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I am really scared to even post this here. I have no idea what kind of response I will get. But because this has always been a safe place to share, I want to put this on the board.
For those who don't know I broke up with my Abf a month ago, and I really worked my program for 9 mo. prior to that-- so I could get to that point of exhaustion/detachment with his disease. It was my decision for me. I had enough. The following month was torture, but day by day I rebuilt myself into a hopeful, somewhat stable, and peaceful person again. My true self was "showing through." He was great for me as a partner and match in life, but as a package deal with alcoholism he was not.
I went away for a two week job, and when I came home he told me he was going to kill himself. I ignored it, although it was the first time he'd said that...I have known him for years. later that night I was urged by a friend to take it seriously, and I called him to make sure he was ok. I could tell he had actually been serious - and I told him that I needed to confirm he was ok otherwise I would need to get some help or take him somewhere. He said he was ok.
A few days went by and he started saying again very suicidal things. At which point I told his best friend. My only response to him was: we can go to some meetings together if you want. He agreed. That night within an hour , we were at an aa meeting, one that he frequented for a few months. Today I woke up still dealing with the breakup and facing real emotions of grief and anger, and resentment at the abuse of this disease on me those years we were together, and also realizing he is at least willing to go back and sit in that chair to see me for even that hour. Kind of crazy. Tonight he told me he is going to look up a meeting tomorrow for us to go to, and after we can sit in the park.
Going to this meeting was really eye opening for ME..? I realized how deeply rooted this disease is IN their brain, and how triggers are really scary for them. And what WE are up against when we think we can control, or cure this disease. WOW. They really have to WANT IT. Anyway, my therapist said its not that bad if he is willing to go, even if he is still drinking and it is just so he can see me. get the mind there and the body will follow she said. works in al anon, works for them. Him and I found shares we both related to, and it made me go back to a f2f meeting today in al-anon. My home.
I can't imagine where this is going, or how it will play out.. I just have been praying to my higher power that I will be strong and he will find sobriety. I only offered this in that moment because it seemed ok deep inside of me. not sure where it is leading and just wanted to share.
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Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies.
I attend open AA meetings on a regular basis it's part of my healing and program. AA is my compassion fuel and Alanon as my detachment fuel. It helps me remember there is a real person I'm dealing with under the disease. So glad you have found something positive to take away from the situation. Hugs p ;)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
One step at a time, sometimes one hour at a time. Sounds like you have some support in place. Be careful, though. If he truly wants recovery, he will go without you...having you at his side will become another addiction and could be an addiction for you, as well. Practice good discernment and detachment. If you don't have a sponsor, find one asap. I hope your therapist is well versed in providing counsel for addictions. I understand your hesitation to share this post; this is always a safe place, though. I would look at the hesitation and unravel its roots. When I have been hesitant to share, I want to do my recovery my way, which does not always match up with the way my HP has in place for me Take good care...(((hugs)))
Your therapist might be right about it being good for him to go to a meeting regardless of how he gets there. However, that doesn't mean it's good or healthy for you. You already determined you wanted to break up with him, and I'd caution to be careful not to just get sucked in by manipulative ploys. You do not have to be the one to save him, hold his hand, make sure he doesn't commit suicide.... In fact, you are probably the person that it is least healthy to do this for him.
So...for the purpose of alanon and for you: It's not about what's good for him. It's about what's good for you. He will or will not get sober, go to meetings, improve on his mental health or spiral down with our without you. Careful to not get sucked back into a codependent manipulative caretaking situation again where you are playing fix it to a sick person and clinging to hopes of them changing...yet again. Isn't that old behavior for you?
If you want to go to AA meetings for yourself, I'd suggest going on your own as Pushka does even though she's not an identified alcoholic. She does it for her and that's just fine. Getting someone to their 1st meeting is okay but they are grown and can figure out a way on their own from there.
What pink said is true 100% I did what is happening with you. I was taking my stbax to meetings. There are people, men specifically who will take new male members to meetings. He needs to work the program for himself. Its that whole staying on my side of the street and what is my business and not my business. His recovery is not my business. My recovery fully my business. The AA lit and shares help my recovery .. I have to remove myself fully from stbax's recovery or non recovery in my case his behavior directly effects our kids and their safety that is my boundary.
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I know when my exAH decided to try and kill himself, the best I could do was contact the police and report him as a person in danger.
I had to be careful in my own recovery to not fall for manipulative behaviors from the A. Although when my exAH attempted suicide, he was extremely serious about it and was not using it as a tool to get me to do what he wanted. He didn't tell me he was going to do it, I just figured it out on my own.
He manipulated me via other routes, however... typically through threats to end our relationship or guilting me. He knew how to push all my buttons to get what he wanted. When I started attending Al-Anon and working the program, that was when I slowly stopped falling for the manipulations.
Hi,
I went to a few aa meetings with the hubby in the beginning but I sure didnt like them. They triggered some real rage and resentment in me. I have heard others from alanon say the same. To sit there and listen to them so matter of factly and sometimes with humor recount incidents that to me as the recipient of that action didn't see the humor and only felt anger and fear.... well, didn't do me much good.
Be careful. Take care of yourself. Don't be manipulated.
thank you for your support. My therapist specializes in addiction for over 40 years. She is well versed in helping relatives of A. I was sick of his nonsense when I left, but not ready to leave as I could feel inside before ,during and after. however sometimes we just burst like balloons. So I tried to make the best of it and move forward. In doing that I guess we arrived at this as the only possible compromise as I will not go back to what it was, and he is willing to settle for anything and told me he knows he is at fault for it. I just offered it as I missed him, but also could only handle seeing him for an hour anyway b/c i am working out my own anger and resentments after escaping the relationship. He realizes and accepts that. I don't expect anything from him in terms of sobriety and we dont talk about what he should be doing. Frankly I don't care to ask and the hour I do spend with him on select days in AA is for me as well to see him when I miss him, to remember he has a disease as I hear people say about themselves, and to take 1 day at a time and be okay with this for now as the only thing I feel like doing when it comes to us. I think of it as I am going to support a friend, and beyond that is his business. Meanwhile I go to al-anon, meditate, and have been telling myself that I should continue to move forward. I even went on a date. :) it was ok. If he starts to go on his own, and becomes sober great, if not thats the way the cookie crumbles and I have made strides in moving forward for myself which was no loss at all. In the end, the suicidal stuff whether manipulative or not didnt bother me b/c I did not compromise my own feelings to help him. I just did what I morally felt was right, and didnt fuss over it afterwards.
I really asked my HP to bring me to a place , and him to a place with this where we could have a chance of getting somewhere, but I did not know a month or two months ago how that would come about or what would happen. I just prayed every day, worked the program, and looking back I do feel we are both in a more decent place right now than two months ago. So in time and day by day with small movements, was god's answer. Right now I feel I am where I am suppose to be. I feel serenity and not anxiety, and for just this second, I am grateful for that. no matter what tomorrow brings.
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Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies.
They really have to WANT IT. Anyway, my therapist said its not that bad if he is willing to go, even if he is still drinking and it is just so he can see me. get the mind there and the body will follow she said. works in al anon, works for them. Him and I found shares we both related to, and it made me go back to a f2f meeting today in al-anon. My home.
Take good care...(((hugs)))