The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well to start, I always thought of myself as an alcoholic. I was a binge drinker as a teenager, out of control in my twenties (I married another drinker and we drank and fought our way to divorce) and then at 30, I met a real hardcore drinker and started the whole drinking and fighting cycle again, at this stage I was the single mother of a 2 year old girl and determined to pull myself together by going back to uni, teaching myself to save money and make sensible decisions and...try to maintain a relationship with an out of control addict whilst still drinking myself- go figure. Needless to say it has been a mess.
A couple of years into the relationship (I'm sure I don't need to go into detail, lets just say he is a frightening drunk, completely insane and overwhelming and quick to anger if you don't want to party with him and listen to his ranting and rambling) he swapped addictions and took up playing world of warcraft. He still drank but now he did it quietly in front of a computer screen and that got so bad that he spent years unemployed, lying in a room refusing to pay bills or even speak to me and playing his game 18+ hours per day. It was an awful nightmare and I cooked and cleaned and paid the bills and rent and endured his rages and drank myself into a quiet coma each night so that I didn't have to face up to the reality of my situation.
Eventually, around 18 months ago I found some help for people living with computer game addicts and they introduced me to the idea of codependance and I learnt some great lessons in not enabling and learning to care for myself. I stopped cooking or cleaning for him, or reminding him to pay his fines or attend appointments (even if it meant having his dole cut off) and I basically let his life fall apart without my "mothering". I started going away for weekends with my daughter without him and started to build a life without him. It worked (although of course the objective wasn't to fix him, it was to detatch and care for myself without shouldering his burdens); but as a by-product he quit the game after 5 years of complete immersion and got a job. That was about 6 months ago, and now...well, of course, he's started drinking much more again.
Interestingly, once I found some tools to deal with codependance and gave myself permission to care for myself, a lot changed in me. I drank less and less without any real effort- I just found I was more excited about life. I started to really enjoy both motherhood and my own pursuits and being tired and hungover just didn't have a place in my life anymore. It's been suggested to me that codependant people can adopt the addictions of the people around them and that rings true; I come from an alcoholic family (my dad was a crazy frightening drunk) and the rest of my family whilst functional are certainly big drinkers. My partners have always been drinkers. So it's interesting that once I started to do some serious work on myself and tackle the codependance in me, the drinking just sort of fell away. I have a few drinks now and then get tired and go to bed like a normal person. It's strange; I always thought it was a huge unbeatable demon within me and now I feel like I just "outgrew" it or something.
So I don't even know why I'm posting this exactly, other than to clarify it for myself and help myself focus on the next step. Right now he's drunk- he knocked back a whole bottle of scotch in less than an hour and now he's into the beers-and I told him I was tired and wanted to just reply to some emails etc and go to bed- so he has spent the last couple of hours trying to make me dance with him, throwing periodic fits of petulance because "I don't love him" and now he's playing every version of Black Betty that has ever been recorded and insisting that I listen to them and a boring monotone ramble about how the song has changed from version to version and what it means. I hate these nonsensical political diatribes. But now, knowing what I know, I refuse to play along and torture myself by politely humoring him while he spends the night basically holding me hostage to his drunken idiocy. If he wants to decide that I don't love him, whatever.
I'm feeling so frustrated and tired. I've created many handicaps for myself (I don't drive, never learnt), I've moved to live with him hours away from any friends or family, and I don't have the money to rent a place alone now as I'm studying full time and my income is low. I keep trying to tell myself that I can just treat him like a housemate and share the rent- better the devil you know- but this drinking is driving me even more insane now that I'm not drinking much myself. There is no rest from the loud music and boring ranting. And I'm so sick of the empty bottles and cans everywhere. I refuse to pick them up for him, but I can't expect my child or myself to live in a rubbish dump- today we had one of her friends and her mother (who I am trying to become friends with) for dinner, I pushed all of his rubbish into a corner and threw a blanket over it, and then just cleaned the house around it. And I just explained that my partner drinks and refuses to clean up after himself and I won't do it for him, hence the blanket. She got it, thankfully. She'd been there, done that. I haven't had any friends for many years and I was always too embarrassed to let anyone into the house. Now I'm trying and it's important to me to not make excuses or pretend everything is just lovely so I'm going with honesty. (Without graphic detail lol).
Now he's upset that I'm ignoring him and he's listening to sad songs and sitting with his head in his hands. He has these weird seizures when he drinks (no other time) where his body just seizes up for several minutes and he can't move at all. We've never been able to find a medical explanation for it. Has anyone else ever encountered this? So once upon a time I'd be rubbing his back and trying to cheer him up, and in a few hours when he passes out on the floor I would be putting a pillow under his head and a blanket over him (assuming he hasn't instead decided to go on an abusive rampage which happens from time to time). But I don't do that crap anymore.
So maybe writing this did have a purpose. When he finally quit his game, I was packed up and on my way out the door. So he made a very dramatic exit from the game and got a job, and tried to be a "family man" for a while, so I stayed but the boredom got to him I guess and the drinking took over. So maybe I have to actually walk out that door and leave him to his addictions and maybe, if he really wants me in his life, he will pull himself together for real. I don't think he enjoys drinking anymore; he's constantly talking about how much he wants to get on top of life and make something of himself (we are both 37, tick tock) but maybe just by being here, I'm still enabling.
I do love this person, just to clarify. Very much. But I also love my daughter and, as of fairly recently, I've learnt to love myself too.
So maybe it's time to walk. Maybe that's the best thing for all of us.
I am glad that you found Miracles in Progress and had the courage to share. I urge you to continue to checkout alanon face to face meetings in your community and attend as often as possible. When I first found this program I attended a meeting a day for over 3 years. That is certainly not necessary for eveyone but it just speaks to the amount of pain and anxiety i was in.
It is at these meetings that I learned new constructive tools thatl enabled me to rebuild my self esteem. In addition I developed new tools to take constructive actions for my life
You are worth it so please keep coming back
-- Edited by hotrod on Thursday 1st of August 2013 01:33:13 PM
Aloha Melly and welcome to the board and I relate to part of your share here...I also stopped drinking when I got into Al-Anon. My alcoholic/addict wife use to use my drinking as a model goal for her and then the disease took everything away. Life building for myself was a rocket science and I still remain in the learning mode. As I became more self sufficient and managable and my life began to grow she moved farther and farther away because her own life was being sucked dry by her addictions. You are not responsible to fix anyone...you can share your experience, strength and hope openly without expectations. Those who listen and watch your changes have choices and then they have consequences dependent upon the changes they make. He has made the choice not to choose and to stay within his own paradigm...alcoholism is a progressive disease and it is fatal so if he continues to drink he gets worse and as he gets worse he approaches the final three choices...sobriety, insanity or death. His choice...not yours.
Go learn how to drive!! Why should you not...what are the consequences if and when you do? My present wife learned how to drive in her mid to late thirties after getting away from the disease and she does fine. She use to want me to back her car up for her all the time until I stopped with enabling her fear. Go learn how to drive!! Good luck and keep coming back. ((((hugs))))
Thanks for the warm welcomes
Jerry, my mum bought me vouchers for driving lessons for Christmas and they sit in a drawer. She also had my brother's old car fixed up for me so I could learn to drive in it, but unfortunately my SO turned out to be a fairly awful driving instructor (he'd either put the seat back and go to sleep and say "just drive, you know what to do" or he would scream at me until I was a gibbering mess). The last time I drove with him, he screamed until I was crying too much to even think and I just stopped in the middle of the street and walked away from the car and I haven't driven since. That was last December. So he blew his own car up and now he drives mine, (it's full of empty bottles) and I'm angry about it every day. (My mum is livid, her express stipulation was he not just take the car for himself). I should book the lessons but I don't, I just feel too afraid. Something about changing lanes; I don't feel like I can trust my own judgement. Same thing at roundabouts. But, I guess a lot of conquering codependance is about conquering fear so maybe this is the next step. I know my daughter would be thrilled if I could drive us places instead of relying on buses.
A few months ago we went to a family event and we stayed together at my parents house for the first time in 7 years, He got horribly, horribly drunk and argued with my parents and kept them up all night and then took off in the car (that they had paid for) and he is now banned from their home. So they are utterly disgusted with the situation but being quite gentle with me; both of them grew up in alcoholic households and I think it was very distressing for them to see my partner yelling and stumbling and drooling and drink-driving as both their fathers did. (And my biological father).
On the plus side, he recently got a speeding ticket in my car and tried to insist that I take the demerit points because "he doesn't have enough left". I agonised over this for weeks- I don't want him to lose his license because then he wont go to work and I'll be stuck paying for everything again- but in the end I said no, and when he threw a tantrum I asked him "would you do the same for me?" and he couldn't answer me so I sent away the fine with him nominated as the driver. Come what may. I'm pretty done with the door-mat stuff, and the impossible situations where I have to do something I don't want to do, or suffer the consequences. Bring on the consequences!
I'm starting to understand, these situations he locks me into "if you don't do this I will lose my job/unemployment benefits/leave you)" are all designed to protect his addictions. The less I give in to it, the more responsibility he has to take for himself. And if he loses his job and can't pay rent and we lose our home, well, I'll be alright, I know how to survive, what will he do? My world wont end if he is forced to face reality. He probably won't stop loving me either. Giving in to those threats is- yep- more enabling/ codependence. When I think of the lengths I used to go to to fix those situations, it makes me shudder. I actually did his job with him (mowing lawns) for almost a year while he collected the paycheck and didn't pay me a cent, he just abused me and threatened that he wouldn't be able to pay his rent if I didn't go to work with him, and then because I was doing half the work, he knocked off at lunchtime every day. On the bright side I got very fit :-/ Sometimes it's hard to believe.
But I'm getting better and that's what matters.
That's about as abusive a situation I've ever heard about and maybe more. I can hear my early sponsor teaching me to say STOP!! to myself until I got it and really did. Instead of continuing to distrust my alcoholic/addict I had to learn how to trust my HP and the program. Go learn how to drive...if my spouse could you can. Keep coming back here too...often. ((((hugs))))
Independence is everything for me, I will not let my exAH husband drive with me or my kids when he had any alcohol in his system and if I didn't know how to drive I would have had to give in. I learned early to learn to do for myself so that I was not stuck needing others which never worked out well for me. I hope you can dive into your al-anon recovery and continue to take good care of yourself! Sending you love and support!
__________________
Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I was afraid of driving, too, even after I had learned and had my license. I still won't drive on expressways although that had to do more with a horrible accident of my son's that traumatized me and I'm still working that through(well, that, and the knowledge that I have more control and more ability to exit a highway at 55 than on expressways at 70 to 75.) But, to me, learning to drive and doing it takes lots of practice just like being in Alanon. As Betty suggests, building up your self-esteem after being affected by this disease through Al-Anon recovery is the best way to be in the driver's seat of your own life and I'll add - your own car, too. Keep coming back, this program does work if you work it.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Thursday 1st of August 2013 10:46:29 AM
