The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
hi all. you know my story. . mom to a only child who is nine, married 13 yrs to an adm alc but one who doesnt care to change. in steadfastly devoted to staying so i dont have to share custody and so i dont become yet another person in a very long line of people to turn away from my husband. he has no relationships other than me and our daugter and of course the drinking pals. that said my child is nine . .shes known nothing different then her dads alcoholic tendenicies and behaviors. sadly it probably seems "normal"to her. . that said. . she also lives with me and spends a TON of time with me. . a class a worrier, co dependent and often very resentful wife. that said, i think she sees and feels and senses may frustration with dad and latlety will say, mom dont get mad at daddy. this when hes left us high and dry with no word on his wherabouts. so. . now that shes defending him. . and probably angry with me. . i know i need to do something different. i dont want to say, your dads an alcoholic whose beer and beer buddues comes first(although its painfully true no.matter how much he loves her). . .although we have sorta addressed it. . shes nine. . i dont want to shatter her naive, innocent world. i dont want to turn her against her dad with something i say or do. . so whats a mom of a young, very observant, bright and perceptive child to do?
__________________
When all else fails...there is Faith, Hope and Prayer.
The absolute best thing you can do for her is take care of yourself. Research shows that, with ONE stable, loving parent in a child's life, they can grow up to be healthy adults. All you need to do is be there for yourself, take care of yourself, keep yourself safe and this will give your daughter the greatest gift she can ever receive: learning how to love herself. Of course there is pain, worry, fear - face those things, work your program, and love yourself.
Many blessings,
KLotus
__________________
"The first step toward success is taken when you refuse to be a captive of the environment in which you first find yourself."
I have been were you are at yet my children were younger. My oldest child was 6 and he would say things like your daughter does. They don't want there life turned upside down all the time. My AH was abusive as well. I finally left as my alcoholic husband was extremely destructive.
My now Alcoholic son saw his dad last when he was 2 and doesn't even know him but he has problems relating to bio alcoholic now deceased dad. Kids are like sponges they soak up alot.
I remarried and now am on here because my child is an alcoholic. An alcoholic child is so hard as the LOVE is so great you will enable until you can't anymore.
My son is in rehab has too many arrests to count regarding alcohol in one way shape or form.
I am having trouble with boundaries, my therapist said I need to read the book.
I will pray for you and pray your husband seeks recovery.
In the rehab center my son is in they say an alcoholic has only 3 choices - jail-death or recovery.
Hugs, I have found that as I have gotten better my children have as well. I am not with their dad. We have a lot of open dialog about addition in general. My youngest is nine and the biggest disservice I have done them is overly shielding them from their fathers drinking. It is an issue and they need to know when he's not ok. It's an unfortunate reality in their situation. We have also discussed what to do if their dad is drinking and driving with them. Or they feel unsafe with their dad we have an exit plan. Something I didn't share and meant to was the last time they saw their dad he was drinking and visitation ended. As they left .. he called down and said he loved them. My children each told their dad they loved him and he needed to get help. It's because of Alanon they see their dad as a person they know when enough is enough. Me being ok and addressing my issues is what counts. Hugs p :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
TOC: The other gals gave you really good, good E/S/H here inre your question about your daughter. I'm very concerned about you - especially the part about being the only person that doesn't turn away from your husband. That is a danger signal to me if you're becoming isolated - something the disease does to us if we let it. I can't help but suggest strongly that Al-Anon f2f meetings are not only in your best interest but your daughter's best interest, too. MIP is a wonderful gift to us struggling to cope with this disease, but it is equally important for us to be with people we can see and spend time with in the physical. This disease doesn't just destroy the addict/alcoholic - it can destroy us, too. We get so into "other people,"
we miss us as a people, too. Please take care of yourself by getting into f2f meetings, dear friend, if you're not doing that regularly. It will help to change your life.
I do hear you and so understand. Being faithful to your husband and "protecting the family" is something I did for so long. When I crashed and landed in alanon It was because NO ONE WAS TAKING CARE OF ME and MY NEEDS-- I was too busy caring for others and thought they should take care of me in return. Alanon showed me a better way. A way to be gentle with everyone while taking care of myself.
An additional thought---- I have heard many ACOAs talk about family issues and most of them seem to be angrier at the non alcoholic parent than at the alcoholic. They seem to feel the alcoholic is sick and the non alcoholic unreasonable It is so important for you to continue to seek recovery .
My A left after the last big fight and I found al-anon and started to get right with myself, laying down boundaries which he would not respect so we divorced because I saw the path he refused to leave. My teenage daughter spent the next year only speaking directly to me if she needed something. To say she was angry with me is a very huge understatement. She heard and saw how he treated me, saw how I let him treat me, saw me give him another chance over and over, heard me excuse his horrible behavior, lived a life where I put HIS needs first always, everything was about him and she was pushed into the wings while I dealt with HIS problems and took on doing anything I could to make HIS burden less. After he was gone, she would stomp into her room after school and only come out to use the bathroom and get food. And I let her because I knew I had done her wrong, she had every right to be that angry, she had every right to never speak to me again! I did have her in counseling which gave her someone to vent to but it was over a year before the angry silence began to soften. (at one point I made her come out to watch episodes of Bevis and Butthead because I knew it would make her snicker - it helped).
She is learning from you how a woman should be treated by a man. My daughter was older when I married the A, the aftermath was horrendous, she wanted to become an emancipated minor to get away. My daughter was angry at him but she was angrier at me for putting up with his treatment. Your bright, observant daughter is probably not as naïve and innocent as you think. I remember as a child sitting at the top of the staircase with my siblings huddled around me listening to the sounds of my father's hands slapping my mother's skin and my mother crying out - my innocence ended at an early age - even without any physical abuse, your daughter sees an "often very resentful wife" and is already on her way to becoming an enabling co-dependent by making excuses for him (don't be mad at daddy).
__________________
I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
The best thing your child can see you do is that you take care of you and do good things for you and her.
Like you, my children have missed and defended their daddy (they are 6 and 8), however they are smarter than we think. All they have to see is the actions.
The best way I explain it to them is "Daddy is sick".........They've seen him passed out themselves at such a young age. I put it in ways that they can understand.
I tell them the behavior is not normal.....not Mommy's or Daddy's and I tell them that when they grow up, they will be much better human beings than Mom and Dad had ever been in making better choices than we ever did. Innocence is a beautiful thing, but not ignorance....and children know better......Be honest in ways she can understand and if you cant just let it be.....actions are louder than words.
I reassure my babies that I will always protect them but that I'm far from perfect.
I emphasize daily that I love them, that their education is the absolute best thing in the world (and volunteer as much as I can), That drinking and drugs can easily ruin a person's life (its never too early to talk about drugs as drug awareness is always taught in schools nowadays),
However I try my best to give them their space and nurture their interests......don't want to be controlling either. My son loves Star Wars and fixing things. My daughter loves My little Pony and loves helping other students in school.
I've already been welcomed to take my son to ALA-TEEN....he is only 8 but in our area that is when they begin to welcome them in. You might want to ask about ALA-TEEN for your daughter.
Hang in there, you sound like a very loving and caring mom and you'll do fine as long as you take care of you........
I would take care of myself....work my program...study the steps and work them...study the literature adn slogans and practice what I learn, get into meetings and above all detach from the talk about dad and focus on YOU and the daughter
by setting a healthier example for her to follow MAYBE she won't end up in acoa rooms for HER problems over this...this condition affects the entire family....ONE of you has to be in one piece for this poor child....Since you are the NON Alkie, its up to you to take care of you in YOUR program and set the example for this child.....she has nobody but you.....this baby deserves a chance at a healthy life....please , I urge you to work on program.....detach from the alkie, you can't help him anyway and no use even talking about him, except ,yea if he doesn't show up, you just tell the kid "oh well hes not coming, lets do THIS"....you can make a negative into a positive, but you gotta work your program to stay level and managing this....
you didn't cause him to drink, you are never gonna control it and 4get trying to cure it.....HE has to reach out and ask for help... but don't sit and wait for that to happen, I would jsut get on my program, take care of me and my child...put us first , let go let go and let go of him....let him learn his lessons on his own.....
please keep coming back...and please get a sponsor as soon as you can and get into the alanon meets and do them as much as you can on a regular basis....
Take care.....
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
From Like My Heart........She is learning from you how a woman should be treated by a man. My daughter was older when I married the A, the aftermath was horrendous, she wanted to become an emancipated minor to get away. My daughter was angry at him but she was angrier at me for putting up with his treatment.
OMG.....NOW I can see why I married abusers and drinkers...like I knew, but this really puts it in perspective.....I "learned" how to be treated by men b/c of the beast..beating up on mom and mom not defending herself, making excuses for him and even 4giving him and staying....it cost her her life.....we kids were pissed big time....I guess the most anger was caused by seeing mom be so helpless and powerless...I can see why I was so angry at her...she didn't protect herself and she sure as hell didn't protect me from him.....wow...what a sick sick dynamic .....I ran away, got in trouble with the law to get out of that nightmare house.....
Seeing it this way, I do stand by my post to you to "drop him" and detach and take care of you...stand your ground inworking your program and becoming healthier b/c guess what??? the healthier you get, the less shit you will take from him and you will eventually split physically , or you will detach to the point where you two are totally walking separate paths b/c you choose and enjoy the healthier path.....daughter will see this good change in you and she will learn that we DO have power, sometimes we got to assert it and TAKE our power back by first getting right w/ourselves WITHIN....
I hope this made sense.....
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Al-Anon printed an amazing book for pre teens , its an easy read , explains the disease encourages understanding and respect for the alcoholic . Whats Drunk Mama .It reassures the child that they are not responsible *believe it or not ,our kids really do believe it is their fault * as an Alateen sponsor for many yrs I heard , maybe if I had made my bed when he asked me to , maybe if I had done my homework when I was told to , he would 't have to drink .
It is out of print now but I understand that amazon still has copies . I believe it is 5.00 $ Louise
-- Edited by abbyal on Monday 29th of July 2013 06:39:00 PM
It is so hard! We want to protect our kids from knowing the truth. We don't want our kids sad or stressed. I did all I could to hide my ex's drinking and co sequences from our kids (he went to rehab, I agreed to tell the kids he went to go visit his dad etc).
But then I realized that "I" wasn't the one that continued to make the bad choices. Yet due to me covering for their dad I looked like the bad guy often when I would make him leave the house etc. the kids didnt understand. So they blamed me and felt sorry for their dad.
Recently I stopped covering for him. Not only that our youngest saw his stupidly in action so it's not like I could cover if I wanted to.
I don't bash their dad, but I am,honest with them on each of their levels (21 and 9 years old). It sucks to know they are sad to know the truth, but I refuse to look like the bad guy anymore!
Counseling is the next thing on the list for the youngest. And maybe ala teen or whatever it's called for her age group. I don't want her to feel alone. I don't want her to hate her dad, but I can't always be neutral and I'm sure she needs to talk to someone aside from me!
