I'm frustrated! - Al-Anon Family Group

thistooshallpass · Newbie

I'm frustrated!

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

TTSP: This isn't funny, but it made me laugh. I doubt seriously that his sponsor told him, "This too shall pass," when he said he isn't looking for a job and its all on your shoulders to figure out how to pay the bills. If his sponsor did tell him this, how long has he been in recovery? Enough about them. Back to you. I'm sure others will have suggestions for you about this. My part right now is just to offer what I have to give you and that is totally understanding why you'd feel frustrated and maybe scared and overburdened with carrying your share and his share, too? Maybe this is one of those let go and let God kinds of things? I've discovered that oftentimes when I turn these kinds of things over, I get these ideas that sound strange and I do it. Always seems to turn out just right.

Mimi3 · Senior Member

Thistooshallpass~

I feel for you, you have an awful lot on your plate...My husband in early sobriety sounded JUST LIKE YOUR HUSBAND! And he would say well my sponsor

said this or that but some things were just ridiculous, I love your sense of humor with calling the power company... LOL right on! They won't mind at all;)

I'm glad you are reaching out for help! This disease is way to much for us to handle on our own! Do you go to face to face Al-anon meetings, i sure hope so, you will learn all the tools of the program in group and have alot of added support! You are never alone here!! Thanks for reaching out!!

~HUGS~

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

when my AH#1 did , temporarily go to AA , he had lost his job and everyone was pushing him to do something...so, he got into AA.....and that was HIS excuse for not working

that left me with the bills.....I really "tightened " up when this dragged on...he said (AH#1) that recovery was all he "could handle" at this time....and ohhhh was he nasty.....Since it was up to me (support) I bought foods that only I liked...NO cigaretts for him NO treats for him.....BARE essentials.....we had cable tv, I cut it down to bare essentials.....

STILL he would not go to work.....so...i hated our apt. so I quit paying the RENT....just stopped...told the landlord that I just could not would not support him too, and I had to give up the apt.....they told me anytime I wanted to come back WITHOUT the jerk, to please come...I was welcome...

I hated it but we had to move in w/his mother....and immediately SHE bought him cigaretts and treats.......thats when I moved in w/ someone almost as bad, my bio sister......He (AH#1) began campaigning to get me back....flowers..gifts.....

I told him to get a job AND be sober and "maybe, I will come back" I told him that I wanted someone to help ME, to help ME have it easier, NOT harder in life...NOOOO not gonna happen

AH#1 got a job...a nice job in a restaurant bar...he got us a rental house down the street from his mom's and the landlord was a Puerto Rican whose wife and he absolutely loved me...I got on GREAT with them....I remember Juan telling my AH#1 that if he EVER abused me , he would kick his ass....

so AH#1 behaved for a while....then the drinking started again and the AA went down the tubes, and the same ole same ole.....he had his job and his booze........

Thats when I got out for good......I was done........

I sure can relate to your story.....been there done that......I was glad the money was separate and CCards were separate b/c I got away w/out my good credit ruined....

sure hope you keep working your program and getting stronger within you....I wish I knew about alanon a long time ago........now that I do, I am staying...

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

((((This too shall pass))))...What worked for me was while she was doing or not doing whatever I got into and stayed in Al-Anon and started figuring out "what was my part" in the mess my life was...I played a serious part in it. All I can hope to do is change my part so that I can have good consequences for me. All things pass except the one we keep bringing back. Hope you have your own group and other tools of recovery in Al-Anon. In support (((((hugs))))) smile

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I don't know if you have kids.

Hey I tell ya, I only cooked for myself, moved into another bedroom, never did his wash. Never bought him deoderant, shampoo, NOTHING. It is not part of recovery to live off someone else. I refused to enable one bit. No gas money, no toothpaste either.

No clean cloths, oh well. no he cannot use my cloths soap either. If he gets pans bowls etc dirty, I put them in his room.

I know it sounds crazy but then us babysitting grown adults is insanity itself!

Poop on the sponsor bs. I have heard a million people come here and say just what you have. I am telling you if it sounds fishy, it is. No sponsor is going to baby their sponsee.

I am sure you can think of many things to stop enabling. hey he can live with out a lightbulb in his room. turn off the cable anywhere but your room. Why or What makes you believe you have to support him.

We can make the changes to make us ok. They can do what they are going to do. I just took myself out of the equation.

Best thing you can do for him is take care of you, stop taking care of him! My little boy would mow lawns and give me the money. I hated it but could not say no and break his heart. that was a child that knew it was right to pitch in. Of course i just bought him stuff with it. lol

hugs, thank you for sharing! debilyn

Aloha · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha,

I know what helped me the most was getting myself to Al-Anon meetings.

There came a time, too, where I had to stop being fearful and let that power bill go unpaid by me for once. My A was still an active alcoholic at the time so I didn't get to hear "this, too, shall pass" lines from him... but I sure did get a line of guilt trips if I let him be responsible for paying the bill. One time he let it go for three months and then the power company came by to shut it down. Your story kind of makes me laugh, too, because he was home when they came to shut it down and he called me at work in a panic. I told him I had to think about it and would call him back!

All I knew was that I was tired of being the one footing the power bills all the time. I was putting myself further and further into debt by rescuing and I decided that maybe if I finally stood out of the way and put the full responsibility in his hands for once, he would take care of his part.

Lo and behold, he calls me back maybe 10 minutes later (because I got on the phone with my sponsor at that time!) and tells me -- quite insulted -- that he "took care of it" himself.

Wow. You mean he had the ability to take care of the power bill himself??? Well I'll be. It just took my stepping back, being okay with possibly not having any power for a while and he suddenly had the means to foot the bill after all. Amazing stuff.

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