Struggling to cope, don't know what to do - Al-Anon Family Group

qwerty49 · Veteran Member

Struggling to cope, don't know what to do

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Sister...this is the web address for meetings in England. Go to it and find out where the nearest Al-Anon Family Group meetings are in your area and then come in as quickly as you can. http://www.al-anonlondon.org.uk/ We can help and you've got to get there first. You've had to deal with the disease for a long long time and now it's enough! Come learn how live your own live whether she is drinking or not. Quickly and keep coming back here often also. Good to have you come by. (((((hugs))))) smile

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

gwerty49,

Welcome to MIP & Alanon,

You must be at your wits end and I hear your frustration and sorrow.

If she was told 4 years ago she has liver damage and with her struggling to breath in the morning, sounds like
the disease is affecting her organs.

Have you ever been to an Alanon meeting?? You should give it a try. It will help you understand the disease and give you the tools
to cope and find serenity, even in the midst of the drinking. Nothing will make them stop, unless they really want to change their life.

What you can change is your life, and it sounds like you want that. About the holidays, that would be up to you.
Why dont you decide that after you had a chance to go to some face to face meetings and keep coming back to MIP before you make those boundaries. There is nothing wrong with putting boundaries in place, if it makes you sad, or depressed. You have the right to be happy.

Please keep coming back and post and ask questions. There is a lot of life experience here.

Hugs, Bettina

Aloha · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to the board.

I hope you find yourself some good face-to-face Al-Anon meetings near your new home. I've found the meetings have helped me tremendously.

One gem of information I pulled from the program was the slogan "One day at a time." That meant I could just relax myself and focus on what's in front of me today and only today that requires my attention. I don't have to spend time worrying about an event several months down the road that may or may not happen.

Yes, some things require planning, but they do not require obsessive worry.

Keep coming back.

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

QUOTE.....I have decided to move 300 miles away and I am leaving soon, don't know what to do about allowing her to come for holidays, keep talking to her or ignore her and cut her off. It's too destructive now and hurtful, i need people to support me as i suffer with depression. She likes to laugh & joke, avoid, ignore, criticize, & judge.

what do YOU want to do for YOU???? you are moving 300 miles away, I take it to put some distance or better yourself in another way???? what do YOU want???? staying in alanon, working the steps...doing the meetings, regularly.....having a sponsor to guide you, reading the literature will help you best take care of you...You dont' "owe" her anything...My mother used to tell me "I gave you life" and I would say "I didn't ask you to have me and I have been paying for that *gift* forever" with the exception of her last 2 years on earth, my life with her was hell...I try to remember the good 2 years, but really....whatever your relationship with your mom is, you do not "owe" anyone but yourself...to take care of yourself.....listen to your inner voice....and follow your instincts or the signs you get.......Take care

qwerty49 · Veteran Member

neshema2 wrote:
QUOTE.....I have decided to move 300 miles away and I am leaving soon, don't know what to do about allowing her to come for holidays, keep talking to her or ignore her and cut her off. It's too destructive now and hurtful, i need people to support me as i suffer with depression. She likes to laugh & joke, avoid, ignore, criticize, & judge.

what do YOU want to do for YOU???? you are moving 300 miles away, I take it to put some distance or better yourself in another way???? what do YOU want???? staying in alanon, working the steps...doing the meetings, regularly.....having a sponsor to guide you, reading the literature will help you best take care of you...You dont' "owe" her anything...My mother used to tell me "I gave you life" and I would say "I didn't ask you to have me and I have been paying for that *gift* forever" with the exception of her last 2 years on earth, my life with her was hell...I try to remember the good 2 years, but really....whatever your relationship with your mom is, you do not "owe" anyone but yourself...to take care of yourself.....listen to your inner voice....and follow your instincts or the signs you get.......Take care

I don't know what i want in life or who i am. I only know what my mum wants, what she does, and that i am a puppet on a string to most people... if i think about what i want, i'd like to live by the sea, in Cornwall (this is where i've applied too i find out tomorrow if i've been accepted).... I'd like to live in a beautiful environment where i can have nice walks & get some exercise & be healthy. It's weird because part of me wants to go because of my mum but both mum & i went to Cornwall together & got along great for a week. Although at night she drank 3/4 of a litre of vodka (every night) i mentioned it but didn't go on too much about it as there were more false promises about her seeking help when she got back. So although i am leaving because of her drinking & other reasons. She wants to come for holidays & that means staying WITH me! can i put up with that, i'm not sure. She said she could drive down & see how long we get on for & then leave whenever we stop getting along (or whenever i mention drink more like), she has already said that one of her ex boyfriends has a daughter living there & has arranged to meet up & have a few ports with him (he too is an alcoholic) so the mess has started before i even get there. If i cut her off i think i'd feel too guilty if anything happened to her. I know i don't owe her anything, & i even said i'm not looking after you when you're really poorly you can go in a home & she replied 'well it would be worth a house'....in other words she's only leaving her house to me if i look after her!! i feel trapped when i 'sometimes' want to tell her to 'xxxx' off

-- Edited by canadianguy on Thursday 19th of September 2013 11:36:46 AM

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

Gwerty,

We do not owe our parents our life. Everyone has the right to life And the right to happiness.

You have to strike a balance in your life and until that time, you may have to cut your mother off.
I usually don't give advice, but it's what I would do. It's bad enough with Mother's making their kids
feel guilty and then add alcohol to the mix. Is a house really worth being trapped.? I'm sure you know all this
your just feeling conflicted as only a parent can do to us.

You perhaps you need to talk to a professional, go to some face to face alanon meetings. get to a stronger place.
But please know you are on the right track. We all have our limits.

Take Care
hugs, Bettina

Oh, MIP is Miracles in Progress, that this board of very experienced, wise people, who have lived with alcoholism .

I hope you go to Cornwall...by yourself.

-- Edited by Bettina on Thursday 1st of August 2013 08:50:11 PM

-- Edited by Bettina on Thursday 1st of August 2013 08:51:54 PM

qwerty49 · Veteran Member

Jerry F wrote:

Sister...this is the web address for meetings in England. Go to it and find out where the nearest Al-Anon Family Group meetings are in your area and then come in as quickly as you can. http://www.al-anonlondon.org.uk/ We can help and you've got to get there first. You've had to deal with the disease for a long long time and now it's enough! Come learn how live your own live whether she is drinking or not. Quickly and keep coming back here often also. Good to have you come by. (((((hugs)))))

thanks, i may start the meetings when i move. I don't want to get attached to people & then leave. I've always hoped she'd stop, and change, but don't think she's ever wanted to. But yeh thanks you're right i need to learn how to live my life whether she's drinking or not. I don't think i can do that at the moment. She has always replaced emotional stuff with money, i've only just realized that. thanks for the welcome

qwerty49 · Veteran Member

Bettina wrote:

gwerty49,

Welcome to MIP & Alanon,

You must be at your wits end and I hear your frustration and sorrow.

If she was told 4 years ago she has liver damage and with her struggling to breath in the morning, sounds like
the disease is affecting her organs.

Have you ever been to an Alanon meeting?? You should give it a try. It will help you understand the disease and give you the tools
to cope and find serenity, even in the midst of the drinking. Nothing will make them stop, unless they really want to change their life.

What you can change is your life, and it sounds like you want that. About the holidays, that would be up to you.
Why dont you decide that after you had a chance to go to some face to face meetings and keep coming back to MIP before you make those boundaries. There is nothing wrong with putting boundaries in place, if it makes you sad, or depressed. You have the right to be happy.

Please keep coming back and post and ask questions. There is a lot of life experience here.

Hugs, Bettina

Hi Bettina, I tried 1 or 2 where i used to live, i never stay around anywhere long enough to build anything, i need constant change in my life & i give up aftert a while with most things, But if i move this time i may start going to the meetings again. Yeh i do want to change my life, i get so hurt by her that i then beat myself up for trusting i her again & thinking i can rely on her. What's MIP? i need to learn how to put boundaries in place. Sometimes i feel as though i am addicted to my mum, i obsess over her & constantly ring her all the time, & want to see her more than she wants to see me. I'm not sure how much other daughters see their mums, but she says it's too much (even though we go for weeks without seeing eachother sometimes) she makes me dependent on her financially (for example) said do u want that car, i will get it on my finance & we pay back half of the costs each, each month. Then she keeps me hanging around, almost like a control thing. Coz i think that she knows that half the time i would have cut her out of my life completely if she had not helped me out financially. I will keep reading stuff on here. Thanks for your message

qwerty49 · Veteran Member

Aloha wrote:
Welcome to the board.

I hope you find yourself some good face-to-face Al-Anon meetings near your new home. I've found the meetings have helped me tremendously.

One gem of information I pulled from the program was the slogan "One day at a time." That meant I could just relax myself and focus on what's in front of me today and only today that requires my attention. I don't have to spend time worrying about an event several months down the road that may or may not happen.

Yes, some things require planning, but they do not require obsessive worry.

Keep coming back

Hi, thanks. I love that saying :) it takes away some of the worry, and it's all we can do. I don't do much planning anyway (very unorganized) so it's usually worry only that i do. 'one day at a time' thank you

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

What you are saying here is a lot of what you'll hear in meetings - not exactly as you're saying it - but close enough to it sometimes that you'll think the person speaking is talking about you. There are all sorts of mental health terms that can be applied to your experience, but that knowledge won't really help you. What will help you is regular attendance in Al-Anon, Conference Approved Literature that will be offered to you at the meetings, and trusting that you are in the right place here to receive the support and wisdom of people who understand your experience because they have had similar experiences and learned ways to take back control of their lives and live for themselves in healthy ways. I can find all sorts of reasons why I can't go to Alanon meetings (and did), but it truly has helped to enter the program. There were things ahead for me to deal with that I couldn't see in my young adult life that happened in later years. Alanon has helped me deal with some of it much better than I could have without knowledge of the program and applying what I learned. Much support for you.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

After reading Bettina's share - the last sentence about moving to Cornwall by yourself - brought out something I thought about sharing earlier than thought better of it. I moved from my roots when I was 33. I was no longer in close proximity to family, (although about 85 miles away - not 300), friends or anything else that I was familiar with. It wasn't easy, but a door opened to me that I really had to walk through to better my family's living situation. I was scared but my friends helped me do it anyway. 31 years later, in hindsight, I can say that that break with the familiar was a necessary and healthy move for me because staying close to my family would probably have kept me locked into the expectations of my family that I had outgrown. I would have stayed emotionally dependent on them in some ways that I really needed to work through. I wasn't running from anything. I just had to support my kids and a door opened that helped me do that. But, in making that choice and making that move with my friends packing me up and moving me on while I was in a state of frozen fear, I think I was able to grow in ways I couldn't have by staying close to my roots. I don't know if moving to Cornwall is best for you - only you and your HP know that - but if you do move, you may not recognize yourself anymore because you will have taken the steps to grow.

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Grateful your not going to believe this.....

we all grew up in MA......then bio, abusive sister moved to CA....alkie bro, moved to CA......I am still in MA, but I knew I had to leave....GO....get away from the madness and the guilt crap

SO...I go to CA to stay with bio sister (BIG mistake) till I could find my own place and a job.....did that pretty quickly and met and married AH #1....that was a disaster, and lasted on 5 years.....I meet AH #2 and he was a sweetheart

We had this little house in CA, and we are talking one night and he says to me "ya know??? if we put some mileage between us and your family....ALL of them, we MIGHT be happier" I thought we were just "running away....dragging our demons with us" but we did........we packed up my big black van, and we got a trailor hitch put on it and a u-haul thingy , quit big to drag behind us....my AH took care of that....We had a g/sale, took what we wanted and we LEFT

we get to OK to find my native american old relatives and friends and this was in '92 , the recession hit OK really bad...no work....nada.....so the next step was TX....only my cousin lived in TX and she was my best pal....no worries about family guilt with her b/c she just wasn't "in that" so that was 21 years ago??? WOW!!!! my house is paid for, I am in alanon....NOT around my family and I am sooooo GLAD that I am not...

Its easier for me to keep my distance....AH is living somewhere near TX panhandle , I think, but this move....this NEW fresh start was the best thing I could have done....yea, it had its rocky times...but I was always inching forward...Just being away from the bashers and bullies was a help.....Then alanon in 2002.....Summer of 2002 I really began to re-claim me.....I have lived in both coasts., and this state smack dab in the middle of the country, I could afford a house....cost of living is easy here....I can make it on SS and 2 mornings of work per week, now its SS and 1morning ea. week and 2 mornings per mo....need 2 more monthly clients and I am good....but I can take care of me...I AM taking care of me.....

One thing program taught me.....since I mostly surrender to program, program showed me that , like yesterday when I was in a heap of depression, and noone was available to give me support, I can make it on my own , if I have to..I got ME...program....my pets....I got through yesterday's funk with just US....

qwerty49 · Veteran Member

Thanks grateful, bettina, neshema. Thanks for sharing that with me. I'm thinking it could be the best thing i ever do and i actually applied last week, heard back that i needed a guarantor for the flat in Cornwall (guess who did it for me) my Alcoholic mother (AM?) and it was accepted on Friday. BUT i'm a little worried now as i'm currently in a housing association flat & if i leave i doubt i will EVER get another H.association or council place. So i'm really scared now & wondering if i'm doing the right thing, living in Greater Manchester at the moment a couple of towns away from my alcoholic mum and it's the only security I've ever had this place so giving it up is hard for me. Jobs are few & far between in Cornwall & I'm worried now..lots of what ifs going round my head & i'm feeling anxious about the whole situation.
I suffer with depression and need stability, mum said she would 'let me settle in in Cornwall & then come for a holiday', I said 'don't you want to help me settle in?' she said she'd come with me when i first go now. The problem is i don't have a partner or children & i'm an only child to my mum. So i need someone to be there if/when i do move & that only person is her. Sometimes, someone is better than no one & that's where the cycle starts all over. I know a house isn't worth the ****8 she's put me through & anyone with a bit of strength in them would have chopped her off by now, and i know i need to get away from all the people (mums side of family) who also put the guilt on me because they don't make the effort to see her themselves and feel guilty so they make sure the responsibility stays over on me 'aww have you argued with your mum?, aww but she's old & frail now'.....er okay, i won't stick up for myself then when she criticizes me & puts me down when she's drunk because she's frail (because she's an alcoholic that doesn't want to change..) and 64 years old is hardly old..
I feel so angry when i talk about it...
No one gets me more angry than my mother....

-- Edited by hotrod on Sunday 4th of August 2013 09:14:32 AM

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Hmm. I've read your post. Seems to me, if you allow your Mom to pay or guarantee the flat in Cornwall, nothing changes. In Al-Anon I've learned that a definition for insanity for me is doing the same thing over and t tr again - expecting different results. You can change your geography, but is that the change you're really seeking? No need to answer me. Just a question my HP poses to me when I'm uncertain about things. I wait for my honest answers and then act on what the next right step seems to be for me. Al-Anon steps, traditions, slogans, principles and the fellowship are always a big help to me when making major decisions. A move of 300 miles without a job and what appears to be no money to me is a major step/major decision. Al-Anon counsels us not to make major decisions until we've been in the program for at least six months. This wisdom may or may not apply in your case, but it sure wouldn't hurt to seek solutions with the help of recovery meetings, literature, and others in your area who are working this program. Much support for you as you and your HP work out your future together.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.