The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Thanks for listening. I am new to this site, and new to even knowing that my partner (O) is an alcoholic. He only admitted in 2 and half weeks ago when he went to his first AA meeing, the day after his last binge. I went with him to that meeting and several others thanks to the openminded group who has graciously allowed me to attend closed meetings at O's request. I have been so grateful to hear the stories of the recoverers, they are inspiring, moving, and helping me to understand my partner and myself.
Since he started the meetings, he has been sober, and has been the most amazing, loving, productive, caring, and responsible partner. I am so grateful he has committed himself to this path. He seems completely dedicated to it, and I am very optimistic he will stick with it and not relapse.
I am so happy about how he has been recently, and how beautiful our relationship is at the moment. But of course their are still so many things from the past that weigh heavily on my mind and show up often in my thoughts to haunt me. Things that he did either drunk or sober that hurt me, some of which he owned up to and has apologized for, but others I feel he hasn't apologized for or realized how much they really hurt me, as I feel I was usually so relieved to resolve the argument or issue that I let it go (from his point of view) but actually am unresolved about.
I heard about an Impact letter recently. I think it is meant to be sent to people in a rehab center. I feel like writing one to O letting him know all of the things that are bothering me about things he has done in the past. Some things are ones he doesn't even know that I know about, and may be upset learning how I found out.
In the past bringing these kinds of things up would have undoubtedly caused an angry and defensive reaction from him, so I am very afraid to do it. Also, I know that letting these things off my chest is more for my benefit than his, and am actually worried they will upset him so much he will be tempted to drink again. So I am asking, from more experienced persons' experience, is it a good idea to give him this kind of letter, or should I just keep quiet about it, or maybe wait a while till he has more time sober and things aren't so fresh???
Hi. Welcome to MIP. I agree with the others that becoming involved with Alanon is a very good thing to do for you. I'm one who does believe based on my own experience that writing letters is a helpful, healing thing for me to do - but only as a tool for getting in touch with what is really bothering me. It helps me see on paper what is going on in my heart and in my head and that helps me heal. I was a stuffer years ago. I'd stuff my feelings and stockpile my memories because I didn't know how to deal with a lot of things. Although it has been years since my first experience of writing letters as a healing tool or stuffing to the degree I used to do that, I still find that writing letters for me and my eyes is always a help and gives me a place to safely empty out what needs to be seen and understood by me. Often, I've discovered that much of what I would like to say and don't when written doesn't even make sense. So, I'm more able to let go of a lot of it and focus more gently on myself and my life as it is. I also find solutions to things by doing that - that otherwise go round and round in my head. Then, I take actions that are appropriate and healthy for me.
So, I am one who is in favor of you writing letters - but for you as a source of finding clarity, healing some pain, finding solutions, and emptying out thoughts and feelings that you might not even be aware that you are carrying around with you. I don't know if this suggestion would be a help for you, but it has helped me in all areas of my life - not just with the As of my life. I don't edit the letters either. Nobody grades this. I use it as a tool to see what is happening in me and not for any other reason. So, I don't care about spelling, punctuation, etc.
I just write. Sometimes, I have to write a lot until I begin to get a clear understanding of what it is that is truly hurting or upsetting me.
Then, I make necessary changes or just treat myself to letting go of that which isn't mine to handle.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Thursday 1st of August 2013 08:15:33 PM
I am happy that your partner has found AA and is attending Meetings. Alcoholism is a progressive disease that can be arrested but never cured. It is important to know that "We did not cause the disease, we cannot control it and we cannot cure it . The best we, as friends or partners can do is seek help and recovery for ourselves. We who live or have lived with this disease also require a program of recovery because of all the negative experiences that we have participated in during the coarse of the relationship.
Alanon offers that program Face to Face meetings are held in most communities and can be located by consulting the white pages and calling the main number. It is at these meetings that I was able to connect with members who truly understood my issues, developed new and constructive communication tools to express myself . I also found the support that helped me find the courage to acknowledge my part in the destruction of my dreams.
Writing an impact letter to your Partner in early recovery may not be wise at this point of his recovery. AA and Alanon both have Steps, that helps us to reflect on the past and make amend for past mistakes. This is a process and he is too early in recovery to be at this place.
Alanon meetings and members will help guide your recovery I urge you to seek out the meetings for yourself and keep coming back here as well You are worth it
The impact letter is a process utilized by recovery centers where they have counselors working directly with the addicts 24/7.
It's not something I've ever seen anyone compose on a strictly Al-Anon basis without the direct guidance of counselors and professionals in rehab situations.
In Al-Anon I've learned over and over again and again that the more I focus on others, the less I look at myself and what part it is I personally play in things and what I can do to improve my life without depending on others to change.
You could write that letter, but what's your motivation?
I've written such letters to my A, but always stopped myself before giving them to him, because truly, when I looked at my motivation, it was my saying to the A "I require you to feel ashamed of yourself and apologize to me and never ever do that again so I can finally feel happy."
I cannot change other people. It is an exercise in futility. To expect others to change in order to make me happy is just sick behavior on my part. I will be forever waiting to finally be happy if I decide it must come from other people. What I CAN do is improve my life and make decisions for myself that do not require other people to change themselves.
Have you been getting to any face-to-face Al-Anon meetings? "O" has AA, you need your own program, too. I know I've found Al-Anon to be extremely helpful for me.
Aloha liliana and welcome to the board...great post and super replies. These replies are what kept me in check from just doing "my program" which was not the Al-Anon program. I see my old program in your share and both Hotrod and Aloha responded in the way I now react when I react. "I require you to feel ashamed of yourself and apologize to me and never ever do that again so I can finally feel happy." That so closely looks like what my motive was when I was wanting my alcoholic/addict wife to undo all of the hurts and pains I felt when we were married. including things that I wasn't even sure she had anything to do with.
Your post here reminds me of the doubts I had about whether or not what it was that I was asking for or trying to do should come about and for that my sponsor (Al-Anon super tool) taught me, "When in doubt....d o n' t". If you are afraid and have doubts about what you should or should not do....shelve it and go to a meeting and/or call your sponsor or someone else in the program and discuss it. Always check the consequences you want -before- you do the thing.
Good to have you here and keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
In a nutshell, now that he is focusing on himself , it would be a great time to focus on you. I suspect the AA meetings are helpful for more than just getting insight into him, but you could benefit from an alanon program. It's great that you went with him to start. He can go on his own now and there is a place even more tailored to you. That is alanon. Victim impact is not just to early for him, but also for you. In alanon you might learn a lot about yourself and your part in things. Some things you may have been victim to, but some you volunteered to participate in and stick around for. Better to get more time and some clarity on that before writing such a letter.
Victim impact statements or impact statements in general, I don't think are in the scope of alanon /12 steps
they are usually done in a criminal case situation or a rehab center when the perpetrator is advised by his victims what he did, I haven't done this but I heard this is what happens
NOT for this program, I would think that now he is in program...he is being taught to "keep the focus on me"...He will be facing the steps if he stays in and his step 4 , IF he is honest, he will discover the wrongs that he did ...HE is learning via the program to focus on HIM
YOU need to work YOUR program, and therefore focus on YOU...when I first came here I bitched and raved and screamed about the wrongs doen to me....Yes, I told the truth, I suffered horrible abuse as a chlld and to a lesser degree, but still bad in my first marriage......BUT there had to come a time where I had to focus on ME...what was wrong with ME...(no matter the cause of it) WHAT was wrong with ME???? and to work on ME...MY issues...the survival skills i developed to cope to survive....I had to do MY step 4 along w/the other 11 steps, to discover ME
alanon is a program about US...not the alkie....AA is a program for the ALKIE...not their partners, but THEM...THEIR issues..THEIR objective to stay sober....to abstain from drinking,
so I urge you to get your alanon literature, I would read the alanon approved literature, I would get books on the 12 steps and I would get a sponsor and focus on MY program, let him focus on his....You are powerless over him and his future....You can only address you
Yea, I know , all of us in here had "stuff" done to us by the alkies or narkies...but if we keep focusing on them and their "Sins" against us, we never get to the solution which is the 12 steps we work strictly for us....I had to work out my anger, outrage, grief, and yes, I told what was done to me..I had to in the beginning go to the meets, go to the boards like this one, tell my sponsor, Oh yea, I laid it all out, what was done to me so I could face it...work through it...yea, I had to discharge all the pent up emotions first b/c I was so bad off, I had to have a bit of extra time to get to the point of "OK...NOW I focus on ME and the SOLUTION" and how the abuse changed my thinking/emotions/actions/behaviours/character....and deal with ME...via the 4th step, the big inventory step
We all gotta do what we gotta do but i notice that the ones who are improving and progressing (alanoners) are the ones who , yea, tell what happened to them and what impact it had but then they , after a time in recovery, settle down and buckle down to work on THEM and THEIR inventory....
I would leave the impact letter out of this...let him work his program...you work yours...and if you both are open, honest, willing in your program, you will have enough to do working on your own business....
For some folks like me, the deeper the wound , the deeper the recovery work....I had to go about as deep as it gets, but but the goal all the time was to get to the point where i got OFF my abuser and focused ON ME
ya see what I am saying here???? I'm not saying you dont' have a legit. gripe, but you stuck w/him, you did't dump him, you stayed the course with him, you could have said "thats it, I am done" and dumped him, but you stayed...Now hes in recovery, trying to get square with himself and his deeds due to being an active alkie, at least he is reaching out for help, at least he has surrendered himself to the program...
An impact letter to him would serve no purpose...it would be working his inventory and not focusing on you......I hope you can get a sponsor and start the steps real soon and all this as time goes by will be a lot clearer to you
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
One thing my sponsor taught me to do is write a journal...type it write it really let it "all hang out" re: my emotions, what they did to me , how it felt, etc. but its a journal
only for my reading , only for my "getting it out" and possibly by writing the letter and having my scream or cry, I can see where my possible part in this was...(because along w/the journal, I am doing a mental step 4 short form or a step 10) ...maybe I enabled the person, maybe I didn't set a boundary within me..maybe I was too clingy or people pleasing...Maybe I just was too lax on standing to my limitations as to what I will accept..what I will not accept...
Just throwing examples...I'm not talking about when I was an innocent, helpless child where ALL the "sin" was on my parents, I am talking about when I was at the age of majority and mentally capable of making my own rational choices, etc.
Yea, journalling or writing myself an email and hitting the "send" button, or just typing on MS word, a "letter" or a journal...it can do a lot of good, BUT i never send them to anyone but ME...
Thanks Grateful, I forgot about my taste for journalling.....VERY good therapy...
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Welcome to MIP and I like the others hope you can dive into your recovery and make it to al-anon face to face meetings in your area, find a sponsor and work your own steps, before you give your A a list of his stuff. It takes time to let him work his program and in the mean time you could be working and learning about yourself in such amazing ways. Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
You have received a lot off ESH already. I would like to add a slogan that I use..."when in doubt...don't". You will know when and if the right time is there. Welcome to Alanon! While he is working is program, begin working on your recovery ...it all takes time.
Thanks so much everyone. I did go to my first Al Anon meeting last night. When I came home O asked me about it. I told him a bit, and then said the reason I decided to go is because I was dealing with feeling all the hurts from the past and had considered writing him a letter about them, but thought I better first think about the consequences of that, and instead to go an Al Anon meeting and talk about my stuff with other people, rather than bring up the past with him during his recovery. I should have probably not even mentioned that at all, because unfortunately even bringing up to him the fact that I'm hurting too set him off, made him angry and defensive, and caused a long sleepless night for both of us. It definitely wasn't helpful. I honestly thought he knew I was dealing with things from the past and that simple mention of it wouldn't cause such a strong reaction. Wrong move. But he did at one point this morning apologize for becoming defensive and angry and said the reason is he wishes it wasn't true that he hurt me so much, and tries to forget or deny it to himself. Hopefully with time I will heal from those things myself without needing his acknowledgment and apologies, and that with time his actions and behavior will prove to me that I can trust him again and not have to worry about those kinds of things repeating anymore, and even if they do, that I can deal with it myself. I appreciate all the thoughtful responses, it means a lot! I did write the letter, but just for myself. (:
