable, insane compulsion of the mind and allergy of the body...remember all of this and more. Finish up with the 3 cees and the Serenity Prayer. My own son called me once and told me that he and his friend thought they needed to rescue a gal by taking on a gang of Mexican Vatos in the South East side of Fresno. He was calling from the hospital and I listened and after the silence of him running out of story to tell I asked him kindly and honestly, "So what is it that you think I can do anything about"? The answer was beyond obvious and after he said "nothing" I said "We'll talk later" and hung up nicely. I was powerless before the phone rang and all during his choices and outcomes. The outcomes were his and mine were peace of mind and serenity. God and the doctors and the hospital were much more better equipped to handle the wounds of his and his friend. Let go always. Hope your boy bumps into a real good AA member and that it wakes him up. (((((hugs))))) smile

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Cathy: I saw a gal today who had been clean and sober for 5 years, then relapsed. The results of that crash and binge drinking was immediate and horrendous. No one expected she'd make it based on things that occurred the state of her health. I haven't seen her in more than 5 years or heard anything about her when I saw her on the streets. She looked beautiful. She was healthy although she now walks with a limp. In fact, she looked radiant. No matter what you see today - you can't count on it. We just don't get to see anything beyond today. Yesterday is gone. Again - sending much love and support.

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

We should bronze your response Jerry and freeze it in time and pull it out and remind ourselves.

Wonderful wisdom, I'm still needing it , more today than ever.

Thank you, thank you!

I think you visited me in spirit the other nite....I'm not joking, do you have white hair and a beard?? He was
definitely Hawaiian....

Hugs, Bettina

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

((((((((((((((((((Cathy)))))))))))))))))))) I am speachless, I feel soo badly for you.....I really like your sweetness and honesty and sure hope things get better.....

Detachment is sooo hard, but oh so necessary.......sending you BIG hugs and PEACE energy

LeenieBeanie · Senior Member

(((Cathy)))

I am so sorry to hear this. Detaching is the most difficult thing I have ever done as a Mom. You are strong and an inspiration. PLEASE take care of yourself this weekend. Sending you much love and support ....

LB

DavidG · ~*Service Worker*~

blankstare Be strong, Cathy... aww

oldergal · Senior Member

Cathy you did all the right things....you kept your composure, you were calm and said you loved him, and then hung up...no one could have done it better. But I have learned NOT TO ASK QUESTIONS, as much as I wanted to, it draws you in for arguments or back talk, you don't want to go there. NO we don't understand the alcoholic, because we are not insane. Although crying hurts it's the most natural and stress relieving thing there is. Now is a good time to be around people and share your feelings, don't be alone. Yes your working your program even if it hurts. You WILL get through this Cathy ...

in support Oldergal

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

oldergal wrote:
Cathy you did all the right things....you kept your composure, you were calm and said you loved him, and then hung up...no one could have done it better. But I have learned NOT TO ASK QUESTIONS,

oh yea NO questions and I really don't give a response....Like no response to them....my A brother slips and 4gets and calls me drunk and I dont' even engage w/him....I tell him someone is at the door and I gotta go

his last crisis was his equip. and tools were going to auction b/c he was behind in his rent....I sat on the phone and said hardly anything....I didn't ask....didn't say a word, except the very end that "well this is your problem to deal with" and I wished him good luck , scraping up the money to pay his rent......the less I say to an alkie or a narkie or anyone w/abusive, dysfunctional tendencies....the better it is.....I used to have to have the last word....Now I don't care.....Peace ...No matter what I have to do to have it

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

He is hurting.....the picture was bad....his face is bad. I don't know what will happen in the next few days but I do know I will be attending meetings ( one tonight ) finding a sponsor ( hopefully Tuesday at my home group) and praying for HP to help me through this.

He needs to be out of his apartment today so what will happen next I will pray he will be OK. I pray he seeks the help crawling into AA. He can cry in pain and hurt to someone that can truly help him if he wants it. Maybe just maybe he is hurting enough.

One thing he said to me " This is getting old for you and me isn't it and I bet your done" I said yep!

I pray I don't lose him....

I'm heartbroken, crying and worried sick but I'm not in a position to come to his aide, support or enabling one bit. There I'm strong.

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Cathyinaz wrote:
..

I'm heartbroken, crying and worried sick but I'm not in a position to come to his aide, support or enabling one bit. There I'm strong.

I know you are and all I can say is the exercises I suggested on your other post...shoudl have put it here, but look at your other post, I had some ideas....the bottom line is you gotta let him go and you are doing it......this is his ONLY hope for getting help....Letting him hit the old bottom.......and you BET you are strong....I really am proud of your program work......You really inspire me to keep on keepin on.......HUGS

Gaby · Senior Member

I am praying so very much to our higher power.. For you and for your son.. He's tired of living this way and knows in his heart of heart he is tired of putting you through all that he has. If he said that there is hope for him he is reaching very hard for that rope to pull him in to get the help he truly wants. You are not alone. I too have a son and he was running a muck not caring who he hurt and what problems it created. Sure he is now getting help, but the pain is still there the memories are hard to forget. My son started at a young age and for the 3 years I thought he was clean and sober he confessed to me recently that he had some slip ups and I was so proud of him that I did not ever notice. He tells me that is how us addicts are good about things, I asked him how is this time going to be different?? He said this time you need to worry about you and my little sister and let me walk with god and he will guide me. He said I'm here getting the help I've been crying for and have not left yet as I did the last two times. So please know there is hope and with hope comes faith.. Many prayers to you. You are not alone. ~ God bless ~

oldergal · Senior Member

Cathy you are doing so much on this board today, thank you. There are so many on here who we havent met and are experiencing the same thing you are, and when you write about it and bare your soul you are giving them courage. Your suffering is not in vain. I hope that this is at least a little consolation. Oldergal

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Sister...we are in this together with you on your journey and our own and HP abides us all...all the time. The tools of the program, patience, loyalty, courage, humility, dedication, persistence, fellowship and more make this a walk of thousands. We all go thru this together and at times in the very same place...sometimes a bit behind and sometimes up front a bit ahead and that is what it is...."It is what it is" and from Dr. Paul on page 449 of the 3rd Edition of AA's Big Book..."...and acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation-some fact of my life-unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accet that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake. (and he goes on) Until I could ac cept my alcoolism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes".

I was in Al-Anon at my home group face to face meeting when one of our member repeated this from the Big Book and while I had a reaction to AA literature in my meeting I was in a bad way because my alcoholic/addict wife was in trouble again and I with her. I wasn't free of the pain...I was stuck until that member read these words out loud. Isn't is amazing that often the light goes on in the darkness of our spirits just at the right time and we get it and we relax because we stop fighting it.

Your son knows and now he knows that he knows and again this begins the most painful part of drinking...drinking against the desire to be not drinking...sober. It was insane for me to put the bottle down and say "I quit" and then pick it up again and walk away with it. It was insane for me to hide my bottles to keep them away from people I loved and cared for because I cared more for the bottle and the instant fulfillment of the promise it held for me. When I was done...I was done and I walked away still standing and breathing and I never went back again and because I left the bottle and the wife and didn't turn around again it was a God thing and I was in acceptance. You can watch...don't stare is one of the alerts I got from the old timers and then I stopped watching and only used memories...good ones. Stay the course...keep bringing your hands back down from holding him up to your HP without him still there. In support. (((((hugs))))) smile

AngelicH57 · Senior Member

Bless your heart {{{{{Cathy }}}}

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

(((((((((((Cathyinaz))))))))))) I am loving how much you are being loved on in the midst of this and that is why I love nad am part of our MIP family! I am still praying and sending more love and support to you Cathyinaz!

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Cathy I used to be very bad with money. It was not for bad reasons, but I had to learn. Instead of paying bill first I would get food, material to make my kids cloths, dog food, whatever. Nothing extravagant. But then I would realized how much I spent and have to freak out how to pay the power etc. I had some realllllllly hard times of being scared. It was so dumb. But I did it over and over for years. I hate money.

I am not sure how it happened but I got so sick of being stressed out and scared I decided ugh never again. Now i will even see a plant, I don't need and think well that five bucks buy some grain. Or I think ok I have not had french fries for months, so plan to stop and gettem and think, nope I can buy a lot of potatoes for that amount. but I am telling you I had to hit a place inside me that was so bad, that I never wanted to go there again to change. It's been many, many years back but I still remember how awful it was.

He may be the kind of person who needs to really, really get sick and beat up to see he does not want to live like he is. Hey I knew a guy who loved to fight! He looked for a fight.Some A's like to fight for the high of it.Some look at porn, some gamble. Just becuz one is not drinking does not mean they are not still playing the game of finding something to get them out of their reality.

I know you must be afraid. I would be too! My son is like me and hates meds. Went off his anti depressants. He feels awful. Says now he sees reality. I said you always saw it, but on meds you were able to accept it and figure out how to fix things. I miss hearing him laugh. I do know how much you love your son. believe me.

I still gotta give mine to my hp. sigh. hugs dear lady, you are not alone. love,debilyn

wornoutmrsfixit · Senior Member

I am so sorry to hear this. I missed some of your recent posts because the last I had read he was going to a ranch to stay and work. It had sounded so promising. Will pray for you both.

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

Lifting you up in prayer, and sending you so many hugs, Cathy!

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

I will stay the course my friends. You all have helped me so much.

It's the middle of the night...I'm drinking my morning coffee, reading posts here and wrote a little in my journal. Maybe I can get a little more sleep wake up and start my day without so much worry and heartache.

This crisis is just one of many before it just a little more final. This letting go is harder on me, something new, something I have never done before. This is like saying goodbye my son, pray I will see you again someday. I have lifted him up and have given him over to my HP.

Crying again but I have accepted this.... I have let go

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I understand this, Cathy. Much, much support as you lean on HP, your program, MIP. Self-care today, may be the absolute last thing you'll want to do. Try to remember don't get too HALT. I'm gone for the day, but will be checking in tonight.

Sweet Stanley · ~*Service Worker*~

((((Cathyinaz))))). Thinking of you and your son today, praying for both of you. You are doing great. All we can do is to set our boundaries and pray to our HP to help our loved ones. The only thing that we can control is ourselves. Wishing for peace for you....

WorkingThroughIt · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Cathy

It is a very destructive disease. Your post made me think of how when I was drinking I would call my father late at night from some barroom in an unsafe neighbourhood and talk excitedly as I got high...I would tell my father I met someone who knows him and blah blah blah...disgusting. He was too polite to say anything. One day he finally did yell at me because he was so upset...he told me those phone calls were disgusting...we were both embarrassed for me.

He was right of course.

That was so long ago and I was young, naive, and immature...I was totally asleep spiritually and in complete denial.

In AAs Big Book in the chapter for Step 12, "Working With Othera", it says about the new man: "Remember they are very sick." If you've never read that book I highly suggest it...it will help you understand his disease.

Drinking: Why would he give up something he loves more than anything else, even himself? He hates it but feels he cannot do without it.

HOWEVER: all reason is gone. He has lost control over his right to choose to drink or not drink.

Remember he he is very sick. No judgment, just wise decisions for yourself and him and for all concerned.

Thank goodness you have a program.

May God bless you and him both.

Oh. One other thing here if may: his "job" right now is recovery. God will take care of everything else if he gets to AA.

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

My son will not commit to recovery in AA. He starts and he quits thinking it's not for him..

I have let go and let God take over.....I pray for strength and courage to do this for me and him.

I care so I will do the work. I will not kill him by coming to his rescue anymore.

Two Step · Member

Cathyinaz wrote:
My son will not commit to recovery in AA. He starts and he quits thinking it's not for him..

I have let go and let God take over.....I pray for strength and courage to do this for me and him.

I care so I will do the work. I will not kill him by coming to his rescue anymore.

My son is the same way. He went to a meeting about a month ago and blamed everyone for his problems. I too will not come to his rescue anymore. I will be testifying against him in court at the end of the month. I intend to tell the DA when I meet him the week before that our argument was about his drug use and that is why he blew up. I have supported him for far too long and given up more than 10 years or my life. I take responsibility for that and am now working on taking care of me. I have choices and my choice is to live my life and let him live his without me.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

I know many long term recovering people...both men and women who held out until they could not hold out any longer and then....God got them anyway and they are in the rooms. Thank you God. (((hugs))) smile

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

Your right on that one Jerry.... God will get them in the end no matter which way it gos.

Gailey · ~*Service Worker*~

My son was one that always said AA was not for him. He was still not ready. Finally, he was! Thankfully, he walked into a meeting where there was a lot of Oldtimers. They immediately took him under their wings. That night after the meeting they called one of the oldtimer sponser and told him that they had a kid up here who was really broken. My son met him the next day. I'm not sure that if it didn't happen the way it did he would have kept going but HP was definately at work here. He has been in recovery 2 years last month and still attends meetings daily if he can. He loves AA!

The first time I stepped out of HP's way and my son knew I was not going to help him with the mess he was in is when he found recovery. I literally had to leave town because it was all I could do to not come to his rescue again. I gave him to HP that day.

Give him to his HP. He is the only One that can help him now.

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

I promise you Gailey.....I promise all of you I will let go this time..

Crying..

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I always picture setting my loved AH into the extra large loving hands of God and knowing I can not do any better handling, controlling or dealing with him. I still have a hard time, but I am taking good care of me and praying he learns to take good care of himself. I cushioned him from his bottom long enough and have wrung myself out about it for the last time. My health, serenity and life need to be good for me and I deserve to not live in misery merely surviving day to day and so do you! Sending you much love and support!

John · ~*Service Worker*~

Just another SuperSize hug being sent your way Cathy. I too have seen that picture. You sure its not on the internet so they can pass it around so parents like us will finally break down and go back to oour old fixin' rescuin' ways, that never worked?

It broke my heart to see it and I know it is breaking yours too... however, I must admit the last thing he needed was me, and surely the last thing I needed was him. He is right where he belongs, lickin' his own wounds and we are right were we belong.... here.

John

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