The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I told you here, as I told some of my friends that have always supported me, that I had let dry ABF move in with me 2 weeks ago, because I was so serene after my meditation course, and he said he was on the verge of change. It seemed full of hope, and I'm an optimist...(an a rescuer I'm afraid)...well it went nicely 10 %of the time, really nice, but to be honest, the 90 % were a struggle beyond imagination. He acted out as a spoiled child, i started reacting again, lecturing again, he continued manipulating and playing mind games, got more and more restless, created drama out of nowhere....and finally packed his stuff and left sunday morning.
before that sunday, I thought we might be working on change, and change feels uneasy sometimes. but there was hope, perspective, which kept me going. hope vs expectation. hope is ok, and good, it gives me the energy to walk forward....expectation was what I thought was a given stability, I clicked out the rollercoaster every-day possibilities... and that disease is so unpredictable. I struggled most with the 'little god' and 'spoiled child'. Finally I realized, it was and is and always will be all about him always.
So i feel a bit stupid for having done that. But I'm not beating myself up. i got a new chance here, to choose a healthy life. Yes, this past 2 months were a huge RELAPSE.afterwards we are always wiser. so for now I'm breathing, the good news is, my life will be less dramatic now, and I might actually find the time to create some good and carefree times...unusual maybe, but I'm up for it. Change is ahead, and of course that feels scary, because I'm sort of on my own. But am I really? wasn't I more alone with the A in my life? hasn't there always been family and friends there to support and share? yes they have....so that's a good start.
relapse brings me humility, and humility brings me peace. Grateful for that state of mind now.
Hi. Glad to hear that he left so that you don't have to figure a way to help him move. Sounds like he might have wanted a drink? I guess it doesn't matter. You have your home back with only you and your HP in it.
I catch myself lecturing and I've been at this for years. Using I feel, I'd like, I want, I don't want, I'm uncomfortable and other phrases that keep me on my own side of the street when I'm feeling things intensely is still a lesson I haven't yet mastered.
The peace of living a stable and pretty consistent life might feel boring at times, but enough go arounds with the drama sure does make one willing to live a life that nurtures and protects the soul, doesn't it?
I learned awhile ago that I really abhor all that chaos - can't even watch much TV or find movies I want to see anymore - just too much blood/guts/high tension/crazy action for me. I watch nature and there's movement and occasional drama, but 90% of the time its peaceful, orderly or just plain still.
Happy you're choosing to accept that what is past is past, that you can feel your fear and still change what you can.
I am glad he is gone too.....AND I hope this prompts you to work hard on your program, yea, we all slip, but we pick ourselves up and begin again
yea, humility can be a buggar sometimes , with the lessons being so hard, but the fact is you learned something...it wasn't a loss b/c you GREW out of this
I urge you to work the steps, hopefully w/a good sponsor, get into meetings so you can discover yourself and realize that you deserve waaay better than this.....there are sober, healthier guys out there when you are ready and have a relationship w/you first.
how can you attract good love in your life re: other folks if you don't love yourself first?????
I had to swear off relationships for a few years, I was so messed up when I started recovery...I jsut had to find ME and love ME first...I still struggle with the "loving me" but I am waaay better....and i think IF someone out there is healthy enough and ok for me, that I could actually hold up my end of a HEALTHY relationship...
so welcome to the relapse club, LOL...we all do it....and hopefully we ALL get up...learn the lesson....work on the steps regarding what brought this unwanted event in my life and then I go "ok, I still feel like i don't deserve any better.....or I feel afraid of a healthy relationship b/c what if he finds out I am in alanon???"
or whatever the thing is......U R NOT alone...trust me I came back here after going AWOL for how long??? 5 months or more???? Talk about a relapse...I could see old patterns creeping in and i cam back here.....not beating myself up for it, but kinda saying to me "Good girl" U knew U messed up and got humble and came back......
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
You sound marvelous. It is so hard to trust and be hopeful that "this time" it will work out...then we are reminded that pigeons do what pigeons do. I am glad you are ok, though. Big hug to you.
Tortuga - there was evidently just more for you to learn. You do sound very good and in a good place now. I hear wisdom and good perspective in your share.
Tortuga, I winced to see you call yourself stupid. I did both - took him back and later called myself stupid. With the help of Al-Anon meetings, I now consider me taking him back as "tuition". The price was more suffering and humiliation. The pay-off was seeing clearly he was not in recovery, and knowing deep in my bones I do NOT want to live around the illness. That was decades ago. I now bless me taking him back, because I have never since been tempted to second-guess my decision or regret my decsion.
What you say about a new chance for a healthy life is so true! It is so good that you know that. Keep coming back.
Working your program in the heat of it and with humility. Wowwy, wow, wowsers, so happy to read this! This is inspirational and so glad to read that with time in program it can be possible for us all! Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
