The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Good morning, Phoenix. I love the name you have chosen with all its symbolism. I've gone through that to some degree with my x and my son - although my son is in my life now - not the x who died. Although my son doesn't ask me to go to AA meetings with him - the best slogans that have helped me are "when in doubt, don't," and an Alanon meditation that I continue to remember from one of my readers "the best way to help my loved one is to take care of myself." I don't think it matters why he wants you to go to AA meetings with him as much as it matters why you would go to AA meetings with him. If I would go, it would be because it would be helpful to my recovery - not my son's as that is his business. Lots of support as you make the choices that are right for you. My experience has been that when I do what is in my best interest, it is right for my loved one, too.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Thursday 1st of August 2013 09:33:54 AM
So here we go again - he's drying out after a week-long binge of whiskey, aggressive, obnoxious, hateful behavior to others and the falling-down-drunk injuries to himself. It's a cycle that happens every few weeks or months, depending on circumstances. It seems to have been made worse after a few months of him taking Paxil for anxiety because Paxil and whiskey DO NOT mix! That combination is truly dangerous for the one taking it and everyone around them. Aggressive, violent behavior, extended "functioning blackouts", paranoia (that could depend on the person - not sure) and pretty much no memory whatsoever of what happened.
This time was easier since I found this place, was able to get some information, understanding and have support from family and friends. I can't have him around my three children when he's on a binge and that hurts his feelings, of course. Which makes him act even more hateful and nasty. Fortunately the local police department didn't have to be involved this time and there were no threats to hurt himself or me or anyone else.
Now after all the "I hate you"s, the name-calling that is so hurtful (that he would NEVER call me when sober), it's all supposed to be ok with an "I'm sorry. I love you more than anything else in this world and I'll do anything to keep you." Two years ago I would have thought it was somewhat romantic - that he would even consider going to AA just because he thinks that's what I want him to do. But that was then. Now I don't think it will work if he does it for me. That it will only work if he does it for HIM. He's retired military so he's also allegedly going in to the VA clinic nearby but keeps finding reasons to put it off. He's had many people encouraging him to go there for years - basically ever since he retired. But if you're only doing it to please someone else, to try to make them love you, to try to keep them in your life, will it really work? It's a starting point for sure and it probably won't hurt anything, right?
This is the first time I've stepped completely back, not rushed in to cover it up, make it better, take care of everything for him, clean him up and make excuses for him. It's the first time I've been able to distance myself and not get pulled in by guilt trips from a true pro. It's the first time that I realized part of this cycle is my pride at stake - I wanted to be the one to "fix/help/save" him. But only he can do that. And he REALLY doesn't like it when I tell him that. Then it's "You could save me if you would just love me" or "You can fix this but you think you're more important". Yeah, it's BS but it has worked on me before this.
So I find myself in a bit of a quandary - how much do I help him now? He wants me to go to AA meetings with him. As I understand it, the purpose of those meetings is not to bring one's gf along because there are others there who may not feel comfortable sharing in front of someone who is not an alcoholic. (Thanks to and AX and the current A, I have no desire to drink whatsoever.) My suspicious and now somewhat cynical nature sees it as just a way for him to say "See what I'm doing for you? Now you need to do what I want." This shouldn't be a bargain, right? I already love him and if that was enough, he'd have been conquering this struggle for the past three years. Love doesn't fix everything, I can't save him and it's really hard for me to say "no".
I'm having a very hard time knowing when to help and when to back off and leave it completely up to him. He hasn't ever really hit the bottom yet and has a brother that won't let him face consequences. His brother bailed him out of jail last time and sent him money - supposed to be for food and smokes - so my A had plenty of money for more booze. His brother has already asked me to not call the cops again because it costs HIM money. I said he shouldn't pay for his 53 yr old brother. Let him face the consequences. It just might help. But his brother is an A too, so it complicates things.
For your information AA has different levels of meetings and Non Alcoholics are welcomed to " Open Meetings" . Closed AA meetings are for alcoholic only.
Alanon Meetings are for family members who live with or have lived with the disease of alcoholism. Alanon meetings and the program are based on the 12 Step format of AA. but focus on the recovery of family members . The best of both worlds would be if you both pursue recovery---- He in AA and you in Alanon.
Both Fellowships are listed in the white pages and a simple telephone call can provide information regarding the availability of face to face meetings in your community. Attending different meetings provides sufficient space for each person to achieve recovery and change.
If your boyfriend still wants company to his first meeting I see no problem in attending for support for one or two meetings- That is up to you.
I hope you are able to find local al-anon meetings and dive into your recovery. I learned the answers to my questions in the meetings and talking with my sponsor that I found in the meetings. I also want to suggest the books "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews and "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie, very helpful reads. Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
My son asked me to go to meetings with him once. Yes I went but told him he had to do this himself. Well.....he didn't. Just my experience. I'm not going to hold his hand
One or two like Betty said but you will soon find out if he's serious about his recovery
(((( hugs ))))
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
(((((Phoenix)))))...I saw the title to this post and just knew I had to read it...just knew I wouldn't miss it for the world because...You have the awarenessess that the program of the Al-Anon Family Groups brought to me when I got into the program for real. The here we go again was a part of my thinking and feeling early on...the going to AA with her and Al-Anon when I was way to angry to be out in public. I went to open AA meetings with her and wasn't done in my part of the disease and so...it was I who opened the door for her and her next attempt to drink and use without problems. Didn't doesn't work!!! I should have been in Al-Anon for me and wasn't because I still had some grab power at "fixing her" I was going to do it...not anyone else...Thank God I failed and still had a heartbeat and breath enough to get me into the program myself.
Good for you stepping back...If you ever need a bit more support at staying back (and letting the alcoholics "real" higher power stay inbetween him and the disease) I will be part of this group that has your back...step back, detach, Let go and Let God, love from afar. You can do it and we will help and support you in doing it.
Everything you put down in type here and how you put it down opened up the memory box on how it was for me and my alcoholic/addict wife back then. I needed "Spin Cycle" to remind me of the miracle I've been allowed to have with the awareness that I am not so special that I think only I can have it.
Welcome to the board. Let him do his meetings without you...that way you will not be in the way and you will not be blamed for any negative outcomes he has and neither will he raise your hand in praise for the successes he has. It is "his sobriety" it is his "scream for rescue"... I once heard an Al-Anon member speaker say at a conference that for all of the AA meetings and Conferences she went to with her son that she never once heard an AA speaker say "I owe this all to my mother"....LOL neither have I. Keep coming back. (((((hugs)))))
Well, we've all survived the past few days. LOL - some days it's not a sure thing but your replies, support and shared experiences have given me much to think about and some great explanations of how several of the steps work in more detail.
Right now I'm struggling with the difference between detaching and completely shutting my A out. I realize that is my self-defense mechanism and thought I had to almost ostracize him physically and emotionally. But after reading the responses here and quite a few other threads, that doesn't seem to be the answer. So I'll work on it some more. Even a slow learner will eventually find the right answer, right?
