I truly think now I will be going through a new stage.  I think I will not be in contact with my son because he has let go.  He had quit talking to everyone in this life and mom is the last one.

I will give him up forever if it means recovery but I will also have some sad feelings going forward.  I'm going to have to work hard on this new stage in recovery.....but this too shall pass.

I love him.......I will Let go Let God

Bettina wrote:

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They have to find their way and their higher power. Its been a long road of recovery for her and me. Alanon prepared me. 

But we can be a good and compassionate teacher and sometimes it takes being strong and being a good and compassionate parent is saying , NO!

Hugs, Bettina

-- Edited by Bettina on Thursday 1st of August 2013 04:45:44 PM

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 yea, I had to detach from Daughter #2....I love her, but I cannot control, change or cure her of what causes her to behave the way she does....She only wants me when she needs me so I , like Bettina said,  detach w/love and peace.....I dont' want to hurt her or punish her, I just want to take care of me and not put myself out there for her to push my buttons or use and discard me.......

I will always do the right thing, like the day they induced her labor, I knew hubby was off that day and no worries...but I would have made sure she had a way to the hospital......so yea, I have the right to protect my heart.....I have the right to eliminate as much stress as I can b/c it is physically and mentally harmful for me......it not about a  "back at ya" about me, its all about taking care of me

The idea of letting go forever can be reframed more positively. Maybe letting go of expectations more thoroughly. Cathy, I could understand limiting interactions to much more structured settings if possible. I know some of the biggest hurt come from letting him in your safe space and then him violating that. Very strong detachment is often needed for parents and partners whose qualifiers are as sick as your son. It may not be "I am done with you" but "I am done with you until further notice." We all need time to regroup and that's okay. You are still new at learning to protect yourself from his disease after having self-admittedly enabled it for years up until earlier this year.

PS - I know my response to you is different than if your qualifier was your husband. Also...I guess I just think the notion of "I give up on you forever" is equal but onthe other eextreme of I will take cre of you no matter what." So many shades of grey in between. Dark grey maybe but still grey.

I am going through the same thing with my son.   He has lived with me for  the past 8  years and it has been a struggle.  Being an addict and bi-polar is not a good combination.   After he blew up in my kitchen in March destroying a chair - smashing it on the floor 3 times, cutting his leg, throwing a bucket of paint on the walls and floor and breaking a window, I had to set a boundary.   I called the police and put a temporary restraining order on him and a permanent one a few weeks later.  It is for 4 years and it is the hardest thing I have ever done.   But I did it to protect both of  us.  I knew if I didn't do it, I would relent and let him back in my home.     He is 41 and needs to become independent.   He is on disability so he does have some income and he is also working part time.    Now I have been subpoenaed to court at the end of the month to testify for the destruction of property and disorderly conduct.    I had already talked to the DA but did not mention his drug use.   Now I will.  I cannot lie and it may even get him some help.  I will meet with the DA and the victim's advocate a week before the trial.   This is not the first  time I have seen my son in court and it is heartbreaking.   I know that I cannot figure him out and his addiction and I would go crazy trying to do so.    I need a life and some peace.  Eight years of him breaking my stuff and exploding is more than I can handle.   He had some very good times with long periods of sobriety and one wonders why he threw it all away.  It is part of the disease and I can't spend anymore of my life trapped in his disease.   My head can go back there so easily and my heart aches for him.  It is so hard living 2 lives.  But now it is time to focus on me.   All I know is that I feel a tremendous amount of loss.    But I guess that is the cost of co-dependency.    For now all I can do is give him to his HP.   

I love my son and I hope to have him in my life someday but he disrespected me, my boundaries and he better realize I mean business. I wanted him with me and I thought we could still have contact as long as the boundaries were kept. They were broken BIG TIME and it hurt to think he would do that. Come to my home drunk and continued to drink and drive. Lie to my face after all the work we did on setting those boundaries.

I don't know if he went to the ranch or not. He might be sleeping in his car tonight for all I know.

I know he knows I'm very very upset with him and that is why he stays away. He also gets mad me for nagging him but he got what was coming to him...he should have known better than come here drunk/drugged.

Thank you all so much

PS: Went to a good meeting tonight but didn't ask anyone about being my sponsor. Still looking.