The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I learned that I often abused myself by allowing others to hurt me. It still happens - at least on an emotional level - and the rug sometimes gets pulled from beneath me. But I've learned, too, that I don't need to let the abuse continue. I show up for guidance. HP shows me what to do.
Just this week, a trusted friend pulled the rug out from under me. It took me almost a day to work that through. When I got through it without giving her a dime when she'd handed me a nickel or striking back at her, I realized that although I had been pleasant and kind with her, I also would end the relationship there on that day in my own heart and mind. HP did the talking. I pretty much did the listening. Then, I did what I needed to do for me.
When I first started recovery, if I had made a promise to somebody - no matter what they did - I'd stay with them. After recovery, I've learned to look for my part in the hurt, do what I need to do to help myself keep from striking back or being re-injured with HP's guidance, and walk away in my mind and heart from those whose ideas of a healthy relationship don't match my own.
I am no longer loyal to a promise, a person, a program or an experience that is abusive to me. That doesn't mean that I don't feel hurt or misunderstood in some relationships every once in awhile. It does mean that when I'm hit hard and it takes me hours or days to recover, that is not a healthy relationship for me. I move on as gently and as shrewdly as I can with HP's guidance.
Those Al-Anon meetings and a good sponsor will help you continue to grow and to have happiness in your life. I'm glad you've chosen recovery.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Friday 2nd of August 2013 07:48:16 PM
I been to every meeting this week. I'm working hard . My Sponser can't guide me anymore things have taken place on her side and can't work with me. I'm now on my own. My 9 month ah husband moved back I'm the house . He is better he wants to help me get better soon. Before he told me he was moving back in he stated he was lonely and wanted a friend and asked me if it be ok if he did things with another female in his meeting. Ex given . He was looking for a friend to spend time with and to go hiking and walks and movies with. This was might nice of him to ask how I felt.. Giving the situation that he has had 2 affairs on me and interfered with my well being and killed me during his 4/5 step of his inventory and did mine to. Not standing by the home Boundarys . Help me let this go . !! I'm so hurt that all I been threw in the recovery and I'm far from getting better, trust is gone I'm hanging on to hope the best I can . But I'm upset that he would even ask or say that to me. He stated that its just till I can find out who I am and I get better and able to accept him back as a partner and husband . What am I doing wrong????? I'm self reading I'm attend many meetings face 2 face and waiting for my high power to show up, I'm praying I'm asking for help to let go of this illness and I feel like I'm still alone and I been easily replaced because I'm not in recovery . I'm open for any help I can get at this point any suggestions and I won't take it in a QTIP way.. My fears are here and real and I'm in a fog my mind see nothing but bottles being tossed at me .
I'm so sorry your continuing to go through this without much help at this point. Like me it's time to find another sponsor and keep moving forward to get that help WE need.
I feel you AH is going in another direction than you. No husband would say or do what he has asked you. Not good is my thought. Also whatever you want from him might not happen. You can't control him, you can cure him and you didn't cause his drinking or desires to go in another direction with life.
All the meetings and posting in the world will not help until you except: That you are powerless over him.
I pray you find the strength and courage to move forward and he will come along. But if not you can do it and live a good life. That's what we all strive for.
(((( hugs ))))
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Sounds like your really going thru it. I have been there, including the affairs, and mine went a step further and had
two children , twins with another woman. Your husband is out of touch with reality and too far gone into his disease.
Do you really realize he has a disease and cannot meet your expectations??
I'm kind of curious as to how you knew information off his inventory??
Detachment would really help at this time. Don't you want this burden off your shoulders?. Practice detachment
and feel the load come off. You are still too attached to his world. The world of chaos and destruction and insanity.
Would any sane husband ask you if he could spend time with another woman.?
Please practice detachment and letting go and letting God. Trust in that if you can.
I am so very sorry that you are experiencing this painful part of recovery. It certainly does sound as if detachment is definitely the most important thing for you to do at this point . I have heard detach--detach " with an ax" if you cannot detach with love. Meaning to take care of yourself and your emotions and do so even if it requires that you close the door on the relationship for a while.
Please search out another sponsor , attend meetings, make alanon calls and most importantly look within and see how you feel about this arrangement that he suggests. If you cannot accept his going on walks and hikes with other ladies I would verbalize this as well.
Lois, the founder of alanon, stated in one of her talks that a sponsor is a "trusted friend". That is it. She is not a miracle maker, not a witch, not a fairy, not anything more than someone that understands alanon and therefore understands you and your situation. And she is your friend....and trusted!!! Ask someone out for coffee...or a hot dog or hamburger. Talk to them. Don't worry about the formalities.
Your hubby can't help you work the program. You don't want him there. You clearly can't trust him and he is not your friend right now. You need the distance between you that you had before. Maybe you can live in separate parts of the house if you can't keep him out altogether. You do not need to talk to him. You do not need to hear what he has to say. That pqrt you wrote about his 4th step puzzles me too.
I feel you AH is going in another direction than you. No husband would say or do what he has asked you. Not good is my thought. Also whatever you want from him might not happen. You can't control him, you can cure him and you didn't cause his drinking or desires to go in another direction with life.
All the meetings and posting in the world will not help until you except: That you are powerless over him.
(((( hugs ))))
I have to go with Cathy on this one...I see him wanting the pie and the cake too....nice lil wifey at home so he can have his fun with other gals, if I read your post right
I also think that yes, you are doing your program, but are you really WORKING it???? what does step one say ?? I am POWERLESS over xxxxxxxxxxxx (person/place/thing) and I know I cannot control, cure or change xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx (person/place/thing) Until we really really accept step one, we may as well just shovel against the tide, b/c the old need to change, fix, control, will always be there
sorry you lost your sponsor, but a sponsor is only a guide....not a miracle maker.....YOU have to work this out for YOU......now this AH has messed you over before, why do you think things are gonna change???? what sustained good "fruit" has he shown???? and wanting to do stuff w/ other girls, WTH????...
Until you decide to detach from him, disconnect from the craziness and work on you as tho he didn't exist, its not gonna change...b/c YOU aren't changing...
nothing changes if nothing changes and I can only change me......
Everyone on here gave you good takes on what they would do.....I hope U come to the place where you are willing to let him go to his own devices and you decide to SAVE YOU!!!!
Please keep up with the meets, and the 12 steps...I sense that step one is not engrained in you yet and that is your first gateway to freedom........PEACE
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
From the posts I've read from you, your A sounds like he's always wanting you to change so he can be happy. And he's expecting you to change in ways that do not sit well with you at all. "Honey, I want you to not mind if I take another woman out on dates." (A man going hiking, having dinner, seeing the movies with a woman... yeah those are dates, and his past behaviors show that this is most certainly not a platonic friendship.)
It rubs me the wrong way when I hear about spouses treating eachother this way - especially because it sounds like your A likes to create situations where he can then turn around and blame you and then try to convince you there's something wrong with YOU - not him. Not ever him. It's just you.
I hope you know he's wrong. Yes, you have your own issues -- we all do, as Al-Anons -- but the stuff he's trying to pin on you is not your responsibility.
When my exAH was cheating on me, one time I asked him flat out... "How would you feel if I asked you to be okay with my going out and dating and sleeping with other men?" Of course he would have none of it. Yet for whatever reason it was perfectly okay if he did it. That's what I call crazy-making.
I hope you can find yourself another sponsor soon. In the meantime, keep hitting those face-to-face meetings, and maybe spend some fellowship time with members after the meetings, too. You can find more friends that way and maybe meet someone who could be your sponsor.
Remember that you are enough, Ms. And that you deserve happiness in your life. You have a right to it just like anyone else.
I wanted to add that when my exAH started asking for my permission for crazy stuff, I would tell him, "You're an adult. That's your decision." and leave it at that. This would remove me from becoming the convenient scapegoat once again.
First I want to acknowledge how great I think it is that you're taking your recovery seriously by going to a lot of meetings in the absence of having a sponsor right now. As far as your husband, it took time for the marriage to get to this place and so I would keep my expectations low concerning him. If his behavior and choices are unacceptable, you can still carry yourself with pride, dignity and respect. You are your own woman first and his second and you get to choose whether you want to be his woman at all. Maybe consider this.... Does your husband deserve to walk beside you considering the way he is talking and acting toward you. It could be a lonely walk for you. No need to put yourself under a microscope this way. No need to ask "What am I doing wrong?" You are not causing his behavior. Your husband is in AA. He's corked the bottle but is he working a program? Getting honest after having two affairs might include an amends to you, forgiveness and working towards a healthier, happy marriage instead asking permission to sniff out other women in the rooms of AA so he can say you told him he could go. You don't deserve this. Your boundary is reasonable. The responsibility is his to choose his wife. It may hurt you but if this is the best he can do with being in recovery, you're not missing out on much. Keep coming back. Keep respecting and loving yourself, you're worth it. TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
I am no longer loyal to a promise, a person, a program or an experience that is abusive to me. That doesn't mean that I don't feel hurt or misunderstood in some relationships every once in awhile. It does mean that when I'm hit hard and it takes me hours or days to recover, that is not a healthy relationship for me. I move on as gently and as shrewdly as I can with HP's guidance.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Friday 2nd of August 2013 07:48:16 PM
OH did I get this tossed at me, big time....bio abusive sister whom I had to completely cut out of my life, threw the "bio family loyalty" thing at me in an email and I refused to answer it...to give her audience, to give her validation....I am no longer loyal, either to your above mentioned list that is abusive or dangerous to me....I am learning to put me and my mental and physical safety FIRST.....
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
I wanted to respond to this because the guy I was with for five years that I just stopped talking to last Saturday asked me the same thing, could he find someone just to talk to and nothing more just a friend and you know the whole time we were together he lied and cheated, well he talked to other girls and to me I honestly think more things happened and for him to ask me that was a smack in my face. I said why in the hell would you need to find another girl to be friends with? This should be a time for you to get your life together. A time for you to reflect on how bad you treated me and how much trust I have lost in you over the years. It literally blew my mind... I honestly wanted to kill him. However I just wanted to respond.
