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I hang up on people when I'm just done with a heated conversation, sometimes it's before the conversation has started .. it's probably very rude maybe wrong .. part of the reason I hang up is because of my mouth. My brain and my mouth are on two separate playing fields .. and at some point my mouth out runs my brain. It can happen in a flash. So part of the hang up is to protect me from the insanity that someone else is spewing and part of it is to protect them from me. My words have always been my shelter and I can use my perceived truths in ways that will slice and dice better than anything sold on tv. I can make juilian fries even out of them.
Everything that I'm dealing with at the moment I have a full plate and I just can't take on anyone else's issues. If they have issue with me .. all I can say is sorry, when I'm done with dealing with court this month with the OP violation I will be having my atty's office file contempt of court charges, figuring out where my kids are going to school, school supplies, school clothes, hopefully getting my divorce finalized, no food money until the 3rd because I have been working my benefits have been cut, how I'm going to pay full time bills off part time work money, it's just been insane to say the least.
I thank alanon a great deal for not having to make a bigger amends than the one about hanging up. What I wanted to say and what I did say were two totally different things .. it still ended with me hanging the phone up. There was drama and I just turned off my phone .. I don't need this right now .. especially from my mother. I have been trying to give this over to God and just kept saying .. seriously .. it's funny and not funny based upon the fact of what it's over. You have to take this one because I'm doing everything I can right now to stay afloat and this just off my plate I am not accepting anything more .. plate full. God and I had a discussion with me doing all of the talking that I guess this is someone else that I will have to get back to when my divorce is over (yes, that may be in another 2 years .. lol).
Today I opened my mail box and was absolutely shocked .. my mother apologizing for her behavior. While she didn't agree with me hanging up .. she is accepting it's how sometimes I deal with being attacked or perceived attacks. Well, it's kind of like the OP .. God allowed that for my peace of mind .. however in the past 2 weeks it's been for him as well. Especially as I try and enroll the kids into school .. my fingers could so easily fly via text and then i'd be the one in trouble.
Now, I will respond not before I take a very large and needed breath. Unfortunately it's still not on my top 10 of dealing with at the moment .. maybe by Sunday .. just not today.
Hugs P :)
-- Edited by hotrod on Thursday 1st of August 2013 08:57:01 AM
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I have an answering machine for the same reasons Pushka, I don't like being forced to talk to someone, especially someone I dread talking to because the conversation always goes a certain negative way - so I use my answering machine as a call screener. When the phone is ringing and I get a wild hair to just pick it up, more often than not I regret having done so. I HAVE at times made up an excuse to get off the phone, but I've also gotten better at fielding unpleasant conversations. Hanging up on someone may be rude, but when are they being negative, that's rude too.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
Been there - done that. Alanon has helped me with it. Glad your Mom loves you enough to look at her part in it and apologize. I still struggle with saying what I mean, meaning what I say, and not saying it mean. I still have to make amends. But, I have also made a lot of progress throughout the years with this. My family of origin still screams, slams down the phone or gets nasty with their words. I understand. Its their way of saying, "I'm in a bad way. I hurt. Don't come any closer. I can't handle this right now." What I love, Pushka, is that you are already looking at making amends in your time and in your way. My family doesn't do that. They act out. Then, walls go up. That's the difference, I think, between being in a recovery program and not. As a single parent myself who had the bulk of the responsibility for raising my kids, paying the bills, figuring out what was in my kids best interest given what we had to work with and a non-recovering spouse who would sabotage all my efforts and had to have his wages garnished to pay anything towards his kids needs, I get it. I'm fairly certain that without Al-Anon and Coda at that time, I would have lost my mind. Nothing but support and understanding for you Pushka on an empathetic level. Doing what you are doing takes a tremendous amount of energy, wisdom and tenacity and you sure don't need a bunch of critics along the way.
I don't have any issues with any people on my side of the family but I have hung up on my AH a few times when he was lying or drunk. It never felt good to me and I always felt guilty afterwards. What is good is that you recognize why you have to hang up and you know that someday you can make amends for that. That's working your program and walking with your HP. It sounds like there's a lot of stress going on right now. I will be praying for you to have peace and for you to have HP's guidance and wisdom as you work through the kids' school stuff and the court issues, too. Hugs to you, sister!
Pushka I had his very experience w my AH yesterday; for me unfortunately I allowed some of my buttons to get pushed, all of a sudden my Sicilian temper took over and I felt I HAD to hang up because what was happening was no longer a conversation! Your post was timely-- thank you for sharing!
Mary
I refuse to answer the phone when I've had to leave the house and I'm driving to remove myself from the situation. If I don't feel like getting the texts I turn off the phone entirely. I think that knowing that your words can outrun your brain is important, and you realize that you have to be careful. On those occasions when it happens, just remember, progress not perfection.
I too hang up when I am wanting to use my tongue to cut someone, or when someone is cutting me and I don't feel badly for it and when the next call comes I send it straight to voicemail. I will not continue arguing or having those insane conversations any longer, I now know better. I love that you know your plate is full and you are not willing to add anymore, your awareness is great. It took me a long time to realize when my reserve tank was empty and I had nothing in my overflow to give, instead I used to try to push through it only for me to implode or explode about the whole thing and feeling resentful. So yeah for you realizing where you are and what you can handle! Finances stress me like nothing else and having such little money is something I have to get used to and let go of, I can only earn what I earn and the bills are going to keep coming, I do the best I can with what I have. Sending you much love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
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" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
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