The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Two weeks ago he was picked up and thrown in the drunk tank. He's not home yet tonight, supposed to be at work, last checked in three and a half hours ago hoping to be home soon. I tried calling him again, no answer, but then there wouldn't be if thick into work. I'm shaking, crying, maybe there's something wrong, maybe not. Started reading a book about codependency, been to my first two al-anon meetings but they make me sad. People are celebrating years of attendance but they continue to struggle. I don't really understand how this works. I don't want to be doing this for years. I'm so lost.
Hi, Angie: I've had those same kinds of experiences with my XAH with a few different twists. We're in Al-Anon for years and still struggling because we're human and because this is a generational disease. I know it must feel very, very threatening to you to see people in attendance for years and still struggling especially if you're in a lot of pain and very, very scared right now. Al-Anon helps us find ways to stop our own pain and let go of so much fear. Struggle is part of the human condition. And it is too hard if not impossible to go through life without people who understand what we're going through and how to deal with our reactions to things in ways that reduce our fear, reduce our pain.
This is a one day at a time life and we have a one day at a time program to help us live our lives to the full - whether our alcoholic loved one is drinking or not. I'd love to tell you that he's going to get over this with proper care in a short while and you'll never have to deal with this again, but it's not true. Alcoholism is a disease for which there is no medicine, surgery or cure. With treatment in AA, an alcoholic can learn to live life sober, but they still have the disease.
As people who are drawn to and/or love an alcoholic, we also suffer from the effects of that disease and struggle with our own codependency issues which are also life long issues. It takes time to begin to absorb the Al-Anon program. I fought it at first thinking only my husband had a problem.
But, truth was - so did I and I needed help to learn new ways of thinking and behaving in this life in order to thrive - not just survive.
With Al-Anon, you aren't going to feel this bad forever and you're not going to be this scared forever either. With Al-Anon, there will be people who will help you take control of your own life back and care about you as they help you do that. Much support, Angie. Reaching out for help is a sign of progress and growth for those of us who love people with this disease. I'm glad you are doing that for yourself. You won't regret it.
Hugs and I totally understand, .. one of the funniest things that ever happened at a meeting was an elderly lady who was a new comer was listening to some shares and asked how long people had been coming and at our tables we have 13, 15, 20+ years and she blurts out "Oh sh$t!!!" Never have I laughed so much remembering that because pretty much that's how I felt coming in. Do I have to do this for the rest of my life? What is WRONG with these people?!
Well I have to do something different because what I was doing wasn't working for me.
It's not a step a month and then your done after all how hard can 12 steps be? Do one a month and you are golden! DUH! I think everyone has felt the overwhelming sense of really do I have to keep coming back? Well I didn't get here over night and I'm not going to get better over night so I will probably have to do the time and see where I am at down the road.
I am a slow learner and a fast forgetter. The good news is .. if I'm not completely satisfied with the program I can get my misery back for free. As I get better I realize that I need the program more now than ever .. the support of people who have been where I am at is huge. I don't get that from my family or origins. It's just not the same. I am questioned about my choices more, criticized more for things they think I should be doing .. this is for me about who I am becoming and who I want to be.
There is a misconception that because I am in a 12 step program I'm not suppose to have any more issues .. that's just not life. Life is a journey and yes .. sometimes the struggles are harder than others .. at the same time .. I'd rather be doing this with others who understand than in a life boat by myself thinking I have no other options.
I hope you keep coming back and find what it is that you are looking for, hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Welcome to Alanon! Your post brings back some memories for me. Been there, done that. I have been attending alanon for 3+ years now, I am the first to say that I am a lifer. Why? Because all that I have gone through, lived through, has had negative effects on my life and well being. With Alanon, I can put things in their perspective and continue to live MY life. It is a choice that I make every day to get myself well. The way that I have reacted to my AH's drinking was also progressive over time, so by the time he sought sobriety, I was as sick, if not sicker than him. I needed help too. Work this program, listen to the old timers, and you can find serenity and peace. I used to be just like you... Crying, shaking, pacing, checking... Not anymore. It will get better for you. You will begin a new journey...for you.
I too have gone though all the crying, shaking and worry of what is to happen next. I don't do that anymore. My deal now is letting him step on my boundaries and getting mad...really mad and hurt to boot.
I don't worry what might happen because I can't do a darn thing about it. I have learned to control my "what ifs" to the extent I'm at peace what whatever happens.
Continue to let go and in time it will pass my friend. I know this.
Like Sweetheart Stanley say.......It just takes time
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
People are celebrating years of attendance but they continue to struggle. I don't really understand how this works. I don't want to be doing this for years. I'm so lost.
Dear Angie
been there done that...as to the struggle?? It takes TIME to either accept living w/this or if you decide to leave you will still need program to find you , to discover you, to learn healthy living habits, to learn boundaries....Struggle is a fact of life...I think us alanoners are better equipped to handle "life struggles" b/c we have the program.....Just think of all those "healthy" people who struggle w/other stuff, ALONE, no program, no "go to" place (meetings, and this board) to deal with our stuff
Stay with him???? Leave him???? alanon won't nor will we advise you which to do...that is your decision alone
some folks stay and live their own lives, separate and detached , mentally from their Alkies and they do ok.....some folks , like me, left b/c I found out I deserved better than this or hell....may as well be alone....at least I can deal with me..
I urge you to keep your program, do the meets..get a sponsor...work the 12 steps....one meet a day if needed..on line or in person, but meetings are a must..so are the steps w/a sponsor to guide you, also the literature
You will find that just letting it go...letting him go to learn his lessons the hard way....I take it he is not in a program.....sorry to hear that b/c its harder if they are not in a program......tough choice to make....that is why it is essential that you discover you and your needs and your wants....so you can decide which course is best for you....leaving or staying....
right now you are new....I would work my program for at least a year b4 I decided what to do for the long term.....no matter what you do...you MUST detach from him.....just throw it all up in the air and leave it alone.........I would get separate finances if he is bad enough to end up in drunk tank....i would make moves to take care of me, and protect me.....he may never want recovery, he may...U don't know and its NOT in your power.....You are completely powerless over his choices and decisions.....You are totally powerless over him...Period
The only thing you can change is you.....calling and calling and checking up on him is only going to drive you further crazy......ya gotta let it all go when it comes to him....and work on YOU....take care of YOU....
Unless U R in physical danger of him, I wold just detach from it and take care of me....leave him alone to his own devices....U have U to take care of
Please keep coming back this does work and yea, I am 11 years in recovery and I still have my good and bad days.....bad days are less then b4....there is PROGRESS never perfection....and people struggle ea. day whether in recovery or not....WE have the advantage of having a safe place to go....think of it that way......
PEACE
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Even if there were no alcoholics in our life. There would still be struggles. If you look at most of the people
in your life, they are struggling over something. People struggling to feed their families.
One of my friends husband has been diagnosed with aspbergers and schizophrenia.
The elderly struggling with Dementia and Alzheimers. I still struggle with my weight and thats been going on
for a whole lifetime.
We need to look at the bigger picture. We suffer because we are attached to it. We dont know any
other way, until we seek to learn how not to suffer. Sometimes the lessons are hard. We have to unlearn all
we have learned. It takes time to do that. It takes time to run a different tape thru our minds.
I am grateful that Alanon was there. This program works if you work it. Thats the key.
Angie isn't it great to just come face to face with understanding and unconditional love?....Welcome to MIP. You remind me of what I was like when I first got into Al-Anon and it doesn't sound like you behaved like I use to...ever been asked to leave a meeting because your reaction was unacceptable? LOL I have and then they would tell me..."Keep coming back"!! and I use to think THEY we crazy. I was also reminded that if the program didn't work for me I could leave and they would refund my miseries at the door...Then that was the sickest thing I ever thought said to me because I was sooooo miserable.
One thing that helped me alot early on got me out of the confusion in my head. I was told not to look at the differences between what the room was saying...look at the similarities between their stories and my own. When I could do that I came to understand that these people really did understand my condition and really did have solutions. I have since always come back.
You probably missed the promise of the program which is mentioned at the end of the meeting read in the closing statement. "If you keep and open mind....you will find help". This was the first promise made and kept for me. The program's work was to share their ESH with me and my part was to listen with an open mind.
I hope you keep coming back and I hope that if there are enough meetings in your area that you get to as many as you can in the next 90 days before making up your mind about Al-Anon. Remember...sit down, listen, learn, practice, practice, practice and then give what you learn away to some one else who needs it. Home group, literature, sponsor are tools. MIP is also a tool...use us. (((((hugs)))))
I can't begin to know how to thank all of you for taking the time to share with me. I was a wreck last night and in fact there was nothing to worry about, everything was okay, but what I was reduced to because I didn't know was awful. I'm not one to give up, so I will continue to participate and believe that I will find my place in the scheme of this network. I was worried that my expression may have sounded judgmental toward the program, which is all of you, but that was not my intention; however, your words have brought clarity. I reach out with hugs to all of you, thank you
