The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Oh, my gosh. I'm so, so touched by this, I'm crying. This is a beautiful, beautiful letter. If you feel calm and at peace about it - it is your letter. There isn't a word I didn't read. So profoundly moving. And if it isn't 3 to 5 minutes long - so what? In the grand scheme of things, time is only a concept. This letter is about lives affected by love and by a disease. We can't always fit stuff in in 3 to 5 minutes - AND DON'T HAVE TO - either.
PS: Although I will say you're welcome to your thanks, you did this with your husband. Everyone presented options and suggestions, but you saw what is really inside of you and together you chose those words and attitudes that fit most together for you for this time in your lives. You did a remarkable amount of grief work together. You emptied out and you found your center. And from that center you created a love letter together that holds meaning for you. I trust that you did write a love letter because the both of you came closer to each other in a bond of unity and care - not just for your son - but for each other.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Saturday 27th of July 2013 09:04:25 PM
This is our final draft of the letter to our son in REHAB at his retreat next week.
I want to thank all of you for the suggestions. This is the letter we are going with, I feel calmness with this letter. I will need to read it 200 times so I am able to deliver it to our son in public with my husband by my side without sobbing.
7-27-13
Our dear son, AS how much we have loved you and will always love you. We do hope one day you know how deeply a parents love is for their child. We have shared so many things together in our lives. We watched you make Allstars in baseball, and catch your first touchdown pass at your high school football game. Good times!
Dad and I know you've had hopes and dreams and how much fear, sadness and powerlessness we have felt when youve allowed that disease call Alcoholism to rob you of happiness, opportunities and self-respect.
Your father and I have also had hopes and dreams for you and have supported you in your quest to achieve them. But, your disease dashed our hopes and dreams for you and our trust in you beginning 6 years ago.
In March of 2007 our lives changed. Alcohol reared its ugly head in your life and you were arrested for drinking and driving. We believed it was a one-time thing. We believed it was a terrible mis-judgement on your part and would never happen again.
Looking back we were all in denial of the problem facing us.
Then came problems getting arrested over and over again ~ with one common thread ALCOHOL. You promised you wouldnt get in trouble again or drink but you did and our trust was completely broken.
We were still in denial or at least I was in serious DENIAL. Dad saw your path of destruction.
There was the time the police let you call your mom when stopped for drinking and driving but you did not call me you called a friends mom and pretended and she pretended to be your mom.
I dont know who called dad and I early that Sunday morning but we went to get you and you yelled and cursed at us. We left I was crying and I think for the 1st time I realized our lives were OUT OF CONTROL.
Then came Thanksgiving Day 2007, you did not come home. I called your brother and said I cant find AS. I told CHILD 1 you werent in the XJail as I had checked online.
You see for years I would pull up the XJail recent arrests every single morning. I would hold my breath as I scrolled thru the names and PRAY TO GOD YOU WERE NOT IN JAIL.
I finally found you but in another Jail as I began to call all surrounding jails looking for you. You were not only arrested but total loss the used truck your dad and I had worked so hard to purchase for you to go to college.
This time you had flipped your truck upside down in a canal full of water. HAD IT NOT BEEN FOR THE MAN DRIVING BEHIND YOU, WHO BY THE GRACE OF GOD, STOPPED AND HELPED YOU GET OUT OF TRUCK WHO KNOWS IF YOU COULD HAVE GOTTEN OUT YOURSELF OR WOULD HAVE DROWNED.
I was angry and depressed that Thanksgiving as dad tried his best to console me. Thanksgiving has never been the same since.
2008 brought more of the same charges against you piling up, but that year was different we didnt have your older brother to watch you to try to keep you out of trouble. CHILD 1 was deployed to IRAQ.
We had ONE SON KILLING HIMSELF WITH ALCOHOL AND OUR OTHER SON IN COMBAT IN IRAQ.
Dad became quiet and I became a shell of a human being. The spiral downward for our family was apparent.
2009 brings another DUI and more charges doing whatever you were doing in your quest to DESTROY YOURSELF.
Finally at OUR INSISTANCE you went to AA and became sober and we had our AS BACK. We finally could breathe and try to financially repair the damage done. We remember how different you were how responsible for that year you were. You were in control of your life. You had a good job, you were building your home, all on your own. Dad was so proud of you and often commented on how you had worked hard at changing your life.
You even approached us and wanted to pay us back for all of the lawyers, bail and money your alcoholism arrests had cost us. You paid Dad every month without fail and he was so PROUD OF YOU. You came over to see us all the time and you and Dad were buddies again.
I remember Christmas 2009 at Grannys, someone offered you a beer and you said no I dont need Beer I AM HIGH ON LIFE. I will never forget that moment as long as I live, I was so happy you were sober.
You see I am no stranger to CO DEPENDENCY~~~ only this year have I realized how much we all enabled ~ fixed ~ and rescued you. We tried to fix all of your problems thinking we could.
Alcohol did enter your life again this time with a vengeance. Trust was completely broken again.
Nothing could have prepared us for your TOTAL QUEST FOR DESTRUCTION this past year.
This last year the life was sucked out of our family. I was still enabling bailing you out. Dad was always against it but he loves us and would finally say go get him.
We have grieved for you, for ourselves and CHILD 2 and CHILD 1 as Alcoholism has taken its toll on our ENTIRE FAMILY in some way shape or form.
We want you to know that in spite of all of this and even though we are going to behave differently in our relationship to you, that we believe in you and your ability to make the long-term changes you have said you want to make in recovery.
We will be watching to see if you truly mean what you say by what you do and hopefully together we can rebuild our relationship in ways that are healthy and life-giving for all of us.
If you do not stay in recovery - and this will be a lifelong work on your part we will not rescue, fix or enable you. We will not pay fines or bail you out of jail. You will be held responsible and accountable for your actions.
We will also not bear witness if you choose DESTRUCTION OF YOURSELF. It is all up to you now. You and only you are able to do what you need to do to recover. We love you SON and always will Love Mom and Dad
Grateful,
You helped me see my 1st letter was for me and I put it away. It is MY recovery letter. I felt calm writing hubby and I joined together and used the words you gave us. The outline helped more than you will ever know, my husband cried after we finished writing it and he was reading the final letter. I have only seen my husband cry twice in our marriage.
This will be healing for him when I read it Tuesday as he holds my hand and we come together in support of our son. You see I enable he doesn't I would have to cry and beg him to let me use a credit card to get him out of jail. Not that he controls what I spend but he drew the line on bailing out the first time our son was arrested.
It was healing for our marriage as I am defensive about AS I cry etc. God was at work tonite in our home and I felt walls my husband and I had put between he and I come down over AS son.
YOU MY FRIEND THRU GOD GUIDED ME. AS name when hubby and I talk about him hubby will let go of AS I have much more work to do. The softness in my husbands voice as he said WE WILL DO THIS, the letter is great.
HEALING IS HAPPENING.
Thank you I feel the letter is balanced not angry and hubby wanted to add the touchdown pass our son caught in the 10th grade in high school and we looked at each other and talked about that football game and smiled.
I was worried it was still to harsh but my heart doesn't pound when I read it. It was written with LOVE
Faith, I just would like to add that I read that letter, too, and it was really really moving....
I hope some of our replies didn't sound like "scolding" but when someone else and I posted that he might shut down b/c of the "you" statements or whatever it was that I said, you must have gotten our messages b/c this letter is a beauty...You humanize him, yet letting him know the sadness of a life that was "interrupted"...
and if YOU feel good?? Go for it....if Husb. feels good?? DOUBLE confirmation to Go for it
this letter showed a lot of love and truth about what his actions has done to him, to his family who still loves him...
what is it?? Love the person....Hate the sin and thats what U R illustrating here
GOOD job....NICE work......and GOOD LUCK its gonna be OK on your end...the rest is up to him, but YOU two will feel a hell of a lot better
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Everyone's suggestions were so helpful. I am very glad I sought your advice. The anger letter was my letter I could not SEE IT.
All of you helped me see it. I had a God moment writing this letter with my husband I felt WARMTH IN MY HEART AND SOUL, I am crying as I describe this warm feeling of a hand on my shoulder. It gives me goosebumps.
I know it was my HP. I know it was. I have thought of my wonderful dad all day and how he would know what to say to his precious grandson. My AS was 8 when my dad died suddenly my husband and I was sitting on our bench for the school bus to tell our son about grandpa.
I remember we gently told him I still remember his little jeans and striped shirt he was wearing when he came bouncing across the lawn expecting our babysitter here and he saw me and his dad waiting for him. He knew his world was changing he hesitantly approached us and we told him he crawled in his dads lap and buried his little face in his chest.
You see grandpa lived one block from us AS entire life. He so loved his grandfather, our 3 kids were the only grandchildren living in the same state so GRANDPA Loved my kids and taught them life lessons.
I found my son once after his arrest 3 years ago sobbing and laying next to his grandfathers grave. I forgot about that.
I WILL NOT ENABLE BUT I AM NOT OUT TO DESTROY OR MAKE MY SON HATE HIMSELF MORE THAN HE ALREADY DOES.
Thank you everyone my AS would have been so hurt by my 1st letter!!!
I almost did not share it. Wow what a day!
Thank you everyone
Love Faith Hope and a little humility :)
That is a beautiful letter filled with love. Very well written. It is only after we realize that enabling the A is destructive to them and to us, that we are able to break free. I pray that your AS finds sobriety.
Sorry I Missed the First Letter for I was Out of Town, but I have to Say, You & Your Husband did Good! I am a Recovering Alcoholic, and tho I didn't Put My Parents in the Middle of My Disease, I was very Much in the Middle of theirs... Cunning & Baffling is an Understatement to Me when it comes to this Disease, but When the Support system is one of LOVE, With Boundry's, it allows the Alcoholic to see thier Choices if they want to remain a part of Our Lives, and You have made it Very Clear, as to what you "Will" & "Will Not" Do if He Chooses, Drink Or Recovery! And that is Very Important...
'
My Saving Grace for My Addiction was My Son Becoming a Teenager, and for the First time seeing his Mom so Hungover, he thought I was Dieing! God Opened My Eyes that Day! And THANK GOD! I have been Sober Since Oct. 2010... Do I Know if I Can do it the Rest of My Life? NOPE! But I Know that if I Keep Going... "One Day/Moment at a Time!" I have the Choice to Make the Right Decission... And that Alone gives me Comfort!
Prayers for you & your Son & Family! For it is indeed a Family Disease! but when you have support in your Recovery, the Journey can be so Much More Rewarding... Since My Entire Famiy is alcoholic they fought me for a while, and some wouldn't even speak to me! Because in their eyes, my "Sobriety" ment I was Unworthy of them & their Love, because they made it about Them! But Thanks to Al-Anon I was Able to See, Thats thier Disease working on them, Not Me! There is Nothing in this Journey that I have found Easy, However It has made me Stronger then Ever, and Has Allowed me to LOVE My Life, and Enjoy & Accept God Pressents in My Life!
Keep Taking Care of Yourself, and PLEASE KEEP COMING BACK! Because your Journey with your Son, May just Mend the Broken that are traveling this Very Road with You! Thanks for Being Here!
I am thankful for the opportunity to read your letter. I hope to hear how it went when you read it to him. I am also the parent of an alcoholic and had to write one of those letters when he was only 17. It is amazing to hear similarities in our experiences, and to hear loving parents set the boundaries their child needs and that they need themselves. i recently had to do that again- mostly to remind myself of those boundaries, and reading your letter was inspiring.
