The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
As the summer is unfolding and life as a separated woman is presenting itself to me, I have days that most certainly feel like moving forward, positive, and some that feel like steps back. I'm working hard to try and understand step one and what it means for me, some days I really struggle with the 'what ifs' and I know that I have not truly understood this first step.
It has been difficult to hear my AH talk about how much he misses me and our life together, the life we had for over 21 years, but I know his perspective and mine of the marriage are sadly, quite different. My AH let me know that throughout our marriage, no matter what was happening, he always felt grounded with me, that he was coming home to me. I had to be honest and let him know that while I tried very hard to have that climate in the house, a lot of the time I felt insecure (infidelities), anxious (car accidents), worried (out until dawn), etc etc. I don't know if it's completely incorrect that I am engaging with him about this at all or what, but I feel like there's an opportunity to communicate about some of this that we didn't always have when under the same roof. Thoughts? I also have heard AH say those head shakers like 'I really can see myself 100% sober' and 'I am COMPARITIVELY sober'....?!?!?!?! To that I have only said, you know there's lots of help and support for you if you choose to get sober, and I would have this conversation after 90/90 etc.
On the positive, my kids are doing well, I am taking steps to try and remain in our house with them and I am about to enter the 'tenure year' of teaching in my district, which will up my feeling of security as well. I have those moments of frustration when I think, 'why couldn't he have seen how destructive this disease has been and really worked on doing something about it'? but I do my best to remind myself of the disease part, I come here, i do my readings and try to stay and clean my side of the street.
As always, I learn something every single time I come to these boards (2-3x a day even if I don't post!) and I appreciate all that you share.
Going for my run now...me and the Serenity Prayer doing 3 miles together!
Hi, Mary. You seem so calm and at peace with yourself in this circumstance. It shows even in what you've shared with him. I don't know about others and their working their Step 1, but I return to that step A LOT. I've learned (and my pride hates this) that I can only practice being fully focused in the present reality. I'd love to arrive and let it be second nature, but after all this time, I still bob and weave with this. So glad the kids are doing well, you are about to enter your tenure year and that you only struggle with moments of frustration inre to his disease. Good news to read this morning.
I know that, for me, I return to step 1 on a daily basis. I never stop working those first 3 steps because they are the ones that ground me. As far as the talking to your AH about certain things: just ask yourself if your motives are right, if what you said was truthful and honest, and I'd probably just let it go after giving it over to God. Nobody 'does' a relationship perfect because we all will stumble and question our actions or words, but if you are aware that maybe you divulged too much or stepped over a boundary, then you can pray and ask for God to help you check those motives and see where you change the conversation pattern the next time.
I only share this because my AH and I had a crazy 'talk' the other night and I know for sure that I divulged too much about my recovery and spiritual growth and he uses those things in future conversations to throw back against me. So, I have learned that I must speak calmly, that I must STOP before I open my mouth to speak, and that I must really ask myself, "How important is it that I answer his question or can I tell him that it's none of his business." Like when my AH turned the conversation around and asked me, "Well, when was the last time you had a glass of wine?" I answered him honestly and I knew I shouldn't have given him all that information. He called me a hypocrite and then that part of the conversation was over. I could have just said, "My drinking, or not drinking is not what we're talking about here, please do not change the subject." Anyway, that's where I get caught and I just wanted to share it with you but I'm hoping you are further along than I am, LOL!
Hugs to you, Mary!!! I envy your run, too. I have plantar fascitis and I went hiking the other morning and it flared up on me so I bailed on my tennis practice yesterday. I have another tennis practice on Friday AM and I'm really hoping it's feeling better by then. I'm not much of a runner but I like to hike, go for long walks(sometimes I jog), bike, play tennis, do yoga, and swim. So glad to hear that you have an outlet.
((((Yanksfan)))) great post and responses. Good to open my morning to this topic cause I'm gonna be out there myself, with myself and with others. I do not have an active alcoholic of my own in my life today to deal with and yet I have challenges and challengers still.
What iffing...I use to until my former elder sponsor taught me about balance (active) "If you're going to "what if" and want to stay in balance you will have to do "what if nots" each time. I've practice that for soooo long that it helps me to stay in the moment without expectations just living in the reality of the moment. I don't fortune tell at all anymore...sold my crystal ball.
I work all 12 steps all of the time..."This is a program for life" I was told when I found the doors of the program. "Get your life back, restore your life to the way you want it, live that life on a daily basis and don't ever give it away to anyone including alcoholics and addicts again. Surrender it to your HP and stay in program. "The life I have is God's gift to me...what I do with it is my gift to God". On a daily basis (continually) my question to my HP is how am I doing and at the start of the day, "Place me where you want me...tell me what to do". If I don't get explicit instructions...I do the program actively. My active, 24 /7 meditation is "God is" and so I'm never away from or outside of the influence of my HP. This helps me maintain my attitude of gratitude and to kill my expectations of always having my will fulfilled. It's never happened before so....acceptance for life on life's terms.
A special person in my life...again that is my HP...my wife will never match up to being a higher power...she is special and not my higher power. I got into the habit of unconsciously trying to have my alcoholic/addict always be "higher power" special for me and I set her up to fail many many times as the disease of alcoholism made that even more impossible than if she was not addicted and still only human. The expectation set her up and me up and I had to kill that expectation. I did with a lesson that had me react out in an insane way when I heard it...before I learned it was true. The lesson came in the statement, "I love you...I like having you here...and I don't need you". My reaction surprised me and my teacher because the lesson seems so outside of my reality then that I ran from the learning room and sped off away from my teacher. I got about 4 to 5 blocks and was so overwhelmed with the reality of that statement that I could not drive any further so I stopped at the side of the roadway and ran it over and over and over again in my mine until I saw the reality of what I had done with the people I captured in my life, why I captured them and what was the consequences for my life...I never grew up...I was always anchored to someone and the reality was that God didn't choose these people for me...I did...out of some crazy thought that I needed them. I didn't have a list of people with me that I "needed" in my life...I could have my own life and choose who, when, how and where they were there and then I could let them go on about their own lives.
I have to admit that I am powerless and that my life has become unmanagable because my own management skills are incomplete and not perfected.
Stay in the steps...those are management guidelines. Practice them and management skills improve and then my life will get continually better. Remember..."we never gradulate the program".
