The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
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I'm off my game today. Wanting to stay home and not go to work. Was blindsided yesterday by a peer. Struggling to find my part in it since I'm not sure what prompted this person's behavior. My own behavior and self-talk led to a sleepless night although I did what I could to work the program. The person's behavior and lack of any type of real communication will and is affecting multiple other persons. I am powerless over her thinking, feelings and behaviors (although I only know her behavior) and the effects of it at my workplace and I seem to be in that same state as regards to myself, too, right now. Supposed to learn how to balloon sculpture this afternoon with a group of children, but find myself not wanting to go back for yet another - I strike you from the land of the living behavior from yet another direction. I have to admit its not the people I work among that ever have been able to pull a rug from underneath me - it is sometimes the people I work with. Prayers, please, for me to listen to what it is my HP is inviting me to learn or need to know in this particular circumstance. I realize her behavior is her communication - and in my estimation it was very passive-aggressive - leaving people in the lurch when she is responsible for something that is important - but I can't help but wonder if I did something that triggered it but haven't a clue what it was. But what she did or didn't do isn't my problem. It's being off my game today and struggling to regroup is my issue now.
An update: I don't know why sharing this stuff helps with a faceless group of folks, but after I posted, I flip-flopped my way out of my house into the backyard and sat in my favorite chair. Cone flowers had at least 4 monarch butterflies perched on them and little white butterflies with polka-dots and yellow accent wing frames graced my eyes as I sat in the sun. I had a sudden realization that I have been trying to spiritualize my anger towards what was an emotionally abusive behavior that I didn't cause, couldn't control and can't cure - whether she was a drinker or not. I remembered that although she acted in this way - I didn't react in anger - I simply thanked her for her service and said thanks for the fun I had while she was here. Passive aggressive persons hope you get angry so they don't have to deal with theirs and can look like a shining star while you look like a crazy person. Once I soaked up the sun and enjoyed the gifts of nature that seemed to be in my garden all for me - there was nobody else there - so it had to be for me, I also remembered a story from my own tradition wherein he felt his own anger at injustice, dealt with it in a healthy manner and then went out and healed a blind man.
So, I'm going to feel my anger at the injustice. I'm not going to try to spiritualize it. I'm going to shower, get dressed, and go learn balloon sculpting with the children who get treated that way themselves by people who don't know a better way yet. Thanks for listening. Keep praying. I'm still raw.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Tuesday 30th of July 2013 10:06:05 AM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Tuesday 30th of July 2013 10:27:40 AM
Well, actually, Nemesha. I am the boss, so I guess taking all this to myself is a good thing. She actually quit before a big event coming up and left her co-workers and me in a lurch. So, I can't fire her. I'm just left with picking up some of the pieces and my heart off the floor. I saw her a few weeks ago - we were working together at a pool party - everything was pretty tense due to some interference with boundaries that were set down for our kids - which were resolved that day. We took our charges home and then staff/volunteers met together about some of what had happened. She seemed fine. I did what I needed to do to straighten some things out with our hosts. Yesterday, got an e-mail with just surface stuff for her reasons for resigning and then the rest of us who are responsible for the big event coming up were left holding the bag and wondering what in the world happened? My heart not only hurts for me, but for the others that her actions have adversely affected for reasons that simply are not truly known. That's why I'm wondering if I did or said something that triggered this behavior, but without clear communication that I think is necessary in healthy relationships - I'm left spinning without any facts to support anything other than what I'm feeling about the whole thing. She and I have worked together for quite some time - always enjoyed her and thought she enjoyed me, too - that's why I'm stunned, too.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Tuesday 30th of July 2013 11:03:44 AM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Tuesday 30th of July 2013 11:05:21 AM
Thank you all. Kids had such a fun time learning how to sculpt balloons. Then, when done with the lesson, we put their balloon pumps and huge handfuls of balloons in their bags with the animals and bugs they had made. Cute, cute, cute. What I love is that these children can teach others how to do this. Can't get any better than that. Our lesson before the balloons had to do with examples of being selfish and examples of being generous. The children got to name them. One of the youngest ones said: "Giving your word and not keeping it," was selfish. Generosity's example "Thinking of other people besides yourself." Even little kids have the basics.
I wish this whole thing is just a matter of one person not keeping their word and leaving people in the lurch, but this person's choice is and will adversely affect this place and the benefit it offers folks in ways that are unjust and self-centered. I'm not angry at the person - although their handling of this hurt me - that has me mostly concerned. Its about the ways it adversely affected our entire organization and can have far-reaching affects in the future. And the children - sitting with their balloons and pumps - trying to twist ears and heads and tails with their little hands, tongues stuck out as they worked with effort, have no idea what could be coming for them in what could be the very near future - as soon as tomorrow.
So, please keep praying. Thanks. This is a critical time for me and for this organization. I don't want to let anger, fear, hurt or sadness get in the way of hearing HP and doing what is necessary. I feel much, much calmer than I did today when I e-mailed now. But the children's faces has not made this any easier for me. Thanks.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Tuesday 30th of July 2013 05:04:09 PM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Tuesday 30th of July 2013 05:05:14 PM
I wish I could be of more help but I do know you are strong and will take care of whatever is thrown at you. You have the skills and courage to speak your mind and not let anyone interfere with your serenity in most cases.
I'm guess it comes down to letting go, do a step on it and come out better on the other side.
I'm sorry this is happening but you know what. your not alone.....because you have HP and MIP in your pocket.
(((( hugs ))))
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
I realize her behavior is her communication - and in my estimation it was very passive-aggressive - leaving people in the lurch when she is responsible for something that is important - but I can't help but wonder if I did something that triggered it but haven't a clue what it was. But what she did or didn't do isn't my problem. It's being off my game today and struggling to regroup is my issue now.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Tuesday 30th of July 2013 10:06:05 AM
Dear G....WHY does it have to be "our" problem when another acts out???? I mean you have been in the program long enough, to have worked your step 10, I am sure...knowing the thoughtful and caring person that you are I could BET U worked your step 10 and yea, U R worried b/c u DIDN"T find something wrong with you
I find that working w/others, I see folks who need this program and who are not in it...
I just do my job...be courteous, helpful, do my part and thats IT
On my Friday job I had this horrible front desk girl who has been there at the office only a year less then me.....We were on facebook together....MISTAKE.....NO facebook w/co workers, but I had let her back then and one time we were posting stuff back and forth and her facebook got messed up and she blamed ME...unfriended me.....and from that point on was snarky, bitchy, nasty to me at work
I ignored it for a while...did nothing, thinking it would stop and FINALLY i got sick of this shit and decided to ACT....to RESPOND
SO...I go to work and I am smiling like a cheshire cat "GOOD moring *P* how are you???" and of course she would have to say something OR the big boss who favors me would notice....It killed her to have to say "good am" back at me.......If she got snarky with me, I wold SMILE and look at her and say 'Oh I am sorry you are having another bad day...I will send you smiles and happy thoughts"
and I would walk away......I kept "killing her with kindness" and she absolutely could not stand it...I mean you could see her filing her teeth down to nubs, b/c there was NOTHING she could do
THEN, she needed me....She needed to change her exemptions on her payroll to pay more taxes b/c she got hit last year......She had to approach me to do this....
I invited her in my office, got out the W4 form, showed her how to fill it out...showed her what her new paycheck would be and she said "omg, that is so much" and so I suggested that she make it a little more exemptions and finally we , legally, came up with a solution
She walks out after thanking me, I say "no worries, that is my job, to serve and to help" and from then on, I guess. she decided that nastiness was not gonna work, that when she got nasty, I would reply with kindness and make her look like a fool, which I did......ohhh it was FUUUUUN i gotta admit
end result, she is much nicer b/c even one whos IQ is about her shoe size realizes that I am gonna make a fool out of her ...
Hope this helps.............it is not ALWAYS our fault....some people are just shitty, snarky, sneaky, passive aggressive, need to be fired, useless payroll recipients, and we gotta just do our job, get around them and let them hang themselves.........
HUGSSSSSSSS
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Neshema: Once again - you made me laugh - especially with "the teeth to nubs" part. I get it. I did treat her with kindness, come to think of it and I didn't do that codependent running after somebody after they sucker punch me to ask what I did. Abuse issues have their way of coming back up again and again until we heal more, I guess. At least I've made progress and at least I know that anger is a legitimate response to a sucker punch but I don't have to act on it. I just have to admit it, feel it, ask for help from people who've been there, and then go do something that is healing with other hurting people. (((N)))
Neshema: Once again - you made me laugh - especially with "the teeth to nubs" part. I get it. I did treat her with kindness, come to think of it and I didn't do that codependent running after somebody after they sucker punch me to ask what I did. Abuse issues have their way of coming back up again and again until we heal more, I guess. At least I've made progress and at least I know that anger is a legitimate response to a sucker punch but I don't have to act on it. I just have to admit it, feel it, ask for help from people who've been there, and then go do something that is healing with other hurting people. (((N)))
Sometimes G the best answer is the most simple.......you treat them with kindness....you do your job.....however IF her actions are bringing down the entire purpose of the work environment, like she is a ball of sabotage and you know U r doing your best.....
Document her actions....write down EVERYTHING she has done or will do.........Then, very nicely call a meeting between you and her AND the big boss and just say "we need to work something out "mr. boss" and we need your help" I have done that as well.....if a person's behaviour is hurting the entire place and its purpose, then they need to be "called out" peaceful meet, with your documentation dates, times, incidences and you are lettng the boss know IN FRONT OF HER that this is bollixing up the opporation of the system or program re: the workplace and its focus......Nobody is gonna hang you for that....you took notes....you showed YOUR attempts to work around this, and now you need help......I did this to someone once a looong time ago and it worked.....its the last measure, boss isn't gonna come down on you for caring for the company enough to do this, but it is kinda drastic, but if situations are THAT bad that it hampers YOUR job, then what else can ya do????
I don't know the dynamics so I am just throwing out ideas...
I would not fraternize with this person, and I would keep it kinda cool, anyway, b/c this is a work environment...don't give her anything against you....just do you job....
sorry, If I was there, I probably would come up w/more intelligent ideas, its hard when I am on the outside lookin in, but just some ideas to ponder
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
grateful2be posted~ I had a sudden realization that I have been trying to spiritualize my anger towards what was an emotionally abusive behavior that I didn't cause, couldn't control and can't cure - whether she was a drinker or not. I remembered that although she acted in this way - I didn't react in anger - I simply thanked her for her service and said thanks for the fun I had while she was here. Passive aggressive persons hope you get angry so they don't have to deal with theirs and can look like a shining star while you look like a crazy person. Once I soaked up the sun and enjoyed the gifts of nature that seemed to be in my garden all for me - there was nobody else there - so it had to be for me, I also remembered a story from my own tradition wherein he felt his own anger at injustice, dealt with it in a healthy manner and then went out and healed a blind man.
So, I'm going to feel my anger at the injustice. I'm not going to try to spiritualize it. I'm going to shower, get dressed, and go learn balloon sculpting with the children who get treated that way themselves by people who don't know a better way yet. Thanks for listening. Keep praying. I'm still raw.
I love your awareness after spending a few moments with nature how you took the time to find your serenity in a peaceful place. You stopped taking it personally, worked your program through this situation and moved forward. Awesome program and so glad you remembered to look in your toolbox! You did not react, you did not go into crazy person mode, but took the time to work through it. This was inspirational!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Thanks, BF!!! I'm at my desk now, waiting for it to be time to pick up happy, rowdy kids who'll be meeting with our guest clown and get to learn how to do balloon sculpting with their very own balloon pumps and their own set of balloons that they get to take home and show off to parents and friends if they choose. I'm also angry because this person kicked my children to the curb, too - and they deserve so much more than a honeymoon type of person who stays with it while its all warm and fuzzy for them but when the true nature of the work shows itself and s/he is being asked to give of themselves and they learn its not all going to be warm and cushy when the real loving begins. And there I go - taking my anger across the street. If I look at this from outside the circumstance I see that maybe its a very good thing that this person is no longer with us? Need to take my judge hat off and feel my feelings some more. Better to bless the people who are here beyond the honeymoon stage than curse those who leave, huh? Glad you could help point out my program tools. My feelings were getting in the way of my head. Concrete information helps me balance - especially when I'm extremely tired.
ooooooooops didnt' know YOU were the boss.........that puts an entirely different slant on thngs.........
you said...........That's why I'm wondering if I did or said something that triggered this behavior, but without clear communication that I think is necessary in healthy relationships - I'm left spinning without any facts to support anything other than what I'm feeling about the whole thing. She and I have worked together for quite some time - always enjoyed her and thought she enjoyed me, too - that's why I'm stunned, too.
I SAY....I woldn't worry about it.....knowing u the way I do, as I said WHY do we always have to look for something wrong in US, it may not be US, but THEM...........DETACH DETACH LET GO LET GO..............dont' worry......its her prob. not yours....IF she had a real beef she shold have said something....brought it up......you are not her babysitter............JUST my take, Please use what works and makes sense and trash the rest...
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
((((G)))) I see U as very considerate and thoughtful and thinking of others.......THEREFORE, I can not see this as an issue with you, but something going on in her and if she chooses to act out rather than talk it out, then you can't do anything but LET GO......
Just my take, friend....SMILE..........
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Just keepin' it real here...sometimes I get all gnarly about people that act like patooties and I enjoy getting all gnarly for a bit. This would be a time when I ask God to send the patootie love because I am too mad to send it
I need me some candles and darkness, LOL. I agree with PP, ask God to do for you what you aren't ready to do yet. Sending love out to the universe where it will send it back to you in some way shape or form is all we really can do anyway. My feelings always get in the way, but I believe it's what makes us human and what brings us closer to God. Hang in there, dear friend!
Thanks again, everybody. You are my light in the darkness right now although I'm still working it all through. Love you all. Each with her own unique way of looking at a situation. Wisdom comes to us in so many different voices - so many different ways.
I believe in my own case (and with my own share) sometimes there is no need to have any kind of a conversation with someone beyond a boundary. I most definitely have been to the river of having difficult co workers. What I wasn't open to was what triggered me in the encounter. Pretty much every encounter triggered some issue for me. Needless to say at the time I believed it was all "them" but there was certainly my response to it in there in full glory.
I am not someone to offer advice or suggestions because quite frankly I don't have them. I have my own ESH that's about it. I have not personally found that I solved many problems going to any supervisor. I found I solve my problems by going within. Some people are not that great to be around. I used to have a maxim that people needed to appreciate me. Now I don't. There are certain people I work for currently who are really grumpy and stressed out. They are very short staffed. Nothing is all about me anymore. Of course I no longer believe I am going to solve anything but my own problems and really my own problems are pretty big on the to do list. Before I believed I was last on the list now I am at the top.
I know for me it is in the stewing and being willing to look at the issue that I find whatever I am meant to know. Of course I absolutely believe I already know everything but those hard core insights the "ah hah" moments really fill me with confidence and self love.
This program is such a gift. I am so blessed to have found a place where I can learn and be willing to look at myself. I certainly looked at myself plenty before but Al anon is the icing on the cake. At al anon I learn I have choices I may not like any of them. I may want your choices but my choices are mine. I no longer get to make anyone else's choices for them.
Wow Grateful! This share is so beautiful as you walk through so much in such a short period of time. You are a living example of a well lived program. Thank you for the visual of you getting grounded with the butterflies - a reminder of how healing it is to get out of the head and into the heart through awareness and gratitude. I will send prayers for you and your organization. I can't help but believe your huge heart will conquer all in that organization. Blessings to you.
Thank you, BN. I appreciate the affirmation. Please know I wasn't 100% good at this. I slipped and slid myself through the various things that I do when I'm hit off guard.
I go in and out of program, too. Didn't want you to think I'm anywhere in this healing process but on the way.
I will say I had an early morning meeting with some of the folks in my organization today. Looks like things are going to be okay for awhile even with the recent
developments. We're going to get on course and do what we can with what we have to do it. And I can unfurrow my brow for awhile. (((BN&FROG)))
I am happy that the issues have become more manageable. In reading of the incident and the outcome, I was reminded am reminded of the wisdom of all the alanon tools.
I recognized times that I have reacted the same and know can see that by staying in the moment and in the day, trusting HP and not " being a "catastrophist" or "futurizing" disaster ,before it happens I have been spared many hours of anger, fear and most importantly I have not had to make amends.
Thanks, Betty. I've had those experiences, too. Although the challenges are still here with us and did affect us in negative ways, we were able to care for each other today and regroup in ways necessary now. We still need to deal with some future issues, but today we could deal with what is present today. The members who reached back to me yesterday helped me just by their presence and care to handle what I could handle in a way that kept me true to myself - imperfect as that self might be. I appreciate your presence and care today. Thanks for sharing a little of your story and process with me, too.
