The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi, T. I'm only an expert on my own life, experiences, and the wisdom gained through both. I can say that what I've come to see is that I receive what I need. I'm just not always aware of it. Right now, I'm sitting in a corner of my sage green couch, laptop on my lap, TV on with no sound. I can hear the air conditioner going through it's cycle. I've also just eaten a piece of toast with a cup of milk. No other human being is here with me. I'm free to simply enjoy what is for me in these moments. There was a time when I believed I needed a partner. Although I dated and loved and was loved, no partnership was formed after I divorced my A. I've been on my own for 35 years. I've done more than I could have done with a partner because there are boundaries around a relationship that integrity asks us not to cross. Those boundaries would have gotten in the way of what my soul was longing to produce. The no human partner in my life could change in a day. But for now - this day - I have all that I need.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Friday 2nd of August 2013 12:22:52 AM
This was the moment again where I had to reset my boundaries, and with that developed a scream of my needs.
I'm afraid ego is raising its head here, first I go months without and then I shout out loud in a moment of explosion. my question to you: is this too much to ask? I'm a bit out of balance i guess, having difficulties to stick to my boundaries... also is is a reaction to how I let myself be treated in the past, it's a bit like finding out what you want by having to deal with what you actually don't want. Experience does that, but I'm afraid it limits me also in present. Having set needs, closes you and stiffens you and shuts you down from other possibilities you cannot think of, because mind is limited, isn't it?:
I need of a home, a family, complicity, openness, respect, and above all a partner I can count on when I need support and that doesn't run away or goes hiding with a bottle or weed when some uncomfortable feelings come up. One that is loyal and sees me and chooses to be with me for all good reasons, and doesn't critizise me for my cooking, for how i dress, for how i speak, for how old i am or who is not pushing me around, like I'm replaceable, and doesn't lift me up just to let me fall again the next week. one that isn't ashamed of me in society and one who wants to build a future with me. most of all one that includes me with certainty in his reality, because I include him in mine.
that's it...my shout, my defense, my pride, my ego.... my pain, my lack, my unhappiness. So now I understood it and try to let go of resentments and anger and disappointments. Life can be so much more than that. Lessons are in all experiences, good or bad.
My heart really goes out to you as I remember. I think this is why the Serenity Prayer can be so powerful in helping find balance emotionally. As a newcomer, I was confused about "acceptance." I was married and taking those vows mean't something to me. It was in "sickness" and health. I'd gotten a little education about the disease of alcoholism/addiction and could rationalize my acceptance of those as sicknesses. Despite the extreme emotional pain and isolation I felt, I likely would have never left until I got so sick myself and ultimately died from the affects of my own physical and emotional response to alcoholism. Firming up my relationship with my higher power was great but my understanding of my higher power's will for me as a newcomer was skewed. I likely would have died trying to get my exhusband's attention had he not left me after I'd had a little bit of recovery and said No and the enabling stopped. This was the gift from the god of my understanding; though I couldn't see it at the time. Rejection is god's protection. Time and experience in this program and some recovery has helped to clear my foggy thinking. Would a loving higher power want me not to have a full happy life? Has I been misunderstanding the meaning of living "Life on life's terms?" Was loving another human being to the point of my own detriment loving to myself? I had been so dismissive of personal happiness as if it was an accessory to add after I got dressed in the morning but showing up each day without it .... well, I was still suited up for the day and ready to go anyway so I would make an adequate appearance in the world. I'm glad enough pain led me to choose to love myself more. I have lived alone comfortably but I've also risked to love and be loved again when I felt ready and whole. This is my personal experience. When I read your post what came to mind is "I came, I came to, I came to believe. It sounds like you are finding yourself and coming to realizations about how you are feeling and getting honest about your relationship and how your partner and you are showing up in it. A 4th and 5th step just on just the relationship with a loving sponsor and hp has helped me at times to sort feelings. Thanks for sharing and recovering here with me. Hugs! TT
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Friday 2nd of August 2013 07:36:19 AM
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
To answer your Question "NO IT IS NOT TOO MUCH TO ASK"
Nor do I hear" EGO" screaming out at me. I hear your " self esteem" speaking from deep within. I hear a woman who has finally said" ENOUGH"--- I exist I will not be invisible. I will be seen and heard. I am a valuable human being who will be respected and treated with courtesy and respect. " EGO" to me is " "Easing God OUT". I hear you finally validating yourself
I so recognize these feelings and know this is where I was when I finally surrendered to this program and to leaving my marriage.
Keep coming back
-- Edited by hotrod on Friday 2nd of August 2013 09:17:37 AM
I am going to use TT's idea of my higher power's wanting my personal happiness (I re-worded but copied nonetheless). I will "put on" my plan of personal happiness as I get dressed, from now on my favorite accessory. Thanks for the topic, and thanks for your responses
However, U R expecting or asking this of an alcoholic who cannot even take care of himself (drinking and smoking)
I take it he is not in recovery....SO...U have a choice....dump him or detach from him and say, however either way, you need to work on YOU
I would get a sponsor...work the steps, go to meetings as often as I can and basically make your OWN life, b/c he cannot give you want you need and deserve..
Its sad...We marry these guys thinking we are gonna be happy and it just does not happen...Unless they are in active AA and working serious program, there is no chance things will get better
So sorry, you are dealing, but you have choices.....detach from him and start taking care of you, do stuff w/your friends....having a sponsor is great b/c during the down times, she can be a big help in helping you level out
I live alone now...I know what to expect...know the rules, its better than my alkies whom I never could rely on for anything much.....
Please keep coming back
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
You are not asking too much, A's just aren't always good at delivering healthy results to our expectations. I had to learn to say what I needed to say when I needed to say it so I would no longer blow up. My sponsor helped me through it when I was doing my steps with her. Keep up the recovery work. Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
